Searching for Dawn

Searching for Dawn

by cindale

Chapter 10

"Acceptance"

Breaking up with Susan had only made things worse. Remus had never had so much trouble controlling his emotions, even when his parents had died. He walked through the halls of Hogwarts in a daze. His interactions with students and other teachers were polite, but expressionless. He mechanically taught his classes and graded essays, and in the lonely dark of his rooms, he struggled for control as he failed to sleep.

The only thing that sustained him through that week was the knowledge that it was better for her. Above all, he had to protect her, even if it meant protecting her from himself.

Leia had arrived with a letter from Susan only hours after he had been released from the Ministry, but he hadn't been able to gather the courage to read it. Evidently, Susan had instructed the owl not to return without a response. So Leia had spent the past several days in the Owlery, checking in with Remus every day after classes. He always sent her away with an owl treat and an admonition to go home, but she only went back to Owlery to wait another day.

One afternoon while sitting in his office staring unseeingly at a fifth year's essay, Remus was startled by a clearing throat and looked up to see the sneering face of Severus Snape.

"Yes, Severus?" he asked with a sigh, sensing some unpleasantness to come.

"I have a message for you, from Potter," Snape said. Remus immediately understood the sneer; Snape had the opportunity to flaunt his connection with Harry, something that Remus could never have, despite their close relationship.

"Yes, Severus?" Remus repeated, a little testily this time.

Snape sat down across from the desk, which annoyed Remus, who was hoping he would deliver the message and leave. "He wouldn't leave me alone until I gave my word that I would talk to you," he said. His cheek twitched with irritation. "He said he knows you love her, that you're doing the wrong thing, and that you need to give her a chance - or some such drivel. I can't be expected to remember the exact wording."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Did you tell him about the ... incident with the attacker?"

"No," Snape answered. "I believe one of the Weasleys told him." Remus nodded in dismissal and looked down at the parchment, but the other man didn't move.

"You actually discontinued your relationship with the Muggle?" Snape continued. "I must admit I am surprised. I would have thought she would be the one to end it when she discovered your true nature."

"She should have," Remus said with a heavy sigh. He looked up at Snape. "Listen, Severus, I don't want to talk about it and it's really none of your business."

"Believe me," Snape sneered. "I have no desire to get involved. I was merely delivering a message. I expected you to be more grateful."

"Thank you, Severus, I appreciate the message. Now, please, I need to get these essays marked." Snape crossed his arms in front of his chest and stretched out his legs, settling in his chair. Remus felt his anger rising; Snape was digging into an open wound. He gave Snape what he hoped was a pleading look. "Please, Severus, I can't afford to get angry again."

"This is about that Muggle thief, isn't it?" Snape said distantly, as if he was thinking aloud. "This is all about self-control. Perfect Remus Lupin, who never loses control, finally snapped, and can't handle the consequences. Professor Lupin finally realized what he really is - a beast."

"Severus, it's time for you to go." Remus stood up slowly, fists clenched at his sides.

"It just seems so cowardly to run away, Remus." Snape raised an eyebrow and regarded him smugly. "Did you realize a wizard can never truly love a Muggle? Or that no one can ever truly love a werewolf?"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

Snape smirked. "But I like it here, Professor Lupin."

Remus picked up his ink bottle and threw it in Snape's direction, who ducked instinctively, even though he was in no danger of being hit. It shattered against the wall behind the Potions Master, leaving a wide starburst of black against the white. Snape looked at the destruction behind him and then turned to Remus with raised eyebrows. Remus sat down and put his face in his hands.

"Damn you, Severus! I told you I can't get angry. It's dangerous!" Snape didn't answer, and Remus looked up to see a smirk on his face. He shook his head in disbelief. "You provoked me on purpose! Why?"

"I was merely proving a point. You lost control of your anger just now, and the world did not end."

"I didn't completely lose control," Remus said, managing a small smile. "I'm a better shot than that." His expression sobered. "But I'll see the results at the next Full Moon. Thank you very much, Severus."

"Ah, now I understand." Snape leaned back in his chair and made a triangle with his hands. "You are afraid of losing control because it makes your transformations more severe."

Remus studied Snape's face for a moment, silently debating whether to confide in him. He finally shrugged, deciding he had nothing to lose, and described his last two transformations.

"And this coincides with the start of your relationship with the Muggle, I assume," said Snape.

"Her name is Susan. And yes, it does."

The Potions Master sneered and shook his head. "If you knew sexual activity would worsen your transformations, it was cruel of you to begin a relationship. You deserve this."

"You misunderstand," Remus said, looking at his desk as his cheeks began to flush. "We haven't ... er ... had a ... er ... sexual relationship."

Snape's eyes widened and he leaned forward in his chair. "So the first time you lost control of your emotions during the last two months was the incident with the Muggle assailant?"

"It was the first time I'd lost control of my emotions since I was a child," Remus corrected.

He looked back at Snape, wondering what he meant by the question. Snape stared at him for a long time with an unreadable expression and finally said, "Have you ever considered the possibility that your violent transformations are being caused by your repressed emotions? Is it possible that losing control occasionally might actually help your monthly changes?"

"No. As a child, transformations were always much more violent when I had thrown a temper tantrum or cried. I learned at a young age to suppress all emotions."

"But that was before the Wolfsbane Potion." Snape stood and said, "Come with me." He stalked out of the Defense teacher's office without a backward glance, apparently confident that Remus would follow. Remus sighed and trailed after him.

By the time Remus reached the dungeons, Snape was already standing outside his office holding a book toward him. Remus gave the Potions Master a puzzled look and cautiously took the offering.

"The chapter about Wolfsbane Potion begins on page seventy-three. Read it. It may give you some insight."

Remus looked from the book to the Potions Master, his eyes widened in incredulity. "Are you actually trying to help me?"

"I am only thinking of this school," Snape sneered, looking at the ground. "We can't have a teacher with violent lycanthropy. Besides, your love-sick depression is starting to effect morale."

"Thanks, Severus," he said, extending his hand.

Snape backed up and held up his hands with a look of distaste. "No, please. Just remember. You owe me."

Remus shrugged and walked away, turning the pages of the book as he went.

**************************************

Susan opened the door. Her eyes lit up with surprise and hope when she saw him, but Remus's heart sank as they turned cold. "I guess you came for the stuff you left," she said, in a voice the same temperature as her eyes. "Just a minute - I'll get it."

She started to turn away, but Remus put a gentle hand on her arm to stop her. She looked down at his hand, then back up at his face, the hope flickering briefly in her eyes again. He swallowed and stammered, "C-can I come in?"

"Why?" Her lips were set in a thin line.

Remus sighed. She wasn't making this easy, but he knew he deserved to have the door slammed in his face. "I need to talk to you." She gave him a calculating look. "Please," he begged.

She shrugged his hand off her arm, but moved aside to let him in her flat. "Please, have a seat," she said with brusque formality.

"No, I don't think I can," he said. He began to pace in front of the sofa. She shrugged, seated herself, and watched him walk back and forth in front of her. He chanced a look at her face; her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

She sighed softly when he looked at her. "Remus, what is it?"

He continued to pace. "One of my fellow teachers came to my office today and pressed me until I told him about our ... my ... control issues ... and how that affected my relationship with you."

"Sounds like a nosy bloke."

"He is. But he can also be a good friend when he's so inclined." Remus couldn't help smiling at the irony of speaking of Severus Snape in affectionate terms. "He makes my Wolfsbane Potion every month. I've never been good at potions, so I had never bothered to read the book until today." He stopped pacing and turned to look at her. "Susan, I've been suppressing my emotions since I was a child. But I found out today that continued refusal to express my feelings can actually counteract the effects of the Wolfsbane Potion."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Remus knelt in front of Susan and took her hands in his, heartened that she didn't pull away. "I was planning to break things off with you even before we were attacked because I was losing control of my emotions for you, and I thought it was causing my transformations to worsen. In fact, the opposite was true; I was fighting my emotions as a man, which was causing me to lose control as a wolf. Severus and the book both suggested that losing control of strong emotions occasionally might actually help me control my wolf form."

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"My actions against our attacker last weekend were an expression of my anger and fear. I briefly lost control of myself - of my emotions. That could actually help my next transformation. Not that I should make a habit of losing my temper, but there are other emotions I've been afraid of expressing. The strongest has been my love for you."

Susan nodded slowly as she pondered those words. After a moment she said, "So that's why you've never made love to me." Remus felt his face redden, and he couldn't help pulling back slightly. He looked at the floor as she continued, "To be honest, I was beginning to wonder. Most guys I've dated have tried on the third or fourth date. And you've slept over here so many times."

Remus stood and began pacing again. "Not that I haven't wanted to, but it's not just about sex. I came so close to giving in to my grief a few weeks ago when I told you about my friends' deaths. I never properly grieved for them, and maybe it's time I did." He stopped and turned to face her again. "Susan, I love you. I want to be with you forever. I know that sounds sappy, but it's the truth. Is there any chance that you'll forgive me? Is there any chance you could put up with all this?"

Tears began to fall from her eyes as she gave Remus a long look. Finally, she said, "How do I know it will work? How do I know you won't change your mind? I don't think I could take it if you left me again."

"I have to be honest - there are no guarantees that it will work. This is new territory for me. But I'm willing to try if you are, and to keep trying until it does work. Even if it takes the rest of our lives." He sat beside her on the sofa and took her hands in his. "As for changing my mind, that's impossible. Werewolves mate for life, and I've chosen you. I'll always be mated to you in my heart, no matter what you decide to do." He leaned in and kissed the tears from her face. "I'll never leave you, Susan. I promise."

Susan managed to smile at him through her tears. "Are you trying to say 'Till death do us part'?"

Remus felt the happiness and fear swirling inside him, and fought the automatic urge to check the emotions. His breath caught as he felt tears run down his cheeks for the first time in thirty years. "I am," he whispered as he leaned forward to kiss her lips, "and I do."

****************************************

Harry heard the pounding as soon as he shut off the shower. "Harry," Ron shouted through the door.

"Come in, Ron," he shouted. He reached around the shower curtain to push the bathroom door shut and waited for the outer door to open and close. "I'm just getting out of the shower."

"Hurry up," Ron said through the crack in the door.

"We've got time." Harry began to towel himself off. "Oi, are you alone out there?"

"Yeah," Ron answered. Harry wrapped the towel around his waist and left the bathroom to rummage in his bag for some clothes. He looked up and noticed Ron was examining his computer curiously. "Can I talk to Ginny again?" he asked.

"Only if she's online," Harry answered. "Here, let me log on to the internet, and even if she's not online you can send her an e-mail." He clicked the appropriate buttons and went into the bathroom to get dressed.

As he was charming his hair dry, Ron yelled, "Oi, Harry, what do I do next?" Harry walked over to stand behind Ron, who was tapping fruitlessly at the keyboard.

"I think there's an e-mail for you, mate," Ron said. "A voice said something about mail a minute ago." Harry felt the color drain from his face; only one person would e-mail him. Unable to help himself, he reached around Ron and clicked on the mail icon. "Witchy Woman, isn't that from Ginny?" Ron asked, and then caught the look on Harry's face. "What's wrong?"

Harry looked away. "I told her everything. This is her response."

"What do you mean, you told her everything?"

"The Dark Arts, Voldemort, Pettigrew, the Cloaked Vigilante ..." he said as he ticked them off on his fingers. "Every reason why she can't love me."

"So she told you she loves you," Ron said, and Harry noticed it wasn't a question.

"You knew?" he asked.

"Of course I knew - I've known for years!" Ron turned his body to face him; Harry noticed his face was reddening in anger. "Why did you tell her all that?"

Harry looked at his shoes. "She has to forget me - to move on. I can't ..."

"You can't what? You can't love her? Because of Hermione?" he demanded, his voice rising.

Harry thought it would be wise to slowly back away from Ron. When the bed was between them, he said, "I'm not in love with Hermione. I thought I was, but I was wrong."

"So do you love Ginny?" Ron asked, his face contorted in confusion.

Harry thought about it for a moment and struggled to put his feelings into words. "What I feel for Hermione is friendship and admiration ... and ... a strong desire to protect her. I have the same feelings for Ginny, but there's something more ... there's ... physical attraction as well."

Ron appeared to mull over Harry's words for a moment. "So are you saying you want to shag my little sister, Potter?"

Harry noticed Ron was fingering the wand in his pocket and backed away even more. Blushing furiously, he looked at his shoes. "Well, maybe, eventually. For now I'd just like to spend time with her."

"Well, I guess I can't complain about you moving on, even if it is my baby sister." Harry chanced a glance up and noticed Ron was grinning broadly. "I'm thrilled for you, mate, both of you."

Harry lowered his head. "Don't be," he said. "I can't be with her."

"Let me get this straight. My sister loves you. You love her. And you're trying to drive her away?" Harry looked up and noticed Ron had begun to finger his wand again.

"You know what I'm like. I'm evil! I'd only hurt her. I can't be with anyone like her!"

"What exactly do you mean by 'anyone like her'?" Ron's ears were turning red.

"Ginny is ... I don't know ... she's good ... and sweet ... and understanding ... everything I'm not!"

"Merlin!" Ron stood up and pulled his wand from his pocket. "I wish I could hex some sense into you!" He walked toward Harry, who backed farther away. Ron stopped and laid down his wand, holding up his hands in a gesture of peace. Harry stopped and let him approach and lay a hand on his shoulder. "You're right, mate, I know what you're like. You've made a few mistakes, but overall you're the most honorable man I know. You're not evil. Someone evil would never feel so guilty." Harry looked into Ron's eyes and saw the admiration there, and felt tears well up in his own eyes. He looked away before the tears could fall. Ron continued, "Look, we've all made mistakes. You feel that yours are bigger than most, but that's irrelevant. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes and move on." Harry looked back at his friend, who was grinning broadly. "And I hope moving on for you involves my sister."

Harry sighed. "Thanks, Ron, but I don't think Ginny will want me and all my baggage." He shrugged off Ron's hand and walked past him to the bathroom, where he allowed himself to drown in his conflicting emotions for several minutes.

While he was charming his face to hide the signs of crying, Ron knocked on the bathroom door. "Harry?"

"Yeah - I'll be out in a minute."

The disembodied voice came through the door, "Hurry up - I think you need to read this before we go." Harry jerked the door open and searched Ron's unreadable expression. "Ginny's e-mail - come on." Ron grabbed Harry's arm, let him to the computer, and pushed him into the chair. Harry forgot to be annoyed that Ron had read his private mail in his nervousness about what Ginny had said. He read:

Harry,

I read your e-mail, and I want you to know very clearly that I still love you, and I still want to be with you. I've been in love with you for a long time. I'm not in love with the "Boy Who Lived", the imaginary hero. I fell in love with a man who blushes when he's flattered, who pours his heart into the things that are important to him, and who's fiercely loyal to his friends.

I would love to say it doesn't matter what you've done, but it does. It matters because your actions have filled you with guilt and have made you think you're a lesser person. I disagree with your assessment of yourself. An evil person does not have a conscience, and you clearly do.

Harry, you've made some mistakes. But if you can't let go of the past and move on, if you can't let go of the misconception that you are evil, then you've let Voldemort determine your future. Voldemort was such a big part of your life for so long, and it's time he truly died.

I know I'm being a hypocrite. You've helped me see that I'm still letting Voldemort rule a big part of my life, as well. Maybe we can help each other, if you're willing. I want to be part of your life, Harry. I'm not afraid of you, and I don't think you're evil. Please let me help you, like you've already helped me.

I love you, Harry,

Ginny

Harry read the e-mail twice and then looked up at Ron in wonder. Ron smiled and spoke softly, "Go for it, mate."

Harry ran his fingers through his hair and looked down so Ron wouldn't see his tears. His thoughts and feelings were swirling so fast in his mind he felt he needed to lie down. But one thought surfaced above the rest and Harry clung to it, shoving the others aside for the time being. "We have to go, Ron," he said. "It's time for the robbery."

******************************************

Harry drove the Ford Explorer south on the highway. He didn't know exactly where they were going, but he would know when they arrived. The dream had been different from the others. In previous dreams, he had seen the perpetrator escaping from a building, but in this dream, it appeared the robber was running down a hallway.

When he pulled into the parking lot of the mall, Ron said, "Where are you going, Harry? I thought this bloke always hit petrol stations?"

"But this dream was different," said Hermione. "A shopping mall could look like a long hallway in a dream, right Harry?"

"Maybe," Harry answered, "but it didn't really look like a mall. The walls were close on both sides. But I'm certain this is where the Cloaked Vigilante will strike tonight. It just feels right."

"No offense, Harry," said Lisa, "but you were sure the other night in Muskogee, too."

Harry didn't respond, but his stomach clenched with nervousness. She was right, and he couldn't help the urge to prove himself.

It was almost closing time when they walked into the nearly deserted mall. Harry's eyes darted around as they went, finally coming to rest on the store next to the sign for the restrooms. He nudged the others and inclined his head in that direction.

Ron snorted derisively. "Malfoy's going to rob a clothing store? That figures."

They decided Lisa should go into the store to see if Malfoy had already entered, since she was the only one he wouldn't recognize. She came back a few minutes later, shaking her head. "Are you sure this is the right place?"

Harry sighed. "Yes, and I think he's already in there. He could be hiding in the changing room - he can't exactly walk around the mall in his cloak. Or he could be using a Disillusionment Charm."

Lisa looked at Harry for a long moment, and finally said, "Okay. I think we should split up - watch the store from different angles. You guys weren't exactly subtle the other night, Animagus forms or no. Ron, Harry, you guys go over there behind the fountain and keep out of sight. Hermione, you and I can pretend to be talking over here."

The two men walked over to the fountain, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and threw the invisibility cloak over themselves. Harry looked at the women and noticed that Lisa was facing the store while Hermione had her back to it. He sighed in relief; they appeared to be engaging in casual conversation, and Malfoy wouldn't recognize Lisa.

The four continued to watch the clothing store while other shops began pulling down their gates to close and the lights began to dim. A woman partly pulled down the gate of the store they were watching. A few minutes later, they heard a muffled scream, and a cloaked figure ducked under the gate to exit the store. He paused, looked around, and then ran down the hallway toward the bathrooms.

Harry glanced at the women, noticing they were following, and took off at a run behind them. Harry drew his wand and pulled off the invisibility cloak as he ran. He noticed out of the corner of his eye that Ron had also pulled out his wand. They had almost caught up with the women when Malfoy suddenly stopped and turned to face them. Hermione and Lisa stopped suddenly and Harry and Ron almost plowed into them.

Ron recovered quickly and shouted, "Drop the wand, Malfoy!"

The blond man only grinned wickedly and Disapparated. At the same time, the floor disappeared beneath the four pursuers and they fell heavily into a lower level of the building.

Harry winced as he struggled to his feet; his knees had taken the brunt of his fall. The others were attempting to stand as well; it appeared they had no major injuries. Harry looked around. They were in what appeared to be a giant cage. One side was a solid concrete wall, and the other three were bars.

"That was really stupid," Lisa murmured. "I should have known better."

With a flash of light, the ceiling reappeared. Harry raised his wand to break the bars, but a familiar voice yelled, "Expelliarmus!" and his wand, as well as those of the others, flew into the waiting hand of Draco Malfoy. Malfoy smirked as he approached the cage and pocketed the wands. "Four Aurors walking into a trap? How stupid can you get? Of course, your stupidity works to my advantage, so I'm not complaining."

Harry and Ron grabbed the bars and shook them as Malfoy laughed quietly. Harry reached between the bars and grabbed at Malfoy, but he was just out of reach. They all started and turned fearfully as a door banged open and two others entered the room. Harry felt a wave of nausea as he recognized Malfoy's father and Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Excellent work, Draco," Lucius boomed. "Four? We have an extra guest, I see. Excellent, excellent. Girlfriend of yours, Mr. Potter?"

Harry didn't answer, but settled for giving Lucius a hateful glare. Lucius shrugged. "No matter. It will only make the party more enjoyable." Lucius stepped closer to the cage, careful to stay out of reach of Harry's arms. He lowered his voice to a stage whisper. "You're going to have the most fun at our little party, Mr. Potter. Before we kill you, we're going to let you watch us kill your friends." Harry reached through the bars, trying to grab Lucius, but Draco waved his wand lazily and Harry was blasted back against the wall, landing on his backside.

Ron began to reach through the bars, but Draco locked eyes with him, threatening with his wand. He backed up and put an arm around Hermione. "Let the girls go," he said in a subdued voice.

"No, Ron," said Hermione, choking down a sob.

Bellatrix Lestrange sauntered to the bars and beckoned to Harry. He only glared in response, so she walked around the cage until she reached the wall. She crouched next to him, almost close enough to touch, and whispered loudly to give the impression of confidentiality while ensuring the others could hear. "Do you know what the Cruciatus Curse will do to your little friends, Potter?" She paused to wait for an answer and continued when he didn't speak. "No? Well, let me educate you. The curse causes compression of the veins, arteries, and capillaries in the body. Initially, they'll only feel pain. As we continue, their capillaries will burst, resulting in bruising. The loss of blood flow to the brain will cause oxygen deprivation, which will ultimately result in irrevocable damage, including blindness and insanity. The loss of circulation will eventually cause their limbs to become permanently useless. Finally, after a very long wait, their hearts will stop. We can easily make the pain go on for hours, allowing brief moments of recovery, only to plunge them into agony again." Although Harry had undergone the torment of the Cruciatus curse himself, the vivid description of what would happen to his friends made his stomach clench in fear.

Lestrange stood abruptly and walked over to the Malfoys. "Well, Lucius, I'll bet Draco wants to do the Weasley. Which do you want?"

Lucius started to speak, but Draco interrupted. "Father, I think we should make Weasley watch us torture the women."

"Why?" Lucius asked with a frown. "Don't you have the stomach for this? I hope you're not going to disappoint me again."

Draco gave his father an angry look, pointed his wand at Ron, and yelled "Crucio!" Hermione screamed as Ron fell to the floor, twitching in agony.

Harry shouted curses at Draco as he struggled to his feet and Lisa yelled, "Stop it!"

Finally, Draco lowered his wand, smirked at Hermione, and turned to his father. "My stomach is fine. I merely thought it would be amusing for Weasley to watch his wife suffer."

Lucius nodded and laughed softly. "Excellent idea, Draco. All right then, Bella, you take Potter's girlfriend and I'll take Weasley's mudblood whore."

Draco pointed his wand at Harry and muttered, "Restringere." Harry's body slammed up against the wall again, but this time he stayed flattened against it, held by invisible bonds. "Allerta Oculus," and Harry's eyes were forced open; he couldn't even blink. The blond performed the same spells on Ron, gave his trademark smirk, and said, "Enjoy the view!"

Lucius nodded his approval, and then he and Lestrange raised their wands toward the women in the cage. "Crucio!"