Searching for Dawn

Searching for Dawn

by cindale

Chapter 9

"Control"

Remus looked across the table into the eyes of the woman he loved. Love. The word had a whole new meaning for him now. He had loved his parents with the deep, familiar love of family. He had loved Sirius, James, Lily, and even Peter with the loyal love of friendship. He still loved Harry with the fierce, protective love of fatherhood. But he had never experienced this all-consuming love that threatened his control.

His control was the most precious thing he owned. It had been his constant companion since his youth. Remus had kept control of his emotions since he was a child. He never lost his temper, never cried, never expressed joy, never succumbed to lust. His control was the thing that allowed him to overcome the raging beast inside him. Without his control, he would no longer be a man.

After several years of docile transformations, the last two had been violent. He had injured himself, which hadn't happened since he'd started the Wolfsbane Potion. He suspected he had injured Harry as well, even though the boy hadn't said anything.

"What is it?" Susan asked, interrupting his melancholy thoughts.

Remus reached across the table, took her hand, and forced a smile. "Nothing, love. Is your fish good?"

"It's lovely, thank you." She picked up her fork with her other hand and resumed eating.

Susan was more than part of his life. She was rapidly becoming his reason for living, as vital to his existence as oxygen. Unfortunately, his love for her was a poison that was threatening to overwhelm the power of the Wolfsbane Potion.

"You're not eating. Are you sure you're okay?" Her thumb idly caressed his knuckles and the electricity from the light touch flashed up his arm like lightning.

He gently untangled his hand. "Actually, there is something I need to talk to you about. But it can wait until we get ho- ... back to your flat. Let's enjoy our dinner."

"I seem to be the only one enjoying it," she said with a concerned expression. She wiped her mouth and said, "I've had enough. Come on - let's get out of here. I want to know what's bothering you."

It was unseasonably warm for October, so they had walked the few blocks to the pub. They strolled toward Susan's flat in silence, hand in hand. Remus tried to let the beauty of the night wash over him and forget about the talk he needed to have with Susan, but to no avail. His worries continued to crash over him relentlessly. If he hadn't been so distracted, he probably would have heard the man approaching.

"Turn into this alley, now!" commanded a quiet voice behind Susan. Remus glanced back and saw a man in a mask with a gun pointed at Susan's back. His heart leapt into his throat and molten panic began filling his stomach.

"Don't turn around again!" snarled the man. "And make sure I can see your hands!" Remus considered reaching for the wand in his pocket, but he decided he couldn't get to it before the man could hurt Susan, and besides, Remus was sure he was a Muggle.

As they turned into the alley, he chanced a glance at Susan. Her face was a mask of utter terror. The panic in his stomach was quickly replaced with anger.

"What do you want?" Remus asked the man in a tight voice.

"Shut up! Hand over your wallet and the lady's purse, old man."

Remus, thinking quickly, decided to tell the truth. "I don't carry a wallet. I have some money in my pocket - you can have that."

"I said shut up!" In one swift movement, the assailant turned Susan around and pressed her back to the wall, one hand over her mouth while the other held the revolver to her head. Her eyes were bugged out and she was making small screaming noises that were blocked by his hand. "Any more lip from you and she's dead." He paused, looked her up and down, and his expression changed to a leer. "She's much too young and pretty for you, old man. Maybe I'll get more than a few quid out of this tonight, eh?"

Something snapped inside Remus. Later, he could not remember precisely what happened, only that all he could see was Susan's terrified face. Suddenly he was standing over the man, holding his wand. The mugger was unconscious and bleeding in several places. He shook his head and started toward Susan. But before he could reach her, he was surrounded by six robed figures brandishing wands, and he knew no more.

****************************

Susan screamed as Remus pulled out his wand and started yelling at the man. Streams of light flew from the end of the wand, first knocking the gun from the assailant's hand, then throwing his body to the ground. The anger on Remus's face was almost as frightening as the mugger's assault.

The man finally lay still and Remus seemed to come to his senses. But as he turned toward her he was suddenly surrounded by six robed figures, all pointing their wands at him and shouting. She screamed his name as he fell to the ground.

"Wait a minute," said one of the figures, removing her hood. "I know this bloke." She walked over to him, peered into his face, and said, "Yeah. Remus Lupin. Teacher at Hogwarts. He's okay."

"We still have to take him in," said another voice.

"I know," agreed the witch with a sigh. "Let me talk to the lady." She walked over to Susan and said, "Looks like you had a bit of a fright. Let's sit down and you can tell me what happened." The witch conjured a small divan and Susan allowed herself to be seated. "You're okay now. What's your name?"

"S-Susan Chandler."

"You can call me Tonks. Now, what happened?"

Susan shook her head. "Remus? Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine - he's just stunned. Don't worry." Tonks patted Susan's hand. "Why don't you start by telling me how you know Remus?"

"W-we've been dating. We met at my niece's wedding."

"And your niece is ..."

"Hermione Weasley."

"That's what I thought," Tonks said with a smile. "I was there, but I don't think we met. You wouldn't remember me anyway - I looked quite different that day. So, anyway, I take it you know Remus is a wizard."

"Y-yes. But why are you all here? I don't understand."

"Remus used magic on a Muggle, which is illegal. We're Aurors - sort of like Muggle police. You've probably heard that word - your niece's husband is training to be one."

"Is Remus in trouble?"

Tonks glanced at the other Aurors. Three were examining the mugger and two were guarding Remus. She leaned toward Susan. "Between you and me, I'm sure it will be fine. Remus is a respected member of the wizarding community, and I'm sure what he did was in self-defense. Or in your defense." She laid a hand on Susan's arm. "Susan, I know it's hard, but I really need you to tell me what happened tonight."

Susan took a deep breath and started talking.

****************************

Remus's head jerked up at the sound of the door opening. He glanced around the small room, wondering where he was. He must have dozed off. He tried to stand but was stopped by the restraints at his wrists and ankles. The memories suddenly flooded over him and he groaned.

"Sorry about all this, Remus," said Kingsley Shacklebolt as he entered the room. "Dumbledore's downstairs right now, cutting through the red tape. You'll be out of here in no time."

"Is there any way you can let me out of these cuffs? I'm not going anywhere."

"Sorry," the Auror said again. "Standard procedure for holding a werewolf."

"And stunning a man, just for defending himself? I guess that's standard procedure for a werewolf, too?" Remus asked in a clipped voice. He was angry with the Ministry for overreacting to the situation, but also angry with himself for losing control.

Shacklebolt looked at the floor. "You know werewolves are monitored more closely than even underage wizards, Remus. I don't make the rules, and I don't necessarily agree with them. But you know you need to watch that temper of yours."

"He was going to hurt her!" Remus managed to shout through clenched teeth. "He was scaring ... oh my ... Susan! Is Susan okay?"

"The woman they brought in with you? Yes, she's fine, Tonks is with her," reassured the Auror. "I understand she wants to see you."

"Can I see her?"

"I think so - I'll find out," Shacklebolt turned to leave.

"Wait!" The Auror turned back. "Please take these off. Don't make me see her like this."

"I can't - regulations." Shacklebolt said, raising an eyebrow and lowering his voice. "But there's nothing I can do to stop her from taking them off."

Remus slumped in the chair. "But she's a Muggle."

Shacklebolt gave a sly smile and conjured a small key. "That won't be a problem." Remus heard the lock click back into place as he left.

He sighed heavily and let his head droop forward. Shacklebolt had told him to watch his temper. But he didn't have a temper. At least he hadn't until tonight.

Remus had almost started dozing when the door opened again, this time admitting Susan. "Are you okay?" he asked, searching her face.

"I'm fine," she answered, "but what have they done to you?" She bent over and unlocked the shackles on his wrists first. He didn't give her a chance to get to his ankles; he grabbed her into a desperate hug while still sitting in the chair.

"If he had hurt you," he murmured into her hair, "I couldn't stand it ..."

Susan pulled back enough to look at his face. "He didn't hurt me Remus. It's okay, I'm fine." She kissed him gently, pulled out of his embrace, and bent over to unlock the ankle shackles. When he was free, she stood, pulling him to his feet and into her arms. He went willingly, bending his head to kiss her.

He pulled back suddenly and ran his fingers through his hair. "I can't do this anymore. We can't do this anymore."

Susan took a step back. "What's wrong?"

Remus clasped his hands behind his back and began to pace the tiny room, looking at the floor. "I want to be with you more than anything in the world. I've never wanted something so much in my life. But I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

Remus stopped and turned to look at Susan. Her eyes were wide, confused, pained. His heart wrenched and nausea flooded his stomach. He looked away. "I'm losing control of my emotions. That can't happen."

"Everyone loses control of their emotions sometimes, Remus. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's part of what makes us human."

"You're forgetting I'm not fully human," Remus countered. "A werewolf cannot lose control of his emotions. I could be ... dangerous. Look what happened tonight. I hurt someone."

"In self defense!" Susan's voice was getting louder. "In my defense! You probably saved my life! You're a hero, Remus. Why is that a bad thing?"

Remus sank down into the chair and put his face in his hands, fighting to keep his composure. "I lost control of my anger. I would have handled it much differently if I had been thinking."

"You didn't do anything wrong! Why can't you see that?"

He looked up at her and sighed. "It's not just tonight. The two transformations I've had since we started ... our ... relationship have been violent. I've ... injured myself both times, and that hasn't happened in years." He paused; he couldn't tell her about injuring Harry, it was too painful.

"What do you mean by injuring yourself?"

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but saw the skeptical look on her face and realized she needed to see for herself. He held her eyes as he stood up, pulled off his jumper and shirt, and laid them over the chair. She gasped and put her hands over her mouth as her eyes traveled down his naked chest.

His chest and arms were covered with long, wide, irregular scars crossing diagonally across his torso and striping his shoulders. Most were old scars, shiny and white, but a few recent injuries were pink.

Susan was rapidly paling and her hands crept up to cover her eyes. Remus couldn't help feeling grateful for this; he couldn't bear her horrified expression. He guided her to the chair and put his clothes back on. Then he knelt down in front of her and she threw her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder.

"You ... you did that ... to yourself?" she murmured into his jumper.

He pulled back to look her in the eye and nodded. "I'm sorry, love, but you needed to know the violence that I'm capable of." His breath hitched as the tears started flowing down her face; he took deep breaths as he struggled for control.

"I-I d-don't understand. Y-you're the gentlest person I know."

Remus stood and moved away from her, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "In my wolf form I desire to bite and scratch humans, like any other werewolf," he explained in a dead voice. "I am always isolated during my transformations. A human is not available, so I get frustrated and attack myself."

"B-but the potion you take..."

"Isn't working. It hasn't worked since you and I started seeing each other."

Her face fell. "So it's my fault."

He knelt in front of her and took her hands. "No, Susan. It's nothing you've done." He bowed his head. "It's mine. I should have known better than to let it go this far."

She pulled her hands away. "Why did you? Why did you even begin this relationship if you knew it wouldn't work?"

Her anger made him feel much worse than her horror at his scars. He sank to the floor and shook his head. "I didn't know. I've never been in a relationship like this before. But I should have known. I should have never asked you to dance." He smiled grimly, remembering the wedding. "I couldn't resist. You looked so beautiful, and the way you looked at me... It was just meant to be an innocent dance. I knew you wouldn't want anything more with me when you found out what I was. When you accepted me, I ... I was intoxicated with happiness. I didn't even think ... I just ... felt.

"I realized as a child that strong emotions cause my transformations to be more violent, so I learned to suppress them. But since I met you it seems that all I do is feel. The love and desire I feel when I'm with you and the sadness I feel when we're apart are threatening to overwhelm me. And the anger I felt when you were attacked tonight did overwhelm me. You saw the result of that."

Susan reached down and cupped his chin with her hand, raising his head to look her in the eye. She stared into his eyes for a long moment, and then sank down into the floor in front of him, taking his hands in hers. "Remus Lupin, I am not afraid of you. You would never hurt me. I know it."

Tears sprang to Remus's eyes; the misery was starting to engulf him. He was going to hurt her, right now. But better this than inflicting her with his curse, or having to leave her to go to Azkaban for hurting someone else.

He gently pulled his hands away and rose to his feet. "Susan, know that I love you more than I've ever loved another human being. I'll never stop loving you." He turned away from the pain in her eyes and knocked on the door.

Tonks slipped into the room and her eyes grew wide and concerned when she saw the expressions on their faces. "Don't worry - you'll be out of here in no time. I think Dumbledore's persuaded them to drop all charges."

"Thanks, Tonks," Remus said with a curt nod. "Can you see that Susan gets home, please?"

"Remus, don't send me away!" Susan pleaded.

Remus couldn't look at her; he knew he would lose his resolve. "Goodbye, Susan."

Tonks helped the crying woman to her feet and let her out the door, throwing a puzzled look at Remus over her shoulder. Remus sat in the chair and put his head in his hands as the grief washed over him.

********************************

Draco woke up feeling odd. That was the only word he could think of to describe it. Physically, he felt perfectly normal, but something was lurking at the edge of his consciousness that felt, well, odd. He shrugged it off, assuming he'd had a strange dream right before he awakened that he couldn't remember.

However, he continued to feel strange throughout the day and by the time he pulled the black cloak from his closet, he had identified the sensation in the pit of his stomach.

It was fear.

Even though he had defined it, he didn't understand it. He had robbed Muggles before, and even though he hated the degradation of it, he had never been afraid. He started to throw the cloak over his shoulders, but then stopped and folded it neatly instead. He shrunk the bundle with his wand and put it in the pocket of his slacks. Maybe it would be wise to observe the target for a while before striking this time.

He Apparated to a point two blocks from the petrol station. He crept through the dark until he reached a hedge that ran along the east side of the building. From this point he could watch the store covertly.

After thirty minutes, Draco started feeling stupid. He wondered what he was worried about; he should just go ahead and execute the robbery. But then something caught his eye from above, and he looked up to see an owl flying over the building. As he watched, the owl flew neatly into the open window of an automobile.

He stared at the car for a few minutes, realizing there must be a wizard inside, wishing he could see the interior. He was so tired of living among Muggles; it would be nice to see a normal person again.

Shrugging to himself, he started to turn back to the building, when the owl flew out of the car and back over the building, disappearing behind it. Curious, Draco tiptoed along the hedge until he reached the other end. He parted it gently with his hands; he could now see behind the petrol station, and the scene caused him to audibly gasp.

The owl was talking to a stag and a toad. Well, it wasn't talking to them, but it was obvious they were communicating somehow.

Draco stepped back and shook his head. He must be seeing things. Wild animals weren't supposed to be so friendly with each other, and even if they were, what would a stag be doing in a city? He stepped forward to look through the hedge again. To his relief, the animals weren't communicating any longer. The owl had disappeared, and the toad was hopping away from the stag. The stag stood still, facing the west, as if it were watching the door.

His back began to hurt from leaning into the hedge, but the stag never moved. A suspicion began to grow in his mind, causing him to step back from the hedge and walk to the other end. He peered through the hedge and scoured the ground in front of the station with his eyes until he saw it. The toad was standing watch over the front door. He didn't see the owl, but considered his suspicion confirmed. Animagi.

Draco was stunned; there were wizards watching his target! He wondered how they knew; he hadn't told anyone where he was going. But even more puzzling, he now realized he'd been having a premonition that he needed to abort his plans tonight. He had never experienced forewarnings or omens before.

The first light of dawn appeared behind him, and still he watched, ignoring his cold hands and feet. Finally, the animals gathered behind the store again. Draco watched in fascination as they changed into humans, and then forgot to breathe for several seconds when he recognized them.

There was no reason to stay any longer. He Apparated back to his hotel room, undressed, and got into bed, staring at the ceiling as he contemplated the night's events. Soon, he quit wondering how they knew he would be there, how he knew not to rob the store, and why those particular people were looking for him. Instead, he started wondering how he could use it all to his advantage. He smiled as a plan began to form in his mind.

***********************

When Harry awoke, the sun was shining bright through the gap in the opaque hotel curtains. Groaning, he rolled over and looked at the digital clock on the bedside table, which read, "11:53". He flopped onto his back and covered his face with his hands as the events of the previous night flooded his memory. He had been wrong! How was that possible? He finally struggled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom.

After a shower and two cups of coffee he felt physically better, but no closer to figuring out what had gone wrong. He thought about asking Snape, but didn't know if their telepathic connection would work over such a great distance. Maybe he would try a little later; it would be dinnertime in Britain now, anyway.

Harry was restless and felt trapped in the hotel room. He couldn't take the car and leave the others without transportation, but he didn't feel like going for a walk, either. Socializing with his friends wasn't an appealing option, so he flipped on the television. When the noise became an annoyance, he opened his laptop and began idly surfing the internet.

The chime for an instant message startled him; he hadn't noticed that Ginny was online. He accepted and quickly scanned her message. "I'm glad you're online. My dad heard something at work yesterday - it's about Remus." He continued to read in stunned disbelief as Ginny told him about Remus's arrest and subsequent breakup with Susan.

Harry didn't know what to say. After pondering for a moment, he typed, "I wish I was there. He needs someone to talk to."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought you would want to know."

"It's ok," he typed quickly. "Really, thanks for telling me. I'll think of a way to get a message to him."

"So, how are you doing?"

He hesitated before answering, longing to express his frustration to Ginny, but unable to reveal the details of their mission. He settled for typing, "Fine. How are you?"

"Ok, but bored. When are you coming home?"

That warm, pleasant feeling flooded his stomach again, but before he could answer, she sent another message, "I meant both of you, of course."

Harry felt a little deflated, but it didn't change his answer. "I really don't know how long we'll be here." He hit "send", and then took a few moments to work up the nerve to type, "I hope we're finished soon - I'm really looking forward to talking to you in person."

Thankfully, her reply came quickly, "Me too."

She wanted to see him! He suddenly felt emboldened and a little reckless. Their previous conversation had been plaguing him, and he wanted to continue it. After debating how to introduce the topic, he typed, "Are you upset about Neville?" and hit "send" before he could change his mind.

"A little. I feel I hurt him because I couldn't give him what he wanted."

Ginny's honest response gave him the courage to press further. "You said you weren't in love with him, and maybe that's why you couldn't talk to him about your dreams."

"Yeah. I guess it's difficult for me to trust someone I don't love."

"But you trust me," Harry typed quickly before he lost his nerve.

"Yes, I do."

His heartbeat accelerated. He took a deep breath, and with trembling fingers, typed, "Why?"

"I guess because I love you, Harry."

Harry had no idea how much he had been longing for those words until he saw them on the screen. He felt giddy, and his hands continued to shake as he typed, "I love you, too," realizing that it was true. But something stopped him from clicking the mouse to send the message. The memories of his evil deeds flooded his mind, and he angrily held down the backspace key to erase the message. Instead he typed, "You can't. You don't really know me."

"I've known you since we were kids! I know you almost as well as my brothers!"

He could picture her, in her flat, in front of her computer, typing this message. He realized he had probably made her angry, and her beautiful face would be screwed up with rage, her brown eyes flashing. Or, worse, he might have hurt her feelings, and tears would be flowing from her lovely eyes. His stomach clenched at the images he was creating, but he knew he was doing the right thing. He could never have a relationship with someone who didn't know the whole truth about him; it would be a lie. He couldn't risk her finding out about his deeds later and rejecting him; that would be too painful to bear.

His fingers felt full of lead as he typed his message. "I've done some horrible things. Evil things. There's no way you could love someone like me."

"I've been in love with you for a long time. There's nothing you could do that would change that."

"You don't know what I've done." A single tear hit the keyboard as he clicked the mouse to send the message.

"Do Ron and Hermione know?"

"Yes."

"They still love you. Why couldn't I?"

Harry shook his head at the computer screen and typed, "That's different. They lived through most of it with me."

"It's not different. If they can accept you, that's enough for me."

"It is different. They're my friends. You're talking about a different sort of relationship."

"It doesn't matter. Tell me." He stared at the screen as the words started swimming in tears. When the chime sounded again, he had to swipe his eyes with the back of his hand so he could see her message. "Please. Trust me."

He jumped at the pounding on the door. "Harry, let me in," said Ron. "We've got to talk about last night."

Harry cursed softly and yelled, "Just a minute."

"Ron's here, I've got to go," he quickly typed.

The door opened and Ron walked over to him as the chime sounded once more. Harry glanced quickly at Ginny's message, "Harry, this conversation is not over!" and closed the dialog box before Ron could see it.

"What are you doing?" he asked curiously.

"I was talking to Ginny over the internet."

"Talking?"

"Well, sort of. You have to type everything. Give me a minute - I need to explain to her that I need to get off."

Ron watched over his shoulder as he opened a new box and typed, "Ron's right here. I've got to go to a meeting now. I promise I'll e-mail you later." He clicked "send".

"Cool! Can I say hi?" said Ron.

"Ron says hi," Harry typed.

The chime sounded, signaling Ginny's response, and making Ron jump in surprise. "Ok. Tell Ron I said hi, and I miss him."

Ron read her response over Harry's shoulder and narrowed his eyes. "Witchy Woman?"

Harry had recovered enough to laugh lightly. "Yeah. That's her instant message handle - her internet name. Mine's Magic Man." He looked up at Ron's bewildered face and laughed harder. "I made them up - they're both names of old rock songs. Appropriate, huh?"

***********************************

"Is the food here?" Harry asked as he entered the hotel room. "I'm starving."

"Yes, and it's getting cold," Ron answered, obviously annoyed.

Harry grabbed a piece of pizza and sat down at the table. "Sorry, we had a lot to discuss."

"So," said Hermione, "what did Professor Snape think?"

"Wait - are you talking about Severus Snape? He's Harry's tutor?" Lisa cut in.

"Yes," answered Hermione.

"Wow! He was a double agent during the war, wasn't he? He's a hero!"

"Yes, and such a charming man," Ron said.

Hermione snorted and Harry laughed openly. "What?" Lisa asked.

"Never mind," said Harry. He took a large bite of pizza and said, "He wasn't much help." Hermione rolled her eyes and Harry swallowed quickly. "Sorry. He says it's possible that Malfoy could sense my probing because he's a wizard, and the other thieves were all Muggles. Possible, but unlikely." Harry urgently took another bite.

"Did you tell him we think it's Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

Harry swallowed before he answered this time. "Yeah - this is rich. He said he hopes we're right - he always hated him and would love to see him rot in Azkaban."

Ron made a grunt of outrage. "But he always favored him in class!"

"I guess it was all part of the act." He cocked his head to one side. "You know, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if he meant for me to hear that thought." He took a drink of soda. "He also said that Lucius is likely with him, probably sitting around making Draco do the dirty work. He couldn't help wondering if we had stumbled into a nest of former Death Eaters. He was going to talk to Dumbledore about it."

"A nest of snakes," Lisa commented. "I wonder if we should call for backup."

"I think that's premature," Ron said. "We don't have enough information yet. Malfoy could be acting on his own."

"So what was Snape's explanation for what happened last night?" Hermione asked.

"He thinks the most likely explanation is that something just happened to prevent him from being there," Harry said. "He doubts my prediction was incorrect, because I was likely reading Malfoy's intentions instead of the actual future. When I had the dream, Malfoy intended to rob the store that night. Anything could have stopped him - stomachache, sudden change of plans, whatever. Snape thinks we should try again, that it's likely to work eventually."

"I hope he had a stomachache," Ron mumbled.

"Snape's theory makes sense," Hermione said, nodding.

"So we just sit around here and wait for Harry to have another dream?" Ron grumbled.

"Well, that seems to be the most reasonable course of action right now," Lisa answered.

Hermione stood. "I agree," she said, "but I think we need to get out of here for awhile. We need some distraction. Any ideas, Lisa? Something outdoors - the weather's nice."

"Wait," Harry protested, "Can I finish my lunch, first?"

******************************************

The four went to Bell's Amusement Park. Harry rode every ride and had the time of his life. He almost made himself sick with the mixture of cotton candy and a certain spinning contraption. The wizards had a hard time persuading the witches to get on the rides, but in most cases they gave in. However, Harry later found tiny bruises on his arm from Lisa's gripping fingers.

Harry had never been to an amusement park before and vowed to visit every single one in the United Kingdom. He felt so free when riding the roller coaster; it reminded him of flying. His problems stayed behind on the boarding platform while he was on a ride. He had so much fun, he forgot to resent the Dursleys for refusing to take him anywhere pleasant as a child.

However, reality had to be faced when he went to his room that night; the thought of what he had to tell Ginny was eating away at him. He flipped open his laptop and signed on, breathing a sigh of relief that she wasn't online. The empty screen seemed to mock him as he wondered how to begin.

"Dear Ginny," sounded too generic. After erasing the screen, he typed, "Dearest Ginny," and then realized that sounded too familiar; he loved her, but he was trying to discourage her. He finally settled on her name alone as a greeting.

Ginny,

Sorry I had to get off suddenly. Our mission here has hit a snag, and Ron and I needed to meet with our partners to decide what to do next.

That part was easy. He buried his face in his hands, agonizing over how to put his feelings and convictions into words. Finally, the words began to flow slowly from his fingers.

I need to tell you the horrible things I've done. I don't want to, but you need to understand why you can't love me. You knew me well as a boy, and I considered you a friend. But you don't know the man I've become, and it's important that you understand.

He started with his illegal Animagus transformation and his research into the Dark Arts, carefully leaving out Ron's and Hermione's involvement. Next came the Unforgivable Curses he had used, including his murder of Peter Pettigrew, and the details of how he had killed Voldemort. He continued with his stint in America as the Cloaked Vigilante, and finished with his horrible words to Ron about Hermione. Nothing was omitted.

Even though he was completely honest about every detail and offered no justification or excuses, he couldn't help betraying his guilt and his desire for redemption. As he typed, he felt as if poison was pouring out of his body through his fingers and his soul was slowly being cleansed.

He worked on the message for hours, agonizing over every word, sometimes standing up to pace the room, and sometimes just sitting with his head in his hands until the next word finally came.

As dawn's first light started leaking through the crack in the curtains, he finally finished the e-mail with, "Love always, Harry." He sent it, turned off the computer, and flopped onto the bed. His heart was filled with sadness at what he could never have with Ginny, but the overwhelming relief of confession sent him immediately to sleep.