Remus' Nifty, Big, Red, Beautiful Book

Author's Notes: Thanks to Ashley, my beta! The first entry in this chapter is based on one of the last scenarios I did with my friend.

Wednesday, August 3, 1981

I have been thinking, no doubt due to my 'classes' at the coffee shop, that I might be a geek. And I really don't like that. I'm getting a little worried. Maybe I'll read a book.

I changed my mind. I'm too worried the book I'm going to read is geeky. Is Othello geeky? I don't know. Maybe I'm not a geek. I mean, there are plenty of un-geeky things about me, right? I have a deep voice. That's good. I'm tall, but I'm scrawny. Oh, but once a month I'm not scrawny! ...No, then I'm hairy. In fact, I'm always a little hairy... Is that good or bad? I don't know... Um, what else? I can make a whipped latte it thirty seconds. But so can Winston. Oh, God. I'm in the same category as Winston! What can I do to prove that I'm not in the same category as Winston?! ...I know what I can do, but I don't want to. I hate leather.

Perhaps it is a confidence thing? James and Sirius are always confident, and people say they're 'cool'. Yes, that'll be it - I lack confidence and self-esteem. Maybe Sirius could teach me to be confident instead of that other stuff. Confidence would probably help my Nina problem too. Oh, no... I seemed to get on with Nina well enough at the wedding, but what if she thinks I'm a geek? What if she has a boyfriend? In Africa? Someone better than me? Someone tall and buff and tan who can fight off lions with a spear, swim across a piranha-filled river and climb trees? Hey - I can climb a tree, I'm sure. With confidence. I'm going to climb a tree confidentially!!!

***

I am humiliated beyond belief. I cannot believe I actually convinced myself to climb a tree in the park. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, I think.

I walked a few blocks to the park and attempted to climb one of the leafy trees. That is, I grabbed a thick branch above my head with both hands before I was approached by a young girl.

"Hey, Mister, what are you doing?"

I, hoping to sound confident, say, "Why, young girl, I am climbing this tree with confidence."

She stared at me for a few seconds before hurrying off to the swing set. Silly girl, I thought.

I had managed to pull myself upside down onto the branch like a sloth when another little girl appeared and smiled, saying, "Hi, Remmie. What are you doing?"

It was Olivia Potter.

"Hello, Olivia. I'm climbing this tree here," I told her patiently.

She cocked her head quizzically in a very Sirius-like fashion and said, "You are not, silly! This is how you climb a tree!"

And Olivia Potter proceed to climb into the tree like a little chimpanzee. I could have sworn. A six year old could climb a tree better than me. I thought it couldn't get any worse when two faces tilted to try and properly look at me. I prayed that I wasn't really seeing them, and that they were just figments of my mind created by all the blood rushing to my head, but a few moments later, James and Sirius were still standing in front of me.

"I'm climbing the tree," I told them, before either said a word.

"With confidence?" Sirius added slyly.

"A little girl just ran by, telling her mummy that there was 'a strange man climbing a tree with confidence'," James explained. "We'd have never thought the strange man was you, Remus."

"Yeah, well," I said bitterly. "I guess we can't all be little bleeding monkeys like you Potters."

James decided to join Olivia in the braches of the tree, but he climbed much higher. Sirius looked up to his little sister and said, "No higher than that, little lady." When she nodded he looked back at me, and I swung down rather clumsily to the ground. Sirius offered a hand to me, since I was on the ground and a bit disoriented from all the blood draining from my head.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I must have sounded rather accusing, because when he spoke, Sirius had a bit of a defensive tone that suggested he was prepared to argue with me about the right of going to a public park.

"It's the 'Potter Family Park Day', actually. We all stop back at our parents' home and then come here. There's one every year. Virginia is sitting under a tree, probably reading, and mother and dad are sitting and talking. Is there a reason you're here, confidentially climbing a tree?"

"No," I said casually. I looked around for a change of subject. Olivia gave it to me.

"Siri, catch me!" she squealed from her place in the branches. She launched herself into the air and Sirius caught her easily in his arms. "Hey little monkey," he chuckled. She climbed onto his shoulders and sat there making monkey noises. Sirius turned back to me.

"Have you been writing in your journal again?" he asked me shrewdly.

"What? No. What makes you say that?" I retorted, sure that he can't possibly know.

"Oh, it's just you usually do weird things after you write in it. I mean, when you put your thoughts on paper, they sort of, I dunno, wander more freely, and then you set yourself to either proving whatever you wrote right or wrong," Sirius finished wisely as James dropped deftly from somewhere above. He sounded like he knew exactly what he was talking about, but I'm not sure whether Sirius was just being observant or if I really do do odd things after writing in my journal. I did my best to cover up though.

"Well, I don't know where you get that from," I said quickly, decided it was time to go. "Um, have a good family park day thing, I have spaghetti boiling and I don't want it to burn down the apartment." I had, of course, no such thing going on at home, but I decided that the excuse would suffice. As I left, I heard Olivia ask, "Can we eat skebilletti at Remmie's house?" I chuckled softly at the girl's pronunciation of the word and vaguely heard James say that the apartment was far too small for all of them.

So now I don't know what to think. I can't even climb a goddamned tree. When Nina gets back, she will definitely not go out with me. Not unless I get more confident and learn how to fight off lions with a spear or swim across a piranha infested river. I think I'd rather the lions; I can't swim well in the first place. Oh, I really am pathetic.

Thursday, August 4, 1981

Ah, Rem, you aren't all that bad. Don't beat yourself up!

- Sirius

***

You may be wondering about the above, or why my first words were not 'damn you, Sirius, stay out of my journal' or something of the nature. Well, Sirius paid me a visit, because he was suspicious. Well, James was too, but he just stays suspicious. Sirius is always determined to get to the bottom of whatever it is. He's always been that way. Maybe it helps him in the Aurory or something, but it's damn annoying in his social life.

So today, I walked in, carrying my plastic grocery bag of uncooked pasta and his voice said from the couch, "So, Remus, are you carrying that bag confidentially?"

He nearly gave me a conniption.

"You nearly gave me a conniption, Black," I told him. He shrugged as I tossed my pasta onto the floor. It was then that I notice he held in his hands a familiar red book. He had this stupid journal.

"I was right," he said simply. He placed the book gently on the coffee table and looked up at me. It was then that I realized he looked neither cocky nor jesting. He looked a little sad and pretty serious. It was also then that I realized there had been no teasing in his voice when I walked in.

"You know," he said, taking a deep breath and exhaling, "whatever anyone says, Remus, you aren't a geek or a nerd or whatever. I know I say it all the time, but I don't mean it. You know that, right?"

I was stunned, shell-shocked, and otherwise surprised. I didn't know that he didn't mean it, but I simply nod, muted by the sudden blow to normality.

"You're really great. You are. I mean, just because you can't - what was it? - swim across a river full of piranhas doesn't make you a substandard person. I can't swim across such a river either, Remus; no one can. No one except this African guy you've dreamed up. I happen to know from the gossip freak that is called my wife that Nina isn't going out with anyone, much less the super-human you described. And you are right too. You need a confidence boost."

I didn't know what to think. "Okay," I say, remaining unsure of what to do.

"I mean, stand up straight, Rem; no need to slouch to hide your height. Okay, just walk with confidence. Walk like you've got a place to go, someone to meet, and something specific to do. Now walk like you know you are going to do the task perfectly, because you are the best." It was here where I faltered. Sirius noticed. "Remus," he said, "say it. Say 'I am the best'."

"Is that why you and James are so confident? Do you guys wake up in the morning and say 'I am the best'?"

"Every time I look it the mirror," Sirius said promptly, a twinkling laughter in his eyes.

"You are vain, Sirius Black."

"Perhaps a bit," he admitted. Contradicting his own words, he continued, without missing a beat, "But this is about you, not me. So say it. 'I am the best'."

"I am the best," I repeat, feeling odd.

"Doesn't that feel good? Just keeping saying it, if you have to. Now walk like you are going to do that task really well. Why are you going to do it well?"

"Because I'm...confident?" I suggested.

Amazingly, though this was the wrong answer, Sirius did not sigh, slap his forehead, or show any sign of frustration. "Because you are the best," he corrected, smiling at me. It was that that really heartened me. That smile. It wasn't a smirk with some unknown subtext behind it. It wasn't the grin that always appeared when he found something funny. It was a smile I rarely saw that told me Sirius didn't think I was hopeless and pathetic. We continued for a little bit, in which I said the words 'I am the best' several times. After about a half an hour, Sirius decided it was time to go, but said, laughing, "Jesus, Remus, I think you're really getting it; I'm leaving and I'm not quite sure what to do... Am I really the best, or is that you?" I grinned to myself as closed the door and found that I really did feel better. That's the odd thing about Sirius Black: he can be absolutely horrid and maul your self-esteem one day and the next, he makes you feel like ten thousand galleons.

Saturday, August 6, 1981

I sent Nina a letter today. I hope she gets it soon. It read:

Dear Nina,

It's Remus. I just thought I would send a note to see how you are doing. It was really nice to see you at the wedding in May. It will be great when you finally come home. Nothing up here is too interesting, but if you haven't heard, Sirius and Elle are going to have a baby. Images of a mini-Sirius have raced through my mind and I am praying (you probably are too), that it is a little girl like Elle. I hope you're doing well. Give my regards to Casey and your other friends.

Yours,

Remus

I'm thinking the "Yours, Remus" might have been a little much, but it's too late now; the bird is probably flying across France as I write here. Anyway, I could have been more terribly obvious and put in the vague suspicions of the African super-man.

Earlier, I told Sirius, James and Peter that I sent the letter. James and Peter began the badgering I expected about how in love I am with her and that sort of thing. Sirius, amazingly, remained silent. I think he's trying to make up for past words or something. But his smirk is back in place, so I can be assured he has several witty remarks being held back.

Wednesday, August 10, 1981

Sue let me know today that, even come September, we were not going to resume my 'classes'. I was not aggrieved by this by any means, but I admit, I was somewhat confused.

"I was talking with Sirius," Sue began. I raised my hand to stop her.

"Is he being nice and considering my feelings?" I asked.

"I guess you could say that. I mean, we were not out to get you or anything. We just wanted to help. When we were talking, we just realized that you really didn't need it."

"No, I guess I don't. But it did seem like fun for you... Maybe we could try to make Winston cool," I suggested, laughing.

Winston arrived in the door at that moment, looking as Winston-like as ever, and Sue and I exchanged glances.

"Winston?" Sue asked.

"Yes?" he answered, coming behind the counter and looking suspicious.

"Would you like to be cool? A womanizing ladies' man?" She didn't even bother to conceal her grin. I sipped at some coffee, grinning over the rim of the mug.

"Oh, Sue," Winston said, "I don't need your help! You wouldn't imagine how many Vulcan girls I've got after me! A girl at every convention; two, at some! Those ladies really like a guy who can quote Captain Kirk from season one on..."

I choked on the bit of coffee I had in my mouth and it spilled ungracefully from my mouth into my cup and all over my chin as the bell above the door announced the arrival of our first customer of the day.

Thursday, August 18, 1981

I've put this aside for a while, but I have some exciting - well, interesting, at least - news: Nina wrote back!

Yes, it is a nice, decent length letter; I don't remember ever having her write this much to me. I've attached it just below:

Dear Remus,

Nice of you to write; I really wasn't expecting it. Everyone here is doing fine. Classes are really getting interesting. We've begun a full class on poisons, and they're really fascinating. Some potions I doubt even Slughorn knew about. In January it's going to get tougher though, because we're going to go out to African villages to help them out while we test our skills. I just hope no one gets shot with a blow dart or eaten or something.

I did hear about Elle expecting a baby. She wrote me in June. She seems really excited, but I definitely hope that another Sirius doesn't enter the world: one is plenty. How are they? How about James and all the rest? Lily writes about once a month, but it's usually full of Lily things and nothing about what's going on.

Casey says hello, as do Maggie, Jamal and Vicky, my friends here. You don't know much about them, and they really don't know you, but they say hello anyway. When we finally finish school, they fancy coming to England for a few weeks to meet everyone.

I do miss everyone, especially Lily, Alice, Elle and you. It won't be that long till I come back, though. It'll be so different there than it is here. I'll have to get new clothes, since it's so bloody hot down here and so bloody chilly and wet up there.

Till then,

Nina

I notice that she didn't say "Yours, Nina", but she did say she missed me especially! I wrote her again, telling her that everyone is doing perfectly fine and asking questions about her school and friends. I think it'd be rather cool to meet them all. However, if they are all like Casey, I'm not sure I should meet them all at the same time; it might be overwhelming.

Saturday, August 21, 1981

Today was really nice. I got to hang out with James, Peter and Sirius. We went to the Leaky Cauldron where we sat at the bar and talked amongst ourselves and Tom, the landlord and barman, occasionally remarked too. Tom's a great sort.

"That's nice," Sirius said after I finished paraphrasing Nina's letter. "She sent a letter more than a few sentences. That's more than Elle gets."

"Really?" I asked, trying to sound only surprised, but finding that my heart had gone off soaring; she wrote more to me than to her friend!

"Mmhmm," was what Sirius managed, taking a swig of beer.

"I think it's adorable!" James cooed.

"What's adorable, lads?" Tom asked as he wiped down the counter.

"Remus is in love, and the girl in question wrote him a letter," Peter explained in cooing tones as though speaking to a small child. Tom smiled his toothless smile and nodded to me. I looked down at my knees and felt James slap me hard on the back.

"Yup, ol' Remmie here'll be next to wed!" James said. This of course is nonsense: werewolves are hardly eligible for marriage, at least not without filling out mountainous stacks of paperwork and going through specific Ministry processes with their betrothed. I didn't say any of that, of course, though Sirius seemed to know it was a delicate topic for a werewolf, no doubt from all the training he has in the laws, because he changed the subject to something completely out of the ball park, something sure to get James's mind away from anything...

"So, Jimmy, how's the Quidditch team?"

James proceeded to rant about his team for about ten minutes. He always had tales to tell, but you didn't actually have to pay attention; I, for example, felt like thinking instead of hearing about the Keeper's spectacular new moves, and so I simply plastered an interested look on my face, nodded every once and a while and laughed if I heard Peter or Sirius start to, and my mind was quite free to wander.

I wanted to marry Nina. I realized it at that moment. But, sadly for me, several things stood in the way. The would-be-bride's consent, for one, is a crucial detail of matrimony. Money also plays a part, and gold is something I am sorely lacking at this present time. Tie in my werewolf issue and you've never set eyes on a man less likely to marry his dream girl, even if she isn't hooked up with a buff African.

I was so enraptured in my silent self-pity that I did not realize that Peter was trying to get my attention.

"Remus? Reeeeemus? Remus!"

On the third "Remus!", I was snapped out of my solitary thoughts. "Hmm?"

"Well, now that I've got your attention, my mum wants to have you lot over for dinner some night. Hannah is bringing some of her friends, and I'm sure that they would be delighted to dine with you all."

"I'm sure they would," James said, smirking. "Little Hannah has quite the soft spot for Sirius, here."

"Don't you go messing with my innocent little sister, Black," Peter warned jokingly. "She's only ten, and I don't need her already exposed to that sort of thing."

Sirius laughed. "Well, tell your mum that's great, but it'd be best after August ends. My finals are the last three days of August, and they are going to be grueling. This'll be the last time I have a break from working my arse off for a week and a half!"

"Okay, so in September. James? You got any dates set aside?" Peter asked, turning to James, who drained his bottle and said, "Nope! I'm free almost all evenings, you know that."

"Lucky bastard," Sirius muttered.

"Any time is fine with me, Pete," I told him.

"Great! I'll let you know when."

Sirius watch began beeping and he rose. "Sorry, guys, I've got to go."

James checked his own watch. "What, is half past nine your curfew now?" he mocked.

Sirius shrugged. "I'll see you guys later."

The rest of us said goodbye and soon disbanded. The night's events made me miserable, in the end, all because of one comment about marriage. How pathetic is that?

Sunday, August 22, 1981

Ah, yes, I thought it was something like that. Forgive me, Remus, for breaking and entering your apartment and then proceeding to read your journal, but I obviously knew something was up, and since you wouldn't tell me when I called this morning, I had no choice. Plus, breaking into your flat was good practice for the Stealth and Secrecy part of my final.

Anyway, Remus, old buddy, old pal, you are going to have to stop pondering on her and romantic ties between you, because we both know that right now, they don't exist. You'll only hurt yourself more. Secondly, you can get married, you know. It's just like you said: a shit-load of papers and some medical procedures. The process of all that would only take about a year. I know that you know these things, but so do I; I test on them next Tuesday.

Don't depress yourself over things you cannot change! As for things like money, I know that you hate it, but you have friends that will give you these little things called gifts and loans. In case you didn't know, a gift is something that one person gives to another without repayment, and a loan is when a person gives you all the bloody gold you need and you pay them back in bits and pieces.

The last bit: Nina. Remus, she is in Africa, so not you, nor anyone else, can know what she is thinking. Jesus Christ, Rem, even when she is in England, right in front of you no one knows what the hell is going through her mind! So for all you know, she could be planning her pastel blue and lavender wedding ceremony. Though I doubt it, as it's an un-Nina-y sort of thing to do.

Remus, be confident. Do I need to remind you every day? You are the best, okay? Okay you self-pitying, bastardly asshole? Say it every day. Please? It'll make you feel better, I promise.

-Sirius

PS Sorry about the name calling above. Unfortunately, I wrote in ink and Peter's inerasable jinx is on the entire book. I didn't mean it, really.

Monday, August 23, 1981

If the Aurors are being taught to break into the homes of civilians, I worry. I try not to take his chiding insults seriously, but sometimes, he's so right that I can't ignore them. I am a self-pitying arsehole. Am I pitying myself now, as I write? I think I am. Oh, now what?

I wish Sirius would be like James and just stay suspicious instead of going snooping around for details. He's in here reading and reviewing my journal like it's a funny bit of fiction, a story! Well, the story of my life, yes, but not funny or fictional, though I wish parts of it were. Maybe I'll suggest Sirius get his own 'nifty book' to write in, since he seems so keen on commenting on my journal.

Thursday, August 26, 1981

I've given Sirius a present today: his very own 'Nifty, Big, Blue, Beautiful Book' to write down his life in. He claims he'll use it for nothing, except perhaps writing reviews to study for his upcoming final.

"Yes, it will help," I pointed out. "You can write all of your troubles and fears in it."

"I don't have and troubles or fears," he retorted. What a lie.

"Sure you do. You can write anything you want to in it!" I insisted.

"Whatever, Rem. I've got to go; Ali, Frank and Alice are coming to practice weaponry usage."

I think he'll use it. Secretly, of course; he'd never admit to it. Though I don't know who'd read it anyway. It'd be so full of swearwords no one would be able to decipher what he was trying to say.