Remus' Nifty, Big, Red, Beautiful Book

Author's Notes: Thanks again to Arni.

Tuesday, June 1, 1981

My doom is at hand. I mean it. Sue has decided she wants to 'help me' become 'cooler'. She seriously said, "Remus, we need to make you cool. You aren't too cool, you know?" Am I doomed or what?

Wednesday, June 2, 1981

I thought Sue would be my downfall. I was right. But another terror has joined forces with her.

Today, Winston, Sue, and I were in the coffee shop. Sue was giving me a bit of a break from all the talk of me being 'un-cool', and Winston... Well, Winston's been a little paranoid since the April Fool's trick. He keeps his 'Alien spray' close at hand now. So at six this evening, guess what moron walks in? Sirius. This can't be good. Only, it seemed like he really didn't know I worked here. He came up to the counter and ordered some coffee from Sue, who was eyeing him interestedly. I lurked in the shadows, but Sirius' super-Auror-presence-noticing skills must be good, because all of a sudden, he looks straight at the dark corner I'm avoiding him in and says, "Remus?"

Sue dropped what she was doing and looked at Sirius.

"You know him?" she asked.

"Yeah... Remus- Oh! This is where you work!" he exclaimed with a dawning realization.

Winston returned from the storage area and came into the light. I followed, coming out of the shadows.

"Hey, you must be Winston!" Sirius said with a laugh.

Winston froze and dropped the straws he had gone to get.

"Yes..." he whined, sounding frightened. "How do you know my name...?"

"Well, Re-"

"You're one of them!" Winston cried in sheer terror. He dived under the counter and whipped out an 'alien spray' bottle and soaked Sirius with it. Sirius stared at him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Winston shrieked. "IT'S NOT AFFECTING HIM!"

Sirius looked to Sue, since she was closer. Sue muttered something about aliens.

"HE'S HERE FOR ME!" Winston continued to cry out.

Since someone had just come in, I told Sirius to come behind the counter. He did so, scaring Winston again, who continued to wail things like "NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE ME ALIVE!" and "LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONE!"

I took the confused customer's order, while Sue and Sirius became acquainted, Winston's shrill laments in the background.

"How do you know Remus?" I heard Sue ask.

"Oh, we go back a long way," came Sirius' reply.

"Oh!" I couldn't mistake the tone in Sue's voice. She had a wicked evil idea.

"Well," she continued slyly, "since you know him so well, maybe you could help me out."

"Pray tell." Sirius sounded interested.

"I've noticed that Remus isn't that cool."

Sirius snorted. "He's worked here for a while, hasn't he? How long did that take?"

"Not long," Sue said smoothly. "So, you wanna help me 'de-nerd-ify' him?"

"What?" Sirius said, laughing.

"Oh, you know; make him cooler."

"Really? You serious?"

"Yeah! So will you?"

I rolled my eyes. With Sirius teamed up with Sue, I was fated for a disastrous end. Sue and Sirius lowered their voices, and as soon as I finished serving the customer, Sirius grabbed me gruffly by the shoulder and pulled me over to the shadows I was lurking in before. There stood Sue. Sirius, sighing, turned to Winston, who was whimpering.

"You," he said, purposely forcing an extra crazed tone in his voice, making Winston flinch, "you keep a lookout. If a person comes in, you serve them. We've got work to do. Got it?"

Winston went wide-eyed and nodded so fast and hard that his thick glasses were sliding off his nose. Sirius was having way too much fun with this. Once Winston was gone, my lessons began.

"We'll go one thing at a time," Sue said sweetly.

"Today's lesson," Sirius continued, "is clothing."

I opened my mouth to object but Sue shushed me.

"Now, Remus, I know you haven't got the most accessible amount of money, but I'm sure there are ways to get less shitty clothing, no offence meant, mate."

"None taken," I assured him automatically.

"I am willing to take you shopping," Sue picked up. "We'll take ₤200 and get you a small, new wardrobe."

"I'm sorry?" I said, hardly believing this.

"She's taking you to go shopping for clothes."

"Yep!" Sue said cheerfully.

"Sirius, you are kidding about that, aren't you?"

"No. And the money's coming from me," he told me honestly.

"I don't want-."

"I know, o noble Remus. You don't want money from anyone. I've heard it all before, several times, in fact. The point here is: I do not care. I'm giving the money to Sue, who is spending it on you. End of discussion."

"What we need now," Sue added, cutting off my unspoken words, "is a style. What kind of style do we want for Remus?"

"Hm." Sirius seemed to contemplate thins for a while, coming up only with, and "You're the woman here, Sue I think you'd be the best person to make a decision."

"Okay," Sue agreed. "I'm thinking something similar to your style," she told Sirius.

Sirius looked down at his clothing as if to ask, 'I have a style?'

"I'm not wearing any leather, nor am I buying a motorbike," I said firmly, gesturing to Sirius' leather jacket. Sirius pretended to look injured, but quickly recovered.

"She said similar," he said pointedly, clapping his hands together. "I think that ends our class today, Remus! So you two can work out when you'll go out before the end of your shift. I, on the other hand, better grab the coffee I came for and get it to Elle before she thinks I got arrested again," he added with an acknowledging nod at me.

I rolled my eyes again. Sirius strolled over to Winston and tapped him on the back. Winston spun around and shrieked. Sirius barked out another laugh and asked Winston to make a coffee for him. I made it instead, though, after we heard Winston's plans to put the 'alien spray' into it. Then Sirius was gone, and I could only stare at Sue, who watched me in amusement.

Wednesday, June 9, 1981

They weren't kidding. Sirius showed up after he finished training today.

"Hey Remus, Sue," he called, and grinning mischievously, added, "Winston."

Winston shrank away and muttered something about napkins in the basement. He disappeared and Sue waved at Sirius. I didn't like the way this looked.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Sirius suspiciously.

"To continue your weekly lessons on how NOT to be a nerd!" he proclaimed proudly.

"Now," he said, climbing behind the counter, "I hear from Sue you're going shopping after your shift today."

"Yep," Sue agreed happily before I could say anything.

"Sue, I'm not going shopping," I told her.

"Um, yes you are."

"Fine."

It seemed as though I didn't have a choice unless I really wanted to fight. And I didn't. I didn't have the energy.

"Great!" Sirius said. "Lesson two. Sue, you take this one."

"Personality," Sue said.

"We don't want you to change totally," Sirius said quickly. "It's just, well, you read books about the golf. You subscribed to a monthly chess magazine!"

"He what?" Sue gasped.

"Yeah. A chess magazine."

"Okay, we're changing our lesson plan. Not personality. Reading material."

"Good idea."

I hate these two.

"You need to read some fiction," Sirius informed me.

"Yeah, good fiction."

"Or if you must read non-fiction to feed your hunger for knowledge, something interesting, like 'The Little Black Book of Sex'."

I gaped at them for a minute.

"Excuse me," a woman called, annoyed, from the counter.

"Sorry," Sirius, Sue, and I chorused. Sue hurried over to help the woman.

Sirius glanced at his watch. "Ooh," he said. "I gotta go. Bye Remus! Bye Sue!" He hurried over to the basement door, threw it open, and called down, "See ya Winston!"

He jumped over the counter and sprinted out the door. As soon as he was gone, Winston reappeared and said, "Ha. I showed him, didn't I? He won't be coming back anytime soon!" Before I could laugh, Sirius poked his head back in and Winston screamed.

"Forgot to tell you," Sirius said, "James wants you over tomorrow at 8. Peter and I will be there too. See ya!" He was gone. I looked at Winston.

"That scream really scared him off," I said with as much seriousness as I could muster.

"It was my battle cry!" Winston protested with dignity.

Two hours later, our shift ended, and Sue dragged me off to shop. We spent ₤179. I have what Sue calls 'cool jeans', two pairs, and a few new shirts. Those were the most trouble.

"Pick out five shirts, Remus," Sue commanded.

"Okay..." I came back a couple minutes later and she took everything out of my arms, holding each hanger up and discarding it with a few words.

"Is this- Oh God, a turtle neck?" Toss. "This can't be what I think it is. What is it called?"

"A sweater," I responded through gritted teeth.

"Eh." She threw it aside with the turtleneck. "And this- Remus. No plaid." She roughly tossed the next two shirts onto the discard pile. "Hm," she said, holding up the final shirt. "Not bad. This is good." It was a plain, dark blue tee shirt. And apparently the only acceptable thing I chose. She picked up another shirt like it in black and a similar one in red. Then she found me one button shirt that was striped ('Totally different than plaid," Sue assured me). I was tempted to scare her and jokingly ask for a pocket protector but refrained; I don't want to kill the girl.

Thursday, June 10, 1981

Sue complimented me on my clothes today. She better, since she bought them. Sirius made me go to Madame Malkin's to get new robes, too. He said I was on the honor system, since he couldn't come with me. He's finishing training at the end of the summer, and his authorities are laying on the work.

Saturday, June 12, 1981

Sirius is a bastard. Again. He showed up at my house this afternoon. Gave me a gift.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's a book, Moony, open it!" he said.

As I unwrapped the book, Sirius disapparated, and I was left to yell at the air, "Sirius, you bastard!"

In my hand I held a copy of 'The Little Black Book of Sex' in all its majesty. I apparated to his flat where I found him laughing, Elle looking at me confused. I held up the book for her to see, and she covered her mouth, stifling giggles.

"What the hell?" I asked Sirius.

"Part of your lessons," he got out, still laughing.

I took the book home, but didn't read it.

I'm going to put it on my bookshelf and never look at it again.

Wednesday, June 16, 1981

My lessons continued today.

Sirius came, as now expected, and Sue had a plan for today's class. If our boss had any idea what we were doing instead of our job, we'd be fired. Except for Winston, who actually runs the place during lessons. Sirius doesn't bother Winston if he keeps busy. However, before our lesson began today, Sue taught Sirius how to make a Number 1 coffee, which is just a vanilla latte. Sirius was very proud of himself. He took a few orders today, which leads me to continue.

Two teenage boys walked in today. Sue whispered that they were real 'cool cats' or something. They went to the counter, and Sirius said he'd take their orders. Probably going to drive them mad, I thought. The boys seemed to accept Sirius as one of them. They probably think he's seventeen. They probably think I'm twenty-seven. Winston glared at Sirius, holding his 'alien spray'.

"Hey, what's up with that dude in the glasses?" one boy asked Sirius.

"Oh, him?" Sirius said, pointing at Winston. "That's one of the guys that really works here."

"You don't?"

"Nope. I'm here giving lessons to him." Sirius pointed to me. Oh, God, this isn't sounding good... I said to myself. Sue looked as though she had a bright idea.

"Hey," she said to the boys. "Maybe you'd like to help. We're making him cooler," she explained.

"Sounds fun," the one boy said. "We got nothing better to do."

"Excellent! We meet on Wednesday at six!"

"I'm going to kill you two...," I threatened Sirius and Sue, but they ignored me.

"I'm Sirius, and this is Sue," Sirius said.

"David and Greg," the boy said, pointing first to himself, then to his friend, Greg.

"Well met," Sirius said. "I'd love to start now, but I've got to head home, before Elle wonders where I am. See you all next week?"

"'Course!" Sue said.

"Yeah, I guess," Greg agreed.

Sirius jumped the counter and headed out, followed shortly by David and Greg. Winston took out a blue washcloth and sprayed the 'alien spray' on the counter Sirius had been leaning on. He wiped down just about everything Sirius had come into contact with, even spraying Sue's hand before she smacked him on the head and scolded, "He's not an alien, Winston."

Winston thinking one of my best friends is an alien wasn't too important compared to the fact I have two new 'teachers'. Am I really that pathetic?

Sunday, June 20, 1981

Wow. Today, we (that is Sirius and Elle's friends and family) found out that Elle, as of today, is exactly one month pregnant. Yes. Elle and Sirius are going to have a baby. We were all shocked, including Elle and Sirius. Ilka made a face, since Sirius got Elle pregnant before the were really married, even if it was only a few days before the wedding. Her reaction was nothing, though, compared to Rowan's. Being Elle's brother and parental figure, he was not too happy. Maybe it's because Sirius is a parent's worst nightmare for their daughter, but Rowan really doesn't like him. So the thought of Sirius doing Rowan's little sister doesn't impress Rowan all that much. The rest of us are happy for Sirius and Elle, although the two themselves are nervous about it all. Sirius is the worst. He is under the impression that he'll be a terrible dad. I admit he isn't too responsible, but he's a great godfather to Harry, and that's got to count for something, hasn't it?

Sunday, June 27, 1981

My mother is insane. Did you know that? Of course you didn't. You're a book. It was her birthday today. Of course, I went for a visit. She's my mother. Anyway, I brought Peter. Big mistake. As soon as we entered the house, I thought back to the first time my mum met my friends, when we were twelve...

Sirius was the first one to show up. I think his mother sent him only to rid him from the house for a few hours, since Sirius, her once perfect son, became Gryffindor-ified. My mum, I guess, thought I'd never have any friends, so she went mad on him. She did the same thing with all of them. Seriously, she thinks they are all gods or something, even now. She's the one mother who likes Sirius, aside his own (Ilka). I mean, when Sirius and James got arrested, they should have called her to bail them out, and she would have skipped to the station and not accepted the money from them.

Back to today. Peter came with me, as I've said, and she fawned all over him again. Peter, needless to say, liked being waited on. I made the visit as short as I could, giving her the gift I brought and wishing her a happy birthday...everything a good son should do. Despite my efforts, it took us two hours to get out of there, not that I think Peter necessarily cared. He was getting pampered after all.

Tuesday, June 29, 1981

I can't believe I'm worried about tomorrow. They're not going to show up. Those two teenagers... Greg and David, I think. They won't come, so there's nothing for me to worry about! And even if they did. I'm a grown man, and more intelligent then they are. Why should I care?

Author's Notes: I want to thank my friend Eric, and I waited til now so it would make sense. Eric and I did something to our other friend Ross similar to what Sue and Sirius did to Remus. July should be coming in a bit.