These Deep Solitudes

Chapter Three - The Storm

"Friendship is constant in all other things/Save in the office and affairs of love."

-- Much Ado About Nothing

Sirius was waiting for them under a huge oak tree. He had tied his longish hair back into a tail and was affecting a careless slouch. His cloak was thrown over one shoulder, revealing his wand, clutched in a white-knuckled hand. Looking at him in the early evening light, Rain was startled by how badly Azkaban had aged him. The laughing light in his eyes had been nearly extinguished; she had seen that when he had come to Heatherhall with her summons. Now she saw threads of white in his thick black hair, deep lines by his eyes and mouth, his hollow cheeks. Yet looking at him, she still felt the tiny thrill she had always felt when, as a schoolgirl, she had seen him across the Great Hall or speeding past on the Quidditch pitch. He was still a very handsome man.

He had seen them before she spotted him; she could tell by the tension in his shoulders. He was frowning, but without great energy. He smiled as he met her gaze.

"Rainstorm! Moony--I'm glad you made it!" He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and slapped Remus' shoulder. "Any trouble getting here?" His voice was hoarse, but the joy in it was obvious. Sirius had never been one for hiding his emotions.

"None," Remus said quietly. His eyes were fixed on Sirius'. "What's going on?"

Sirius gave an explosive sigh and turned away. Rain was confused until she saw a stone bench a few feet further into the trees. Sirius plopped on it. "Buggered if I know," he said, rubbing a hand across his forehead. "I don't think Harry's lying to me--but something is decidedly weird with him."

"Weird, how?" Remus asked, indicating that Rain should take the remaining space; he sat on the ground at her feet. It was odd, she thought, how he managed to make nearly everything he did look dignified.

"Well, for one thing, he and that Malfoy brat were quite civil to one another, and you know as well as I do that they're far more likely to hex each other."

"Mm."

"For another, I don't think he said more than two dozen words to me in the entire half-hour we were together."

"Hmm." Rain bit her lip; this was Calm and Thoughtful Remus, whose very unflappableness had always driven Sirius mad. The other Marauders had usually only found it mildly irritating; but to Rain it had been a source of great comfort. "If Moony ever gets scared," she had told Peter on more than one occasion, "then we are allowed to be scared, too."

Sirius' loud voice broke into her memory. "Remus, are you listening?"

"Of course I am. I'm just thinking."

Sirius hmphed. Rain looked at him again. He looked better in some ways than he had last month, but he was still far too gaunt. He needed someone to fatten him up...

"What?" he snapped, and she grimaced; twelve years in Azkaban would ruin anyone's temper, and his hadn't exactly been good to begin with.

"Did you see that, Moony?" Sirius howled, completely distracted now. "Rain made a face at me! She knows I'm a pathetic excuse for a Marauder, let alone a man! Lord, if even Rain abandons me, life is miserable!"

Such an outburst twenty years ago might have made her blush and stammer. Now she just shook her head. "'Even Rain,'" she quoted dryly. "You do know how to make a girl feel good, don't you?"

Remus laughed as Sirius sputtered. "She's got you, Padfoot. My congratulations, Rainy Day; I have rarely seen Sirius reduced so quickly to speechlessness."

She smiled at him. "Now if only I could achieve silence," she said, and Sirius clapped one hand to his heart and fell over. She laughed. At least she had made him laugh. Well, she thought he was laughing.

"This must be a party to which few are invited," said an amused voice. Rain spun to face a pleasant-looking man about their age. No one had heard his approach; they'd been too busy laughing like careless children. She felt Remus put his hand on her shoulder.

"Will!" said Sirius, sitting up. "Meet my two dearest friends, Remus Lupin and Rain McGonagall. Kids, this is Will Stanton, the Lady's nephew-in-law."

"Really?" Looking intrigued, Remus stepped forward and extended his hand. "It's a pleasure. We used to know Jules."

Stanton nodded. "She was quite pleased to see Mr. Black again."

"I'll bet," Remus said, flicking a glance at his best friend.

Sirius seemed to interpret it correctly, even if Rain couldn't, for he stood up hastily. "Well, it seems my work in this little bit of England is done, Will. Thanks for letting me use the house while I was looking for Harry--"

"Mischief managed," Remus murmured dryly.

"--and I'll be heading back to Hogwarts briefly. Fancy a trip by broom, Rainstorm?"

Caught off guard, Rain stared at him a moment before shaking her head. The very thought alarmed her; what would Remus think of that? She glanced over at him and imagined that the barest flicker of disappointment crossed his face before he said, "Go on, Rain. I don't mind."

He didn't mind? "No," she said, rather too firmly. "No, I'm afraid I left far too much back at the Leaky Cauldron. Besides, we're meant to be meeting with Arthur Weasley. Thank you, though, Sirius."

He shrugged, apparently unaffected. "Ah well. Remus, I was to give you this." He held out a small, flat box. "Dumbledore reckoned you'd need it before start of school. Oh, and there's a message, too. Buggered if I--hmm." He patted at the pockets of his robe. "Have I lost it? Ah!" He pulled out a rolled parchment and extended it to Remus. "Dumbledore says you'll know if this is needed."

Remus stared at him. "It's a bloody good thing you didn't lose this. Do you know what it is?"

Sirius looked at him solemnly for a moment, then grinned. "And I always thought Peter was the gullible one."

Remus rolled his eyes and cuffed Sirius on the shoulder, but he was smiling. "Be careful, Padfoot," he admonished him, and for a rare moment the old warmth between them flared. Then Sirius shrugged and turned to Will, who had been standing with his hands in his pockets, watching.

"Well, old chap, looks as though it's just us. I'll come up to the house and take my leave of Lady Greythorne, if I may."

Stanton nodded. "Lovely to have met you," he said, smiling at Rain and Remus. Then he and Sirius turned and disappeared down a small shadowed footpath.

"Good lord," said Remus a minute later. "He's exhausting. And he had me come out to meet him for a little box?" But he sounded more amused than exasperated. Rain noticed that he had already tucked the rolled parchment into his pocket, but was staring down at the box, turning it over and over in his hands.

"I suppose we might as well try to catch a bus back to town," she said, pushing down her curiosity.

Remus nodded and put the box in his pocket. He stuck an elbow out at her. Giggling, Rain put her hand through it and they headed back through the gate and into town.

She studied him as they walked. He was still as handsome as ever, but he seemed even more tired than he had been as a boy. The lines on his face made him seem wise--and he had always had always seemed wiser than other people their age--and the lines by his eyes spoke of a man who knew how to laugh. They were made harsher by the light of the moon that was rising ahead of them. She had always liked the strands of grey in his hair, too. Altogether his looks had made him more intriguing than his peers; even in school he had held a mystery that had intrigued her, begging her to solve it, or at least share in it.

Moonlight. She glanced up.

"Only three-quarters," Remus said quietly, not looking up.

She drew in a quick breath. Had he seen her watching him? Her heart sped up.

"We've been through a bit of hardship, haven't we, Rain?" he said, a strange undercurrent in his thoughtful voice.

"I suppose we have," she agreed; her own voice sounded strange to her.

"Do you remember what Dumbledore said, about drawing strength from one another in difficult times?" The undercurrent was gaining in strength.

"Oh, yes," she breathed. And what came after. Love was their strongest weapon...

Remus stopped walking and faced her. "I must be mad," he whispered.

And he kissed her.

Rain held her breath, feeling her skin tingle. He put his hands on either side of her face, cradling her as gently as a flower. Her eyes fluttered closed and she kissed him back, trying to convey how much she had missed him. Then, to her horror, she felt tears trickling down her cheeks. They must have touched his hands, for he pulled back and looked at her questioningly. And before she could frame a sentence, an explanation, a simple 'I love you'--down came the guards on his heart. His eyes withdrew and he turned away. "I'm sorry."

He was walking away from her. He was actually going to walk away again. "Sorry for what?" she asked, and he stopped as he heard the anger in her voice. He didn't answer. She took a step closer.

"Why are you sorry, Remus?"

His shoulders slumped and he looked at the ground.

"You're sorry for kissing me? You're sorry for abandoning me fourteen years ago? What is it exactly that you're sorry for? Are you just sorry about our whole stupid relationship? Wish you'd never been friends with any of us?"

That got his attention, as she had known it would. His head snapped up, but still he didn't turn.

"I remember how merciless James and Sirius could be. Only little Peter ever stuck up for you when they started in trying to tease the truth out of you about your monthly disappearances and whether it was true that you had a hopeless crush on Lily. He always changed the subject, directed their attention to persecuting Severus, something. Peter admired you, looked up to you. Oh, is that it? You're sorry you didn't recognize him as a traitor?"

That was a hit below the belt and she knew it. The words had come pouring out of her mouth before she knew what she was saying. Sirius had had good reason for nicknaming her Rainstorm. She took a deep breath and waited, lips parted, for Remus' retort.

He spun to face her. "We were all Peter's friends," he said, his voice remarkably mild. Only the heaving of his chest gave his anger away. "You were always remarkably patient, even kind, with him. He liked you, Rain."

"And I liked him," she said frankly, wondering what she had started. Oh she hadn't, she hadn't, meant to bring up the Betrayal! "Remus, I'm sorry--It doesn't change what he did, but neither does it make us complicit in his betrayal." She wished desperately that she could erase all her words.

"I never wanted Lily," he said, his tone losing some of its mildness. She was grateful that he went back to that topic. "You were the only bloody idiot who never saw that, Rain. Even Peter knew better." Okay, maybe they should talk about Peter instead of her.

"I never noticed," she confessed.

"Why the bloody hell should you?" he asked bitterly. "You were too damn wrapped up in Sirius to even care!"

"We're all a bit stupid when we're young, aren't we?" she retorted. "Are you going to hold it against me for the rest of my life?"

"I'm thinking about it!" he howled. Rain drew back, shocked. "Why?" she shot back. "Why does Sirius get a second chance, but not me?"

He turned away again. "Don't you even see how he looks at you?"

Rain blinked. There were too many twists in this argument for her to follow. "What?"

"Sirius. He asks about you in his letters, kisses you, invites you to fly with him to Hogwarts." Oh, that was definitely jealousy in his voice. Very sullen jealousy. Realization hit her like a ton of bricks.

"What?" she asked, almost laughing.

"It isn't funny," Remus said tightly. "He looks at you."

"Remus, who cares?" He glanced back at her as if unconvinced. "I hadn't noticed," she continued. "Sirius is just--well, just Sirius."

"I'm sure you'll be very happy together."

"I'm not in love with Sirius!" she shouted at him, losing her temper again.

"Then what is it?" Remus' voice was impatient.

"You, Remus! You!" She felt tears--of anger, this time--spill over. "I have lived on the hope that someday you would come back to me. And then the days became weeks, the weeks became months, and even now, after fourteen years, when I am this--how dare you come to me now? But no, even now, I still had to go to you!" she snapped. Her anger was pulsing at her like a tide. She pushed past him and began marching towards town.

Behind her there was only silence. She cursed herself with every step, wishing she had never brought it up, wishing she had agreed to fly back to Hogwarts with Sirius, wishing she had never come back to Hogwarts in the first place. Better to die an old maid, never knowing, than to face this rejection. She kept walking, willing her feet not to slow. After what felt like an eternity of twenty-two paces, she heard pounding feet behind her.

"Rain! Rain." His hand entered her vision, hesitated before it touched her. She took another step. "Rain!" He grasped her wrist lightly, just enough to get her attention, without forcing her to stop.

She stopped. The hand moved from her wrist to touch her face. After a moment she looked up. His eyes were on her, very wide. The moonlight traced a single glistening line down one cheek. He looked like a lost little boy who had just spotted the warm lights of home, but was not yet free of the fear of being alone in the dark.

And then she did what she had wanted to--what she should have done--when she first saw him in her office. She put her arms around him and pulled him close. As she closed her eyes, feeling tears on her face again, Remus buried his face in her hair and held her tightly.

"I wanted so badly to come back to you," Remus whispered, when he felt his courage had returned from the cold dark place she had shoved it with her anger. "But with all the rest of them gone...and you were the Lady of Heatherhall. How could a common werewolf even hope to win you?"

There was silence for a moment. "You are anything but common," she murmured, and laughed. Then she sighed. "I was really hurt when you didn't come back," she said in a low voice, sending a pang of guilt through him. "I wondered if I'd made you angry somehow, if I'd just read too much into your friendly attention, if you were just trying to help me get over losing Esme." She paused. "I even--" Her voice broke and she coughed.

"Go on," he whispered, wondering if he really wanted her to. Every word was crucifying his conscience.

"I even wondered if you thought, because I'd always liked Sirius, that I helped--"

"No!" he cried, feeling a wash of horror. "Oh, forgive me, Rain! I never thought that. If I had known you felt that way--"

"What, Remus? You wouldn't have come back, would you?" But her words lacked the bite of her earlier anger. Now she just sounded weary, and so sad.

He sighed. "I would have written to you," he said feebly, but they both knew it wasn't enough. "I--I don't know if I can explain it, Rain. After Lily and James--and I had just lost nearly everything that mattered to me, all in one horrible night. A night when I was out of control and could be no help to anyone. Thinking that I'd been so horribly wrong about Sirius...and I'd imagined your heart would be broken by his betrayal. I--" He withdrew one arm from around her and scrubbed his hand through his hair. "I just wanted to stick my head in the gas oven. I hadn't suspected Sirius, I hadn't been able to save them--I was a damned werewolf, for heaven's sake! I believed God must hate me, that I truly was cursed. I couldn't protect the people I loved, I couldn't even hold down a job! How do you offer that to a fine lady?"

She didn't answer right away. Instead she tightened her arms around him and turned her face up to his. When he was breathless from her kiss, she drew away and said, "You don't offer that, Remus. You offer yourself."

~*~

When they got back to the Leaky Cauldron, Rain asked Tom to send tea up to her room, but when she would have drawn Remus in, he declined. "Now that we--well," he said, blushing. "After we...er, after all that, I won't do anything to--to tarnish your reputation. Lady McGonagall."

She gave him an appraising look, and he grinned.

"Oh, quit being so charming," she said, pretending to be cross. She kissed his cheek. "Good night, then, Professor Lupin," she whispered.

His resolve wavered ever so slightly. "Good night, Professor Rain," he replied.

He awoke late in the night and lay there wondering what had disturbed his sleep. After a moment the room lit up and he heard a crash and rumble as though the roof was about to fall in. At the thunder, he relaxed; wild nights were his glory. The wind splattered raindrops against the window. He let his eyes drift half shut and took slow, even breaths, filling all his senses with the storm.

Once disturbed, though, sleep was a long way off. Finally he got out of bed and walked to the glass door that opened onto the deep balcony his room shared with Rain's. Looking out, he saw her standing on the balcony, watching as the storm lit up the sky over Diagon Alley.

She had said she loved him. He sighed with contentment and leaned against the wall, watching her laugh as the spray hit her face. He couldn't even work up any guilt over stealing Sirius' girl. Rain loved him.

Half an hour later, as the storm waned, she yawned and pulled her dressing gown closer around her. When she turned and went back into her room, Remus took himself sleepily back to his own bed. He drifted back into pleasant dreams, with the soft growl of thunder echoing in his ears.

~*~

Elsewhere in the storm, Severus Snape knelt in the mud while driving rain plastered his cloak and hair to his body. He gazed at the man before him in equal parts loathing and scorn.

"You'll make a mistake sooner or later, Lucius," he hissed, managing to make himself heard through the thunder. "And when you do, I'll witness it, ready to step into your shoes."

Lucius smiled grimly. "Don't worry, Severus. I am already preparing your way."

Very likely true, Snape thought sourly. And probably that way lay madness, unless he got lucky and it was only the grave. He shivered slightly and hid it with a shrug. "You were remarkably careless with your son's life," he said. "I expect a certain amount of ruthless cunning from you, Lucius, but it would be terribly inconvenient if you lost Draco somehow."

His adversary's eyes flashed ice at him--odd, how they were so much like Draco's, but so very shallow. "Don't threaten me unless you can make good on it, Professor," Lucius bit out.

"Oh, it wasn't a threat," Snape replied idly. "I don't bother with threatening people." Besides students, that is.

Lucius held his gaze for a long moment, then turned away. "This new professor," he said, as if he had only just thought of it--though Malfoys never spoke the first thing that came into their heads. "I believe you knew her from before?"

"She was Lily's friend," Snape admitted, hating to tell even that sophist truth about Rain.

"Useless to us, then," Lucius said, waving his hand in dismissal.

"Not necessarily." Severus swallowed, wondering if Dumbledore's faith in him was misplaced. He was getting too old for this sort of subterfuge.

Malfoy had turned back to him. "What are you suggesting, Severus? I'm listening." He was listening, Snape noticed, with his fingers flexing on his wand. Almost as if he were waiting to curse him.

And so, knowing it may be the only way to save Katraina, and was likely the best way to hurt her badly, hating himself the while, Snape told him. He unlocked the memories, the feelings, of a forbidden yesterday, and he spilled all of her secrets, those he knew and those he only surmised, onto Lord Voldemort's altar, laying it down before the fallen avenging angel of Lucius Malfoy.

Hating him the while.