Timber!: The Fall of Slytherin

'Tis very lonely, being a tree. It's even worse when you used to be one of the greatest wizards of all time. I am Salazar Slytherin, nowadays known not-so-fondly as Hogwarts' own 'Whomping Willow'. The indignity that I find myself facing everyday is nigh unbearable, yet I prevail. As the most powerful, smartest, and best looking (when I was human) of the Founders Four, I feel it is my duty to tell the tale of Hogwarts and, more importantly, the story of my becoming a tree.

Godric, Helga, Rowena, and myself were once great friends. In fact, we got together every Thursday to play Gobstones. After a while, Mrs. Gryffindor (actually, I believe her name was Alice) told Godric that he needed a real job, or she would leave him. At the time, he worked at a broom shop in the twig-trimming department. This was also a time when young witches and wizards were finding out about their powers without proper training. Man, that was a mess! You wouldn't believe how many floods there were from kids trying to take the easy way out of doing the dishes. Yikes. Anyway, Rowena (with a little help from yours truly) suggested starting a school for the magical brats. So we did. If you don't know how the rest of this part of the story goes (the whole hat thing and all that), you've got a bit of reading to do.

After a few years, everything fell apart. The payment for the land was due and I was broke, so I did what anyone else would do. I told the other three that I hated them all because they weren't selective enough and got ready to leave. When I realized that the others would find me, I did something drastic. I turned myself into a seed that, when planted in this really sweet chamber I built, would regenerate me. It would have worked had they not planted me outside the school. Stupid magical landscapers.

So, they put me over a secret passageway to keep kids from finding out that one student was a werewolf. Yeah, that worked. After that couple of years, I lived a pretty easy life. No one really bothered me, except for a few pesky bluebirds. Then, around '92 I think, a couple of second year runts plowed an old beater car right into me! Needless to say, I was quite distraught and proceeded to pummel the little brats. Sadly, they got away before they were seriously maimed. The next year, those same runts snuck into the passageway, but this time, they had animals and other people with them. The animals looked vaguely familiar...It was all quite rude.

My life stayed fairly quiet after that incident. Now there's a great war being waged, with casualties felt by everyone. Being stationary, I can't fight. I could probably call up my friend Treebeard to help fight. He's mobile. And he has battle experience. Kinda.

Well, that is an abbreviated account of my life. My story is one that needs to be shared. I get lonely, and I wouldn't mind visitors, by instead of freezing me, just bring me something. Really, I wouldn't hit anyone if they would just bake me a pie or possibly even a soufflé. I'm really not a bad guy (tree). Well, except for that whole basilisk thing, but that seems fairly moot, don't you think? Now, I must get back to my quiet life as a tree. 'Tis very lonely, being a tree...