Harry Potter, Blue's Clues Style

"Uhh...Professor?" Harry asked timidly, approaching the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teaher.

Steve looked around for a moment, befuddled, then turned back to Harry. "Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah...I was just wondering...well, it's been a week, and you still haven't taught us anything."

"Oh...what am I supposed to teach you?"

"To defend ourselves against the dark arts."

"Right then," Steve said, standing up. "Excuse me everyone...ladies and gentlemen...everybody shutup!" He finally yelled. The class looked at him. "Now, it's come to my attention that since I am a teacher, I should be teaching you something. This boy here," he said pointing at Harry, "er...what's your name?" he whispered.

"Harry."

"Right, yes, young Harry here has informed me that I should be instructing you on how to defend yourselves against the dark arts. Now I'm not entirely sure what this 'dark arts' business is all about, but I can teach you to defend yourselves. Now, can anyone tell me, what's the first thing you do if someone trys to attack you?"

A boy with red hair and freckles raised his hand.

"Yes?" Steve asked.

"Pull out your wand and try to stun them?" The boy answered questioningly.

"I would have said scream and run away, but I guess that works. Now, has anyone here ever taken kick boxing or karate lessons?"

The class remained silent.

"No? Well then I guess I have my work cut out for me! Okay...why don't you all pair up, and we'll try this little excercise.

_______________________________________________________________

"Damn it, Potter! Could you try not to kick so hard?"

"So sorry Malfoy, I'm just trying to practice our lesson like the professor said."

"Oh, well in that case..." Draco kicked Harry hard in the shin.

"Ouch! Why did you have to be the only person in this entire class without a partner?" Harry whined, kicking him savagely in the stomach.

"I could ask the same thing, you know," Draco gasped as he lie on his back.

Suddenly an owl flew into the room and dropped a letter on Steve's desk. He looked at it for a moment, before a deep voice from out of nowhere began to sing, "Mail time....mail time....mail time...MAIL TIME!"

Steve jumped onto the desk and began to swing his arms around in that crazy little dance that only Steve can do, "Here's the mail,it never fails,it makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna wail MAIL!" He finished,shaking his arms around wildly.

The class blinked a couple of times before they all slowly pushed their chairs out and moved to the back of the room, far, far away from Steve.

He cleared his throat and went on as if nothing had happened,"Alright class, that'll do it for today. Keep practicing those kicks. Next time I'll be teaching you how to punch!"

"Oh, I just can't wait," Draco muttered sarcastically.

"But Professor," Hermione interrupted. "There's still 20 minutes left...ow!" She yelled as Ron kicked her.

She took the hint and they all left the room.

____________________________________________________________________

"El camino, El camino..."

"Brad! I said no more!" Joe yelled angrily.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

A minute later he began to sing again, but more quietly. "El camino, El camino..."

"What did I just say? Now I don't want to hear that song coming from you again!"

Brad pouted and proceeded to hum the tune in defiance. Fred soon began to sing along to his humming. "El camino, El camino," Bob joined in, "El camino, El camino..." and then Brad was singing again, "El camino, El camino,"

Joe screamed in frustration and whipped out a spray bottle filled with ice cold water.

"El camino, El camino...ahhhh cold!" They all screamed and pushed themselves toward the opposite end of the car.

"Bad, very bad! No more song!" Joe said menacingly and gave them one last spray. "I knew this would came in handy," he mutterd, tucking the bottle safely back under his seat.

"Hey look, we're here!" Fred exclaimed an hour later as they pulled up in front of a large building that resembled a prison.

All four of them marched in through the front door and up to the information desk.

"Can I help you?" the woman behind the desk asked.

"Yes, we're here to see Steve Blue." Fred said importantly

"Are you his family?"

They looked at each other.

"Yes," Fred answered slowly.

"Are you lieing to me?"

"No." she answered just as slowly.

"Very well then, follow me."

She led them through a series of hallways until they came to the very end of one of them.

"This is his room," the woman said, pointing to the last door on the right. "I must warn you though, he has been acting extremely confused and paranoid ever since he arrived. Try not to talk too loudy, it might scare him, and don't ever look him straight in the eye, it makes him feel threatened."

"Uhhhh...k. Thanks."

The woman walked away and they stepped through he door.

"Your Holyness," Brad said, bowing at the foot of the bed.

Fred pulled him up. "We aren't in Tibet!"

"Have you seen every one of my movies?"

"No, but I'm working on it."

"Hey, you're not Steve!" Joe suddenly yelled, waking the man in the bed.

"Oh, sweet Jesus, thank you sir!" Eric yelled and hugged Joe tightly.

"What? Why?"

"Everyone keeps calling me Steve, but I'm not Steve, and I'm not supposed to be here!" The man cried.

"Who are you then?" Bob asked, now very confused.

"Eric Wildmen. I was on my way to teach at Hogwarts..." he paused, looking at them suspiciously.

"It's okay, we're your kind," Fred assured him, pulling out her wand.

"Okay...well like I said, I accepted a position at Hogwarts. The last thing I remember is being on the plane, and the man sitting next to me punching me and...oh God, pretzels everywhere!" he sobbed, turning and burying his head in Brad's shoulder. He patted him awkwardly on the back.

"You two must have got switched around...so that means that Steve is at Hogwarts! But why would Steve go to Hogwarts? And wouldn't they notice he wasn't the new professor?" Fred mused.

Bob turned to Eric. "Do you know how to get to Hogwarts?"

He nodded.

"Then I guess you're coming with us."

"There might be a small problem with that. They won't let me leave."

"So you can apparate out."

"Damn, I wish I would have thought of that before. Okay, well I'll meet you down there I guess."

With a small pop he was gone.

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"Are we there yet?"

"No," Eric said for the fith time that hour.

"How about now?"

"No."

"...now?"

"NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET, I WILL TELL YOU AS SOON AS WE ARE!"

"Don't mind him, he's just a little excited," Fred said patting Brad on the head.

"El camino, El cami..." he stopped short when he looked at Joe who was waving the spray bottle around menacingly.

"Why does everyone have to pick on my hostage?" Fred whined as she tried to pull the bottle away from Joe.

"Because your hostage has acomplished the task of annoying every single person in this car but you." Joe cried as he fought for control over his only weapon against insanity.

"You just don't understand him. Maybe if you'd talk to him, or at least have a little more patience, he wouldn't get to you like that."

"Yeah," Brad added, sticking his tongue out at Joe.

"Everything was fine until he came along," Joe pouted, glaring at him.

"Hey guess what everybody? We're here!" Eric shouted over all the arguing.

He parked the car behind some trees and they all got out. "Here, everybody put these on," Fred said, throwing a shopping bag at each of them.

"What are these for?"

"They're are costumes!"

"What do we need costumes for?" Joe asked pulling out a white pair of bell bottoms and a matching shirt.

Fred shrugged, "I just thought it would be funny if we burst through the front doors wearing neato seventies spy gear."

"Sweet!" Brad cried as he pulled on a pair of gold bell bottoms similar to Joe's.

"Hey! How come he gets gold? That's favoritism!"

"Fine," Fred sighed, waving her wand at Joe's pants and turning them a gold color.

She turned to Eric as she pulled on her blond afro wig. "Why aren't you changing?"

"You're all a bunch of freaks!" he cried in disbelief as he looked at them all in their flared pants and hippie shirts. Bob had an afro wig as well, only her's was red.

"But you have to put it on! You'll ruin it if we walk in there all vintage and you walk in all...normal," she said with a shudder.

"Give it up, there is no chance in hell that I will ever wear that, so we might as well be on our way," he said, starting to walk up toward the castle.

"Waaaaaait!" She cried and tackled him to the ground.

"Ow!"

"We have to be very careful, it could be boobie-trapped..."

Brad and Joe both started to giggle furiously.

"What's so funny?"

Brad pointed at her, "You said boobie," They both started to giggle again, leaning on each other for support, until they realized what they were doing and jumped back, glaring at each other.

Fred rolled her eyes and turned back to Eric. "I know you're anxious, but we have to proceed with baby steps."

"But..."

"BABY STEPS!"

"Alright fine!"