Harry Potter, Blue's Clues Style

Eric Wildmen had just returned to conciousness in a state of panic, having no idea where he was. A kind looking old lady in a nurse's uniform approached him cautiously. "Is there something you need, dear?"

"Where am I?"

"Why, you're at the rehab clinic, Mr. Blue."

"Uhhh...first of all, I'm not Mr. Blue, and second, what the hell am I doing in a rehab clinic?"

"You're here because you're an alcoholic."

"No, I'm not."

"The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem, Mr. Blue."

"But see that's the thing, I don't have a problem...and stop calling me that, it's not my name!"

"They said you might be a little confused when you woke up..."

"I'm not confused...well maybe I am...but I know who I am, and my name is not Mr. Blue."

"Here, take these, they'll help you sleep, then we'll get this all sorted out in the morning."

Before he could get another word out she shoved a handful of pills into his mouth, which he swallowed instinctively.

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Steve awoke rather late into the next day with a massive hangover. Fighting the urge to scream in pain as someone knocked loudly on his door, he slowly got up to find that it was an old man in funny clothing.

"Professor Wildmen, Professor Dumbledore has sent me to tell you that we need you down at the great hall now, the students will soon be arriving."

"Right...I'll be there in a short while."

An hour later Steve stumbled up the steps and into the great hall to find over a hundred people staring at him. "Ah, and speaking of our new addition, students, I would like you all to meet Professor Eric Wildmen, your new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher," Dumbledore said as Steve approached him. "Please take your seat," he said, pointing to the chair next to him.

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"Bob, don't you think it's a bit wrong that we're skipping school to watch Blue's Clues?" A tall girl with blond hair asked her friend.

"Not at all Fred, I mean, it is a learning experience," the other girl reasoned.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that. So what kind of big words do you think Steve will use today?"

"I don't know...shh, it's starting."

"Hi kids! I'm Joe, Steve's younger brother. Steve had to go away to college, so I'm going to be taking care of Blue from now on..."

"What the Hell is this?" Bob asked in shock.

"Steve? What happened to Steve? Nooooooo! I lost the happy again!" Fred yelled, then immediatly threw herself on the floor, curled up in a fetal position, and began twitching uncontrollably.

Bob kicked her. "Snap out of it...look, we can fix this. We will get Steve back."

Fred stopped twitching and looked up, excitment filling her face. "Do you mean what I think you mean?"

Bob nodded. "Yes, my friend, I'm afraid this looks like a job for..." at this point Fred joined in, "Bob and Fred's detective agency! (copyright 2002 Bob and Fred co.)"

"You know what Bob? I think we should come up with a dance for that little tune."

"And we will do that. But first, we find Steve."

"To the Batmobile!" Fred shouted, pointing toward the door.

"We have a batmobile?"

"Err...no. But we do have a really cool el camino! We need a name for it though."

"How about the Blue Mango?"

"Sounds peachy to me. Right, lets try this again. To the Blue Mango!"

With that they ran out the door.

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Joe was making his way to the bathroom, trying to make sure he was as happy as possible, when he came across two teenage girls in pink ski masks. Before he could say anything they shoved him into a nearby broom closet. "Alright now, out with it! Where did Steve really go?" The taller one asked in a menacing tone.

"He...he..he went to a rehab clinic, in the U.K....hey, how did you get in here?"

"We don't know. Well we have all the information we need, we'd better get going. Fred,I think we should fill up the gas tank, we're gonna have to travel the whole way across the Atlantic."

They turned around to leave. "Wait, don't go!" Joe suddenly yelled.

"What is it? What do you want?"

"Can I go with you?"

The two girls looked at each other. "Think he might be useful?" The shorter one finally asked.

"Probably not...but he is kinda cute."

"It's settled then. Joe, you can come with us."

"Yeah...and sorry about pushing you earlier, we didn't even get a chance to introduce ourselves. I'm Fred, and this is my friend Bob," the taller one explained.

"Thank you so much! You don't know how desperate I am to escape!"

"What do you mean escape? Do they keep you locked up?" Fred asked.

"No, they attached a taser to the inside of my pants...you see that man over there?" He said, opening the door a crack and pointing.

They nodded.

"He has the remote control."

"Don't worry, we'll handle him. In the meantime, I want you to run as fast as you can toward the exit. Once you make it outside, you need to get to the parking lot and find an el camino, he goes by the name 'Blue Mango'. Wait for us there."

Joe nodded and slipped out the door. Bob turned to her friend. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yea pretty much. Come on, we better hurry."

They crept up behind the man and jumped on him, sending him crashing to the floor. Fred immediatly kicked the remote control across the room and proceeded to stomp on it. She giggled to herself. "If only the Snicker's people coulda seen that crunch."

"Now what?" Bob cried, elbowing the man in the back.

"Run away!"

The made it out to the parking lot to find Joe already in the driver's seat. They scrambled into the car and sped away.

Fred was the first to break the silence. "I wanna drive."

As she climbed into the driver's seat, she gave an evil laugh. "Now that I'm in control, we're going to make a quick stop along the way."

Several hours later they pulled up to a large mansion in a neighborhood filled with movie stars. Fred grabbed her ski mask and jumped out. She turned to face Bob and Joe. "If I'm not out in ten minutes," she checked her watch, "just wait longer, because I'm really not all that good at shaving."

An hour later Fred emerged from the house arm in arm with a very familiar man.

"Uhhh...Fred?"

"Yes Bob?"

"Why do you have Brad Pitt?"

"Do I really need a reason?"

"No, I guess not. But didn't he have a beard?"

"Yeah, that kind of annoyed me, so I shaved it off."

"I'm still a bit confused. Are we kidnapping him?"

"I'd like to say no, since he's coming with us by his own free will, but technically there was a ransome note."

Brad giggled. "Yeah, I wrote it myself."

"You dunces! Now the cops will be after us."

"Correction...the cops will be after 'Dr. Evil'," he said proudly.

She stared at him. "And that's the best you could come up with?"

"Hey, I didn't have alot of time! And it's hard to think when you're being shaved!"

"Fred, how did you get him to come with us willingly?"

"Oh, it wasn't that hard. I promised him he could sing his little el camino song."

"Ok. Just one more question, then."

"What?"

"How are we going to fit four people in a two seat car?"

"Bob, I'm ashamed of you! Honestly, you need to stop thinking like a muggle."

Fred whipped out her wand and muttered something under her breath. "There...I think it worked."

The inside of the car was now big enough for four people. They all jumped in.

"Now finally we're going to go get Steve."

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ROCK! I mean..uhh.. END OF CHAPTER!!! Anyone remember that show on mtv called sifle and olley? ya it was spiffy. Anywho, Bob and I would like to thank you all for the reviews, really you are all too kind. We solemly swear that we are up to no good...at least where this story is concerned anyway. Future chapters will get stranger, which is good I guess, depending on your sense of humor. Well buh byes for now.