Boys on the Radio

Chapter Seventeen

Miles and miles of perfect sin

I swear, I do, I fit right in.

I fit right in your perfect skin

I cannot breathe.

Harry could not believe they were not even half way through the year and they had found themselves riding on the Hogwarts Express once again. The journey had only just begun, and there was truly much tension going on. When people passed by Harry, they often stared. Some actually spoke to him. They were always words of kindness at first but they would often ask him questions he would rather not answer such as why he had disappeared in the first place. However, many assumed he and the 'changed' Draco Malfoy had done something heroic and Hogwarts had simply the encore. It had to do with the way The Daily Prophet was painting them at the moment.

Harry was sitting with Draco in a compartment. There was absolutely no reason for them not to hang out at school anymore. Besides all that, most of his former Slytherin friends were very against him now. Draco was mildly concerned about living conditions in the Slytherin house because of this very reason, but Harry himself wasn't too worried.

Harry was not speaking to Hermione and Ron yet. Draco had told him they knew he knew about what happened, but Harry felt too uncomfortable to go talk to them. And they seemed to feel the same way. He wasn't necessarily avoiding them '. It was almost just they had nothing to say. He and Ginny had been hanging out frequently, though.

'So, how different do you think it's going to be'' Harry said to Draco at some point.

'I don't know,' Draco said honestly. He then chuckled a bit. 'How long has it been since we were in class?'

'I dunno, two or three weeks,' Harry said. 'Bloody too bad it wasn't an actual vacation.'

Draco laughed out loud sourly. 'We have the memorial service first thing, right?' he said, as though they were discussing what was for dinner.

'Yeah,' Harry replied. 'And your father is a part of that.'

Draco did not anticipate the scene they arrived to upon leaving the Hogwarts Express. There were reporters and cameras everywhere as he and Harry attempted to find a carriage with Ginny, who had found them along with her friend, Shauna. They were bombarding them and Draco was quite tempted to curse them all to oblivion.

Eventually, the four of them were able to get into a carriage (and the very last people not surprisingly) and the carriages instantly began moving. Draco was severely annoyed at this point. 'What the fuck are they doing here'' Draco swore loudly.

'They're allowed to be here because of the memorial service. Don't worry, it's for one night,' Shauna said, smiling at him. Draco had never spoken to this girl before. She had long natural dark hair, dark eyes, and light skin. She wore a smile as though nothing made her happier than to be in the world. This almost irritated Draco. He certainly was not the campiest person around.

Once Draco got out of the carriage, he was once again bombarded with the stupid reporters. Ginny grabbed his arms and was attempting to pull him away while Shauna did the same to Harry. However, the effects of these actions were misleading.

'Harry Potter has found love! And so has Draco Malfoy! Look at the stunningly pretty redhead!' said one reporter, and others said similar. Draco rolled his eyes. He was about to enter the castle when a reporter literally grabbed his elbow.

'Mr. Malfoy, please ' I can offer you the cover of Witch Weekly!' And it was this very comment that made Draco stop in his footsteps.

'Come on, Draco!' Ginny said impatiently.

'Did you hear what this woman just said? Come on in, miss,' Draco said kindly to the reporter.

Once Harry was seated in the Great Hall he looked over at the Slytherin Table but Draco was nowhere to be seen. Harry wondered where he had run off to. Ginny sat next to him, looking annoyed. She sighed deeply.

'What's up? Where'd Draco go?' Harry asked casually.

'To go for a photo shoot!' Ginny said heatedly.

'What?' Harry asked, smiling at the silliness of this. He laughed a bit.

'Witch Weekly decided they wanted to give dear Draco the cover,' Ginny said heatedly and Harry burst into unnatural laughter ' At least unnatural compared to the all the rather melancholy decorations and sadness surrounding him. But Draco would always be Draco.

*****

Draco pulled the reporter and her photographer into the Slytherin common room of all places. He had them wait patiently as he dressed and fixed his hair appropriately. He wanted to look very good looking ' Not that he didn't always automatically, but even he felt he could tweak himself a bit. The reporter seemed happy to wait. When he finally felt he looked nice, he went back down and sat down with the reporter and she took out her Quick-Quotes Quill and almost immediately began talking.

'How are you, Mr. Malfoy'' she began and did not wait for an answer. 'So the media is portraying you as such a hero!'

She gave him a moment to contemplate on that. 'Yes,' Draco responded, realizing the interview could be less fun than he anticipated. 'I quite think so.'

'And how would you feel about this?' she asked.

'I like when people keep their noses in their own business,' Draco said plainly, not impatiently.

'Wouldn't you consider Hogwarts the business of the wizarding community'' the reporter asked.

'Of course, yes! But the media has not reported much, but exploited Harry and I most recently, haven't they?' Draco said intelligently.

The reporter looked a bit taken back. 'So what is the deal with you and Harry Potter''

'We talk. We have to now,' Draco said, choosing his words very carefully. 'Now that I've switched sides and all.'

'Against your father,' the woman said which Draco thought was very bold but he did not show it. Draco felt a spot in his stomach tightening. The murder of his father on his behalf was NOT something he wanted to discuss. But he had a feeling the reporter would die to have the story on his supposed heroics.

'Yeah. Against my father,' Draco repeated with a stern composure to his voice.

'Do you believe the school has opened too soon or are you happy with the on goings'' the reporter asked, obviously realizing the need to change subject.

'I think if Dumbledore said it's fine to start school again, then it is, isn't' It's not as if Dumbledore doesn't know what he is doing,' Draco said, feeling annoyed as such an extraneous questions.

The reporter was quiet for a moment, thinking. 'The nineteen reported death were very tragic. Were any friends of yours'' she finally said, obviously going for a sympathetic topic.

'No, actually,' Draco said flatly. 'Friends of friends at most.'

'Fascinating,' the reporter said, showing it all over her face her lack of questions that would provoke true thought. 'Were you surprised by the actions of Severus Snape?'

'No, I wasn't, not at all. It was always only a matter of time wasn't it' My father had always been very close to him,' Draco said, and he realized he was shaking. He could barely believe he had said that.

He had killed his father.

****

Harry was feeling very uncomfortable as the four Houses proceeded to the outside graveyard for the services in memory of those lost during the siege. Everyone still saw him as the hero, naturally, and felt absolutely uncomfortable at this. And not only that, but Draco was still no where to be found. And Harry was very worried. Was the interview really taking that long'

'Don't worry about him,' Hermione said to him at some point as everyone got seated outside. Dumbledore was the primary speaker but there were also many Ministry officials there. The headstones of those dead during the siege were to the sides of all the seats, surrounding them. There weren't too many burials in the graveyard, just those headmasters who died or anyone who had died in Hogwarts. Of course, one headstone stuck out to Harry. Lucius Malfoy 1956 - 1995. Harry could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stick up. He couldn't believe it. Lucius Malfoy was gone.

Harry became quite pale. He didn't want to be there at that moment, though he knew he knew he should have felt honored. He felt no honor. Somehow he felt shame, embarrassment, and emptiness. He wished he could melt into nothingness.

And then Draco came and sat next to him. He looked paler than normal, and he did not smile at Harry, but barely acknowledged him. The gesture was almost cold. Harry wondered what was the matter with Draco. Had something the reporter done offended Draco' Knowing Draco '.

Harry felt like crying.

He wished Draco would embrace him but then he wished he wouldn't; he wished he would talk to him but then he wished he wouldn't. He wasn't sure what he wanted at that moment. He stared fixedly at Dumbledore for a moment, and then turning away, he noticed the graves of Cho and Seamus. His heart felt as though it had fallen out of his body. He wished to disappear.

Distantly, he heard people speaking, and then Dumbledore. He wished he was paying attention, and though he was hearing words, Harry was making no means of comprehension whatsoever. He felt dreadful.

And then a few words sunk in. 'Cho Chang would have graduated next year ...' It was not Dumbledore speaking. Harry turned and saw who must have been Mr. and Ms. Chang. Both looked horrid and Ms. Chang and Mr. Chang were filled with uncontrollable tears. Cho had been their only daughter. Harry looked away; not being able to bear looking into their eyes.

But Ms. Chang came to him. 'You would have saved her if you could,' she said tearfully. 'You are hero.'

And at this Harry could take it no longer. 'I'M NOT A HERO!' he yelled, and then ran off. He did not look back. He heard murmuring and confusion, but he would deal with the embarrassment later. He was scared to be around everyone. He felt such guilt. He felt like a slithering snake who had evaded confinement. He was definitely no hero.

Harry did not run back to the castle but to the Quidditch Pitch. He was sure all wondered what was wrong with him and he was sure they'd all link it back to his supposed insanity in fourth year or desperate need for attention but he did not care. It was a personal need that forced him to leave. When he finally stopped, running, he was out of breath and fell to his knees. He dropped his body into the dirt and simply faced into the ground.

There was certain bliss about it. He heard no one around and no noises except natural ones. He wasn't looking or observing anything, and for a moment, he had no worries. He was simply relaxing with his face against the dirt and lacking any emotions momentarily at all. Of course, slowly, the moment ceased to exist as he heard footsteps coming at him.

But Harry did not wait. He did not even turn back. He felt no reason to talk or see anyone, and therefore, he lacked the notion to find out who it was. He ran to the broom cupboard, got one of the school brooms, and still not looking who had come to see him, mounted the broom, and flew away.

****

Draco felt like shit. He could never remember feeling so badly. Harry had run off before him of course, and moments later, Draco fled too. He did not follow Harry, finding no need to save Harry again. He felt so incomplete, empty, and lacking all energy to help Harry. He ran to the one place that was so familiar to him; the Slytherin dormitories. There were several people in there as few Slytherins felt any remorse for the victims. After all, some of the Death Eaters were related to them. Then again, many Slytherins were at the ceremony.

Draco began rummaging through his stuff out of almost boredom. He was looking for nothing yet he knew there was something missing. He began throwing all of his stuff around his dormitory violently and as he did it he doubted he'd feel any satisfaction in the end but he did not care. He couldn't stop himself.

And then everything was everywhere ' All around Crabbe and Goyle's stuff and around Greg and Marty's as well. Crabbe and Goyle were both downstairs but they came up immediately at the sound of Draco screaming in fury. When they saw the mess, they looked livid yet very frightened.

'Fuck off before I kill you both!!' Draco raged at them, and he honestly felt that he meant that comment so much. 'I despise you.'

But Draco felt so stupid, standing there in a mess he made like some toddler throwing a tantrum. So embarrassed, he ran off and left the Slytherin dungeons, honestly unsure when he was coming back. He ran through the corridors and a few people tried to stop him here and there but he paid them no attention whatsoever. In the end, he found himself in the library. He buried himself in a chair and put his face in his hands for a moment begging to ignore reality. No one was around, thank God.

Draco spotted some parchment and a quill and ink on a table not far away from him. And he felt compelled to write something though he had no idea why. He knew he wouldn't be able to express himself to anyone, so perhaps he could write it all down. Draco walked over to the table and thought for a while. And then he began to write.

Dear God,

I'm writing this letter to you because I'm such a lost boy aren't I? Do you laugh at me as I lie here hopeless or do you shine a light of hope on me? I see no light; I see no hope for redemption. I am a murderer, God. Will I burn with the rest of the poor bastards in hell? Will I rot even though they say you're a loving God? I'm such a lost boy. No one can help me right now. Will I ever recover' Will anyone understand me' Will Harry be okay'

Will I burn because I love Harry, God? Will you, the God they call loving, damn me because I love Harry? There is such little love in the world God. Why damn it' I've never ever felt this way before. But not even Harry can save me and I sure as hell cannot save him. I am at the lowest point of my life, God. Save me from this world.

Draco Caleb Gabriel Malfoy.

And then Draco dropped his head and slept.

*****

'I can't tell you how nice it is to see you, Harry,' Tom the innkeeper said to Harry as Harry settled into a nice little room at the Leaky Cauldron. 'But you know you shouldn't be here.'

Harry said nothing at first. Tom just smiled at him. Harry fell face first onto the bed and didn't want to get up. He heard the door shut softly, indicating Tom had left. Finally, there was some aura of peace in the atmosphere for him. But Harry could not sleep, though he shut his eyes for several moments.

And he got up and looked at himself in the mirror. He had never seen himself look so tired, so empty, so sad, so dead-like. He couldn't live like this. He felt like he was dying. And then he realized he had no place here. Running away wasn't going to solve any of his problems.

And then Harry made up his mind.

*****

Draco was having a fine time in the village by his old home, drinking like a fish. He knew he needed someone to stop him eventually, but he was not focusing on that thought at all. No one knew it was him yet roaming around, and he was glad of this. He had disguised himself well.

'Be careful with that, chap,' said a drug dealer who definitely did not care. Draco had just bought some ecstasy. He had always promised himself never to get into the club drugs, the crazy shit that it provoked. He felt very guilty already, but he was trying very hard to not care at all. Securing the pills safely in his pocket, he headed over to one of the dance clubs.

Draco was pretty surprised at first that the little district was still running after his father's death. But he knew his mother had just picked it up again. It made the Malfoy family so much money. But thinking about his mother was not a good idea '. No, he would leave her for another time, or hopefully never again. He was going to dance, be free, and let go of all emotion for a few happy hours and nothing was going to stop him.

As Draco entered the club, he heard the blazing music and saw the craziness of the dancers, the shining lights, the drinking, the partying, the drugs, and the entire atmosphere. The area was packed. This was good, as Draco would not stand out. Before anything, however, Draco had something to do. He slid off to the nearest bathroom.

Draco took out the Ziploc bag he had the pill in as he stood in the stall. This was it ... Peace, happiness, relaxation ... It was going to be great. Draco closed his eyes as he swallowed the pill right down. Draco was ready for some good times.