Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Parody

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Parody Stone

By Black Rosebudd

INT: SOME DARK STREET IN THE WILDS OF SUBURBIA

STRANGE OLD MAN:

*walks down street in robes and pointy hat*

CAT:

*watches Strange Old Man*

S.O.M.:

*magically puts out a streetlight*

CAT:

*still watching*

S.O.M.:

*continues magically putting out streetlights. This works with all but one, which appears to be immune to magic*

LONE LAMP:

Ha-ha! I am immune to magic!

S.O.M.:

But not to rocks! *throws rock* Take that, punk!

LAMP:

*breaks*

CAT:

*still watching*

S.O.M.:

Ah, hello kitty! Who's a good little Japanese cartoon today?

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Man, that was both L A M E and Obscure. And completely not funny.

AUTHOR:

Who asked you to commentate?

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

...

~

CAT:

Get bent. *transforms into Strange Old Lady*. So, Dumbledore, is it true?

1/2 THE AUDIENCE:

Is what true?

BOOK FANS:

*gasp* Sacrilege!

DUMBLEDORE:

Yes, it is, Professor McGonagall. Hagrid is bringing him here now.

McGONAGALL:

Is that wise?

DUMBLEDORE:

I trust Hagrid with my life.

McGONAGALL:

Yes, but you keep almost dying.

DUMBLEDORE:

...

ON CUE: *ONE GIANT LOUD FLYING MOTORBIKE ARRIVES*

1/2 THE AUDIENCE:

Why is no-one waking up?

OTHER HALF OF AUDIENCE

Ssssh! Magic!

~

AUTHOR:

*sigh* Sirius Black's Sexy Flying Motorbike! *swoons*

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

*retches*

~

HAGRID:

'Ere 'e is, Dumbledore sir! Mighta sat on 'im at one point tho...

DUMBLEDORE:

Ah, Hagrid, that's alright! Now, this tiny baby is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT WIZARD EVER! Therefore, we're going to show our appreciation for his saving our sorry behinds, by abandoning him to a life of misery and emotional abuse!

HAGRID:

*starts sobbing*

1/2 THE AUDIENCE:

Surely the neighbours will hear that!

OTHER HALF OF AUDIENCE

SHHH! MAGIC!

McGONAGALL:

Well, I guess that's it then.

DUMBLEDORE:

No, not quite.

McGONAGALL:

So what happens now?

DUMBLEDORE:

I offer everybody a sherbet lemon.

McGONAGALL:

...

~

AUTHOR:

*skips ahead ten years*

~

INT: DARK, DEPRESSING CUPBOARD OF MAGICAL REPRESSION

AUNT PETUNIA:

Get up, filth!

HARRY:

I'm already up! Geez, woman, I sleep in a cupboard under the stairs - there's no room to lie down!

DUDLEY:

It's my birthday! Despite being so stupid that a sea cucumber scores higher on an IQ test, I will show off my hidden talent for arithmetic by calculating exactly how much less my parents spent on me this year, and throw a tantrum till they buy me more things. This makes me totally repulsive! *counts, then throws tantrum*

UNCLE VERNON:

Boy, you have to come with us to the zoo, since your weird baby sitter bailed on us.

HARRY:

Score! I get to leave the house!

INT: SNAKE ENCLOSURE OF ODDNESS AND PARANORMAL HAPPENINGS, THE ZOO

HARRY:

Hi, snake.

SNAKE:

Hi, boy.

HARRY:

Whaddup?

SNAKE:

Don't you find it at all odd, talking to a snake, and hearing it reply?

HARRY:

...Nope.

CRAZY SHENANIGANS:

*begin*

DUDLEY:

*ends up behind glass*

HARRY:

*gets punished* Dude, not cool.

POST:

*arrives*

HARRY:

*gets a letter*

UNCLE VERNON:

*takes it away*

HARRY:

*gets another letter*

UNCLE VERNON:

*takes it away*

HARRY:

*gets 10,000 letters*

UNCLE VERNON:

*kidnaps family to middle of nowhere*

INT: MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, MIDDLE OF NIGHT

HARRY:

Happy birthday to me! Yay, time to eat my all natural mud cake!

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Lousy, just lousy.

AUTHOR:

Shuddup.

~

HAGRID:

*breaks and enters, insults Dursleys, gives Dudley a tail*

HARRY:

Dude, so cool.

HAGRID:

'Arry, yer a wizard.

HARRY:

...

HAGRID:

Yeh know, a wizard! Abracadabra, alla peanut butter sandwiches...?

HARRY:

...

HAGRID:

Lord, let's jus' go get yer school things.

INT: STREET FULL OF FREAKS DIAGON ALLEY - GRINGOTTS WIZARD BANK

HAGRID:

Firs', we'll go get yer $$$.

HARRY:

I have $$$?!?!?! Sweeeeeeeet.

GOBLIN:

I can't let you in without a key.

HARRY:

I don't have a key.

GOBLIN:

What the hell, in you go!

HARRY:

Dude, you rock.

HAGRID:

I need the You-Know-What in vault You-Know-Which, fer You-Know-Who!

GOBLIN:

Voldemort!?

HAGRID:

No! Dumbledore!

GOBLIN:

Geez, vague it up a little more, why don't you?

HAGRID:

Well, I can if yeh'd all like.

EVERYONE:

NO!!!!

GOBLIN:

So, how come Dumbledore sent the Groundskeeper to pick T H I S most important P L O T P O I N T up for him?

HAGRID:

Dumbledore trusts me with his life!

GOBLIN:

So that's why he keeps almost dying!

HAGRID:

...

EXT: WIZARD BANK

HAGRID:

And now we get yer wand!

INT: FREAKY WAND SHOP

MR. OLLIVANDER:

Yes, I know who you are! Quite apart from the fact that everybody knows who you are, I was once an elephant! Yes, that's right! I was transfigured into the freaky old man standing before you! That's why I never forget anything! I also know E X A C T L Y which wand you'll need, but because I want to drag my screen time out as much as possible, I'll be a complete c r e t i n, and make you try EVERY OTHER WAND FIRST!!!!!

HARRY:

Wow! How do you know which is my wand? Do you have a magical sixth sense? Does it also allow you to talk to dead people?

MR OLLIVANDER:

No, you're wand is over there, in the glass display case, under the spotlight and the neon sign reading 'Harry Potter's Wand'.

EXT: FREAKY WAND SHOP

HAGRID:

Now I'll get yer birthday present! 'Ave an owl!

HARRY:

Thanks! My first ever friend! I shall call you...Snowy!

HEDWIG:

Oh, how original. My name is H E D W I G, four eyes! Read the tag!

HAGRID:

A'right 'Arry. Even though today is the firs' of August, an school don' start until the firs' o' September, I'm goin' to leave you to board the school train on yer own, which you must do, right now.

HARRY:

Um....ok.....

HAGRID:

An' it's on a magical platform, but I'm not goin' to tell you how to get on it, a'right?

HARRY:

Thanks....that's....helpful.....

1/2 THE AUDIENCE:

How'd he suddenly get all his luggage and stuff?

OTHER HALF OF AUDIENCE

OMGSHUT UP!!!! IT'S FREAKING MAGIC,OK???

INT: ASSORTED WEASLEYS

HARRY:

Hmm ... Many wizards would like nothing better than to see me well and truly dead. I think it'd be a good idea for me to go talk to strangers - that lady commanding an army of redheads should do!

MRS. WEASLEY:

To get to Platform 9 3/4, you have to smash your head against that brick wall.

HARRY:

Ok, so you're from the I-Hate-Harry Camp?

MRS. WEASLEY

No, dear, I was being serious.

HARRY:

*smashes head*

MRS. WEASLEY:

Good Boy! As a reward for your obedience, you can have another friend! Here, take my youngest son!

HARRY:

*sniff* I am so blessed!

INT: MAGICAL TRAIN OF MAGICALNESS

~

AUTHOR:

Let me cut this short...

~

RON WEASLEY:

I am gullible. Despite living my whole life with my brothers, I still believe everything they say.

HERMIONE GRANGER:

I'm annoyingly clever. I'm also Ron's future love interest.

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Back off, whore!

AUTHOR:

...

~

DRACO MALFOY:

I am evil. My goons are evil also.

GOONS:

And stupid. Ug.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:

I'm almost talentless. Until I become a P L O T P O I N T in book five, and then I get a chance to wreak my Squibby Vengeance!

PETER PETTIGREW SCABBERS THE RAT:

I'm an E V I L F U T U R E P L O T P O I N T!!! Squeak.

HARRY:

Oh, we're here! That seven hour train journey only took eight lines!

ALL:

Hurrah!

INT: SORTING CEREMONY OF ... ER ... [INSERT ADJECTIVE HERE]

RON:

My brothers said we had to fight a troll!

HERMIONE:

No, just the head lice inside the Sorting Hat. Honestly, Ronald! You are so gullible!

SORTING HAT:

Hurry the hell up and put me on already! I want to get back to my cupboard!

MANY NAMELESS FIRST YEARS:

*are sorted*

HARRY:

Finally my turn!

SORTING HAT:

I know exactly where to put you, but I'm going to freak you out by threatening to house you amongst people who want you dead.

HARRY:

*freaks out*

SORTING HAT:

You know, that wasn't as entertaining as I thought it'd be. Ah well. GRYFFINDOR!

NOBODY:

*is surprised*

HARRY:

*eats*

RON:

*eats*

HERMIONE:

*quotes Hogwarts, A History*

1/2 THE AUDIENCE:

Is Hogwarts, A History another book in the series?

BOOK FANS:

OMGSACRILEGE!

INT: NEXT DAY; POTIONS CLASS OF DOOOOOOM !!!

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Potions class of doom?

AUTHOR:

Well it is. Now sssh-kebab with the interruptions!

~

SNAPE:

Potter, I hate your father so much that I am the founder, and President, of the I - Hate - James - Potter Society! I hated him so much, I wished he was dead! Now he IS dead, I hate him because he died and left me with nothing to hate! Except you, and so I hate you also!

HARRY:

Ok, so I'm not the teacher's pet here?

SNAPE:

*Asks Harry impossibly hard questions that he couldn't possibly know the answers to*

HARRY:

...

HERMIONE:

*jumps up and down in her seat*

IknowIknowIknowIknow!!!!!

SNAPE:

Well then Granger?

HERMIONE:

*answers 100% correctly*

SNAPE:

Correct. 10 points from Gryffindor!

HERMIONE:

Adda...bibba...wah...de...*cries*

CLASS:

*is dismissed*

INT: FLYING LESSON OF UNBELIEVABLE PAIN AND SUFFERING

(Because of the Splinters)

MADAM HOOCH

Alright toads! Line yourselves up and show me what you don't know!

NEVILLE:

*doesn't know how to fly; shows Madam Hooch; breaks his arm*

HOOCH

Alright, while I take Miss Longbottom here to the hospital wing, I expect at LEAST two of you to break the rules! Do I make myself clear?

MALFOY:

Yes.

HARRY:

Very.

MALFOY:

You suck, Potter! Watch me in my sexy Eleven-year-old flying greatness!

HARRY:

Flying just happens to be one of my many annoying natural talents, as well as kicking your ass Malfoy.

MALFOY:

Prove it

HARRY:

*proves it*

McGONAGALL:

Potter!

MALFOY:

Ha ha!

HERMIONE:

I told you you'd get into trouble!

HARRY:

No you didn't!

HERMIONE:

Well I was supposed to! Blame the author!

~

AUTHOR:

*whistles and looks in opposite direction*

~

McGONAGALL:

Potter, normally you'd be expelled. Instead, I'm going to let you break even more rules! How's that sound?

HARRY:

Wha..? Really?

McGONAGALL:

Yes. 1; you're now on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, and 2; I'm going to personally buy you a broomstick! Top of the line model!

HARRY:

Score! Free stuff!

INT: SOME NAMELESS CORRIDOR

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Do corridors even have names? Like, normally?

AUTHOR:

What are you, hell bent on ruining this parody?

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

...Yes...

~

HARRY:

*brags to Ron*

RON:

*is suitably impressed*

HERMIONE:

*butts in with back-story*

SAPPY AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

*teary eyed* Oh, he takes after his Dad! *sniffle*

BOOK FANS:

I don't remember this....

CHRIS COLUMBUS:

Sure, this is all in the book.....er....if you squint your eyes, turn the pages upside down, and use your imaginations!

BOOK FANS:

*get mad*

LORD OF THE RINGS FANS:

You think YOU'RE hard done by!

INT: ANOTHER NAMELESS CORRIDOR

~

AUTHOR:

Except I feel sorry for this corridor. I name it Joseph.

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

You are so sad...

~

RON:

I'm telling you, it's spooky! She knows more about you than you do!

HARRY:

That's because she's a muggle born. She read the book series in an attempt to 'fit in'.

RON:

Wait - if there's a book series already written about your Hogwarts years, then why are we only in first year?

HARRY:

Because this is Movie Land, ruled over by the vengeful God Chris Columbus, who decrees that we must all follow the script, or we are breaking our contractual obligations.

HERMIONE:

Those are the biggest words I have ever heard you say. Congratulations, Harry!

STAIRCASE:

I'm bored! *wiggle wiggle* Hehehehe!

RON:

Hey! The staircase moved!

HERMIONE:

No, really? We hadn't noticed. *hopes Ron drowns in the sarcasm*

HARRY:

I guess we'll have to go down this strange corridor, which we've never seen before, and looks unusually ominous.

HERMIONE:

You mean the one with the police tape, and the !warning! sign reading: "DO NOT ENTER! BEYOND LIES CERTAIN DEATH!"?

HARRY:

That's the one!

KIDS:

*enter Corridor of Certain Death*

MRS. NORRIS

Meow. For some reason, I am terrifying! Fear my feline-ness! Meow.

KIDS:

Aaaaaaauuuugh! Run for your lives! A cat!

DOORWAY OF DEATH:

*locked*

HARRY:

Quick - through that door!

RON:

But it's locked!

DOORWAY OF DEATH:

Ha ha!

HERMIONE:

*is annoyingly clever* Alohomora!

DOORWAY OF DEATH:

No fair! *opens*

KIDS:

*go through doorway; see Three Headed Dog*

THREE HEADED DOG:

*sees kids*

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

And the Three Headed Dog wonders what goats are doing inside the school.

AUTHOR:

Why, getting some book-learnin' o'course!

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

AUTHOR

Not deer - goats. Go-ats.

~

THREE HEADED DOG:

Grr! You're breaking the rules! You will regret your impromptu decision to enter this room!

KIDS:

*regret impromptu decision to enter room*

HARRY:

Oh come on - you can hold hands later!

RON AND HERMIONE:

*drop each others hands*

OMGWESOWERENOTHOLDINGHANDS!

HARRY:

Whatever. So, death by Cat or Dog?

RON AND HERMIONE:

Cat! Definitely Cat!

THREE HEADED DOG:

Cat!? Where!? Can I play with it!? Will it be my friend!?

KIDS:

...*escape*

INT: NEXT DAY; LESSON WITH WOOD.

SEAN BIGGERSTAFF FANS:

Yay!

~

AUTHOR:

Freaks.

~

SLASH FAN-FIC AUTHORS:

OMG those names are G O L D!!! *start scribbling away*

~

AUTHOR:

Lord...excuse me while I hurl. Now get out of my parody!

~

SLASH FAN-FIC AUTHORS:

Fine. *grumble and leave*

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

I don't get that....and I don't think I want to...

AUTHOR:

No, you don't.

~

WOOD:

Quidditch, Harry, is a very dangerous sport. Let me explain the rules to you in an older-brother figure-ish kind of way.

HARRY:

Ok.

WOOD:

Now, I'm going to endanger your life by releasing a homicidal flying ball.

HARRY:

WHY??

WOOD:

*shrugs* It'd be funny if it battered your brains out. *releases ball*

HARRY:

*ducks* Aaaarrgh! Help!

CRAZY! HOMICIDAL! FLYING BALL:

I KEEL YOU!!!

HARRY:

*whacks ball*

CRAZY! HOMICIDAL! FLYING BALL:

AAAARRRGH! I know where you liiiiiiiiiive *flies away*

WOOD:

Careful now, it's coming back!

HARRY:

Yeah - but it's going for YOUR crotch, not mine.

WOOD:

Eep! *catches ball with all the ease of a Daisy holding up an Elephant*

CRAZY! HOMICIDAL! FLYING BALL:

Lemme go! Lemme go! I'm a Straight Bludger, I tell you! A STRAIGHT bludger!

WOOD:

Until you can admit your true feelings, you will be In The Chest spiritually as well as physically *locks bludger away again*

HARRY:

*edges away*

SEAN BIGGERSTAFF FAN-GIRLS:

Hey...are you implying something there, Black_Rosebudd? Something WE wouldn't like!?

~

AUTHOR:

So what if I am? I'm the AUTHOR! I can do ANYTHING I WANT!!! Mwahahahaha!

*dances about in megalomaniacal glee*

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

I'm not related to her, I'm not.

AUTHOR:

*points at sister* Besides, she made me!

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Hey!

~

INT: MIDGETS FLITWICKS CLASS OF CHARMING-NESS

MIDGET FLITWICK:

Now pay attention! This is the only screen time I get for at LEAST three films! Make those feathers fly or so help me God, I'll squeak at you until you go insane!

RON:

Fly, damn you, fly!

HERMIONE:

*in annoyingly clever superior tone* You're supposed to pull your pants down and dance about in the middle of the room, whilst singing 'I'm a Lumberjack' by the Pythons before you say the incantation!

HARRY:

*blinks*

RON:

*does as Hermione says*

HERMIONE:

*breaks a rib laughing*

RON:

*gets embarrassed and sulks; still fails to make feather fly*

HARRY:

You shouldn't take advantage of his gullibility like that. That's below the belt.

HERMIONE:

I know - but it was funny!

HARRY:

Yes, that I'll give you.

RON:

*fuming* Well if you're so clever, YOU do it then!

HERMIONE:

*is annoyingly clever; makes feather fly*

RON:

*still fuming; makes Hermione cry*

INT: CRAZY! GREAT HALL OF HALLOWEENY DECORATIONS

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Cute. Very cute.

AUTHOR:

Why, thank you.

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

I was being sarcastic.

~

NEVILLE:

*tells Ron about how he's broken Hermione's heart*

RON:

*feels bad*

QUIRRELL:

*bursts in dramatically*

I've just let in - I mean SOMEONE has just let in a Mountain Troll!! *collapses*

DUMBLEDORE:

Wait - don't you speak with a stutter?

QUIRRELL:

*un-collapses* Y-y-yes? *re-collapses*

DUMBLEDORE:

That's better. Alright folks, party over!

HARRY:

Hermione!

RON:

Where!?

HARRY:

With the troll! We have to save her!

RON:

*in jealous rage* It's her business who she goes out with. *looks around for nearest girl, grabs Lavender Brown* Have you met my new girlfriend, Lavender?

HARRY:

*grabs Lavender and pushes her back into crowd* Oh no, not for another five years you don't!

RON:

Fine. But just you wait!

HARRY:

Whatever. Look - we have to get to the bathroom, ok? To SAVE HERMIONE.

RON:

Hermione's in danger!? What are we waiting for!! Move, Move, Move!

*runs off*

HARRY:

Lord...*follows Ron*

INT: GIRLS BATHROOM OF TEENAGE WEEPINESS

TROLL:

Oh man, I really gotta go! I so should not have had that fifteenth bottle of firewhisky...

HERMIONE:

*screams*

TROLL:

Oh, excuse me! I am SO SORRY - I thought this was the men's!

HARRY AND RON:

*lay first year Gryffindor smackdown on Troll*

HERMIONE:

Thanks, guys, that's really sweet of you. Saving my life was such a swoonworthy thing to do! Except I'm not old enough to swoon yet.

RON:

That's ok. Just choose someone better next time *cough-me-cough*

HERMIONE:

...?

HARRY:

You don't want to know.

ASSORTED TEACHERS:

*arrive*

McGONAGALL:

Potter! Such terrible rule breaking deserves -

SNAPE:

Expulsion!? NO, wait! Better yet - THE DEATH PENALTY!!! Oh, I can get together a firing squad faster than you can say "traitor to the dark lo-"

McGONAGALL:

- house points for all! *bestows house points*

SNAPE:

*cries*

HARRY:

Dude, very, very cool.

INT: QUIDDITCH MATCH OF DUBIOUS COMPUTER ANIMATION

WOOD:

Nervous, Harry?

HARRY:

Nah - I read the script, I know what happens.

SEAN BIGGERSTAFF FANS:

He looks SOOOOOO handsome and manly in those Quidditch Robes! *swoon*

~

AUTHOR:

Y'all. Are such. Freaks.

~

QUIDDITCH TEAM:

*zooms onto pitch*

MADAM HOOCH

Alright scum! I want a nice, clean game! This means NO HEXING THE REFEREE! I don't care what you do to each other, I get paid regardless!

QUIDDITCH MATCH:

*starts*

HARRY'S BROOM:

*chucks a spaz*

HARRY:

*nearly falls off*

SNAPE:

IhopeyoudieIhopeyoudieIhopeyoudieIhopeyoudie

HERMIONE:

*tries to burn down stadium*

SNAPE:

OMG, I knew I was hot, but...

AUDIENCE:

Um...ok....

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

*is physically sick*

~

HARRY'S BROOM:

*finishes chucking spaz*

HARRY:

*sees snitch*

SNITCH:

No! You'll never take me aliiiiiiiiiive!

HARRY:

*eats snitch*

AUDIENCE:

Ok...that's...weird...

QUIDDITCH TEAM:

*celebrates*

INT: HAGRIDS HUT, WHICH FOR SOME REASON IS ON THE SCHOOL'S DOORSTEP

HAGRID:

So, 'Arry. Someone tried to kill yer...ah well, these things 'appen. Specially to you, I expect!

HARRY:

It was Snape.

HAGRID:

No it wasn't.

HARRY:

Yes it was.

HAGRID:

No it wasn't.

HARRY:

Yes it was.

HAGRID:

No it wasn't.

HARRY:

Yes it was.

HAGRID:

No, it wasn't! Snape wouldn't try to kill yeh, he wouldn't try to get past any three headed dogs called Fluffy, an' he also wouldn't try an' steal anythin' belongin' to anybody called Nicolas Flamel.

HERMIONE:

Yesss! Informative clues which will lead us closer to the answers we seek!

HAGRID:

Oh, Fiddlesticks... Yeh all couldn't pretend that yeh never heard any o' that, now, could yeh?

KIDS TRIO:

No.

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

That's better. Now the audience knows that it's HUMANS they're reading about, not FARM ANIMALS

AUTHOR:

If you take the keyboard away from me one more time, I'll hurt you.

~

INT: CRAZY! GREAT HALL OF CHRISTMASSY DECORATIONS

TINY CHESS PIECE:

DIE! DIE! DIE!

HERMIONE:

It's Christmas Holidays now, boys, so I want you to spend your free time in the Library, researching Nicolas Flamel, instead of here, playing this barbaric game!

RON:

*brags* This is called Wizard Chess, and I'm the best in our year at it!

*brags some more*

They call me the Wizard Chess KING!

HERMIONE:

*is not impressed*

HARRY:

Yeah, sure Hermione. We'll do that for you.

RON:

Do what?

HERMIONE:

Harry, when Ron gets any less S.T.U.P.I.D., let me know. Merry Christmas!

INT: BOYS DORMITORY OF CLICHÉD PYJAMA PRINTS

RON:

Hey! Harry, wake up! I just figured out what Hermione said about me! I am NOT Stupid!

HARRY:

Ron, that was three days ago. You're not helping your argument.

RON:

*pouts* ok, well How about 'Wake up, Harry! It's Christmas!"?

HARRY:

Much better. Wow I have presents!

RON:

Why've you got an invisibility cloak?

HARRY:

Gee, Ron, I don't know. Maybe because it's Christmas, and it's my present? Anyway, this anonymous note says that it was my Dad's. Now I'm going to openly encourage the D E L U S I O N A L* Harry/Hermione shippers by spending my free time, and risking my neck, doing her evil bidding.

~

AUTHOR:

*Because Harry/Hermione Shippers ARE delusional.

~

RON:

...

HARRY:

I'm going to the LIBRARY to RESEARCH Nicolas Flamel. Remember?

RON:

Oh, right.

INT: DARK AND SPOOKY LIBRARY

HARRY:

*picks up random book*

BOOK:

*freaks out and screams*

HARRY:

Oh, Not Good!

ARGUS FREAKY SLYTHERIN SQUIB FILCH:

I'm coming to get you my pretties! *oddly feminine cackle*

HARRY:

Oh @%$#&*! *runs away*

*nearly crashes into Snape and Quirrell, who are either making out or talking about PLOT POINTS *

QUIRRELL:

S-s-s-severus, I n-n-never knew y-you felt this w-w-w-way ab-b-out me!

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

THAT IS GROSS AND WRONG. YOU ARE SICK!

AUTHOR:

*in defense* It's just because I hate them both!

~

SNAPE:

OMGyouFREAK. Will you just shut up and let me finish threatening you already?

QUIRRELL

y-y-y-yeah ok.

SNAPE:

*finishes threatening* Now, let me almost but not quite catch the student, probably that annoying Potter, who is standing right behind me. *snatches at air*

HARRY:

*runs for life in a backwards direction*

FILCH:

*squeals on Harry*

SNAPE AND QUIRRELL:

*run off in completely wrong direction*

HARRY:

Woot!

INT: EMPTY CLASSROOM OF PRECIOUS, TEAR JERKING MEMORIES

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Tear jerking for who?

AUTHOR:

Tear jerking for anyone with emotions. And for the purposes of this parody.

~

MIRROR OF PRECIOUS TEAR JERKING MEMORIES ERISED:

*stands around conspicuously*

HARRY:

*looks in mirror*

MIRROR:

Hey, look! Your dead parents! Who knew!?

HARRY:

Mum? Dad? Is that you!? *sobs* Don't ever leave me again!

~

AUTHOR:

Lily SO doesn't look like that. Neither does James.

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

And nobody cares but you. Build a bridge, build a bridge.

~

HARRY:

*runs away and comes back with Ron*

RON:

*can't see Harry's parents*

HARRY:

*is greatly saddened*

DUMBLEDORE:

*turns up and scares the bejeebers outta Harry, then moves mirror; shows unnatural obsession with socks.*

~

AUTHOR:

Theory alert! Theory alert!

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

...

~

INT: LIBRARY OF CONSIDERABLY LESS SPOOKINESS, SEEING AS IT'S NOW DAYTIME

HERMIONE:

Y'all were looking in the wrong section guys.

RON:

Oh, Harry, is someone talking to me? Why would anyone talk to ME, seeing as I'm so S.T.I.P.U.D!

HERMIONE:

*sigh*. You spelt it wrong, Ronald! Anyway, I got this totally massive tome out for a bit of light reading weeks ago -

HARRY:

When you realized you'd gone insane, and mixed up the definitions of light and too heavy to move without a crane?

HERMIONE:

*withers with glare of DOOOOOM* - when I realized I'd already read all about Nicolas Flamel!

BOOK FANS:

This is SO not in the book. Curse thee, Chris Columbus!

HERMIONE:

Will y'all stop interrupting me now? Anyway Nicolas Flamel is an uber-old dude, who invented the Philosopher's Stone.

~

AUTHOR:

Note To Americans: YOUR version of Harry Potter is WRONG. There is NO SUCH THING as a SORCERER'S STONE. It's really a Philosopher's Stone. The publisher's thought y'all were too S.T.I.P.U.D. to be able to read the word 'Philosopher's'.

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

You know, after seven years of Potterdom, you could assume that they already know that.

AUTHOR:

Better safe than sorry.

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

*sigh*

~

RON AND HARRY:

The Philosopher's Stone!

HERMIONE:

Yes, the Philosopher's Stone. Hello, are you two still with me? Don't you two read at all?!

RON:

No, we're too S.T.U.P.I.D., remember?! Harry, did I get it right that time?

HARRY:

*two thumbs up*

HERMIONE:

I'm surrounded by incompetence, y'all are prats. Right, well the Philosopher's Stone is this magical rock that turns any metal into solid gold making the owner so mega rich it makes you sick, and you can't wait for them to DIE. Unfortunately, that won't happen because it also makes the Elixir of Life, which makes you immortal.

RON:

Immortal!?

HERMIONE:

It means you live forever. I just said that! God, you really are S.T.U.-

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

If you call Ron stupid ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to reboot the computer.

AUTHOR:

Fine.

~

HARRY:

*intervening diplomatically* This calls for a trip to Hagrid's! Everybody to the Ford Anglia!

HERMIONE:

That's next movie, Harry.

HARRY:

...oh yeah....well, everyone to Hagrid's!

INT: TRIO ÉN ROUTE TO HAGRIDS HUT

HAGRID:

Go away!

TRIO:

No!

HAGRID:

Fine then, come in. As yeh can see, I'm very easily persuaded.

HERMIONE:

Hagrid, what's that egg-like object in your fireplace?

HAGRID:

I see no egg-like object.

EGG-LIKE OBJECT:

*starts hatching*

HAGRID:

Mummy's comin'! Mummy's comin'!

EGG-LIKE OBJECT:

*is actually an egg*

RON:

I know what that is!

HERMIONE:

Snaps for Ron! He knows something!

RON:

It's a Dragon's Egg!

EGG:

*hatches*

HAGRID:

Isn't he beautiful?! *grows misty eyed*

DRAGON:

Incinerate! Incinerate! Purge the un-pure! Incinerate! Incinerate!

HERMIONE:

Lord, it's a dalek.

RON:

No Hermione - Dragon. Dra-gon.

HAGRID:

Who's tha' mysterious blonde?

DRACO:

Ha ha! I'm going to tattle on you! And your little Dragon too!

*runs off*

TRIO:

It looks like we should get going then, and try to not-so-secretly sneak back to our common room.

HAGRID:

*to absorbed with dalek dragon to care*

McGONAGALL:

You are all in LOTS of trouble!

TRIO:

Aaaugh! Where did you come from!?

McGONAGALL:

Mr. Malfoy has told me you're all out at night, and in the company of an underage dragon! That's breaking the rules, Potter, Weasley, Granger!

HARRY:

Couldn't you just let us all off the hook like the last....*does quick mental calculations*...twenty-seven times? Possibly reward us in some way as well?

McGONAGALL:

No, Potter! I can't do that if someone actually rats you out.

HARRY:

Well I'll be a miserable orphan.

DRACO:

That you will, that you will.

McGONAGALL:

Right. Well, 50 house points from each of you, plus you're all getting a detention.

MALFOY:

Ha ha! Sux to be you three!

McGONAGALL:

You too, Slytherin scum!

MALFOY:

*pouts*

INT: DARK AND ALMOST SCARY HOGWARTS GROUNDS

FILCH:

*reminisces about the past* But sadly, they did away with the old punishments, and all that'll happen to you lot is you'll all be going into the Forest with Hagrid. The old ways aren't completely gone though. I still listen to 'Alvin and the Chipmunks Greatest Hits' when I'm feeling a bit down. Then I remember the screams of agony, and the sun shines bright again!

MALFOY:

Did you say the Forest!? Not the Forest!?

HARRY:

What, are you afraid of trees now too?

HAGRID:

*sobbing uncontrollably* they took my d-d-d-dragon awaaaaay! *bawls*

HARRY:

That's ok. Think of it this way - with an extra crazy critter around, Fang would have thought you didn't love him anymore.

HAGRID:

True tha'....well, tonight folks, we're huntin' a unicorn killer!

HERMIONE:

But nothing can kill a unicorn except powerful dark magic!

HAGRID:

So?

DRACO:

So you're actually taking first years into the Forest to catch this mega evil thing? Even though there's no way we could stop it, as our powers are all feebleness in comparison?

HAGRID:

Yeh...so?

HERMIONE, RON AND DRACO:

Bu-

HARRY:

Don't - he won't understand. You're talking to the man who wanted to raise a dragon in a wooden house.

HERMIONE, RON AND DRACO:

Touché.

INT: DARK, SCARY, AND SERIOUSLY MISTY FORBIDDEN FOREST.

HAGRID:

*points at pool of blood* Yer all lookin' for this stuff, or failin' tha'- a dead unicorn. Now, for no reason tha' I care to explain, I'm gonna split yeh into groups. Ron and Hermione, yeh'll come with me. Draco and Harry, yer going to have to go off together. But yeh can have Fang if yeh want.

FANG:

Woof! *translates to: Can I go home? I'm scared!*

DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS:

Yay! See, their relationship is totally canon! They're being paired together RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING!

~

AUTHOR:

I swear to the Lord High Billywig that y'all are F R E A K S.

~

DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS:

*get offended, leave parody grumbling*

DRACO AND HARRY:

*separate from group*

DRACO:

I'd just like you to know, Potter, that I'm very straight, and I don't find you in any way at all attractive.

HARRY:

...

DRACO:

In fact, seeing as I haven't hit puberty yet, I don't find anyone attractive. But I'm very certain that when I am old enough to find you attractive, I won't.

HARRY:

...well, that's good...

DRACO:

*accusingly*

You think I'm gay, don't you!

HARRY:

*backs away* For the purposes of this conversation, I suggest we steer away from the topic of your sexuality, and concentrate on insulting each other as best we can.

DRACO:

Sounds good to me, you...you....Gryffindor!

HARRY:

Ooh, ouch. I can see you need the practice. Scaredy cat!

DRACO:

I am not a scaredy ca - *sees something* Aaaaugh! I want my mummy!

HARRY:

What?

SPOOKY FIGURE:

*eats unicorn's face*

HARRY:

Ew.

SPOOKY FIGURE:

*hisses*

DRACO:

*runs away screaming*

HARRY:

Oh...no..

SPOOKY FIGURE:

Shiiiiiire......Bagginssssssss

HARRY:

...?

SPOOKY FIGURE:

I mean...Haaaaarrrryyyy.....Potttteeeeeeerrr....

HARRY:

Very. Very. Weird.

SPOOKY FIGURE:

Would you hurry up and be scared already?

HARRY:

*is scared*

FIRENEZE:

*lays two hoof smackdown on Spooky Figure*

SPOOKY FIGURE:

Oh no! A horsy-man! *floats off*

HARRY:

Thanks, horse-dude.

FIRENZE:

No worries youngling boy. For Future Reference though, you and old Voldie hanging about together in the Forbidden Forest probably isn't the best of ideas.

HARRY:

I'll keep that in mind.

HAGRID:

'Lo Firenze. Any idea why Lil' Miss Malfoy came screamin' round the corner cryin' like a baby jus' now?

FIRENZE:

Oh, probably because he was nearly attacked by Lord Voldemort, who was feasting on that dead unicorn over there.

HAGRID:

Yeah well, same thing happened to young 'Arry didn't it, and he ain't wettin' himself!

FIRENZE:

That's because he's not a girl.

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Everything you wrote in that scene was offensive, you realize?

AUTHOR:

...but it was fun making Draco! Fans upset!

~

INT: EMPTY GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM OF MANY SOFT RED COUCHES

HARRY:

*fills Ron and Hermione in*

RON AND HERMIONE

*are unnaturally shocked, all things considered*

HARRY:

*gets all noble*

SCENE:

*ends*

INT: ANOTHER OF HOGWARTS POOR, NEGLECTED NAMELESS CORRIDORS

HARRY:

*finally twigs about a major PLOT POINT*

TRIO:

*run to Hagrids*

HAGRID:

*bumbles, lets out important secret*

TRIO:

*run off to see Dumbledore*

DUMBLEDORE:

*is not there*

SNAPE:

*is ominous*

HARRY:

*glares at Snape*

HARRY'S GLARE:

IhopeyoudieIhopeyoudieIhopeyoudieIhopeyoudie

INT: GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM OF SOFT RED COUCHES LATE AT NIGHT

TREVOR THE TOAD:

Croakity croak croak

TRIO:

Ssssh kebab!

NEVILLE:

*stands up to his only friends*

HERMIONE:

*hexes him, in a very un-friend like manner*

RON:

Hermione, you're brilliant but scary. I think I love you.

HARRY:

Oh Lord! Not NOW! Come on, let's move!

INT: DOORWAY OF DEATH [REMEMBER THE DOORWAY OF DEATH!?]

HARRY:

Now remember, Hagrid said we have to play some sort of music to get the Three Headed Dog to fall asleep.

HERMIONE:

Well I'm not singing!

RON:

Looks like you won't have to, there's a magic harp already playing.

HARRY:

Oh good. Well, that solves one problem. Now let's all crouch around this hole while I say many noble things, and talk until the music has stopped. This will give the Three Headed Dog enough time to wake up, and decide to try and eat us before we narrowly escape by throwing ourselves into the abyss.

TRIO:

*do so*

INT: STRANGE WEED GARDEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ABYSS

RON:

Lucky this stuff broke our fall

HARRY:

Yeah, and lucky it's now trying to do us in!

HERMIONE:

In situations such as these, you just have to go with the flow! Relaaaax boys!

RON:

She's mental, I knew it, she's mental.

HERMIONE:

*goes with the floooooooow, and sinks to safety*

HARRY:

*follows Hermione's lead*

RON:

*refuses to listen to any and all advice, and continues to be strangled to death*

HERMIONE:

*saves the day*

RON:

Good thing nobody panicked then!

HARRY:

Good thing Hermione pays attention in Herbology.

HERMIONE:

*looks smugly happy*

HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS

Ha! You can't refute that evidence! Look, he was defending her brilliance! Giving her the credit she deseeeeerved!

~

AUTHOR:

I can, on the grounds that y'all are delusional.

~

INT: CRAZY HALL OF ECHOES AND FLYING KEYS

~

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

There weren't any echoes...

AUTHOR:

Were you there? Do you know that for sure?

~

HARRY:

It's too easy! It can't just be that I have to get on this broom, and go and catch that key up there!

TASK:

*is that easy, with the exception that every other key is out to kill Harry*

TRIO:

*narrowly escape Crazy! Homicidal! Flying Keys*

HARRY:

You know, I think those keys might be related to our Bludgers...

INT: ROOM OF GIANT, MURDEROUS CHESS PIECES

RON:

Now is my time to shiiiine!!!!!!!!

*gets knocked out*

HERMIONE:

*has fits over Ron's health*

HARRY:

Get out of here, Hermione. Go send an OWL to Dumbledore - something we should have done before we came in here, and I'll go on ahead and fight Snape.

HERMIONE:

*gets all soppy*

HARRY:

Uh...yeah...

INT: ROOM WITH MIRROR OF PRECIOUS, TEAR JERKING MEMORIES, AND ONE OR TWO EVIL MEGALOMANIACS

HARRY:

Wait...I'm supposed to be fighting Snape.

QUIRRELL:

Yeah, he's a good poster boy for EVIL MEGALOMANIACS, isn't he? 'Cept this time it's ME! Mwahahahahahaha! Oh, and my Master. *unwraps turban*

HARRY:

Oh. My. God. That. Is. So. G.R.O.S.S.

VOLDEMORT:

Do my evil bidding, Potter!

HARRY:

Hell no.

MIRROR:

Don't let him smash me! Take the stone! Take the stone!

HARRY:

Yeah ok...

VOLDEMORT:

Give me the stone!

HARRY:

How the hell...? No!

VOLDEMORT:

I'll bring your parents back from the dead. They would have wanted you to give me the stone!

HARRY:

What do you think I am? S.T.U.P.I.D.?

VOLDEMORT:

I was hoping...anyway, Kill him, Host Body!

HOST BODY QUIRRELL:

*tries to kill Harry*

HARRY:

Oh hell no! *burns Quirrell to death* Cool - never knew I could do that.

VOLDEMORT:

*throws tantrum; attempts to attack Harry, but seeing as he's only vapour, does not succeed. Floats away really, really fast*

HARRY:

*collapses on ground*

INT: HOSPITAL WING OF MAGICAL HEALING AND CLEANLINESS

HARRY:

What the..?

DUMBLEDORE:

Hey there Harry. I am old and sage. These are presents from your admirers. What happened down in the dungeons was a complete secret, but Fred and George Weasley, hey, no one knows how they know everything but damn they do, and so now everyone knows what went on down there.

HARRY:

Ok...cool...

DUMBLEDORE:

Yup. And what went on down there, being all cool and burny and aaargh my face! All that stuff happened because your mother loved you. Ain't that sweet?

HARRY:

My mum loved me, yet she never thought to make a will so I wouldn't have to go live with my aunt and uncle?

DUMBLEDORE:

Yeah...Love's a grand PLOT POINT, isn't it?

HARRY:

Yeah...I guess...

DUMBLEDORE:

*steals Harry's sweets*

INT: SOME RANDOM, STATIONARY STAIRCASE

HARRY:

*politely enquires after friends health*

RON AND HERMIONE:

*politely answer and enquire after Harry's health*

HARRY:

*politely answers in the affirmative*

ALL:

*are pleased with the world*

INT: CRAZY! GREAT HALL

CRAZY! GREAT HALL:

*all decked out with Slytherin flags*

GRYFFINDOR TABLE:

*feeling depressed*

DUMBLEDORE:

Congrats, Snape! Y'all have won again! Except...

SNAPE:

No! No 'except'! Nononononononono! We win! Slytherin! No more points, no more, no more, no more!

DUMBLEDORE:

Lord, don't I love messing with that man's brain! Hehehe... Ok, more points for Gryffindor! *bestows points liberally*

HERMIONE:

*is annoyingly clever; does fastest mental arithmetic in universe*
We're tied with Slytherin!

DUMBLEDORE:

Oh yeah, nearly forgot these! *bestows more points, this time to Neville Longbottom*

NEVILLE:

*almost faints from pleasure and shock*

GRYFFINDOR TABLE:

*no longer depressed*

SLYTHERIN TABLE:

*depressed*

SNAPE:

*almost suicidal*

~

AUTHOR:

Die, Snape! Die!

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Didn't you love Snape at one time?

AUTHOR:

He betrayed me. I'm 100% Sirius Black, remember?

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

That silly quiz? Yes.

AUTHOR:

Yeah well, Sirius never forgave, and neither will I!

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

You take this far too seriously...

~

INT: TRAIN STATION OF BUSY FREAKS WIZARDS GOING HOME

HAGRID:

Wait 'Arry! I got summat for yeh!

*gives Harry photo album of dead parents*

HARRY:

*grows misty eyed with appreciation*

SAPPY AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

*sniffle*

HARRY:

*gets on magical train*

HERMIONE:

Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?

HARRY:

I'm not going home. Not really.

RON:

Where are you going then?

HARRY:

Hmm...well, McDonalds first! Do you realize, Hermione, that we've spent a whole year without any of the chemicals and preservatives we've been brought up on!?

HERMIONE:

Why do you think I was so snappy at first? I was having withdrawals from my Diet Coke!

MOVIE:

*ends*

BOOK FANS:

Dammit! They left so much out! They changed so much, and yet...and yet we must still love you, Harry Potter! Whyyyy!?

OTHER HALF OF AUDIENCE:

Oh, is that it? Hmm...it was ok, I guess.

~

AUTHOR:

And that, folks, is the end of my parody. I hope you suffered considerably! XD

Hugs for all who comment! (Hexes for all who flame).

AUTHOR'S SISTER:

Thank god that's over...

~