Choices and Consequences

Batsnumbereleven

Story Summary:
Harry's heading back to Privet Drive for the summer after his fifth year. He's tired of being angry with the world, and now it's time for him to change his attitude. He might have lost Sirius, and have had the prophecy thrust upon him, but there are still people who want to help him, and who understand the burden he carries. He has to take responsibility for his life and find a way to defeat Voldemort. (Mild H/G)

Chapter 09

Chapter Summary:
Harry reflects on his day out with Tonks and starts learning Occlumency - properly this time. He also learns about John's suspicions of Snape's motives for his previous teaching methods.
Posted:
11/14/2005
Hits:
3,762


As it turned out, Harry and Tonks made it back to Charing Cross station with a few minutes to spare and enjoyed an uneventful journey back to Little Whinging.

Once she had seen him safely back to the Dursleys' house, Harry thanked Tonks for accompanying him, as he would certainly not have been allowed out to Diagon Alley by himself, and he admitted that he'd had fun pretending that she was his 'date'. Tonks just smiled enigmatically at that and bid him goodbye, with the news that she wouldn't see him the next day, she'd be back the day after, Tuesday, and they would carry on working on some physical exercises that she'd learned in Auror training.

Harry wondered what Tonks was doing the following day, but then realised that she still held down a full time job as well as helping Harry's training, so it wasn't surprising that there would be days when she couldn't be there. He figured it must be hard work combining a day job with working for the Order, even if the latter only meant watching over him or supervising his visits to Diagon Alley!

As he'd said to Tonks, he'd enjoyed the day with her, and he imagined that actually having a girlfriend to take out to Diagon Alley, or to Muggle London or other places would actually be quite fun, rather than the nightmare he'd imagined after his terrible experience with Cho in Hogsmeade.

Of course, the company made a big difference, and the fact that he'd had a much better time with Tonks, who was cheery and teasing, rather than jealous and teary over Cedric as Cho had been, probably suggested that it had been the wrong time to be dating Cho, but nonetheless he'd felt a lot more comfortable about the situation today.

He didn't have much time to take these thoughts any further though, as John Christopher appeared in the back garden at dead on two o'clock. Much though he looked forward to actually learning something in his Occlumency lessons, something rather more edifying than the attacks that Snape had subjected him to, Harry was still a little nervous about the lessons.

He explained his concerns about the Occlumency lessons to John, and described the 'lessons' that Snape had given him the previous year. John looked a little disconcerted at Snape's teaching methods, but muttered something about 'discussing it with Dumbledore'.

He set Harry at ease fairly quickly though, explaining that although he would, towards the end of the lesson, be testing his defences and attempting to break into his mind, he wouldn't be doing so with the force that Snape had used: he expected to use a much more subtle technique.

They discussed the books that Dumbledore had left Harry to read, and how far he'd got with them. Harry explained that he found the suggestions for clearing his mind really helpful, and could actually mange to do so sufficiently to improve his focus and concentration.

John thought this was good progress for the short amount of time that Harry had been working on it and said so. He suggested that this would be to their advantage as they worked on Harry's Occlumency shields, since it would mean they had to spend less time of getting Harry to the point where he could concentrate effectively enough to repel the attacks.

He also explained to Harry that the need to clear his mind was primarily for the lessons, not a requirement to be able to shield his mind. The point was that he would need a clear mind at the start of the process to learn what it felt like when someone was attacking his mind, whether with force as Snape had done, or more subtly as John intended to start out.

Once he had identified the sensation that it created, and became accustomed to recognising that feeling, his subconscious would alert him when that sensation returned, rather than him shrugging it off as a feeling of unease or some other feeling that he couldn't identify clearly. It was basically a question of understanding that he was being probed.

Harry remembered something of the sort from the second book that Dumbledore had left him, and explained, slightly abashed, about the events of the previous year and how now he realised that he had been in totally the wrong frame of mind to be able to identify Voldemort's visions, even if he had taken Snape's Occlumency lessons more seriously.

John agreed with Harry's assessment. "I hope you feel more in control of yourself now?" he asked.

"Actually, I do, " Harry replied. "I think the main thing is that I actually feel like there's a way out of this now, not that everything in the world is conspiring against me. Last year I had no contact from my friends, was victimised by the Ministry and was basically tortured into conforming to someone else's beliefs. Now I have more freedom, I understand what it is that I need to do much more clearly and I've actually got people helping me, rather than keeping me in the dark."

Having heard Harry's description of his Hogwarts years already, John wasn't particularly shocked at the way Harry felt.

"I know you feel that Dumbledore keeps you in the dark for no reason at all, Harry," he tried to explain, "but I'm sure he thinks that what he's doing is for the best."

He frowned in concentration for a moment, as though remembering something else, but continued with a shake of his head, seemingly unable to recall wht had made him pause.

"I'm not saying that I agree with him, mind. I think if you'd known the prophecy when you were younger, you would have better understood why your security was so important. You might also have been able to reach some form of agreement with Dumbledore at an earlier stage, as well, instead of being left with those morons you have for relatives.

"Anyway, I'm not at all surprised why you were so angry last year," John continued. "I think I would have been, too. It was a natural reaction to some rather traumatising events, and that you managed to get through it is partly testament to your mental strength, even if you felt like you were losing it."

"I ... I didn't treat my friends very well, last year," Harry admitted shamefaced. "I was angry at them, too, not just at Dumbledore, and they didn't deserve that."

John merely shrugged. "And they're still your friends?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded.

"Then that's all that matters. I'm sure you stick with them, even when you've argued. It works both ways."

Harry nodded again.

"Good," John responded. "Well, turning back to Occlumency, I think you'll need to have the right attitude towards it, otherwise we're not going to get very far."

Harry nodded his acceptance of that, and John discussed the first few chapters of 'Defending your mind' with him in more detail, including the sort of feeling that he normally experienced when his mind was being probed.

Harry recalled from the book that the actual experience would be more or less unique for each wizard that he identified, but John pointed out that, although it would feel different in terms of the actual nuances that would come through from the attacking mind as well as the emotion that the person was feeling, the actual sensation that identified a foreign presence would be fairly similar in each case.

They talked for a considerable time about these concepts, and John explained that at first, he wouldn't be teaching Harry how to actually repel him, but to identify the presence and understand its characteristics. In future lessons he would work on getting Harry to be able to block the intruder from certain memories or groups of memories, and then finally he would help Harry to repel the invading mind altogether. Eventually, and if they had sufficient time before Harry went back to Hogwarts, then they might be able to work on some Legilimancy techniques as well, but it would depend on the progress that Harry made with Occlumency first.

John had Harry focus on clearing his mind for a couple of minutes at a time, to get him in the right frame of mind to identify a foreign mind for the first time. He then cast the legilimens spell, trying to gently insinuate his mind into Harry's own.

At first Harry couldn't tell that John had done anything at all, but as he concentrated and focused on keeping his mind clear, he noticed a strange buzzing kind of feeling, and opened his eyes wide as he realised that he could actually sense John's presence.

"Wow! I can do it!" Harry exclaimed.

John chuckled. "If that's your reaction every time you notice a presence, you're not going to be able to defend your mind," he chided gently. "As soon as you realised that you could do it, you dropped your defences entirely and I had access to anything I wanted."

Harry accepted the rebuke in good heart. "It was just because it was the first time," he protested, as John laughed at his excuse.

"Come on, let's try it again, Harry," John insisted. "This time, don't lose your concentration. Focus on what you've identified and take note of its characteristics, then we'll discuss it further."

Harry closed his eyes and focused on clearing his mind once more. As John muttered the spell under his breath once more, Harry could once again feel the very slight buzzing that he'd experienced the first time, just barely imprinting itself in his consciousness. As instructed, he tried to concentrate on retaining his composure and trying to identify what the buzzing felt like, but couldn't get a grasp on the sensation for long enough at a time to identify it properly.

John broke off the spell and asked Harry to comment.

"It was really faint," Harry noted. "I could feel you in there, buzzing around, but I couldn't get any characteristics of it at all."

"Don't worry, Harry," John assured him, "you've done pretty well for your first proper attempts. At least you've been able to concentrate properly and actually identify that there's an alien presence there. I'm not too surprised that you couldn't identify any specific characteristics at this stage. In one way, I'm making it hard for you, since I'm very much calm and controlled as I cast the spell - we're in an atmosphere that's fairly conducive to calm thoughts and contemplation," he added, gesticulating at the serene surroundings of the Dursleys' back garden. "I'm not particularly emotional or excited about making the intrusion, so I wouldn't be giving off any of those kind of characteristics, either."

Harry nodded, and the two of them spent a further half an hour repeating the experiment, but Harry seemed unable to grasp any of the definitive aspects of John's invading presence. If anything, he was finding it harder and harder to detect the presence at all, and he commented on this to his tutor.

"Excellent, Harry!" John smiled at him, to Harry's surprise. "You're getting the grasp of this extremely quickly." To Harry's confused look, he explained further. "I've been using less and less force with each attempt, to try and sneak in as quietly as possible to see if you could still notice. The fact that, not only could you still pick up my presence each time despite the more subtle incision but you also noticed that the attempts decreased in their intensity each time, suggests to me that you'll do fine at this.

"That's enough for today though. It's tiring for you to work so hard on mental defences for long periods at a time, or frequently. I think we'll hold off now until Wednesday, to give us both a break on that score."

Noticing the disappointment that appeared on Harry's face at this decision, he explained further.

"If you work at it too hard, it will only cause you to lose concentration in the longer term, Harry. By all means continue to work on clearing your mind - that can only be helpful, but I don't want to push you too fast with Occlumency, since interfering with the mind can be a dangerous thing to do."

"Okay," he said, trying not to be too disappointed. "If you think that's best."

"Tomorrow, I'd like to work on your duelling again. I understand Dumbledore's sorted out a private Floo connection from your relatives' living room to my flat in Hogsmeade for you, so I'll see you there at two o'clock. On Tuesday I'll come here at two and we can start on some of your 'remedial potions'," he joked at Snape's terminology for Harry's Occlumency lessons the previous year, "so if you can have your cauldron and potion ingredients ready so we can start right away if necessary, it would be helpful."

"Umm...where are we going to get a fire from," Harry asked, unsure that it would be wise to use the coal-fuelled fire in the living room for brewing potions. Aunt Petunia would be certain to complain that there were smells she couldn't get rid of, and Harry would be the only one to blame.

"Don't worry, I'll bring one with me," John advised. "Probably best if we work outdoors as well, so I'll have to make sure the neighbours are otherwise distracted." He cocked a crooked half-smile at Harry. "It wouldn't do much good if they were to pop their heads over the fence and see you adding eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog. That really would cause some toil and trouble."

Harry laughed. "No, probably not the best idea." The thought of the Dursleys' reactions to such a scene made Harry dissolve into a fit of giggles, at which John just grinned and said he'd be back the next day, before apparating away.

Harry spent the rest of the evening browsing through the books he'd purchased in Flourish and Blotts. It was just a casual browse to see what might be interesting rather than an in depth study, but he decided that he would work all the way through the Potions primer and the histories as soon as possible, but that a lot of the other things, like the conjuration and transfiguration texts would have to wait until he was able to actually practice the spells themselves, rather than just the theory.

* * *

Once again, Harry had a nightmare-free night's sleep. A few of the dreams were a bit strange, and at one stage Harry had found himself back at Grimmauld Place, with Sirius pottering around the house, decorating and whistling, fully enjoying the Christmas that Harry and the Weasleys had spent with him at the Black house.

Harry assumed that he was still grieving for Sirius and remembering some of the good times they'd shared, but he didn't dwell on it too much when he awoke: he was much happier than when he'd been dreaming about Sirius falling through the veil at the Department of Mysteries.

After a short workout, which was beginning to get easier day-by-day as he got used to using the muscles required, and an equally brief breakfast, Harry pulled out some parchment and re-wrote his letters to Ron and Ginny. He'd written them out a couple of days ago and had intended to send them off with Pig, but he'd forgotten to attach them before Pig disappeared. He added some comments about the duelling and Occlumency he'd been doing with John and added a short note about going to Diagon Alley with Tonks. He wondered whether the twins had mentioned anything, and in fact whether they were home all that often, bearing in mind how busy they'd said they were.

Hedwig was as keen for the attention as ever, and pleased to have another delivery to take out. At least this wasn't as far as trying to find Luna in Sweden, Harry chuckled to himself, so Hedwig would probably be back from The Burrow later that day, especially if Ron and Ginny intended to reply using Pig. Hedwig hooted her disapproval at Harry's obvious concern for her getting lost again, and swooped out of the window before he could change his mind about letting her out on the delivery.

It was good to be able to communicate with his friends again, Harry considered. Last year's news blackout had really sapped his morale, especially when he'd found out that Dumbledore had forbidden Ron and Hermione from writing and telling him anything. Not only that, but this year he didn't even have to worry about Hedwig's comings and goings and how they would irritate Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia - he was able to leave his window fully open and allow the owl in and out as he, or more realistically Hedwig herself, pleased.

Since he had the morning to himself, Harry decided that he would take his first liberty in respect of the Dursleys and telephone Hermione. He could always get Tonks to change him some more galleons into sterling if he needed to, to cover the bill when it arrived, but he figured that he had plenty with him to cover it for the time being. He did wait a while before calling, since he wasn't sure what sort of time Hermione would be out of bed during the holidays. He assumed that her parents, since they both worked, would be up and about early in the morning on a Monday such as this, but he didn't want to phone up too early and disturb the household.

Ten o'clock came and went, and Harry felt it was safe enough to call. The phone rang quite a few times before he heard Hermione's voice at the end of the line.

"Hi there! Surprise!" Harry said, knowing that she wouldn't have been expecting him to call.

"Harry? What are you doing calling? Is everything all right?"

Harry thought it was ironic that Hermione thought he'd only call her if there was an emergency, but then in the past she probably would have been right. He wouldn't have wanted to have created a row with Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia, so he probably wouldn't have thought it worth while.

He explained about his relatives having gone away for the summer, presumably through some delicate persuation from Dumbledore and Mad-eye Moody, and all about his lessons with John Christopher.

Hermione was really interested in Harry's Occlumency lesson, especially when he compared it to Snape's for her so she knew what they had been like before. Like John, Hermione seemed to think that she needed to talk to Dumbledore about Harry's lessons with Snape, and Harry couldn't figure out why they were both of such a mind. Rather than get into an extended debate with Hermione about it, he decided he would ask John that afternoon.

They chatted for quite a while before Hermione decided that Harry didn't ought to be running up too large a bill, even if he was able to pay it off - it would be bound to annoy Aunt Petunia when she saw the cost of the call he'd made. They would have plenty of time to talk later in the week when Harry, Ron and Ginny went round to the Granger's.

It left Harry with quite a while before he was due to Floo to John's flat in Hogsmeade, so he picked out his new Potions primer and started studying it in advance of his next lesson. He found it really easy to read, which wasn't too surprising as it was effectively aimed at students who were starting their potions courses, rather than a fifteen year old who'd had five years of 'lessons'.

It was really very helpful to Harry though. There was so much about potion making that he didn't know and hadn't picked up from Snape. The majority of Snape's Potions lessons involved him writing the recipe on the board and then stalking around the classroom criticising what the students were doing, rather than any actual teaching about the potions themselves or the properties of the ingredients. It was only through extensive research in the library and the course text that Ron and Harry had managed to get through Potions for the preceding five years, although Harry was happy to admit that also meant extensive use of Hermione's notes and research rather than necessarily their own.

Having spent around an hour and a half reading the primer, Harry felt he had a better grip on the ingredients than he'd ever had after one of Snape's lessons, and he resolved to study the primer and the potions texts fully before the start of term, so that he would be able to answer Snape's snide questions.

Two o'clock came around quickly and Harry used his new Floo connection to get through to John's flat. Similarly to his previous duelling lesson there, John had him actively duel against him, so that he could judge what Harry's strengths and weaknesses were, and encourage him to think ahead and use a variety of spells that suited the occasion.

What Harry found was that he would start off fine, and the power of his spells and his natural agility meant that he could keep up with John without any problems for three or four minutes, but after that he began to run out of ideas, and started to tire as well, and John was able to disarm him fairly easily.

They discussed these weaknesses and, although John was impressed with the strength of Harry's spells individually, he pointed out that to last any length of time in a serious duel, where you life might be on the line, he would need to develop more stamina and a wider range of curses and hexes to use in different situations.

John was keen for Harry to use his imagination when thinking of spells to use while duelling, and as they worked through their duels afterwards, John would point out situations where Harry would have been better served using slightly different tactics, or gave him examples of curses that would have been more suited to the situation. At this stage though, he had Harry concentrate on using spells he was already familiar with, rather than teaching him any new ones to use.

By the time John called an end to the lesson, at around five o'clock, Harry was completely exhausted, and John was keen to see him get back to Privet Drive and relax for the evening. Harry did remember to ask the question that had been bugging him though.

"Why did you want to talk to Dumbledore about my Occlumency lessons with Snape?" he asked. "My friend Hermione said something similar when I spoke to her this morning, and I didn't understand what the two of you were getting at."

John looked a little uncomfortable about answering the question, but decided that Harry should know what was on his mind.

"You said that Dumbledore specifically appointed Professor Snape to teach you Occlumency," he began, "but I'm a little bit wary of trusting Dumbledore after what you've told me of those lessons, and I wanted to ask him some questions about it."

Harry was still unsure what John meant, and said so.

"What I mean is, the methods that Professor Snape used to attempt to teach you Occlumency were pretty counter-productive. That is, not just in retrospect, since we know that you weren't able to learn anything from him, but the methods were ... unorthodox ... to say the least. I wanted to know from Dumbledore whether he had asked Snape to use those methods."

Harry replied that the Headmaster had also been puzzled by Snape's technique for teaching Harry, and that seemed to be one of the reasons why he'd engaged John to help with Harry's Occlumency, rather than having Snape continue with the lessons, which had apparently been the initial plan.

John visibly relaxed at this news. "Good, well I'm glad we don't have to worry about trusting Dumbledore, though I have some nasty suspicions about Snape's motives."

Harry looked at him questioningly. It wasn't as though he'd ever trusted Snape himself, given the way that the Potions Professor had treated him over the past five years, but it was rare to hear another adult criticising his loyalty outright. Dumbledore had impressed upon the staff at Hogwarts and the members of the Order of the Phoenix that Snape was to be trusted implicitly, despite his history as one of Voldemort's Death Eaters, or any personal reservations they may have felt.

"I think that the methods Snape used to try and 'teach' you Occlumency were either very badly conceived," John explained, "or he was deliberately trying to weaken your mental defences rather than strengthen them."

"What?" Harry exclaimed. "What do you mean?"

John took a moment to calm Harry down, then responded in a carefully calm tone, trying to keep from exciting Harry's concerns even further.

"I've no proof of anything, Harry. I just find it extremely coincidental that, just as the Dark Lord is trying to gain access to your mind, Snape is supposedly training you to resist him, yet he uses a technique that is normally used only at a very high level of training, to forcibly gain access to the trainee's mind and specifically get them used to an onslaught of that type. Voldemort's attacks on you were much more subtle and insinuating that that." John shuddered at the use of the Dark Lord's chosen name, but put that behind him.

"Basically," he continued, "I think Snape's methods probably opened your mind to the extent that, even if you'd known the sensation of having the Dark Lord using Legilimancy on you, it would have been so subtle in comparison with what Snape had gotten you used to, that you wouldn't have been able to identify it anyway."

"So, you think that he was doing it on purpose, so that Voldemort had even easier access to my mind?" Harry asked.

"I don't know. Like I said I can't prove anything, but it certainly seems suspicious."

Harry frowned. As much as his hatred for Snape had developed from the way that he had treated Harry and his cohorts over the years rather than any particular reason to distrust him, like Ron he had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't to be trusted, despite Dumbledore's assurances to the contrary. He supposed that had developed from his first year, when he, Ron and Hermione had tagged Snape as the most likely suspect to be after the Philosopher's Stone simply because of his attitude, but in the intervening period he'd certainly not done anything that would earn him Harry's trust.

This latest suspicion was, if anything, just as tenuous as any of them, but Harry understood why John had drawn the conclusions he had. Harry didn't need another reason to hate the obnoxious Head of Slytherin House, but found that this seemed to provide yet further justification for his loathing.

"Should I ask Dumbledore about it?" Harry suggested.

"It's up to you, really," John advised. "I was more concerned that Dumbledore had specifically suggested this particular method, and that he might be suspect himself, but given your assurance that he too seemed disconcerted by Snape's actions, I'm inclined to believe he's trustworthy. I wouldn't get too close to Snape, mind," he warned.

"Not likely!" Harry responded explosively. "I wouldn't have had the lessons with Snape to begin with if I'd had a choice about it."

"Anyway, be careful around him," John cautioned. "If he still has ties to the Dark Lord he may seek to re-establish his attacks on your mind, and you should be prepared to resist him, physically if necessary, to protect your mind. Avoid him whenever possible."

Harry thought that was a fairly safe bet, given their past history, but another reason to avoid Snape wasn't going to hurt, and he decided that if the opportunity arose, he might ask Dumbledore what he knew about it, and perhaps why he'd agreed so easily that Harry ought to be taught Occlumency by someone else. Normally he'd've expected the Headmaster to insist that Snape was to be trusted entirely, and that Harry should do exactly what Dumbledore suggested. As John had intimated, it certainly did seem odd.

With this additional food for thought, a weary Harry used the Floo connection to return to Privet Drive, where he summoned up the energy to make himself dinner, and to make a list of shopping that he would need to do if he was going to be cooking for himself. The good part about it was that he could cook and buy his favourite foods, though the bad part was that he would have to buy the ingredients himself, and it was now that Harry was glad that he'd given Tonks so much money for him to change into Sterling, otherwise he'd be struggling to make ends meet by the end of the holiday.

Still, he considered, if the worst came to the worst he could always get someone to change some more galleons for him, thinking of the large pouchful that he'd obtained from his vault and how little of it he'd used, having the Gringotts quill with which to sign for his purchase in Diagon Alley. His initial plan had been to draw out a fair amount and spend it on himself and Tonks, but once he'd got the quill, there hadn't been any need to spend the Galleons he'd withdrawn.

For once, Harry didn't even think about doing any further studying before bed, or attempting any of the more taxing mind-clearing cantrips to set himself at rest. He was tired enough to be able to fall asleep without any assistance, and as soon as he'd undressed and his head hit the pillow he was away and asleep.


Author notes: Many thanks to Ash's broomstick for the review.

In Chapter 10: Harry finds himself in the news again.