The Lost Generation (1975-1982)

The Lost Generation

(1975-1982)

Chapter Three

Premeditation

Tuesday, 21 January, 1976

Lily eyed Remus, sitting on the other side of the Transfiguration classroom. He was sitting with James, Sirius and Peter around him as though he was using them as human shields. He’d been avoiding her since they’d all returned from the Christmas break, even though they’d almost--

“Miss Evans!” Professor McGonagall said sternly. Lily looked up in alarm, then down at the table where she was sitting; she had failed to notice that her quill had trailed off the edge of her parchment and was doodling hearts on the old, scratched wood writing surface. It did not look remotely like the O.W.L. information Professor McGonagall had been writing on the chalkboard. Reddening, Lily pulled out her wand and cleaned the desk quickly, trying not to catch Cecilia’s eye; Cecilia was still under the impression that Lily was crushing on Sirius Black, in spite of the rather severe hexes she had put on him after his incompetent pass the previous April. She hadn’t said anything to Cecilia about Remus.

The Thompson twins turned in unison and gave Lily a disdainful look; they always had perfectly neat notes in a cramped, small hand that was as identical as the two of them. Lily fought the urge to stick her tongue out at the backs of their heads when they turned forward again. She still did that at home sometimes, when Petunia wasn’t looking, but there were more people to see her here, and she was a prefect. That, of course, was yet another reason why Moira and Myra Thompson did not care for her. She also had the distinct impression that Cecilia resented her for being the girl in their year named prefect. She sighed for a moment, stealing a look at the boys.

None of James’ friends seemed to resent him being a prefect. The four of them were practically joined at the hip. Not for the last time, she wondered what they’d gotten up to those three nights running when she’d been checking their dorm, so she could talk to Remus.

Remus....

She remembered being in the common room with him just before the holiday, under the Invisibility Cloak. Sometimes she thought she might have imagined it; that she might have imagined his hands against her skin, his mouth on hers, the low growl in his throat that had sent a thrill through her, the knowledge that she was driving him mad. He was driving her mad too, in a way she never suspect she could be driven mad before the previous November. Suddenly, under the cloak on the hearthrug in the middle of the night, she felt as though she were consumed by him, as though she couldn’t touch enough of his skin, as she opened his pajama shirt and moved her lips down to his chest....

And then that first year boy had blundered down into the common room and gone running back upstairs in fright. It had brought them to their senses; they had awkwardly dressed themselves again and walked carefully, both of them under the cloak, to the curving stairs leading to the girls’ dorms, going half-way up the first flight very carefully, then sitting down on the steps next to each other, huddled together, listening for--something.

She had watched Remus in the strange light filtering through the cloak from the torches on the curving walls. He seemed to be listening, his eyes narrowed, but Lily couldn’t hear a thing. He was frowning, looking upset. Sweat had broken out on his brow again and she longed to tenderly wipe it with her hand, kiss away his cares....She didn’t hear anything until the boys arrived in the common room. Then she heard them discussing whether to ask the Fat Lady about people leaving Gryffindor Tower. Lily had grasped Remus’ wrist very hard; if the guardian of the threshold of their house confirmed that no one had left, would the boys be brave enough (or foolhardy enough) to try the girls’ dorms?

Lily sat very still, waiting, wondering. When she looked at Remus she saw an expression in his eyes that made her catch her breath. It seemed her heart had stopped; the love she saw there was frightening, awe-inspiring. To be loved so fiercely--for the best word she could think of for his overall expression was ‘fierce’--was unsettling, and not a little scary. She still wasn’t completely certain where she stood on the matter, whether she wanted to be with Remus or Severus, but as he started kissing her neck again she felt that there was quite a lot to recommend Remus....

She gasped, holding him to her, as his mouth sent shivers running up her spine. His hands had slipped under her nightdress and were moving up her legs, raising goose-pimples as they progressed higher and higher. Suddenly she had a thought--a sobering, bracing thought. I could have a baby. She looked at Remus, wide-eyed. Then she leaned forward and whispered this concern in his ear. He drew back and looked at her with a very alarmed expression.

“You haven’t taken the potion then?”

“Potion?”

He drew back a little more, which was all he could do, as they were both under the cloak still.

“Go--go see Madam Pomfrey. Tell her what you want. She doesn’t ask stupid questions, don’t worry. Sirius told me.”

“Sirius!” she said, but a second later she knew there was no call to be shocked. Yes. Sirius. I should have known.

“You--you should go back to bed, Lily. Before we--we do something we--”

Remus had started shaking again, beads of sweat flying from his brow. Lily had noticed how calm he was when they were in contact with each other, how touching and kissing her had somehow centered him, made him focussed and strangely in control of himself (while this made her feel entirely unfocussed and out-of-control). None of his advances seemed awkward or unsure, oddly enough. There was a confidence in all of his actions that wasn’t suggested by his quivering when they weren’t touching. What’s wrong with him? she had wondered yet again. And if physical contact of this sort makes it better, why hasn’t he sought it out before?” But then she realized how awkward that could be, to ask for someone’s touch for medical reasons.

“Are you certain, Remus?” she had whispered, reaching out her hand to caress his cheek, feeling the soft growth that had already sprouted there. He groaned when she touched him, closing his eyes and leaning into her hand, unable to stop himself from touching his lips to her palm, the inside of her wrist, the soft skin on the inside of her forearm, the crook of her elbow....

Lily gasped as his lips traveled up her arm; she felt her control slipping away, and found herself thinking I need to be in control all of the time WHY?

But then Remus wrenched himself away from her as though it required a superhuman effort.

“Go back to bed, Lily!” he choked out before rising and running back down the stairs. She was no longer covered by the cloak and she couldn’t see him, although she heard his feet pattering down the stairs....

The bell rang and Lily looked up as though waking from a deep sleep. The other students were packing their bags and chattering about what they wanted for lunch. Lily packed her rucksack slowly, under the disapproving gaze of Professor McGonagall. She tried to slink out of the room fast on the heels of Moira and Myra, but Professor McGonagall was not going to let this happen.

“Miss Evans, may I see you please?”

Lily turned slowly, her stomach clenching within her, and not with hunger. She heard the other students’ footsteps disappearing down the corridor, walking toward blessed freedom, while she was faced with her rather humorless-looking Transfiguration teacher and head-of-house. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Professor McGonagall’s lips go so thin.

But as Professor McGonagall looked grimly at Lily, her expression slowly softened. “Lily, your mind was not on your work today.” Lily looked sheepish.

“I’m--I’m sorry Professor. I’ll--I’ll get the notes from James, in case I missed anything.”

Professor McGonagall was looking at her more kindly now. “How is your mother, Lily? I do hope you had a nice visit with your family during the holidays. If there is ever anything you wish to discuss--”

Lily mostly wanted to discuss ways she could manage to drop into a hole in the floor, preferably one that led down to the dungeons where someone should be banished for thinking about boys instead of a poor dying mother....No, she immediately corrected her thought. Mum is not dying. She looked up at Professor McGonagall, swallowing.

“Yes, the holiday was fine. Mum is feeling a little better. She was home, so we were able to have a normal Christmas,” she told Professor McGonagall. If normal is everyone walking on eggshells all of the time and never daring to say the words ‘sick’ or ‘dying,’ let alone ‘cancer’ or ‘chemotherapy.’

“Good, good. Perhaps you will soon be able to devote your full attention to your studies again,” she said now, a little sterner, looking over her square-rimmed spectacles at the abnormally tall girl.

Lily kept wishing and wishing for that hole in the floor, but none appeared. “Yes ma’am,” she said meekly.

“Now off to lunch with you!” she said, shooing Lily out the door and turning back to her desk to collect her own things. Lily didn’t need to be told twice; she bolted from the room and then ran flat-out down the corridor to the stairs. When she reached the Great Hall she was out of breath and the only place left to sit at the Gryffindor table was between Sirius and James.

She gritted her teeth and sat, ignoring Sirius’ presence, turning to James and saying, “I think I missed some things during class. Can I borrow your Transfiguration notes later?”

He looked wide-eyed and alarmed for some reason. He’d just taken a bite of shepherd’s pie and the mashed potatoes were clearly visible through his open mouth. Lily made a face and reached out and pushed his jaw upward with a snap. He came to his senses and swallowed his food.

“Er, yes, of course. Fine. Except--they’re rather a mess. Very disorganized. Let me copy them over for you first.” She saw that his Transfiguration copybook was sitting on the table, next to his plate.

“I’m sure it’s fine. I’ve managed to make out your handwriting before--”

“No!” he screamed suddenly, snatching the book away from her reach. Everyone around them stared. “Er, I mean--no. I don’t want to put you through that. Really. I don’t mind copying them over for you.”

Lily looked suspiciously at the book. “What’s in that book, James Potter?” she said softly, her face very close to his.

James glanced over his shoulder and Lily glanced too; he seemed to be looking in the direction of the Hufflepuff table. Bonnie. Right. I should have known, Lily thought. She gave him a conspiratorial smile.

“If you’ve been writing some love-poetry or something for Bonnie, I promise not to laugh,” she whispered to him. “I could even look it over for you. I swear I won’t say a word to her. It’ll be a total surprise. Are you working on something for Valentine’s Day?”

James looked frozen for a moment, then abruptly, his facial features came to life again. “Yes! That’s it. But no! I mean--” He dropped his voice. “I’d be too embarrassed for anyone to look at it,” he whispered back. “It’s--it’s really dreadful. Needs a lot of work. Please--just let me copy over the notes for you. All right?”

Lily smiled at him; his ears were red under his messy black hair and he suddenly looked very young to her, like a ten-year-old with his first crush. “I promise not to say anything to Bonnie. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled with whatever you give her. What girl wouldn’t want a boy to write her a love poem?”

James smiled feebly, scooping more food onto his fork. “Right. What girl wouldn’t want that?” he mumbled before filling his mouth again.

Lily hadn’t taken any food yet; she didn’t feel very hungry. However, they had Double Potions with the Slytherins that afternoon, and she knew that if she didn’t eat something the potion she was brewing would likely start to look tempting before long. She reached for a chicken leg and as she was placing it on her plate, she raised her eyes and met Remus Lupin’s gaze across the table.

What girl wouldn’t want that....?

She lowered her eyes again, sinking her teeth into the chicken, trying not to choke on it, hoping she could convince it to stay in her stomach. Remus, Remus....What’s wrong with me? Why do you hold me and kiss me and look at me like you love me--and then ignore me?

As soon as she’d returned from the holiday, she’d gone to see Madam Pomfrey. She’d hemmed and hawed about why she’d come to see her, looking for bruises or scratches on her arms or legs, but she was surprisingly unmarked for someone who did tend to stumble and fall over her great feet quite a lot. Finally she had tried a different excuse for coming to the infirmary.

“Actually, I’m here because of--um--my monthly--um--”

“Aaah--” Madam Pomfrey breathed in understanding. She was shocked by how squeamish some of the girls were about discussing this--especially the Muggle-born girls. She clucked as she came to sit next to Lily on the side of the infirmary bed. Poor thing...she probably had such a backward upbringing....

“Except--” Lily went on, “--it’s actually--I’m really here to find out how--well--to keep on having my monthly--er--what I mean is--”

“Ooooh!” Madam Pomfrey said again. She was afraid of getting pregnant. Well, it was not for nothing that Hogwarts had been a coeducational boarding school for a thousand years. Most Muggle institutions, she knew, had been single-sex schools until very recently, and quite a number still were. She, on the other hand, was an old hand at giving out a certain potion and turning a blind eye. She knew that teenagers will be teenagers, and it was best to be realistic and do what was necessary to prevent accidents...

“I know just what you need, my dear,” she said, patting Lily’s knee briskly, then rising and disappearing into her office. Lily bit her lip, panic rising in her chest. She considered bolting, but Madam Pomfrey was back very quickly; evidently, it was very easy for her to lay her hands on what she needed.

She handed Lily a corked vial with an amber liquid in it. “Prophylaxis Potion. Lasts six months. That’s a year’s worth right there. Two doses. Will that suit you? You’re lucky. This is a good time to get it. You can just remember to have more right at the beginning of January next year.”

Lily looked at her, terrified. This felt so--so premeditated. And the matron was being so matter-of-fact about it all. If Lily did this, she would be changed forever. But I almost already was changed forever, she remembered, trying to think whether she loathed or loved the first year boys for intruding on her and Remus. And if it happens again....there will be one less thing to worry about....one less thing to stop us....

She uncorked the vial and some wispy smoke emerged from the neck of the bottle. Madam Pomfrey looked urgent now.

“Drink it quickly. Don’t let the vapor dissipate.”

Lily looked at her again, wide-eyed, then back at the vial. She took a deep breath and put it to her lips, tipping her head back quickly, remembering how her father would take a shot of whiskey after returning home from seeing her mother, when her mum was undergoing radiation....

“Good girl,” Madam Pomfrey told her, taking the empty vial, which was still smoking. “No chance of any--accidents, eh?”

Lily felt her blush break out on her face like hives. No, no accidents here. She tried to smile at the matron, but the taste of the potion had been the vilest thing that had ever passed her lips. She licked her lips uncertainly, wondering how many days it would be before the disgusting flavor stopped making her remember the stuff. Evidently, she was not successful at hiding her opinion of the potion’s taste.

“Oh, what a face!” Madam Pomfrey chuckled. Lily scowled; just what she needed, the matron laughing at her. “I’m sorry dear, I usually bring out the other potion at the same time and I forgot.”

She returned to her office and returned with another vial; this one was a small and brown with a long cork. Madam Pomfrey opened it and poured some viscous tan potion into a spoon. Lily was torn between being nervous about taking something else Madam Pomfrey wanted to give her and being disappointed that it was only a spoonful--how was that little bit going to take away the horrid, disgusting taste, when she’d had an entire vial of the other stuff?

But she obediently opened her mouth and let Madam Pomfrey put the spoon past her lips; she was immediately pleasantly surprised by a lovely warmth spreading through her limbs, and her mouth was filled not by the taste of the vile Prophylaxis Potion, but a succession of flavors. She could swear she was eating some delicious, creamy tomato soup; long after she knew she had swallowed the contents of the spoon, she could still taste it in her mouth and even feel it flowing down her throat. That was followed by the unmistakable flavor of juicy, tender roast beef and a baked potato with a crispy skin and sweet creamy butter....finally, she tasted the most wonderful blueberry pie with fresh whipped cream. It--it felt so real. She swallowed and looked up at Madam Pomfrey in amazement. The matron looked rather smug.

“There you go! Isn’t that much better?” Lily nodded, her eyes wide. Madam Pomfrey sniffed. “Perfectly good bad-taste antidote potion and he had to go and try to turn it into chewing gum...” She was bustling around again as though she’d forgotten Lily was there.

“Who?” Lily asked quietly.

“Will--oh, never mind,” Madam Pomfrey said, flustered, having begun to answer and thinking better of it. “You go on now, and no more worries. If you have any questions, feel free to return. I, ah, have some books which you may find to be helpful....”

Lily blushed. The idea of coming to Madam Pomfrey for anything else connected to this was appalling (although she was glad that even if she did come back, she could ask for books, instead of being subjected to face-to-face advice).

“Thank you. I’ll remember that.”

After she left, Madam Pomfrey shook her head while straightening up her office. She hoped the poor girl wasn’t going to get her heart broken. That was often the way, the first time. At least, she reasoned, even if she did choose the wrong boy, she wouldn’t have to worry about a baby on top of all that.

* * * * *

Remus didn’t look at her all through lunch. Lily sighed and shouldered her rucksack, falling into step beside Cecilia, who was looking cross with her again. Lily decided not to speak to her; she wasn’t interested in getting into a row just before a long class and feeling out of sorts during the entire afternoon. Remus and now James were already making her feel out of sorts, she didn’t need Cecilia to make things worse. Why did she always feel so alone?

They filed into the Potions dungeon and went to their work stations; Severus Snape was already at the station he shared with Lily Evans. He started to smile at her as she approached, then shyly looked down at his text instead, averting his eyes from her. She heaved another sigh as she sat and removed her text and parchment and quills from her bag, her loneliness threatening to completely overwhelm her. I’m not an overgrown baby, she told herself sternly. I will not cry because I feel like I don’t have any real friends....

She kept her eyes doggedly on her parchment as she wrote down what the Potions Master was writing on the chalkboard, trying to ignore the presence of Severus beside her. Finally, she looked up at his profile; he was bent over his own parchment, intent on his work, and she wondered again how a boy could seem so unmistakably to like her and yet want nothing to do with her at the very same time.

Suddenly he turned and met her gaze, and for the moment when their eyes locked, Lily felt a spark of hope. But then the professor began to speak again, and Severus abruptly turned his face to the front, and when they pulled out their cauldrons and began brewing the potion of the day, he managed to be constantly staring into the cauldron, or at measuring cups, or into flagons of this extract or that....He always managed to have somewhere to look other than at her.

She turned from him and focussed on her own work, working with her usual precision, getting that satisfying feeling from everything coming together just right, producing the desired result.

When it was late afternoon, their potions had all been simmering long enough, and the professor sent the Thompson twins round with flasks for everyone to store their potions. Lily poured her decoction into her flask very carefully, trying not to tip the funnel, then magically glued a piece of parchment on the side with her name, year, house, and the name of the potion on the side. Next, Igor Karkaroff came round with a tray to collect everyone’s flasks. As she placed hers on the tray, Lily shivered under Karkaroff’s gaze; she didn’t like him at all and avoided sitting near him at prefects’ meetings whenever she could. She knew that he also frequently made life difficult for Severus. She saw Severus stiffen and glare at Karkaroff when he noticed the way he was looking at Lily, and Lily felt a small bit of satisfaction inside. Then she looked up and noticed that Sirius was also bristling, noticing both Karkaroff and Snape.

She also noticed that Remus was shaking and sweating again, leaning on his worktable, looking as though he might faint any second; his eyes were dilated so that they looked almost completely black, and there was that red flash again....

The bell rang for the end of class, and as they were filing out, Lily touched Remus’ arm and said softly to him, “Can I talk to you?” He swallowed, then looked down where she’d touched him. He nodded mutely and followed her into the corridor. He was very pale.

When the other students had filed up the stairs and left them standing in the corridor alone, Lily said nervously, “This way,” hoping she would remember the way she had been told. She led them down one corridor, then another, then hesitated, feeling lost. Remus put his hand on her arm.

“I know a place,” he said hoarsely, directing her to a tapestry which, when lifted, revealed a hidden corridor leading to a single door, the door for which she’d been searching. She tried to open it, to no avail. He stepped forward, however, and pulled it open with no problem.

They both entered; even as he did so, he thought, We shouldn’t be here. It’s too risky. We might-- He didn’t even want to think about what they might do. And yet--it was all he’d been thinking about in the previous twenty-four hours. He knew this was a place some students sometimes came at night; he knew what they did here. He had never entered the room, though he had guarded the entrance more than once (for Sirius). Both he and Lily looked around now, wondering how many students had been here, how many assignations had taken place in this hidden corner of the castle....

Although the chief distinguishing characteristics of the room were stacks of books and cauldrons festooned by cobwebs, some enterprising person had transfigured a table (or just chopped off its legs) so that it was bed-height, and conjured some cushions and a coverlet for it (the coverlet was the only surface in the room not covered with dust and cobwebs, attesting to its frequent use). Some dim light shone down from a high barred window, but it was otherwise dark.

Remus swallowed, looking at Lily, his heart beating painfully fast. We shouldn’t be here, he thought. We shouldn’t--

But now Lily was doing the last thing he expected: she was crying. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. He stared at her in surprise, wondering what had brought this on.

“Do you--do you hate me, Remus?” she managed to finally say, after several false starts.

His jaw dropped. “Lily! Of--of course not! You’re--you’re one of my best friends--” He winced then; oh, that sounded wonderful. Best friends.

“It’s just that--last month, just before the holidays, and the month before that, we--we--”

He nodded. “I--I know. Listen, Lily, there’s something I have to tell you....” He looked at her dear, dear face, the tears streaming down it, her enormous green eyes. Tell her, his brain screamed. Tell her and get it over with.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t bear the thought of the fear and revulsion he knew he would see on her face when she found out. Telling his mates was different. None of them were considering being intimate with him. They could all change into their Animagus forms and be safe with him. Lily isn’t safe with me, he knew. And then he also knew that he couldn’t tell her the truth--not the complete truth.

“I’ve--I’ve got a problem. I contracted a kind of illness when I was young, and--and every so often it makes me feel--makes me feel kind of insane. It makes me want--want--”

She watched his face carefully, the truth dawning on her. Oh. It’s a disease. He doesn’t really want ME--he wants ANYONE. Her face dropped when she realized what was going on. That explained it. That explained a lot. Why else would he seem so intent on being with her sometimes, and avoiding her other times?

And yet--when he lifted his eyes to her again, the desire and emotion she saw there seemed so genuine. She caught her breath upon seeing it. Maybe--maybe if she helped him, she thought. Maybe he’d come round....

She blushed at the thought. This was very different now than what she’d envisioned. She hadn’t imagined treating this like a medical cure of some kind, some clinical encounter with a goal in mind other than physically demonstrating their love. But maybe--maybe if she did help him--

“Remus,” she said softly. “When we were together in the common room, both times, I noticed--I noticed that I made you a little calmer. You’re--you’re right. We are friends. Maybe--if you’d like--I could help you with this problem. As--as a friend.”

There. She’d said it. She felt her face burning, hoping he didn’t think she was a dreadful person. She wanted to say, I love you Remus. Please love me too... She wanted this to be so different, but perhaps that would come with time....

Remus stared at her. Had he heard what he thought he had heard? Did he possibly have the opportunity to be with the angel of his dreams, who was now offering to be an angel of mercy? She was walking toward him, shaking nervously, and when she was standing right in front of him, his senses started to go into overdrive. She had only to touch his arm lightly with her hand and he pulled her to him, seeking her mouth hungrily, pulling at her lips, and when she slid her arms around his neck and opened her mouth under his he felt something in him collapse at last, the wall which separated him from others, which prevented him from experiencing this last intimacy....

He slid his mouth down her neck, feeling her pulse, teasing it with his teeth and hearing her sharp intake of breath. He was calm again, purposeful, working somehow with a sixth sense that didn’t come from any experience but something bone-deep and ancient, urging him on....

“Just so you know,” she whispered in his ear, her voice sounding very loud to him, “I’ve been to Madam Pomfrey for that potion.” He pulled back from her; in the darkness, others would not have been able to see her expression, but with his wolf’s eyes he could see the look of complete trust on her face, and--love? How could she love him? No, he thought. You’re just being delusional. She said she was doing this as a friend. Don’t go making more of it than--

“Ah!” he cried out as her hands made tentative contact with him. He reached for her again, pulling her against his body roughly, and they tumbled onto the makeshift bed. As each garment was removed, Remus felt calmer and more in control, and Lily felt more and more agitated and out of control. He caressed and kissed her, tasting every bit of skin he could, and her breathing became faster and faster, until she could wait no longer, and she pulled him to her, her intentions completely clear.

Remus had never felt so at peace with the world; being one with Lily was amazing. He felt both strong and weak, elated and sad. Somehow, it didn’t matter that these conflicting emotions were rolling through him; they cancelled each other out and left a serenity in their wake that was suddenly interrupted by an ecstasy so intense that he had to clamp his mouth to her neck to stifle his cry.

She uttered her own cry of surprise, closing her eyes, then opening them again, her hands grasping his upper arms convulsively. As she tumbled to earth, trying to get her breath, she became aware of a stickiness in her hair, near her ear. She put her hand on her neck and Remus’s sharp eyes could see that it came away red.

He pulled away from her, horrified. I’ve bitten her. “Oh, Lily! I’m--I’m so sorry!” he stammered. He found his wand and lit it, getting a better view of the dark red stain on her neck and hand. It was a good thing I didn’t pierce her jugular! And then he saw that his fingers had left bruises on her arms and legs, and he saw scratches on her hip, and on one breast.....He hadn’t realized he’d been so rough with her. It was a matter, he supposed, of not realizing his own strength. He felt like dying. I’ve hurt Lily. He’d been careless and let himself go and now....

But she was being very calm about it. They were lying on top of their Hogwarts robes; she reached into the pile of Muggle clothes on the floor, looking for her wand. She quickly dealt with the wound on her neck, and cleaned the blood from her hand and hair. Remus watched her do this, feeling dreadful.

“It’s all right, really,” she said shakily.

Thank goodness I’m in my human form, he thought. He hoped that the bite, the scratches and the bruises were the worst of it. What if he had broken some of her bones? How would they explain that to Madam Pomfrey, let alone Professor McGonagall? What if--

“Remus,” Lily was whispering now, reaching out her hand to him. “How do you feel?”

“How do I feel? I feel--Oh, Lily. I’ve never felt so--so--”

She smiled in the dark. “Me too. I mean--do you feel calmer?”

He closed his eyes and thought about this, and discovered that he really was utterly serene now. He wasn’t sweating or shaking, he didn’t feel as though his blood was racing through his veins at ten times the normal speed, that his heart was running away with him. “Yes. I feel--I feel fine,” he whispered back, a huge understatement. She took his wand and extinguished the light, then put both wands back on the floor with their clothes. She reached her hand out to him again, beckoning him, and he obeyed, lying by her side, holding her, feeling that smooth skin under his fingers once more, trying not to think of the bruises he’d caused. He looked at her well-loved face in the dark, knowing that she didn’t suspect that he could see her quite clearly. He wanted so much to tell her his feelings. He was already so in love with her, and now--now she had done this wonderful thing--

But it wasn’t because she loved him, he reminded himself. In a way, it was, because it was her love for him as a friend. But it wasn’t the kind of love he wanted from her....He swallowed, continuing to watch her, holding her to him.

Lily listened to his breathing as he fell asleep, knowing that she was changed forever. He had been rougher than she had expected, at times, and then unexpectedly gentle at others. She felt overwhelmed, processing all of the new sensations and desires. But although he had finally opened himself up to her this way, she could feel that there was still a part of him that he withheld from her. Can’t you love me with your heart too, Remus? she thought as she put her hand on his bare chest, feeling the rhythm of his life beneath her palm. It will happen, she told herself firmly. Give it time. Give him time.

It will happen.

* * * * *

Bill put his goblet down after taking a long swig of pumpkin juice, washing down a very large dinner. He felt very sleepy now, with his full tummy, and wished he didn’t have to write a yard-long History of Magic parchment, due in the morning. At least I’m not in fifth year yet, he thought, listening to the things the older students were doing to prepare for the O.W.L.s.

Across the table, Cecilia Ratkowski, Lily’s friend, was saying to James Potter, “Where’s Lily? Did you see where she went after Potions? We were going to meet in the library before dinner, but she never showed up.”

James looked up and down the table, frowning. “I don’t know where she went. Did you see where Remus went? He doesn’t seem to be here either.”

Bill pricked up his ears. Did that mean anything? Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t. But--Sirius Black had a look on his face that might mean it did mean something....

James stood and announced, “I’m going to go look for them.”

Sirius pulled him down and hissed at him, “Leave them alone.” When he suddenly met Bill’s gaze and scowled at him, Bill ducked his head; grotty ickle firsties weren’t supposed to eavesdrop on fifth-years.

“What do you mean? They’ve missed dinner. They’ll be hungry. I’m just going to--”

But Sirius muttered something in James’ ear, something which made the prefect go bright red.

“Oh,” James said softly, swallowing. “Are you sure?”

“Well, I’m not entirely, but I’ve put two and two together and come up with--two. If you know what I mean.”

James nodded, still red. “Right.”

Bill looked down quickly again before Sirius could send another glare his way. Why was James Potter being so queer about his friends? he wondered. After all, he’d been in the common room with his Hufflepuff girlfriend. Bill saw Bonnie smile and wave at James now, across the Great Hall. James smiled back and gave a small wave. Sirius nudged him.

“You and Bonnie have plans tonight?”

James grimaced. “Just to meet in the library to do homework. Stop looking like that Sirius! I’m not kidding. It’s not code for something else. The trouble is--there’s something I need to get--”

He looked furtively around, and Bill now tried to look very interested in the crumbs from his chocolate cake. James’ voice had dropped; Bill strained to hear what he was saying above the hubbub of the Great Hall.

“--from a certain place, for which I need a certain product from Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Prongs. Trouble is, I think Remus has just what I need....”

Sirius nodded. “Right,” he whispered. “I gave it to him this morning. He sometimes feels the need to go off alone the day before. You know. He can use it to make sure no one sneaks up on him.”

Bill tried not to look as interested in this as he really was. The day before what? And what sort of object didn’t allow people to sneak up on you? he wondered. He didn’t think it was the Invisibility Cloak that he knew James Potter owned. And he had no idea who Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Wormtail or Mr. Prongs were. He’d ask Alex later. If anyone knew, it was Alex.

Dinner was over and the students started moving off toward the entrance hall and up the marble stairs to their dormitories, except for the Slytherins, who went down to the dungeons to reach theirs.

Lily awoke in utter darkness, disoriented, wondering where she was. Moving her hands down, she realized to her horror that she wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. Then she felt Remus’ hot breath on her neck and remembered. She shook him.

“Remus!” she hissed. “Wake up! We can’t stay down here. Oh, I hope it isn’t too late at night....If Filch catches us trying to get back into Gryffindor Tower....”

She fumbled for her wand and lit it. The small light was just strong enough to show both of their pale bodies, and she noticed now the bruises that Remus had caused in his passion. She swallowed. Should she go to Madam Pomfrey? she wondered. The matron might try to find out who had done it. She might get Remus in trouble. And her parents might find out. That was the last thing she needed. Lily hadn’t even noticed him giving her the bruises, just as she hadn’t been immediately aware of his biting her; she was too caught up in what they were doing.

Then she had the opportunity to look at Remus, and she caught her breath, wishing now that she’d been able to see him earlier. Her first thought was that he was beautiful, which she knew men didn’t want to hear, but her second thought was that he looked like she’d done him far more damage than he’d done her. Then she touched the marks on his arms and chest, realizing that they were old, that she couldn’t have done that to him. What have you been through, Remus? she wondered. She brushed his hair tenderly from his face and tried to wake him again by leaning over and gently kissing him.

“Remus. Remus.”

His eyes finally opened, just a little at first. Then they flew open in shock, and Lily realized that he was probably just as surprised as she had been.

He gazed at her. So beautiful.... His sharp intake of breath made her flush, so that her flesh was no longer pale, but taking on a rosy glow. She didn’t move to cover herself, and Remus didn’t either. He reached his hand up to her face, cupping her cheek in his hand, glad that they felt so natural around each other now, that they could just be together like this without embarrassment or scrambling to throw on clothes. He had never dreamed it would be possible for him to feel so at peace before the full moon. He felt like he was reborn, and it was all because of her.

“Remus, what time is it?” Lily, however, did not sound relaxed. She seemed quite agitated.

He leaned over the side of their “bed,” fumbling amongst his clothes to find the watch he’d removed. When he located it he held it near her wandlight so he could see it.

“Seven-fifteen.”

Her jaw dropped. “We’ve been here all night? Oh, no--we’re going to be in so much trouble--”

He sat up now and took her hands, never having felt more calm and collected. “No, Lily, I think it’s seven-fifteen at night. Dinner probably ended about forty-five minutes ago. We’re fine. If we get back to the common room by nine or ten no one will care. Don’t worry. Let’s get dressed.”

When they were wearing their clothes again, Remus said, “Wait. Before we go, there’s something I want to check.” He pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket and spread it on the bed, directing Lily to hold her wandlight over it so he could see it adequately. She frowned.

“What’s--”

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he pronounced carefully, waving his wand over the parchment. Slowly, the map of Hogwarts that he had helped create started spreading over the parchment. Lily Evans’ mouth was hanging open in amazement.

“How--when--how--my god, Remus! This is--this is absolutely brilliant!” She picked up the map and held it before her, her eyes scanning over it rapidly. “And look! There are names!”

He laughed, taking the parchment from her gently. “I know, Lily. I helped create it.”

“You!”

“And James and Sirius and Peter.”

“But--but where on earth did you find out about how to enchant a piece of parchment so it would do this?”

Remus watched the wonder on her face, enjoying her reaction. “Well, you know James’ Invisibility Cloak? It’s also rather useful for looking into the books in the Restricted Section of the library late at night...”

“Remus!”

He laughed. “Oh, don’t be so shocked. You knew we’d been getting up to mischief for the last five years.”

“Yes, but I had no idea how much mischief, or what kind. The Restricted Section!”

You still have no idea, he thought ruefully. He waved the map. “Well, our rule-breaking produced this. And this will help us get to the kitchens for a bit of food, then back up to Gryffindor Tower without running into a single person. Well worth it, I think.”

She laughed now, sitting and shaking her head. “If the four of you applied yourselves as much to your schoolwork--”

“--we wouldn’t have the time to devote to truly interesting and useful pieces of wizardry, like this map.”

She grinned at him and he smiled back at her in the dim light from her wand. His eyes were their usual hazel again, and he had a charming dimple in his left cheek when he smiled. She caught her breath, marveling at what they had done again. She swallowed, still gazing at him. Then she couldn’t resist voicing her thoughts.

“You have such a nice smile,” she whispered.

But that made the smile disappear. She felt her heart sink into her shoes. He reached out and touched her neck, where he’d bitten her. “Are you sure you’re all right, Lily?”

She nodded soberly. “You just--you were very enthusiastic,” she said softly.

He grimaced, then looked down at the map again. There were some Slytherins passing through the corridor where the tapestry hung that obscured the passage leading to this room. After those students passed, they were finally able to leave and make their way to the kitchens. The house-elves waited on them hand and foot for a while (Lily could never get used to that) and then they used several secret passages to reach the corridor where the Fat Lady guarded the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. They entered separately, first Lily, Remus fifteen minutes later.

When he entered, Lily was nowhere in sight. He joined James, Sirius and Peter near the fire, explaining that he had needed to go off alone, since he was feeling slightly ill before the full moon, but he was feeling much better now. Peter nodded and asked him whether he’d done his Transfiguration essay, and could he copy some of it, while James and Sirius exchanged significant glances that Remus didn’t like. He turned the map over to James before going up to bed. It was a strange sensation, sleeping in his own bed the night before the full moon without feeling ill with desire; he lay back and closed his eyes, thinking of Lily as he drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

On the other side of Remus’ closed bed hangings, the large black dog sniffed the air quite a lot, and then he seemed to nod. He knew that smell. Suddenly, the dog changed into a black-haired teenage boy, looking grimly at the closed hangings.

“Please don’t hurt her,” he whispered to his sleeping friend, before returning to his own bed, where he tossed sleeplessly for hours before finally succumbing to exhaustion.

* * * * *

Tuesday, 21 April, 1976

Bill sighed. He hated Herbology. It just seemed to drag on and on and on. No matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to get interested in taking care of the plants in the greenhouses. He could answer any questions Professor Sprout put to him about spleenwort or bloodwort or St. John’s wort, but he just could not be interested in the plants in anything other than an academic capacity.

It didn’t help that it was just over two weeks since he had returned from the Burrow for the Easter holiday, and a fresh wave of homesickness was washing over him. He missed talking to Charlie at night, he missed Annie and Peggy, he missed his dad, and most of all, he missed his mum. He was her right hand, especially now that she was so far along with the baby....

It had been something of a shock to get the owl at the end of February about the new baby coming. He would have another little brother or sister in early September, not long after Annie’s birthday. Poor baby, he thought. September birthday. Because of Annie’s birthday being on the first, when they always started school, hers was always celebrated before the end of August, and then on the day itself--nothing. Bill thought he would find that pretty depressing, but Annie didn’t seem to mind, as she received her presents early. He had remembered about a month after he’d started school that he’d forgotten to say anything to her about her birthday on the day itself, since he was starting Hogwarts and was understandably distracted. When I’m a dad, he thought, I’ll make sure none of my kids are born around the first of September.

His birthday was in early January, so he’d received his presents during the Christmas holiday, as usual. That’s another thing I won’t do when I have kids, he thought. No kid should be born so close to Christmas that the two events get lumped together. Christmas presents should be Christmas presents and birthday presents should be birthday presents, and never the twain shall meet. Charlie was lucky; his birthday was on Valentine’s Day, but he always had a proper birthday anyway because Valentine’s Day just wasn’t the same as Christmas.

He heaved another sigh and checked his watch; in ten minutes the bell would ring for lunch and he’d be out of the bloody greenhouse and eating in the Great Hall. All around him, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs in his year were writing down information about Devil’s Snare and trying to avoid getting too close to the specimen Professor Sprout was showing them; she had caused the frosted roof panels in the greenhouse to go pitch black, blocking the sun, so they could see what the plant was like when it wasn’t inhibited. When she ended the spell on the roof panels and the plant shriveled back into its oversized pot again, the boy sitting next to Bill whistled through his teeth, impressed. Bill didn’t know him very well; he was the boy whose name hadn’t been on the sorting list in September.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” the boy said in wonder, his eyes round as saucers. Bill shrugged nonchalantly.

“I guess. I’d much rather be in Charms or Transfiguration, though. I don’t think I’ve ever been so bored in my life,” Bill confided in a whisper.

The dark-haired boy lifted his eyes from his parchment. “Really? I’m dreadful in those classes. Unless it’s a written test. I can explain the theory just fine. I just--”

Then Bill remembered that this boy also hadn’t been able to fly when they’d had their flying lessons during the autumn term. As soon as Bill had walked up to his broom and said, “Up!” it had leapt into his hand. But then, he and Charlie had been flying around the Burrow for years, practicing Quidditch in the nearby orchard. It took longer for some others, but within ten minutes everyone but this boy had been floating in the air on a broom, while he stood over his, still crying “Up! Up!” repeatedly, starting to look like he was on the verge of tears. Madam Hooch had gently suggested that he stay after and let her give him private tuition. Bill never did find out whether the boy had learnt to fly.

Bill shook his head. “I hate written tests. I can do them. It’s just a bore to me, though. I’d rather be doing magic, not just writing about it. And History of Magic--well, the less said about that, the better.”

The other boy laughed. “I don’t mind the reading for that. It’s very interesting. But I agree with you about the class. Even I can’t stay awake in that one.”

Bill laughed too, and, a little sheepishly, because they’d been in the same Herbology class all year, said, “What’s your name?”

“Geoff. I know yours. You’re Bill Weasley.”

Bill nodded. Professor Sprout had had to upbraid him more than once for falling asleep in her class, taking points from Gryffindor while she was at it. Bill shuddered to think how many points he’d cost his house because Herbology was right before lunch, and he habitually fell asleep from hunger.

He was very glad that he was not in Hufflepuff; he doubted that she would have been as indulgent with him as Professor McGonagall had been when he'd returned from the Christmas holiday and Filch still wanted to give him his detention. Bill explained to her that Booth had heard noises in the common room (although he didn't describe them) and that he had taken it upon himself to ask the Fat Lady whether anyone had opened the portrait hole because no one else had wanted to do it. Unlike Filch, McGonagall had nodded approvingly at his initiative and canceled the detention. Bill had tried not to grin maniacally when leaving her office; he knew he was the closest thing she had to a pet amongst the first years, and he didn't want her to think he was taking advantage of her.

Charms and Transfiguration were his favorite classes, and he always learned each new skill before anyone else. Both Flitwick and McGonagall frequently had him go around and help others who weren't catching on as quickly. While Flitwick could be absolutely extravagant in his praise, she would just give him a small smile and a nod when she saw his patient words producing the desired results. Because of this, her reactions always meant more to him. Neither teacher usually let a class pass without saying to Bill, "Ten points for Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley," often more than once (which helped to make up for the points taken by Sprout), but McGonagall's clear look of approval was always far more encouraging to Bill than twenty or thirty points from Flitwick.

Bill also never complained if Professor McGonagall said, "Late to class again! Five points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley," since he usually made it up later, both in her class and in Flitwick's. (Flitwick, he had noticed, never took points from anyone; he was also freer than McGonagall in distributing praise.) Since Transfiguration was first thing in the morning, he sometimes overslept (yelling at Alex and Orville later for letting him do so) and missed breakfast. On these days, he had to hurry to class while still struggling into his robes and tying his necktie, and he knew his stomach would be rumbling all morning. He did wish he could work out a way to keep from being late; he felt very, very small when she had to upbraid him in this way. Also, when he was late she usually did not have him assist the other students and was even more reticent than usual in giving him praise. (He had blown his chance to be an example by being tardy.)

Although his head-of-house could be very stern at times, and was definitely someone you didn't want to cross (especially when she was taking points), it was all the more special to Bill when he was saw that subtle look of approval on her face. It wasn't easy to see, but it was there. Bill had learned what to look for; he had also noticed that the other Gryffindor students in his year did not inspire this in her. She never praised him overmuch, though; he assumed she didn't want him to get a swelled head, or to discourage the other students. Bill was never smug or bragged, and his classmates took assistance from him with good grace, never feeling he was looking down on them.

He looked at kindly Professor Sprout, who was nonetheless frequently exasperated with him. Nice as she could be most of the time, he couldn't possibly imagine Herbology being anyone's favorite class, but Geoff seemed to enjoy it.

“Where you from, Geoff?”

He shrugged. “Here and there. We moved around a lot. You?”

“Not far from Exeter. We’re outside a village called Ottery St. Catchpole.”

“We were in Exeter for a time. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One brother, two sisters, and another on the way.”

Geoff looked envious. “It’s always been just me and my parents. I was so glad when I finally got my Hogwarts letter and could come here instead of picking up and moving every couple of months, sometimes every couple of weeks--”

Bill squinted at him. “So you did get a letter? I wondered about that--”

“Yeah, only it looked really old. And it didn’t come until a few days before the start of term. I know most people get theirs in June. I’ve never been able to work that out. Maybe the problem was that we move so often. It was three times last summer. But I definitely received a letter. Best day of my life, that was.”

Bill nodded. Even when he was homesick, he knew just what the other boy meant.

Finally, the bell rang and Bill leapt up, grinning, his rucksack already packed and on his back. Orville and Alex fell into step beside him as they walked through the allée of oak trees that were like a tunnel leading back to the castle from the greenhouses.

“Did you ever think we’d get out of there?” Alex groaned as they trudged heavily up the sloping path, the green boughs forming a roof over their heads.

“Never,” answered Orville with feeling, rubbing his empty stomach through his robes.

Bill was silent, thinking of his mother’s wonderful meals, and wishing he could be at home to help her manage. He hadn’t let her get up almost the entire time he’d been at home; he’d insisted that anything she needed he could get for her. He’d taken care of tucking in Peggy and Annie at night while his father was working late at the office (again), and he was very stern with Charlie whenever he seemed like he might be making a mess or doing anything else to make more work for their mother. Charlie had been cross with him a few times because of this, and Bill had had to restrain himself from cuffing him when Charlie had called him ‘Mum,’ in a very snide voice.

He sighed as he ate his roast chicken and buttered peas. He saw the Hufflepuff boy, Geoff, sitting at the table on the other side of the hall, and he wondered briefly what it would be like to be an only child, and to live the kind of nomadic existence he had evidently led before coming to Hogwarts. Then Bill wondered again why Geoff hadn’t been on the list of students to be sorted; he also wondered why had had received his Hogwarts letter so late in the summer....

Alex nudged him. “Go on. Go talk to her. You know you want to.” Bill looked up in alarm, wondering what on earth Alex was talking about. While he was thinking and chewing, Bill had been staring into space, but as he widened his eyes, he saw now that it appeared that he had been gazing longingly at the Slytherin table, and specifically, at Roxanne Maine-Thorpe.

He grimaced and elbowed Alex right back. “Sod off. I wasn’t looking at her.”

Alex went back to his own food, grinning. “But you are often enough. You should see yourself in Potions...”

Bill thought about bringing up Mary Ann Boxwood, but as she was sitting right across from the two of them, he decided to ignore his friend instead. He bent over his plate, determined to show that he didn’t give two Knuts what Roxanne Maine-Thorpe was up to.

Lily Evans was sitting to his left, playing with her food with her fork, a listless expression on her face. Bill chewed and swallowed.

“Are you all right?” he asked her, concerned. She nodded.

“I’ll be fine,” she said tonelessly, not looking at him. Then she turned and picked up her rucksack, leaving without looking at anyone. Bill looked at her full plate. She didn’t appear to have eaten anything.

The four boys in her year followed her with their eyes. Sirius tried to get Remus’ attention, to no avail. He elbowed James and looked at him with raised eyebrows. James shrugged, then said softly, “I’ll find out.”

He rose and went after her; in the entrance hall, before Lily had a chance to go down the stairs to the dungeons, he called her name. She turned, wearing the same listless expression.

“What’s wrong, Lily?” he asked her, his face very concerned.

She couldn’t even muster up the energy to give him a false smile.

“I’m fine,” she lied, her face drawn and tired. There were dark circles under her green eyes, which looked very dull.

“Staying up late too often?” he asked. “Too much O.W.L. revision?”

She shook her head, not looking at him but at some indeterminate spot on the floor. She seemed to do that so often lately, tune out and stare at nothing. He’d become so accustomed to this that he was jolted when she met his eyes.

“Do you think I’m a good person, James?” she asked him abruptly.

“Wh-what?” he sputtered, startled. “Of--of course you are, Lily. Why on earth would you ask such a question?”

But now she was staring at some point in the distance again, shaking her head slowly, as if in a trance. “No reason...”

She turned and started walking down the stairs with no warning, no farewell. James continued to stand in the entrance hall, frowning, knowing that Lily Evans was definitely not all right, but not knowing why or what to do about it. She was his friend, and he hated seeing her like this. Was she depressed about something? Knowing her, she was having a pre-O.W.L. crisis of confidence. He was suffering from a bit of that himself. Bonnie was going to meet with him in the library after their last class; he could invite Lily to come along and join them. She’d see that everyone was feeling anxious and inadequate about the upcoming ordeal. No one looked forward to the O.W.L.s, or assumed that they were going to do well. She needed to see that her jitters were perfectly normal.

Lily reached the Potions dungeon and walked to her work station. She unpacked her supplies and waited for the other students to arrive for class, then sighed, thinking of her most recent time with Remus....

It had been only three days earlier, and as usual, when they were together, they went after each other passionately, but afterward....

She wiped away an errant tear that had run down her nose. She was supposed to be so clever, and yet she felt so stupid. In January, after their first time, he’d avoided her the next day and then disappeared during the next three nights. The same thing happened in February, and then March. Any time she tried to approach him when he wasn’t sweating and shaking, he didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with her. Once, in mid-March, she’d cornered him in a remote stairwell and kissed him. He had responded at first, clutching her to him, but then he had abruptly thrust her away, claiming that he had to go to a detention, running off faster than Lily had ever seen anyone move.

He had even completely overlooked her birthday, which James and Sirius and even Peter had remembered. Someone else had remembered her birthday too, and the thought made her feel warm inside now. Severus had been so nervous about giving her a gift, so shy. It was a book, of course, but it was a book of sonnets, of all things. He had stuttered and bumbled about the entire time, then ran off before she could even open it and thank him.

She sighed again. Two boys who liked her. One who was even sleeping with her, and yet she didn’t have a proper boyfriend, someone who was willing to own up to caring about her, someone who was willing to behave as though she didn’t have a disease of some sort, or as though ashamed of her....

When Severus Snape arrived with the other Slytherins and took his place next to her, she smiled briefly at him before turning to her work. He met her eyes for a moment, then turned away, making her want to kick something. What’s wrong with me? She thought of Sirius’ brief period of deciding he wanted to be with her after all. She thought of Remus kissing her passionately and touching her--following by weeks of ignoring her and behaving as though he was afraid to be alone with her. Clearly, she thought, that is the aberration, not the norm. The usual way of things is that Lily Evans is treated like a pariah, an Untouchable. She felt like she was carrying a large sign saying, To be avoided at all costs. If you want a girlfriend, look anywhere but here.

When she had seen that Remus was in a bad way again, a few days earlier, and had approached him after lunch, she touched his arm gently and asked him, “Remus--do you--do you need me?”

He had nodded desperately, with a look that burned, and they had hastened down to the dungeons, to the dusty storeroom where they’d gone the first time, and afterward Remus had traced her face with his finger and said softly, “You’re so amazing, Lily.”

Her heart had skipped a beat, seeing the look in his eyes. She had brought his hand to her lips and gazed back at him, unwilling to let the moment end. But then he had checked the map again, and found that some other students were approaching the room where they were, so they hastily dressed and left. They were in the corridor near the Potions Dungeon again when she turned and found that he’d disappeared. She whirled, and called his name, but he was gone. Had he taken one of the shortcuts on the map? she wondered. She had leaned against the hard stone wall, sinking down, tears coming unbidden as she longed to be in his arms again, just holding him and being held, telling him she loved him and hearing the same words back. But that happened only in her fantasies....

She noticed that Severus was about to add his diced dragon’s liver to his potion too soon, and without chopping it finely enough first. She stopped him with her hand on his arm, shaking her head, so that the professor wouldn’t notice.

“Thanks,” he whispered, also watching the professor cautiously. “Can you--can you stay and help me a bit after class? There’s a potion I’m trying to brew--I could really use your help. I’m starting to get a bit worried about the O.W.L.s.”

She looked up into his eyes, then turned and saw Peter scrutinizing the two of them. She couldn’t read his expression. She looked up at Severus again and said quietly, “All right.”

He smiled at her shyly, then turned back to his potion. Lily discreetly took the dragon’s liver and her cleaver and chopped it finely on her cutting board, sliding it back to Severus’ side of the worktable when she was done. He gave her a small smile and mouthed the words thank you. She rewarded him with a brilliant smile. She had to force it a bit, because she was still feeling so down, but she wanted to do this. She had also noticed that Sirius was looking at her and Severus, and unlike Peter, his expression was quite easy to read. He was not happy about her smiling at Severus Snape, not happy at all. Sod off, Sirius Black, she thought.

At the end of the class, they turned in their potion vials as usual and cleaned their workstations. When the other students were preparing to go, the professor noticed that Severus did not pack up his supplies.

“I’m staying to do some extra work, Professor,” Severus told him. “Preparation for the O.W.L.s. Lily is going to help me.” Lily noticed that James swung his head around upon hearing that, and she wondered why he looked so interested.

The Potions Master accepted this and left them alone in the dungeon. Severus smiled down at Lily and she smiled back. She leaned over, looking at the page he’d marked in the potions text, wondering what they were going to brew. Her hair was falling into her face, which looked very tired but no less beautiful for that. He withdrew the necessary ingredients from his supply of apothecary items.

Lily watched his hands as he worked; she loved his long, tapered fingers. They looked so elegant. She wondered what he would do if she asked him whether he’d ever played the piano. Probably run screaming into the night, she thought, frowning. He looked up at her.

“All right, Lily?”

She gave him a broad smile again. “Yes, Severus. Never better.” I’ll be cheerful, she thought. Upbeat. A virtual ray of sunshine. No one will be more pleasant company. How could anyone not want to spend time with me?

He nodded, but looked a little perplexed, as though he could tell she was forcing her cheery mood. “Good,” was all he said before turning back to his preparations.

They chatted as they worked, and slowly, Lily began to feel better. He still did not open up to her any more than he usually did, but he didn’t recoil at the mere touch of her hand, either, as Remus did when he wasn’t “needing” her. When Severus wasn’t looking, she admired the way his closely-trimmed beard and mustache hugged his face, defining his lantern jaw and high cheekbones, remembering that she had initially been upset at noticing this on the first day of the term, in September. Why was I upset? she wondered now.

The flames beneath the cauldron crackled merrily, and Lily and Severus talked and occasionally laughed as they worked. They never noticed light, careful footsteps on the hard stone floor, footsteps belonging to someone who had entered the room wearing an Invisibility Cloak; a person who stayed long after they had left, thinking about what he had seen, and trying to work out what to do about it....

* * * * *

Notes: Readers who are familiar with Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will recognize that the second potion Madam Pomfrey gives Lily possesses the same qualities as the gum that turns Violet Beauregarde into a human blueberry. (Lily, obviously, does not suffer that fate.) I also made some changes to the previous chapter: I decided to use the real Welsh flag on the Potters' coffins, rather than the wizarding Welsh flag that I made up (it was meant to be ironic that the Muggle flag had the magical creature--a dragon--while the Wizarding flag did not).

Many, many thanks to my beta team: Andrew (Peglander) , Lara Gill (Practical Magic), Aurinia , Court (Atlantis Potter) and George Hobbes.