Harry Potter, Broadway Style! The Producers

Act One, Scene One

(A bright sunny day on Hogwarts lawn. Peter Pettigrew is skipping through the tulips with his best friends, Sirius, James and Remus.)

All four Marauders (singing to "In Old Bavaria"):

Oh, it's nice to run and sun such fun at old Hoggy-warts

And it's a life no strife or wife to pacify at old Hoggy-warts

We're friends and companions 'til we die

Band of brothers loyal to our fellow guy

Unless a girl wants to sleep with I

At old - we're talking old - old Hoggy-warts.

James: Well, I'm off to go snog Lily Evans.

Remus: Wait a minute. I thought we recently learned that Lily hated you and would never go out with you because you turned Severus Snape upside-down in our fifth year, right after we took the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.

James: She changed her mind.

Remus: Oh, that's good.

Sirius: And I'm off to buy a motorbike and magic it so it flies illegally.

Remus: Oh, my, look at the moon! I better go before I turn into a vicious wolf and bite everyone.

Peter: But what about me?

Sirius: Yeah, well, your name doesn't end in 's'. Therefore, you can't possibly be as cool as us.

(James, Remus & Sirius leave.)

Peter: Well, that just bites. Maybe I should consider turning evil.

(Lucius Malfoy pops up)

Lucius: You rang?

Peter: You! I was kidding, I didn't mean anything by it.

Lucius: Oh, come on! Everyone's betraying their friends nowadays. It's the thing to do.

Peter: No way!

Lucius: Oh, sure. Right up there with disco. That'll never go out of style.

Peter: No.

Lucius: Oh, fine then. Just sit here and stare at the lake, all alone, and contemplate your life, Peter, and what you really want.

(Lucius leaves)

Peter: Hmm. What do I really want to do with my life? Well ... I want to be smart, and powerful, and have everyone who hears my name think "Ooooo." I guess that leaves only one career choice, doesn't it?

(singing to "I Wanna be a Producer")

I wanna be a Death Eater

Lots of power at my hand
Have a great mark on my arm
Torture Muggles 'cause I can.
I wanna be a Death Eater
Wear a long robe ev'ry day
Be in His Inner Circle
Avada Kedavra's what I'll say

I wanna be a Death Eater
Won't put up with no more slop!
I'll be the best of them all
Mr Pettigrew's on top!
Lucius says he can do it
He can make my dreams come true!
I wanna be a Death Eater
And have my very own private loo.

(Lucius pops out from behind a rock)

Lucius: Aha! I knew it!

Peter: You listened to me sing!

Lucius: Yup. So, Petey boy, I can make those dreams come true if you want.

Peter: Really? I mean, no, that's okay.

Lucius (singing to "We Can Do It"):

This is easy, oh so easy
It's so easy, you will see!
Just come with me, and you'll meet him
He's gonna make new history!
He can make your problems vanish
Why, even your friend the jerk
Will find himself drawn, sprawled out on the lawn
He'll be hurting, you'll be flirting
Golly, what a perk!

We'll just go there, and you'll see where
All your dreams will now come true
In his deep lair, it's a grand fair
Of things to remake you so new!
Come on, Peter! Don't be Skeeter!
This is the chance I give to you!
You'll have power, you'll have riches!
This is a choice you will not rue!

Peter: Well, your offer is extremely tempting...

Lucius: Join us and I'll throw in an advance copy of Book Six, Harry Potter and the Real Reason that the Lost Prophecy is About Neville.

Peter: Okay!

Scene Two:

(Voldemort's Lair. Voldie lounges on a couch, with a nearby Death Eater feeding him peeled grapes.)

Voldie: Le sigh! We need new blood around here.

Death Eater I think Lucius went for some fresh meat, sir. He'll be back soon.

(Enter Lucius & Peter)

Lucius: Hello, my Lord! I brought back some fresh meat.

Voldie: Excellent! Fire up the grill!

Lucius: No, sir, I meant a new recruit.

Voldie: But I'm hungry. Can't I eat him anyway?

Peter: Eep.

Lucius: Master, if you keep eating the new recruits, we're going to run out of new members.

Voldie: Right.

Lucius: And people might start to think you're a cannibal or something.

Voldie: Oh, fine. No more eating recruits.

(Voldie looks at Peter longingly.)

Voldie (muttering): Yummy recruits ....

Lucius: Let me introduce Peter Pettigrew, my Lord, your newest Death Eater initiate.

Voldie: Hello, Peter, welcome to the club, so happy to have you here, when was the last time you marinated, er, bathed?

Peter: Er, hello.

Lucius: So, I thought we could include Peter in our big attack next week.

Voldie: Yes, yes, fine, fine, so Peter, tell me - do you taste like - I mean, like the taste of chicken?

Lucius: THOMAS!

Voldie: Oh. Right. No eating the recruits. Sorry.

Lucius: All right then, Peter. Show up here next week at midnight. We'll take you on our raid.

Peter: You do realize you're completely insane, right?

Voldie: Oh, sure. But look at me, Peter - I used to be just like you, and now I'm a thousand times better!

Peter: No way.

Voldie: It's true!

Lucius (as the music starts): Uh-oh, now you've done it...

Voldie (singing to "The King of Old Broadway):

I used to be a boy, a boy at old Hogwarts
My studies were a joy, a precursor of sorts

I studied Dark Arts through and through
Curses, hexes, jinxes too

Evil potions learnt to brew
Not that I'd use them on you of course!

Other Death Eaters (singing):

We adore you, thousands wouldn't
We adore you, ev'ry day
We adore you, thousands scurry

We stand by you, here to stay.

Voldie:

There was a time
When I was innocent

Peter (muttering): Yeah, right.

Voldie (singing):
I would see
The good in all
There was a time

I'd hand out bunnies and roses
To whoever came to call.

Death Eaters:

There was a time

He kissed babies in the street
He paid off his friend's bills
Ahh!

Voldie:

Now I've seen the truth
You are all road kill!

Death Eaters:

That's our Voldie, he's the leader

Voldie:

You're road kill!

Death Eaters:

Of our little evil club.

Voldie:

All road kill.

Death Eaters:

We all love him, we're rather frightened

Voldie:

So road kill ...

Death Eaters:

What he'd do if we all run.

Peter: Well, since you put it that way, sure I'll join your club. Exactly who are we raiding?

Lucius: Now, Peter, you aren't planning on turning spy on us for Dumbledore, are you?

Voldie: Because Dumbledore's got one already, and one's plenty.

(A random Death Eater behind them starts backing away slowly.)

Lucius: And just because we don't know who he is yet - Severus! Where are you going?

Random Death Eater: Er ... bathroom?

Lucius: Right then, carry on.

Peter: No, no spying. I promise.

Voldie: All right then, there you go. See you next week, Pork Chop! I mean, Pettigrew!

Scene Three:

(Dumbledore's office.)

Peter: Professor Dumbledore, I have a problem.

Dumbledore: Peter, I can't really do much about your ecxema.

Peter: No, that's not it. My problem is -

Dumbledore: Sing it to me.

Peter: Huh?

Dumbledore: Sing me your problems, Peter. I haven't had a good musical interlude yet.

Peter: We're sung four songs already, you could have showed up at any of them.

Dumbledore: I was in a meeting.

Peter: I'm not singing for you.

Dumbledore: Then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Peter: Evil git.

Dumbledore: What was that?

Peter: I mean, weasel tit.

Dumbledore: Oh, yes, the new brand of candy from Honeydukes. Want a bite?

Peter: Argh! I'll just foil his dastardly plot myself!

Dumbledore: Lovely! Will there be music?

Peter: No!

(Peter exits the office)

Act Two, Scene One

(Ministry Headquarters. Four Death Eaters, dressed all in dark robes, enter the pavilion and approach the fountain in the center.)

Death Eater One (who sounds suspiciously like Lucius): Now, remember, we don't want anyone to know it was us.

Death Eater Two (who sounds suspiciously like Peter): But then how will they know who to be afraid of?

Death Eater One: Stop making sense and take this buzz saw.

(The Death Eaters start working on the fountain. When they are done, the wizard in the middle looks like Voldie, with the figures around him resembling the Minister of Magic and the Muggle Prime Minister.)

Lucius (who is Death Eater One): That looks fabulous. We did a good - PETER PETTIGREW! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING???

Peter (who is Death Eater Two): Er ... signing it?

Lucius: You idiot!

Scene Two

(A Death Eater holding cell. Peter sits on the stone floor, alone except for the guard in the corner.)

Peter: Jail sucks.

(A cough from the shadows, and a figure crawls out. It's Vincent Crabbe's father)

Peter: What are you doing here, I thought you were one of Voldie's favorite minions.

Crabbe: I was. But then I forgot his dry cleaning.

Peter: Yeah, he doesn't like to wait for his dry cleaning, does he?

Crabbe: No, not much. This is the tenth time I've been down here this month.

Peter: Listen, can you explain this whole thing to me? Because I'm a bit confused as to why you'd stick with a man who is so cruel to you.

Crabbe: It's complicated. But I guess you can boil it all down to one thing ...

Peter: I feel a song coming on.

Crabbe (singing to "Till Him"):

He's the man I'll always want to service
Voldie.
He's the reason I always get so nervous

Voldie.

Most people said I was rather worthless
They would have left me in the dust
Then he took my hand
And I found a man to trust.

He gave me a reason to try harder
Voldie.
For him I will try to be smarter
Voldie.
He is my whole reason
To be the best that I can be
He's the one I'll always
Cherish ... my Voldie.

(The guard suddenly whips off his coat and his hat - it's Dumbledore)

Dumbledore: Haha! I got my musical interlude! Fooled you!

(Dumbledore Apparates away)

Peter: Crabbe - you're a soprano.

Crabbe: I can still beat you up.

Peter: Never mind, then.

(Lucius enters)

Lucius: Crabbe, our master heard your song and was quite touched. You're free to go.

Crabbe: Yippee!

Peter: What about me?

Lucius: Our master wants to see you for dinner tonight.

Peter: Uh-oh.

Scene Two:

(The Great Hall at Voldie's Lair)

Voldie: Peter Pettigrew, you have messed up my really funny prank on the Ministry of Magic. How do you plead?

Peter: Guilty, your honor - guilty of trying to make sure you receive credit for your dastardly deeds. I didn't want someone like Sirius Black to get the credit for your superior pranking skills.

Voldie: Oh. I hadn't thought of that. Well, you're more or less forgiven.

Lucius: Hey! Aren't you going to punish him?

Voldie: Oh, right. Okay, Peter, you have to make up for what you screwed up tonight.

Peter: How about I go be the Secret Keeper for my friends, and then you can go and A-K them one by one?

Voldie: That'll do.

Peter: Yippee!

(Peter leaves)

Voldie: Oh, Lucius, look. Our little recruit is growing up and off to destroy the world! I might cry.

Lucius: You're sick, man.

Voldie: Excuse me?

Lucius: I said, Arsenic land!

Voldie: Oh, right. That new band from Canada. They always make me feel like singing.

Voldie & Lucius: (singing to "Springtime for Hitler")

Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort
Ev'ry things going our way

We've got our new recruit in line
Our ranks are really gonna shine!

Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort
Death Eaters are leaders again
Springtime for Malfoy and Voldemort
Watch out, Albus
You're nearing your end.

Voldie:

Praise myself
Shield your eyes
I'm the wiz
Who's got the biz to organize

I'm the best
You all know!
Don't agree, you
Will see my Crucio.

Let us clean all Muggles from our land!

Death Eaters:

Scrub away!

Voldie:

All you stupid Mudbloods, on your knees and hands.
Praise myself
Shield your eyes!

Death Eaters:

Hurrah!

Voldie:

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion terrorize.

(And from the wings, come what you have all feared I would do, and here I have done it ... yes, you guessed it ... it's the Dementor Kick-line!)

Death Eaters:

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion ...

Voldie:

Praise myself!

Death Eaters:

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion ...

Voldie:

Praise myself!

Death Eaters & Voldie:

Ev'ry oldie-moldy minion terrorize!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls. If we're lucky, maybe it killed the Dementer kick-line on the way down.)