Harry Potter, Broadway Style! South Pacific

Harry Potter, Broadway Style!

South Pacific

Act One:

Scene One

(The Ghosts of Hogwarts float down a deserted hallway.)

Ghosts (singing to the tune of "Bloody Mary"):

Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Moanin' Myrtle is the ghost we love!

Now ain't that too darn bad!

(The Ghosts float away as Draco Malfoy enters the stage.)

Draco (singing to the tune of "This Nearly was Mine"):

One ghost in my heart

One ghost who I'm living for

She's all that I want to know

She truly is mine.

One girl who'll I spend

My life and my loving on

Though she's sort of dead,

She truly is mine.

Myrtle:

Draco! Darling, I thought you'd never arrive.

Draco:

I couldn't last a day without seeing you. I'm skipping Potions right now, which is very much out of character as I love Potions better than anything - except you, my ghosty girl!

Myrtle:

You almost make me happy, Draco! The only thing that could possibly make me happier is if Olive Hornby were eaten alive by a raging hippogriff.

Draco:

I can arrange that.

Myrtle:

Oh, darling!

Scene Two

(Dumbledore's office.)

Snape:

These romances are highly irregular, Headmaster.

Dumbledore:

Love is hardly irregular in any case, Severus.

Snape:

Albus, Malfoy is in love with a ghost and Dennis Creevey is in love with the Giant Squid.

Dumbledore:

While I admit that both of those relationships pose their own particular problems, I fail to see why we must discourage them.

Snape:

!!!!!

Dumbledore:

Besides, need I remind you that you had a fairly intense relationship with the Whomping Willow some years back.

Snape:

That's different! I was young! And heavily bruised!

Dumbledore:

I know it's difficult when you heart is broken, Severus, but you can't expect all loving to cease because your own relationship didn't work out.

Snape:

Well, why the hell not!

Dumbledore:

Perhaps we should talk to these star-crossed lovers about their romances.

Snape:

Oh, you just want an excuse for another musical interlude.

Scene Three

(Draco, Dennis, Myrtle and the Giant Squid have joined Dumbledore in his office.)

Dumbledore:

Boys -

Myrtle:

And me!

Dumbledore:

Of course, Myrtle, and you - we are a little bit concerned about your romances.

Draco:

My love for Myrtle is very real, Headmaster!

Dumbledore:

Of course it is. But I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly how you four fell in love in the first place?

Draco (singing to the tune of "Some Enchanted Evening"):

Some enchanted evening, when I first saw Myrtle

My luminescent Myrtle, crying in her stall.

I reached out my hand, she stopped her tears

And I felt more alive than I had in years.

Myrtle (singing):

Some enchanted evening, I was lonelier than ever

My loneliness knew no end, until he came

And caressed my cheek, and told me he cared

When I'm with him I'm never so scared.

Dennis (singing):

Some enchanted evening, the stars shone in the heavens

And I leaned over too far and fell into the lake

He lifted me out and dried out my hair

He kept my heart in his watery wet lair.

Squid (singing):

Glurble glurble glurble, glurble glurble glurble.

Glug glub glurble glug glug, blub gur glur blug.

Blug glurble blug blub, glurble glug gug

Glurble glug glug blub glub blub gluble gloo!

Dumbledore:

Huh. Well, I guess I can't argue with that.

Draco:

We knew you'd see it our way.

Dumbledore:

Well, I guess the only thing left to do is tell your parents ...

Draco:

Uh-oh.

Scene Four

(Myrtle's bathroom)

Draco (singing to the tune of "Bali Ha'i"):

Her bathroom, it calls me

There I'd spend ev'ry day

In her arms is where you'd find me

Flush away, flush away

In our own special stall

We while away the time

Watch the mold grow

Her arms wrapped in mine!

She's my heart, she's my being

And though it causes me much pain

I must go and seek a new love

Pull the chain, pull the chain.

Draco (speaking):

Myrtle, we have to break up.

Myrtle:

What? But I thought we loved each other! And Dumbledore said it was okay!

Draco:

Yeah, I know, but my dad would totally hate me living with a ghost.

Myrtle:

What's he got against ghosts?

Draco:

Well, there's the little matter of procreation. We Malfoys are kind of big on that.

Myrtle:

We can adopt!

Draco:

Um, no.

(He leaves)

Myrtle:

That ferret! I thought he loved me! Well, that does it -

Myrtle (singing to the tune of "I'm Gonna Wash that Man Right Outta My Hair"):

I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

I'm gonna wash that Malfoy outta my hair

And send him on his way!

He tried to break my heart

Ripped it up, flushed it down

Olive Hornby's just a start

He's done for, that snakey clown

I'll get him, and then he'll see

He's doomed!

If a Malfoy tries to hurt me, he's got to think again

Nothing to lose, I'm already dead, I'm gonna stake that Malfoy's head!

I'll hurt that git right where it counts, he'll know what he's lost then.

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

I went and washed that Malfoy outta my hair

And sent him on his way!!!!

The Grey Lady:

You go girl!

Act Two:

Scene One

(Outside Myrtle's bathroom)

Goyle:

Draco's not happy.

Crabbe:

He's very unhappy.

Goyle:

We should make him happy.

Crabbe:

How can we make him happy?

(Draco and Dennis enter)

Draco:

Sigh! I hate going to Potions now. It reminds me of when I'd skip and spend time with Myrtle instead.

Dennis:

I love everyone and everything, because me and my squid are the happiest couple in the world! La!

Draco:

Oh, I'm so wretched!

(Draco leaves, looking even more unhappy)

Goyle:

That kid is making Draco unhappier.

Crabbe:

Let's get rid of him.

Goyle:

Hey, Colin!

Dennis:

I'm Dennis. Colin is my older brother.

Goyle:

Whatever. Listen, I have a message from the squid for you. He said to go down the toilet and he'd meet you at the other end.

Dennis:

Really? Thanks!

(Dennis goes into Myrtle's bathroom. He climbs into a toilet.)

Myrtle:

What are you doing?

Dennis:

I'm going to hop down the toilet, because my love the squid will meet me at the other end.

Myrtle:

You're loony.

Dennis:

I'm in love!

(singing to the tune of "Honey Bun")

Lift the lid, here's a quid

I'm in love with that big squid!

I'm going through the pipes to see him now

His home is set where it's wet

In fact that is how we met

He lifted me up into the boat's bow

His arms are green and scale-y

His body's a bit whale-y

His eyes are blue, his heart is true

I love to stroke his tail-ey!

You say it's wrong, I say it's right

He's where I want to be tonight!

So gimme those goggles and drop that lid

I'm off to play with my big love the squid!

(Dennis flushes the toilet and goes spinning down.)

Scene Two:

(By the side of the lake. Draco enters.)

Draco:

Oh, the only happiness I have now is looking upon this cold winter scene, watching the waves lap to and fro ... to and fro ... oh, that I have given up my one true love for my father!

Squid:

Blurb!

Draco:

What was that you said, Giant Squid? You say that you've just found your lover, Dennis Creevey, on the bottom of the lake after he tried to go through the plumbing in order to meet you by your great big squid castle?

Squid:

Glurgle!

Draco:

And now he's dead and you can't be together any longer? That's so sad!

Squid:

Glog!

Draco:

That's right! You may be separated from your love in death, but I can't be - my love is already dead! What luck! I am going to do something completely out of character now, and have a change of heart!

Scene Three

(Myrtle's bathroom.)

Draco:

Myrtle! I have changed my evil ways and come back to you!

Myrtle:

Draco! My love!

Draco:

Who cares about procreation! Being with you means I can never be separated from you, even in death! I love you!

Myrtle:

And I love you!

Draco & Myrtle (singing to the tune of "Bali Ha'i"):

In our own special stall, we while away the time

Watching mold grow, your arms wrapped in mine!

You're my heart, you're my being

Until death, we shall be, with each other, forever

You and me, you and me!

(And the curtain, thankfully, falls.)