Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Sound of Music

Sound of Music

Act One

Scene One

(Gryffindor Common room. Hermione, Harry and Ron stand center stage, bopping in time to the music.)

Hermione, Harry & Ron: (singing to "The Lonely Goatherd")

Here is a tale of a lonely Neville

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long hee-hoo.)

He had a secret love in which he did oft revel

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long oh yeah.)

He tried many ways to get this man's notice

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Long hee-hoo.)

Or at least that is what the Neville told us

(Longee-bottom, Longee-bottom, Hey!)

Oh, oh, Severus is a scape-goat,

Oh, oh, Severus is a Snape.

Oh, oh, Severus is a scape-goat,

Severus is a Snape-goat Snape!

(Neville enters the common room.)

Neville: It's time for Potions, my all time favorite class!

Hermione: Neville, you're horrible in Potions.

Harry: Yeah, when Snape isn't picking on me, he's picking on you instead.

Neville: That's just because he doesn't understand that the two of us are destined to be together. He really is a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man, and no one understands him quite like I do.

Ron: You're loony.

Scene Two

(The Potions classroom. Snape is sitting at the Head Table, glaring at the students. Neville is feverishly stirring his cauldron.)

Neville: (singing to "Edelweiss")

Severus, Severus

He's the Potions Master

Tall and thin, what a chin

I need you here much faster!

I'll add more boomslang until you say

Neville, that's detention.

Severus, Severus

I want to get your attention!

(Neville's cauldron explodes.)

Snape: Neville Longbottom! That's the tenth cauldron you've destroyed today! See me after class!

Neville: Yippee!

Snape: Wait, you're not supposed to be happy about that. I'm evil and scary!

Neville: Professor Snape, I cannot keep it a secret any longer - I'm in love with you!

Snape: Excuse me?

Neville: I've been in love with you since the day we met. I've been screwing up in Potions just to spend some time with you. My heart burns with passion for you. You are my destiny! Madame Trelawney has seen it in the stars. We are meant to be together - forever!

Snape: You're loony.

Ron: Damn! I hate it when Snape and I agree on something!

Neville: Say you can love me in return, Sevvie, and I'll be happy forever!

Snape: (singing to "Sixteen Going on Seventeen")

You're a student, I'm a teacher

There's nothing left to say

You're a bit dim, your love's a whim

I can't love you that way.

I don't know why you should love me

I think you're quite the fool.

Say nothing of 20 years difference

You're still attending school.

Neville: Oh, but Sevvie!

Snape: And don't call me Sevvie! Gah!

Neville: Oh, Sevvie!

(He throws himself at Snape, holding onto Snape's legs and not letting go. Snape hobbles from the room.)

Hermione: I need a drink.

Scene Three

(Snape's laboratory)

Neville: Oh, Sevvie, my love, are you mixing a potion so you can love me as much as I love you?

Snape: No, you twit, I'm mixing a potion so you'll stop loving me!

Neville: But Sevvie!

Snape: And quit calling me Sevvie!

Snape: (singing to "Do-Re-Mi")

First, a weed, a mandrake weed

Then, a drop of phoenix tear!

Next, boomslang, a tiny bit

Last, what's in this bottle here!

And so, here is the magic brew

That will rid myself of you

At last, this love affair is through!

And now you have to drink!

Neville: (singing)

No, I won't, I tell you true

Sev, it's only you for me!

Since that day you made me cry

You have been my cup of tea.

I won't drink that nasty stuff

Fine, get in a Snape-y huff!

It's you I will always love!

That's all I have to say.

Snape: Dammit.

Neville: So it's true, then, you don't love me?

Snape: Not a bit.

Neville: Oh, woe is me! I shall run away and never come back to you!

Snape: Excellent. You'll be out of my hair then.

Scene Four

(The Forbidden Forest)

Neville: Oh, it's so scary here in the Forest. How I wish my Sevvie was here to protect me.

(Two Death Eaters jump out of the trees.)

Death Eater #1: Aha! It's a young student from the school! Let's kidnap him and take him to our leader!

Death Eater #2: I was just going to say that!

Neville: Eep!

(The Death Eaters grab Neville and carry him off stage.)

Act Two:

Scene One

(Dumbledore's Office)

Dumbledore: I just got word that one of our students has been kidnapped.

McGonagall: Well, damn. I told Harry not to go sneaking off to Hogsmeade, but does he listen? Noooooooooo.

Dumbledore: Actually, the student is Neville Longbottom.

Snape: Whew! Solves my problem!

Dumbledore: Well, Severus, I was going to ask you -

Snape: No! I won't go rescue that brat; he can very well rot!

Dumbledore: Now, Sev, don't let a little innocent crush stop you.

Snape: Innocent? You didn't see what that boy put in my underwear drawer!

Dumbledore: All the same, Severus. I haven't had a good musical interlude in this parody yet, and I was hoping -

Snape: I'm going, I'm going.

Scene Two

(Voldemort's lair)

Voldemort: Hurrah! A new recruit!

Death Eater #1: Actually, sir, it's a hostage.

Voldemort: Sheesh. Well, did you at least get the dry cleaning?

Death Eater #2: Erm...

Voldemort: Do I have to do everything myself?

(He Avada Kedavra's the two Death Eaters.)

Neville: Eep.

Voldemort: Well, I'll recruit you anyway. How do you feel about roaming across the countryside, terrorizing Muggles and generally creating some sort of havoc?

Neville: Eep.

Voldemort: Man of few words. I like that. Want to hear my grand plan?

Neville: Eep.

Voldemort: Good answer.

Voldemort: (singing to "Climb Ev'ry Mountain")

Find ev'ry Muggle

Make each one pay

For the pain they caused me

Each and ev'ry day.

A pain I have had

For near 60 years

Not a day that goes by

I forget my tears!

One dream sustains me

Someday I'll see

A Muggle-free England

From Wales to Chelsea.

Neville: Eep.

Voldemort: You're getting rather boring. Ah well, I'll just have to find some new recruits on my own. Avada -

(Snape runs in)

Snape: Wait! Don't!

Voldemort: Severus! You never write, you never call!

Snape: Damn students kept unplugging the phone, Master.

Voldemort: Why do you keep working there, then?

Snape: It's a job.

Voldemort: Well, you can help me kill this kid I found.

Snape: Why do you want to kill him? He's rather useful.

Voldemort: All he says is "Eep."

Neville: Eep.

Voldemort: You see? What use could he be?

Snape: He's - uh - he's mine. I think he's rather - swell.

(Snape looks like he just swallowed twenty vomit flavored jelly beans.)

Neville: Swell? You really think so, Sevvie?

Voldemort: Sevvie?

Snape: Err....

Voldemort: I thought I was the only one who got to call you Sevvie!

Snape: I don't let him call me anything! You try to stop him!

Neville: Sevvie? Are you cheating on me with the Dark Lord?

Snape: To cheat on you, I'd have to go out with you. And that's not going to happen.

Voldemort: Well, now I'm mad. You better cheer me up, Sevvie!

Severus: I ... uh ... well ...

Voldemort: Cheer me up, or I'll kill you both.

Severus: In that case!

(Severus grabs Neville and they get up onto the miniature stage that has just popped out of nowhere. He looks out and sees Dumbledore now sitting next to Voldemort.)

Severus: Albus? What are you doing here?

Dumbledore: Musical interlude. Tommy said I could stay until it was over.

Severus: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Maestro, please!

Severus & Neville: (singing to "How do you Solve a Problem like Maria?")

How do you solve a problem like the dark lord?

How do you make him happy when he's sad?

How do you go on always killing Muggles

When you're tired and hungry and rather be in bed?

There's always a problem when you're with the Dark Lord

He's always another task for you to do

Like going to find a treat

Or rubbing his bony feet

Seeing if the maids have recently cleaned the loo!

Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Dark Lord?

How do you cheer him up when he is blue?

Snape: Excellent, he's asleep.

Neville: Actually, I think we killed him from the sheer stupidity and sappiness of the song.

Snape: Whatever. Let's get out of here.

(Snape grabs Neville by the scruff of the neck and drags him out of the lair.)

Scene Three

(Snape and Neville are climbing a mountain range.)

Neville: So you're saying that you'll never love me like I love you?

Snape: Yeah, that's basically the gist of it.

Neville: Well, sucks to be me. Who am I going to lust after now?

Snape: That Weasley boy has a nice butt, I think.

Neville: Excellent!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)

* * *

And there folks, is Broadway Musical Brought to Shame Number Two. As always, I'm taking suggestions for the next musical on the chopping block as well as how many times Rodgers & Hammerstein rolled in their graves over this one. Flame away, I likely deserve it.