Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Les Miserables

Prologue:

(Hogwarts School. Harry and Ron are center stage)

Harry & Ron (singing to "Castle on a Cloud"):

There is a car up in the tree

Please no one tell Hermione

This is how we got to school

She'll say we broke ev'ry rule.

There wasn't any other way

For us to get to school today

We're sort of hungry, let's go see

Hey! I just got whomped by that tree!

(Harry and Ron run for cover, Severus Snape enters)

Snape (singing to "At the End of the Day"):

For twenty-five years I've been living at Hogwarts

As a student or teaching the same

It's disgusting, it's so lame

How I can't seem to get away

Dumbledore won't let me go

Why does he care?

God! I hate students.

Act One, Scene One

(A line of students trudges in.)

Students (singing to "Look Down"):

We're here

We're here

It's just another year

At school

At school

We'll follow every rule

Ginny:

Except

For me

An evil kid I'll be.

(They all look at her.)

Ginny: What? I didn't say anything. It's not like I'm being controlled by an evil diary possessed by a dark wizard or anything.

(Shrugs all around. The students trudge out, humming to their tune. Dumbledore enters.)

Dumbledore: Severus, you're going to miss the sorting! Come on now, it's jolly good fun.

Severus: When was the last time you had your head checked?

Dumbledore: Now, Severus ...

Severus: Listen, how many times do I have to tell you? I ... hate ... students! They're all whiny sniveling little brats who deserve to be drowned in the Lake and fed to vampires.

Dumbledore: Like you?

Severus: Shut it. I'm not a vampire, that's some twisted fandom rumor.

Dumbledore: Well, you're just stuck here, then. Let's remember you owe me big time. You chose your fate.

Severus: Yeah, yeah, I know.

(Dumbledore leaves. Snape is all alone.)

Severus (singing to "I Dreamed a Dream"):

I dreamed a dream when I was young

And I was trusting

And I listened

I didn't know which way to turn

And I choose

The wrong profession

There was a time when I was bad

And I went killing

'Round the country

Then Albus took me by the hand

He showed me home

He showed me pity

And so I stay here all my days

I owe him life

I owe him honor

Though I hate children more now

I cannot leave

'Til I'm a goner.

And still I dream I can go far

Away from here

Away from mem'ry

And I wake and find myself

Still here, still

Keeping sentry

Someday I will break free

Of Dumbledore

Of teaching dummies

I'll run and jump and be all gay

Well, maybe not

But I'll be happy

I think I owe it to myself

To dream my dream until it's true.

Scene Two:

(The Potions lab. Snape is stirring some sort of gook in a cauldron. Dumbledore enters.)

Dumbledore: Bad news, Severus.

Severus: Oh, let me guess - you're not getting to sit in on a musical interlude this time around?

Dumbledore: Another student had been Petrified.

Severus: Well, shucky-darn. Which was it this time?

Dumbledore: Justin Finch-Fletchley.

Severus: Hufflepuff. Figures.

Dumbledore: Yes, well, it hasn't escaped my notice that there haven't been any Slytherins Petrified.

Severus: Of course not, Slytherins are far smarter than that.

Severus (sings to "Little People"):

And Hufflepuffs do good

And Ravenclaws are smart

Gryffindors are trusting

And they've got some heart

But Slytherin's the best

You can mark my claim

There isn't any better

And there's none the same

Slytherin's the only house

That can't be tamed!

(Severus freezes)

Severus: Oh, shit. I just gave you a musical interlude!

Dumbledore: Yay! I win!

Severus: Oh, quit gloating.

Dumbledore: Nope, I win. You have to make a potion to restore the students, Severus.

Severus: Me? Why me?

Dumbledore: Er ... you're the Potions Master.

Severus: Oh. Right. Sorry, I forgot.

Dumbledore: I think Professor Sprout is growing some Mandrakes, you might want to see her about that.

Severus: Fine. Just don't expect us to sing a duet.

Dumbledore: Ah, Severus!

Scene Three:

(Greenhouses. Colin Creevey waits for Professor Sprout to enter.)

Colin (singing to "Castle on a Cloud"):

There is a place I like to go

A lady waits for me you know

Sitting among her pots and plants

Boy, I'd like to get in her -

(A voice interupts)

Snape (offstage): Colin Creevey! Such lewd lyrics are not allowed in a PG parody!

Colin: Sorry.

(Sprout enters.)

Colin: Professor Sprout, I love you!

Sprout: Oh, Colin, you say that every day. Here, hold this Venemous Fly Trap for me?

Colin: But Professor, I have to tell you before something awful happens to me!

Sprout: Don't be silly, Colin, nothing awful is going to happen to you. Can you stand in that puddle of water and change the light bulb please?

Colin: It's very important to me that you know how much I adored you, before I go out of your life forever.

Sprout: Well, Colin, that's just sweet of you. I hear Hagrid's just made some treacle fudge, why don't you go get some?

Colin: Okay, Professor.

(Colin leaves; Severus Snape enters)

Sprout (singing to "Lovely Ladies"):

Lovely Mandrakes

Sitting in a pot

Waiting to grow big

So we can chop you up.

Precious children

Lying in their beds

We'll bring you back to life

It'll be just as I said ...

Snape (singing):

Professor Sprout, you're crazy in the head!

Sprout: Oh, Severus, I didn't see you there, or Iwouldn't have been singing.

Snape: It's not like I'm Albus. He's been known to hide behind doors, waiting for us to burst into song.

Sprout: Well, I should have the Mandrakes ready for you in just a little bit, Severus.

Snape: Oh, I wait with bated breath.

Sprout: Now, Severus! They're only children.

Snape: Stupid children, at that.

Sprout: Oh, stop grouching. You'll make the potion because Dumbledore is asking you to do it.

Snape: And don't think I don't know that! It's disgusting, how when that old man says jump, I say how high.

Sprout: You're the Potions Master, it's your job.

Snape: It's not our job to take care of the students in the school. It's our job to teach them. This goes above and beyond the call of duty.

Sprout: Old goat.

Snape (singing to "At the End of the Day"):

At the end of the day it's another kid frozen

And then they all come looking to me

Make a potion, stew a Mandrake

No one asks for my permission

Just rip right through my classroom

Why do I care?

Just my own ambition.

Sprout: I don't understand why you don't like the students.

Snape: Good lord, woman, are you going to make me sing every song in this parody?

Sprout: I thought it would be funny.

Snape: Evil wench.

Sprout: Why, Severus, I didn't know you cared!

Snape (singing to "Master of the House"):

Students of the school

Poachers of my wares

They don't have a mind

Beyond their own cares

So they're almost dead

Whoopee-frickin' do!

I don't see why this should bother

Me or you!

Running 'round the school like roaches

Snogging in corners in the night

School would be much nicer

Without any students in my sight.

Sprout (singing):

Gryffindors are brave

Ravenclaws are smart

Snape:

Hufflepuffs will run and hide

Sprout:

But they've got heart!

Snape:

Slytherins are sharp

Sprout:

But they've their faults.

Snape:

I've no use for students

Toss' em all in Gringott's vaults

Sprout:

How can you not love our students?

Shining faces, learning something new?

They're the light of my profession.

Dumbledore (entering):

Professor, I've got some news for you.

Sprout: Albus, did you just sing?!?

(Dumbledore blinks at her, and clears his throat.)

Dumbeldore: No, I did not. And Colin Creevey has been Petrified.

Act Two Scene One

(The Hospital Wing. Sprout sits by Colin's bedside.)

Sprout: Oh, the poor boy. He knew it was going to happen, he tried to tell me.

Pomfrey: Don't work yourself up over it, dear. Severus is making up the potion now. You've done your part growing those Mandrakes.

Sprout: But he was professing his love for me! And I didn't listen!

Pomfrey: Severus?

Sprout: No, Colin! Oh, Colin - I'm so sorry!

Pomfrey (singing to "Do You Hear the People Sing")

Do you see the children sleep?

Dreaming of their little loves

They might say that they do love you

And bring you turtle doves

But we cannot love them back

It's called statutory rape

It's just better not to love

They're jail-bait.

Sprout: Oh, Poppy ... just go away!

(Pomfrey moves away, and Snape enters, unnoticed by Sprout)

Severus: She's just a weak old woman. Why should anyone care about the fate if a student?

Sprout: Oh, sigh. I should have listened to you, Colin.

Severus (singing to "A Heart Full of Love"):

A heart that is soft

She's caring for him

How ridiculous she is

He's just a kid!

Why bother wasting your time

Professor Sprout?

Why do you

Care so much?

Sprout (singing):

I cannot quite say

He meant me no harm

He was here, and now he's gone

And I feel guilt.

Severus: But why?

Sprout (singing to "I Dreamed a Dream"):

I thought I could stay unattached

And never caring, never loving

And Colin showed me nothing but

His faithful side in his close hov'ring

I could have kept him by my side

He'd be here, he'd be safe now

Instead he's frozen solid through

And I am lost, there is no hope now.

(Severus backs away, his face contorted. He is ... moved, he is ... affected, he is ... still Severus Snape.)

Severus: Okay then.

(Severus leaves, and Dumbledore comes in.)

Dumbledore: Professor, Severus says that his potion is almost ready.

Sprout: Albus, I have to resign.

Dumbledore: Now, dear, I know that Colin professed his love to you and you spurned him, and now you feel guilty that it is your fault entirely that he is laying here completely frozen and may never return to his former annoying glory, but that's no reason to quit.

Sprout: If you would stop protesting, I'll explain my position in song.

(Dumbledore sits and shuts up.)

Sprout (singing to "Bring Him Home"):

Dumbledore

You're the one

Who can stop

What has been done

This young man

Must not die

He meant well

For loving I.

Let him live

Let him live

Let him live

He's like the boy I might have loved

If in my youth I loved a boy

The students sleep

In their beds

How soon they'll wake

Lift their heads

And I am old

And will be gone

Let him rise

Let him run

From this room

Out into the sun

I must go

I cannot stay

I have found

Another way

I must go

Let me go

Let him wake

Let him live

Let him live

Let him live.

Dumbledore: Okay. Thanks for the musical interlude. You'll find a glowing recommendation for you on my desk.

(Sprout leaves. Severus enters with the steaming potion.)

Snape: Where's she going?

Dumbledore: Beats me. Is that what I think it is?

Snape: Flaming Cannonball? You bet. Screw the students, Mandrakes make excellent alcohol.

Dumbledore: Bottoms up!

(They drink. And thankfully, the curtain falls.)