Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Guys and Dolls

Act One

Scene One

(Entrance Hall at Hogwarts, 50 years ago. Olive Hornby and her classmate Myrtle Brown pull each other on stage.)

Olive - Come on, Myrtle, you have to say something to him! It's not every day that the cutest prefect in the school saves your life!

Myrtle - But Olive, Tom Riddle doesn't even know my name! He might have saved me from drowning in the lake last week, but I don't think he sees me as anything but a silly Hufflepuff one year behind him.

Olive - Nonsense! You should have seen the way he worried about you afterwards.

Myrtle - Really?

Olive - Yup.

Myrtle - Well, I don't see you going after your guy - Ruben?

Olive - Rubeus. And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you.

Myrtle - Why should I talk to Tom Riddle when you won't even talk to Rubeus Hagrid?

Olive - Because Hagrid won't want to talk to me. I'm just little Olive Hornby. At least Tom Riddle saved your life!

Myrtle - Why you like Rubeus Hagrid is beyond me.

Olive - He's just so big and strong and ... dreamy!

Myrtle - Well, I won't talk to Tom unless you talk to Hagrid.

Olive - Okay, then! It's a deal!

Myrtle - (singing to "Marry the Man Today")

Talk to the boy today

No matter how scared you are

Give chase if he runs away

He can't run very far!

Myrtle & Olive: (singing)

Talk to the boy today

Don't let him walk right by you!

Talk to the boy today and don't let him ignore you!

Olive - (singing)

Talk to the boy today

It won't be quite so bad

He might even talk to you

What a conversation you'll have!

Myrtle & Olive - (singing)

Talk to the boy today

Pick up your courage and try it

Just one little word and then you'll have survived it!

Olive - That's it then! The first boy who walks in here, we'll talk to him!

Myrtle - Excellent, because here comes Hagrid now.

Olive: Oh, God! Hide me!

(Olive jumps behind Myrtle as Hagrid enters.)

Hagrid: Hullo Myrtle.

Myrtle: Hi, Hagrid. Watcha got in your pocket?

Hagrid: Er, nothin'.

Myrtle: Is it a spider?

Hagrid: No. No. Course not. Why would I have a great big man-eating spider in my coat pocket?

Myrtle: I didn't say it was a great big one.

Hagrid: Oh. Yeah, then, want ter see it?

Myrtle: No, that's all right. I think Olive wanted to say something to you.

Hagrid: Oh, hullo, Olive. Didn' see you standin' behind Myrtle like that, on account of you bein' a solid person and not a ghost or nuthin'.

Olive: Eep.

(Myrtle kicks her.)

Olive: Want a Butterbeer?

Hagrid: Sure!

(They walk off.)

Myrtle: Well, then, I guess it's my turn.

Scene Two

(Outside the Girls Bathroom)

Tom - Drat that Hagrid! I sent him off to kill those chickens, and he still hasn't come back to help me find the Chamber of Secrets!

(Myrtle enters.)

Tom - Myrtle!

Myrtle - Tom! You ... you know my name.

Tom - Of course I do. I saved your life last week. Listen, I have a question for you.

Myrtle - You do?!

Tom - Yeah. Have you seen Rubeus Hagrid?

Myrtle (disappointed) - Hagrid?

Tom - Yeah, Gryffindor Third Year, big kid, five o'clock shadow.

Myrtle - Oh. He went to Hogsmeade to have a Butterbeer with Olive Hornby.

Tom - Oh.

Myrtle - Maybe ... I could help?

Tom - No ... no. Maybe another time.

Myrtle - Oh. All right.

(She leaves, sadly kicking a pebble as she goes.)

Tom - (singing to "If I Were a Bell")

Ask me what it is like

When I see her walk into a room

Oh boy, there's no way to

Describe how my heart goes boom!

Since the moment I saved her life

I've let go of my crazy plan

Who cares about causing strife

Or trying to rule the land?

Ask me what I would do

If she were to return my affections

Oh boy, all I can say

Is there'd be no more need for detentions

I'd be the happiest Tom around, that you would plainly see

If only my girl could love me, just me just me!

(Hagrid enters.)

Tom - How was the Butterbeer, Romeo?

Hagrid - Excellent! Olive Hornby is a real swell girl.

Tom - How lucky for you to have found love. Me, I'm still looking for my Basilisk.

Hagrid - Oh, right. Forgot about that.

Tom - You did agree to help me, if I let you take it on walks now and then.

Hagrid - Yeah ... how's the search goin'?

Tom - It'd be going better if you weren't mooning over Olive Hornby and were killing those chickens like I asked you to!

Hagrid - Well, Olive's a bit distractin', y'know!

Tom - Don't I.

Hagrid - (singing to "A Bushel and a Peck")

I love her

More than a Hippogriff

More than a Basilisk

And lots more than 'rithmetic
Lots more than 'rithmetic

And I see her in my dreams

She's sweeter than she seems

And I talk too much in reams
Of Olive!

Of Olive!

Tom - (that sort of spoken-singing)

You're loony as the dickens

Would you just go kill the chickens?

Hagrid - (singing)

And I love her

More than my Aragog

She's who I'd like to snog, for sure!

Tom - (singing)

Loony-oony-oony

Loony-oony-oony

Loony-oony-oony-oo.

Hagrid - You'll understand one day how it is, when yer in love and nothin' else matters.

Tom - Don't you think I do already?

Hagrid - You're in love? Who's the girl?

Tom - Olive's friend Myrtle.

Hagrid - The girl you saved last week?

Tom - Yeah. She was here earlier, and I couldn't say more than two words to her. She makes me so nervous!

Hagrid - Just talk to her! I'm sure she can see past yer gloomy, dark exterior ter the sweet, sensitive boy I know yeh are inside!

Tom - Thanks. Just go away and kill the chickens for me, would you?

Hagrid - Sure. Hey, there's a bit o' loose rock here.

(Hagrid brushes away the loose rock. Suddenly, the wall opens up and reveals a secret passageway.)

Tom - Hey! You found the Chamber of Secrets!

Hagrid - Spiffy!

Tom - Listen, you have to go kill the chickens now, because otherwise they'll kill the Basilisk inside.

Hagrid - Sure, I'll do tha' now.

(Hagrid leaves, and Tom jumps into the secret passageway.)

Scene Three

(Inside the Chamber of Secrets. Tom and the Basilisk both speak in Parseltongue, but luckily, this parody is close-captioned, and their words will appear in English.)

Tom - Basilisk! Yoo-hoo, Basilisk!

(The Basilisk slithers out of the Chamber. It's roughly the size of a small housecat.)

Tom: Boy, you're kind of little.

Basilisk: You go for a couple of centuries without food, and see how big you get.

Tom: Cheeky fellow, aren't you?

Basilisk: Whatever. And my name is Horace.

Tom - Okay, then, Horace! Hi! I'm the Heir of Slytherin!

Basilisk - Great! I've been waiting for a long time for you.

Tom - Really?

Basilisk - Yeah, my litter box is in desperate need of cleaning.

Tom - Ew.

Basilisk - When's lunch?

Tom - (singing to "Luck be a Lady")

They call you Basilisk

And now you work for me

We're gonna clean this school up

To how it ought to be.

We'll start with Muggle-borns

And then the Hufflepuffs

And maybe if we've got time

We'll get other useless fluff!

Bas, we're doing it now!

Bas, we're killing and how!

Bas, you're the best pet I could ever hope to have

Bas, go on, you take a bow!

Basilisk - Sure. But actually, killing isn't my favorite thing.

Tom - Really?

Basilisk - I actually moonlight as an advice columnist to the love-lorn.

Tom - You're kidding.

Basilisk - Nope. You got any love troubles?

Tom - Well ...

Basilisk - Come on. Tell Unkie Horace.

Tom - There's this girl that I like. But I don't know if I can be in love and still fulfill my plans for World Domination.

Basilisk - Yeah, that's a tough one. I know I have trouble with my desire to let everyone live and be happy, and my desire to chomp down Muggle-born girls. Sometimes, life is just one big paradox.

Tom - Yeah.

Basilisk - You could always give the love thing a shot, and if it doesn't work out - hey, world's not going anywhere.

Tom - That's a great idea! Thanks Horace!

Basilisk - Anytime!

Act Two

Scene One

(Entrance Hall, Hogwarts.)

Olive - So did you talk to Tom Riddle yet?

Myrtle - I tried to talk to Tom, but he snubbed me!

Olive - You have to try again.

Myrtle - Harder than it looks, Olive.

Hagrid - Hey, Olive! Come on, the Gryffindor Common Room is empty - I have something special to show you!

Olive - Wonderful!

(Olive and Hagrid exit.)

Myrtle - (singing to "Adelaide's Lament")

Ms Hornby says
The average Hufflepuff girl
Basically insecure,
When faced with a boy she thinks is cute
Finds herself unable to speak
And very unsure
And thus will find herself suddenly mute.

In other words

Just from wanting to say hello to that special guy
A person might start to cry
You can tell her it's a reaction to nerves and fear
You can rehearse the words and steel your nerves
But when he comes near

She'll freeze in her spot and her nerves become shot

Her heart feels queer!
A person could likely die.

(Tom enters.)

Tom - Myrtle!

Myrtle - Tom! I ... I saw Hagrid, he's in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Tom - I'm not looking for Hagrid anymore, Myrtle. I wanted to find you.

Myrtle - Me?

Tom - Yes. I wanted to tell you something Myrtle - there's a girl I like - and I'm not sure she likes me back.

Myrtle - What girl couldn't like you, Tom? You're handsome, and brave ... any girl would be head over heels in love with you.

Tom - Do you really think so?

Myrtle - Of course. Why don't you just run off and tell her? I'm very happy for you. I'll go away and leave you alone and never bother you again.

Tom - No, Myrtle! The girl I was talking about is you!

Myrtle - Me? Oh ... Tom!

Tom - Can you feel the same way about me, Myrtle?

Myrtle - Oh, Tommy!

(The music swells, the film goes all fuzzy, birds start chirping, little deer go running through the woods. Eyes mist over in happy tears, and the entire student body lets out a contented sigh. In other words, they kiss.)

Tom - (singing to "I Got the Horse")

I got my girl you see

She says that she loves me

And I won't let her ever leave me

She's mine, so fine

Myrtle is my love divine

She's the one with whom I'll rhyme

She's mine, she's mine.

Myrtle - (singing)

Tommy loves me now

And he's told me how

He's gonna keep me by his side (oh, wow!)

I'm his, I'm his

Love is better than show biz

He's gonna give me fifty kids

I'm his, I'm his.

Tom - Listen, Myrtle, I'll meet you here after dinner. I have to finish feeding my pet snake.

Myrtle - Sure, Tom!

(Tom exits.)

Myrtle - Hurrah! I have finally found love again!

(She exits, humming their love duet.)

Scene Two

(Gryffindor Common Room.)

Olive - Oooh, Hagrid. It's so large and hairy!

Hagrid - Well, spiders like Aragog are large and hairy, y'know. He wouldn' hurt anyone, though.

Olive - That's good.

Hagrid - He's perfectly harmless. Jus' like Tom Riddle's pet snake.

Olive - Snake?

Hagrid - Sure. He's got a Basilisk he keeps in the secret chamber under the school.

Olive - But Hagrid! Basilisks are highly dangerous creatures! It says right here in Newt Scaramander's Guide to Fantastic Beasts that Basilisks feast on human flesh!

Hagrid - Nah ... not Horace!

Olive - Horace? You named a snake Horace?

Hagrid - Sure. Someday, I'd like a three-headed dog named Fluffy, too.

Olive - You're weird, but I love you anyway. All the same, I don't think having a Basilisk as a pet sounds like a very good idea.

Hagrid - Whatever. Let's kiss.

Olive - Okay.

(They kiss, and it's a scary enough sight that we will move on to ... )

Scene Three

(Entrance Hall, Hogwarts. That evening, after dinner.)

Olive - Myrtle! I'm glad I found you. I found out something awful about Tom.

Myrtle - There isn't anything awful about Tom! He's not hiding any horrible secrets from the school, or plotting to take over the world!

Olive - No, but he's keeping a Basilisk as a pet.

Myrtle - You mean Horace?

Olive - Who on earth names a snake Horace?

Myrtle - Tom didn't name him Horace - he came that way!

Olive - Whatever. Listen, I don't trust him. Anyone who keeps a pet snake can't be very safe, can he? Especially when that pet snake is known for eating human flesh!

Myrtle - You're just jealous because my man is smarter than yours! I heard that Hagrid set fire to the Potions Lab last week!

Olive - That was an accident!

Myrtle - Admit it, Olive! You only wish you had Tom Riddle as your boyfriend!

Olive - If I wanted Tom Riddle, I could have him a lot easier than you, you four-eyed freak!

Myrtle - Oh!

(Myrtle runs off. Tom enters.)

Tom - Hullo, Olive. Have you seen Myrtle?

Olive - She was running for the girls' bathroom last I saw.

Tom - I'll just go after her, then.

(Tom exits.)

Scene Four

(Girl's Bathroom. Myrtle is crying her eyes out in one of the stalls.)

Myrtle - Oh! How could I have ever trusted either of them?

Myrtle - (singing a reprise to "Adalaide's Lament")

You can tell her it's a reaction to nerves and fear
You can rehearse the words and steel your nerves
But when he comes near

She'll freeze in her spot and her nerves become shot

Her heart feels queer!
A person could likely die.

(A door opens, and Myrtle stops singing.)

Myrtle - Leave me alone! I don't want to be disturbed.

(Myrtle opens the door to her stall, and meets face to face with the Basilisk.)

Basilisk - Ooo, Muggle-born! Lunchtime!

Myrtle - Oh, damn.

(Myrtle dies. Tom enters the bathroom.)

Tom - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

(Tom faints.)

Scene Five

(Dumbledore's office. Tom wakes up on one of the chairs.)

Tom - Where am I?

Dumbledore - My office.

Tom - This is the Headmaster's office. You're still the Transfiguration professor.

Dumbledore - A man can dream, can't he?

Tom - I fainted. Shouldn't I be in the Infirmary, or at least in my own common room?

Dumbledore - I haven't had my musical interlude yet, and you're due another song, so we figured it was best to just have you go at it here.

Tom - Riiiiiiight.

Dumbledore - Carry on, then.

Tom - (singing to "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat")

I dreamed last night that I found the secret chamber

And there I found I could speak in Parseltongue
And so I hissed
And it worked!
I had found it!
But then Myrtle had to sing that darn song!

And that's when I think I knew
I knew my goose was cooked

The Portaits of Former Headmasters - (singing)

That's when he think he knew
He knew his goose was cooked

Tom - (singing)

And the snake went on a rampage
She was dead before she hit the floor
I knew I knew I knew I knew

I knew my goose was cooked.

Dumbledore - Great song!

Tom - Uh, right. I'm not in trouble?

Dumbledore - Not with a voice like that, you're not.

Tom - Oookay. I'm going to go take care of this now.

Dumbledore - Okiedoke.

Scene Six

(Chamber of Secrets.)

Tom - Horace! I can't believe you killed her!

Basilisk - Her who?

Tom - You killed Myrtle! She was my girlfriend!

Basilisk - Whoops.

Tom - (singing reprise to "Luck Be a Lady")

They call you Basilisk

And you're the meanest of the bunch

You've got the winning ways

Of some haggis served for lunch!

You're working for me now

But you're killing out of spite

And this really isn't funny

How you killed the girl I liked!

Bas, I'm locking you up

Bas, I'm locking you up

Bas, you were always too much trouble to begin with

Bas, I'm locking you up.

Bas, this was the last straw

I never wanted her gone

Sure, you went crazy and you didn't meant to do it

But Bas, I'm saying "So long."

Basilisk - But, Tom! You can't do this to me! I'm your ticket to stardom! Fame! Glory! Girls! With me, you could'a been a contender!

Tom - Horace, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

(Tom slams the door shut on the Chamber.)

Tom - Well, so much for love. I'll never give my heart to someone again. Might as well try to take over the world now.

(Tom exits, whistling "Bas, I'm Locking You Up" as he goes.)

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)