Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Grease

Grease

Act One, Scene One

(The stables at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Four boys enter.)

Sirius: It's the best birthday present ever - wait until you see it!

(He leads the other boys up to a dilapidated old motorbike.

Sirius: Isn't it beautiful?

James: Padfoot, it's a wreck.

Sirius: I'm gonna fix it up and make it fly.

Peter: Motorcycles don't fly!

Sirius: Mine will. Think about it - total chick magnet!

Sirius: (singing to "Greased Lightin')

I'll go flying through the night

And buzz Muggle towns oh yeah

Spin 'round the Tower of London

And nick the Queen's crown oh yeah

It's just my bike and me

All the girls will want to see

My bike'll put them in a trance

They'll all want inside my pants

My motorcycle!

(Remus, James and Peter start imitating dance moves.)

The Other Marauders (singing backup):

Gogogogogogogogo,

Sirius:

My motorcycle, it's my pride and joy oh yeah

My motorcycle, it gets me girls and boys oh yeah

I'm the best!

Who needs the rest!

My motorcycle!

Remus: You're a nutcase.

Sirius: No, I'm totally serious.

(All groan.)

James: I fail to see how having a flying motorbike is going to get you girls.

(Several Hogwarts girls walk across the stage.)

Sirius: Watch! Hey, girls! Wanna ride on my motorbike?

Girls: Ooooo, Sirius Black! We love you and your motorcycle!

(The girls throw themselves at Sirius, who wags his eyebrows at the other guys.)

Peter: Oh good lord.

James: Well, now that he mentions it, that motorcycle does make him look kind of hot ...

(Remus slaps James.)

James: Thanks. I needed that.

Scene Two

(Hogwarts Lawn)

Remus: I'm so glad we got over that Gryffindor versus Slytherin thing. It was really getting to be a drag.

Severus: Yeah, I'm much happier being in love with you, despite the fact that me being in any sort of soupy-doopy love is completely wrong for the personality that my creator has given me.

Remus: Aw, Sevvie! You say the sweetest things!

Severus (singing to "Summer Loving")

Gryffindors make the best mates

They've got all sorts of good traits

My guy's the best, he is so smart

He swooped right in, and stole my heart!

Remus:

Slytherins are self-assured

They know great romantic words

Your sweet talk makes my heart melt

Your hair's the slimiest I've ever felt.

Severus & Remus:

All the houses have real great guys

But oh, you're the one in my eye!

Remus: Uh-oh, it's getting late. I have to go.

Severus: But, Remmie, it's a full moon tonight! I thought we could go tiptoeing through the tulips!

Remus: Maybe tomorrow.

Scene Three

(Great Hall. Severus gives a withering sigh, looking longingly at the Gryffindor table, from which Remus is notably absent. Sirius Black approaches the Slytherin table. Just about every female student in Hogwarts is hanging on to him, and several of the teachers look mighty tempted.)

Severus: I miss my boy.

Sirius: Gag. A love-sick Snape! If that isn't enough to make you lose your lunch, I don't know what is.

Severus: Shut it, Black. You have no idea how I feel.

Sirius: Sure I do. Me and my bike are separated every day. Dumbledore won't let me keep it in the castle. You're only separated from Remus once a month.

Severus: You and your bike! One might think you and that bike share an improper relationship, Black.

Sirius: Why you - how dare you suggest that I'd molest my bike in that manner? You're so love-sick for your boyfriend, why don't you check out the Whomping Willow after moonrise tonight?

Severus: That's where he goes? Good! I can surprise him with a picnic!

(Severus leaves the Great Hall. James walks up to Sirius.)

James: What did you tell him?

Sirius: Er, nothing?

James: Are you stupid? If Severus walks into the Shrieking Shack, he'll be bitten - and if Remus bites him, he'll be expelled! You idiot!

(James runs off after Severus.)

Peter: Dumbledore is gonna be so pissed at you.

Sirius: What do I need Dumbledore for? I got a bike, I got girls - I don't need anyone! This is my chance to leave here and pursue my dream of being an International Gigolo!

Peter: What about school?

Sirius: What about it? Who needs school when you have babes!

Sirius (singing to "Look at Me I'm Sandra Dee")

Look at me, I'm Sirius

I ain't taking no Knight Bus

The chicks all want my

Smooth loving; they sigh

Oh wow, there's Sirius!

I can curse, I can hex

Hickeys on those girls' necks

They'll want to shag me all day

International fame

Chicks calling my name

No school can stand in my way!

Hogwarts, now you're history

There's more in London for me

I'm gonna go

London's swinging scene - ho!

Goodbye, Ol' Hogwarts!

(Sirius leaves the stage.)

Peter: That dummy, he didn't even get the last line to rhyme.

Act Two

Scene One

(The Infirmary)

Peter: So here's what's been happening while you've been ill, Remus. Sirius told Severus how to get past the Whomping Willow, and Severus is a bit shaken up that you're a werewolf and didn't tell him. Meanwhile, Sirius has dropped out of Hogwarts and is going to try his hand at being an International Gigolo.

Remus: That idiot.

Peter: You mean Sirius or Severus?

Remus: Both! Sirius to think he can make it as a gigolo, and Severus for not knowing I'm a werewolf already. I mean, how many times can I tell him I'm allergic to silver?

Peter: Oh. Well, I tried to talk to him, but he's really upset and doesn't want to talk to you right now.

Remus: Well, I guess I'll just have to give him time to think about it. Maybe he'll realize that I wouldn't have hurt him. Hopefully, then, he'll start thinking, and come up with some fabulous potion that will let me keep my head when I change into a wolf. Maybe that potion will allow me to re-enter society as a functional human being who has a slight disciplinary problem once a month, so I can follow my own dream of being a Hogwarts professor. That way I could start teaching underage wizards incredibly complex spells like the Patronus Charm that in no way should they be able to perform, even though they think they already do because of some weird time-anomaly stuff, thereby saving not only themselves but their friends and godfathers.

Peter: Um, right. I'm going away now. You all scare me.

Scene Two

(London street)

Sirius: Oh, London sucks. I checked all the papers, and no one is hiring International Gigolos. I've gotten six parking tickets for the bike, and I've run out of petrol anyway so I can't drive it. And to top it off, I'm starving. Well, since no one seems to give me food as a human, I guess I'll try my luck as a dog.

(Sirius changes into his Animagi form. Almost immediately, a dog-catcher springs out of nowhere and tosses a huge net over him.

Dog Catcher: Gotcha!

Sirius: Woof.

(Which means "Oh Shit" in dog language.)

Scene Three

(The Dog Pound. Sirius the dog sits in a cage, surrounded by puppies. Several dog-catchers walk through.)

Dog Catcher #1: And we caught that big black one today. We're going to neuter him in the morning.

Dog Catcher #2: Excellent!

(They leave, and Sirius morphs back into a human.)

Sirius: Well, this just bites.

(Suddenly, a spotlight shines on Sirius, and he looks up. A form descends from the heavens, his back to the audience.)

Sirius: Who are you?

The Form: Your guardian wizard, you moron.

(The Form turns around.)

Sirius: You're - you're Filch.

Filch: Yes, and your stupid plans to be an International Gigolo have totally ruined my plans to mop the Great Hall this afternoon. So shut it, and let's get this over with.

(Dumbledore enters, sets down a chair, and makes himself comfortable.)

Sirius: Headmaster, sir? What are you doing here?

Dumbledore: It's a musical interlude. I love musical interludes. I'm going to disappear once the song is done because my presence is completely superfluous to the story-line.

Sirius: What, there's a story-line?

Filch: (singing to "Beauty School Dropout")

It's a story I've seen told

Since the olden days of old

The one who wasn't as good as he thought.

The world ain't easy on your own

You're cold and hungry and alone

And the vet wants to put you on the chopping block!

Magic School Dropout

No levitation charms for you

Magic School Dropout

They came and snapped your wand in two!

Your fine robes are all ripped and torn

You're stuck here at the pound

Your charms won't get you anywhere

'Less the guards would like a hound!

Siri, don't worry

The Muggle world is not for you

Siri, you know that

There's a place cut out for you

You've seen the light

You know what's right

I'm off to leave you here

Neutering's better than detention any year.

Magic School Dropout ...go back to Hogwarts

Magic School Dropout ...go back to Hogwarts

(Filch flies away again. One of the dog-catchers walks in.)

Dog Catcher: Hey, there's a guy in the cage with all those dogs!

Sirius: Hi.

Dog Catcher: How'd you get in there?

Sirius: Animal magnetism.

Scene Four

(Hogwarts Stables)

Remus: Severus! Wait! I want to talk to you.

Severus: Fine. Talk.

Remus: Listen, I'm sorry I never told you that I'm a werewolf. I wasn't sure if you'd still love me.

Severus: You obviously don't trust me either with your secret or your heart. It's over between us.

Remus: No! Oh, Sev, you just don't get it, do you?

Remus: (singing to "There are Worse Things I could Do")

There are worse things I could do

Then bite a student ... or two!

Being a werewolf ain't so bad

Sure, it's lonesome and it's sad

But that's no cause to bite you

That's the worst thing I could do.

I could tell Peter and James

That you like those kinky games

Where it's only you and me

And perhaps some MTV

Some Real Sex Ten sure sounds nice

But bite you? That isn't nice.

Severus:

I never once thought you would try

To make me a werewolf guy

I've put my trust into your hands

Real Sex sounds mighty grand

There's a telly over there

Let's settle down, my love bear.

Remus: So I'm forgiven?

Severus: Sure. You were never in trouble anyway, I just wanted someone to sing to me for once.

Remus: Awwwww....

(Sirius enters the stables, along with his motorbike)

Remus: Sirius! You're back!

Sirius: Yeah, London wasn't what I thought it would be.

Severus: I'm sorry I insinuated that you and your bike have an improper relationship, Black. I was just lonesome because my Remmie was having his time of the month.

Sirius: That's all right.

(Peter & James enter.)

James: Yea! Everyone's back, and everyone made up. We can go back to our happy-go-lucky Maraudering selves.

Severus: I refuse to be happy or go-lucky. I do have a reputation to maintain.

James: Party-pooper.

James (singing to "We Go Together"):

We go together like

Wingardium Leviosa, Expelliarmus!

Marauders Forever, like

Expecto Patronus, Veritaserum

Wolfsbane and Monkshood

Are the same thing .... like us, yeah!

(Peter points his wand at James.)

Peter: Stupefy!

Severus: Thank Merlin someone did that.

Sirius: Good ol' Petey, he's useful after all!

Severus: (singing to "Summer Loving")

Werewolf loving, it's sure the best.

Fur's a-flying, boy what a mess.

He's all I want, he's all I need

If I'm a cat, he's got me treed!

Sirius:

Hogwarts School, here's where I'll stay

Until they boot me on Leaving Day

The world is scary, this now I know

And this is the end of our show

Peter, Sirius, Severus and Remus:

Don't you think our show was great?

Oh yeah ... and obliviate!

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)

***

That's the third installment of the Broadway Musical series, folks. As always, flames are welcome, suggestions are necessary if you want another parody, and please do register your votes for how many times the original authors turned over in their graves.