Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Annie

Annie

Act One, Scene One

(Dumbledore's Office. McGonagall enters)

McGonagall: Another year, another sorting...

Dumbledore: Another parody, another chance for a musical interlude...

McGonagall: Oh, Albus, not again! Haven't you had enough of them?

Dumbledore: Never! Now, Minerva, don't go singing a song while I'm greeting the students.

McGonagall: Wouldn't dream of it, Albus.

(Dumbledore exits. McGonagall goes to the Sorting Hat and picks it up)

McGonagall: Help?

Sorting Hat: What, you think I want him to hear another musical interlude? You don't know how insufferable he is afterwards! That one from Sound of Music nearly was the end of me.

Scene Two

(Great Hall. McGonagall puts the Sorting Hat on a stool)

Sorting Hat (singing to "Hard Knock Life"):

It's to Hufflepuff for her

It's to Slytherin for him

It's a chore that I have had

For the last milleniad

I'm the Sorting Hat.

Do you want to know how all this started?

Why the houses are split up just like this?

Do you think you know the real story?

I'll tell you my version ain't like his.

It starts with a wizard named Sal Slytherin

And my lord, he was in such a plight

He had a secret he'd tell no one

At least without putting up a fight.

Shall I show you now?

Come on and grab my brow

Go back a few years or thou

Trust me, you'll go 'wow'.

(The Sorting Hat jumps up and spins ... and is suddenly gone. Dumbledore enters the room, rubbing his hands together.)

Dumbledore: Time for my musical interlude?

McGonagall: Shucks, Albus, you just missed it. And apparently the rest of the parody is taking place a thousand years in the past, so I think you're out of luck.

Dumbledore: Oh. Dear.

McGonagall: Albus. Put that seam ripper down!

Dumbledore (hiding something behind his back): What seam ripper?

(A tussle, but we'll move right along to...)

Scene Three

(Hogwarts, a thousand years ago. Salazar Slytherin walks by, whistling)

Helga: Salazar! Oh, Salazar!

Salazar: Oh, hullo Helga.

Helga: Salazar, I'm horribly sorry to interrupt you - were you thinking of anything important?

Salazar: Actually, Helga - you can help me.

(He turns and takes her hands. Helga's eyelashes flutter.)

Helga: Yes, Salazar?

Salazar: There's someone I truly care about here at Hogwarts. I would very much like to speak to them, but I'm ... afraid.

Helga: Don't be afraid, Salazar! Tell me, er, them, your true feelings!

Salazar: But what if I'm rejected?

Helga: I would never ... I mean, if they truly care for you, they won't reject you.

Salazar: Oh, Helga, I do hope you're right.

Helga: Oh, Salazar!

(She puckers up for a kiss but Salazar turns away, looking longingly in the distance.)

Salazar: Sigh!

(He wanders off. Helga sighs. While she sings, Rowena Ravenclaw enters)

Helga (singing to "Maybe"):

Maybe someday soon

I'll tell him how I feel

He'll have been off killing Muggles

I'll have transfigured a seal.

He'll take me in his arms

And hold me for a while

He'll say I'm getting too fat

I'll try to make him smile!

Betcha he's sweet

When he's in bed

Betcha he doesn't

Always see red.

Betcha he'd like

To love only me -

Why does he wait

When we're meant to be?

So maybe I'll tell him

And then we'll be happy

He'll finally give me a baby...

Maybe.

(Rowena offers golf claps)

Rowena: Adorable, dear.

Helga: Oh, Rowena! I didn't see you there.

Rowena: No, I didn't imagine you had. So you're in love with our Professor Slytherin, I see?

Helga: I know he's a bit difficult to love, Rowena, but truly he's a good man.

Rowena: Uh-huh.

Helga: Don't you think I could make him love me, Rowena?

Rowena: Oh goodness. Why not? Why don't you go off now and figure out a way to tell him?

Helga: Oh, what a marvelous idea, Rowena! Thank you!

(She runs off)

Rowena: How interesting.

(Godric Gryffindor enters. He has obviously been spending a whole lot of time bench pressing a hippogriff or two.)

Godric: Rowena, have you see Helga anywhere?

Rowena: She just left.

Godric: Ah! I'll go find her.

Rowena: I think she's working on something. Did you need her for something?

Godric: Well ... I was planning on telling her, but as you're here I might as well tell you first.

Rowena: Indeed.

Godric: I have decided that I'm in love with Helga and I want to marry her.

Rowena: Really?

Godric: Yes. I think we shall make a splendid pair. With my great courage and her loyalty, we will become an invincible force, and very possibly have thousands of magical children who are both brave, loyal, and ... er ...

Rowena (under her breath): Can't count.

Godric: What was that, Rowena?

Rowena: Nothing, Godric.

Godric: Well. I can't interrupt her work.

Rowena: Why don't you go work out in the weight room until tomorrow morning, and then tell her how you feel then?

Godric: Tomorrow?

Rowena: Well, your pecs are looking a bit ... limp.

Godric: Egad! Well, I suppose a few rotations wouldn't hurt. Thanks, Rowena!

Rowena: My pleasure.

(Godric leaves)

Rowena (singing to "Little Girls"):

He's in love

She's in love

Everywhere I turn they are swooning.

She's in love

He's in love

God, all this love-making is loony.

I find that logic defies love

I'd like them all to simply disappear

Can't Apparate

Or Obliviate

They're not invented; I'm stuck here!

He's in love

She's in love

Can't they just go shag and call it over?

I can't take

Much more love

Without developing heart murmur!

Some witches can't stand the fire

Some witches can't stand being wet

He's in love, she's in love

What is it I can't stand?

Wanna bet?

(Salazar enters, still looking dreamy. He runs into Rowena quite literally and falls on the floor.)

Salazar: Oh, Rowena, I didn't see you.

Rowena: I'd noticed.

Salazar: I was just thinking of ... someone.

Rowena: Oh, Sal, just tell me already. You're deeply in love with me and you'd do anything to have me, even though it means breaking Helga's heart.

Salazar: Er, no, actually. I'm not in love with you.

Rowena: Helga, then.

Salazar: Not her either.

Rowena: That leaves ... oh dear.

Salazar: Oh wow. It feels so good to finally tell someone! I feel like I've been locked in a dark little room with no windows with a lot of coats hanging in my face, and a pile of shoeboxes at my feet, and that with this admission of my love, I have been set free!

Rowena: In other words, like you've been let out of the closet?

Salazar: Rowena, I can't begin to thank you.

Rowena: Sure you can. Why don't you tell your intended about your love tomorrow morning?

Salazar: That's a great idea! I'll do it!

Rowena: This should be most interesting.

Salazar (singing to "Tomorrow"):

That's when I'll come out

Tomorrow

And we'll live together

And never more part

He's my own.

He'll open his arms

Tomorrow

No more inward

Tortured sorrow

Never alone.

We'll be happy at last

The past

Forgotten

Just me and him

We'll swim

And play

Oh....

It'll all be grand

Tomorrow

Troubles over, life will finally

Start Tomorrow

I can't wait!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

He'll love me tomorrow

You're the wizard

Who's meant for me.

(From another part of the castle)

Helga:

That's when I'll ask

Salazar

Let me tame you

Let me love you

Be my own.

He'll rest at my knee

Tomorrow

I'll clear his schedule

Banish sorrow

Never alone!

(And from yet another part of the castle)

Godric:

That's when I'll say

Dear Helga

You're sweeter than

Peach Melba.

Be my own.

I say this to her

Tomorrow

Get away from fighting

And from sorrow

Never alone.

(And from our original place)

Rowena:

That's when it all ends

For lovers

I'll be laughing

They won't need rubbers

Hear them moan!

They'll spill all their guts

Tomorrow

Hall filled with fighting

And with sorrow

Always alone!

All of them:

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I can't wait

Tomorrow

That's when all

Will go my way!

Act Two, Scene One

(The next morning. Rowena comes in to breakfast whistling)

Rowena: Oh, what a lovely day this will be.

Helga: Rowena, have you see Salazar yet?

Rowena: No, not yet!

(Helga leaves as Salazar enters)

Salazar: Rowena, have you seen him yet?

Rowena: No, not yet!

(Salazar leaves as Godric enters)

Rowena: No, not yet!

Godric: Er, I didn't say anything.

Rowena: But you were going to ask if I'd seen Helga yet.

Godric: Well, yes.

Rowena: I answered. Maybe I'm psychic.

Godric: Sure. Whatever.

(Helga runs in)

Helga: Rowena, have you seen Salazar?

Godric: Helga! I've been looking for you.

Rowena: Oh boy!

Helga: Yes, Godric?

Godric: I've decided that I love you and we should be married.

Helga: How nice. Have you seen Salazar?

Godric (singing to "Anything But You"):

Love me at last

Love me forever

Just you and I

Through all kinds of weather.

You don't need Salazar

To make your dreams come true.

Helga Love,

I'm the one for you!

Yesterday you didn't love me

(You won't do that again)

But today you adore me

And that's

The way

It ends!

I'm the hunk of the land

You're cute as a button

We could sell seats

To our sweet ruttin'

There isn't anyone

Who's cute as me it's true

But Helga

I think you will do.

Helga: Uh-huh.

(Rowena snickers.)

Godric: Rowena? Are you all right?

Rowena: Frog in my throat. Don't mind me.

Godric: So, Helga, whaddya say, babe?

Helga: I'm in love with Salazar, thanks.

Godric: Maybe you'll change your mind?

Helga: Doubtful. Thanks.

(Salazar enters)

Godric: Ah. Well. Then. Here's the man of the moment, why don't you tell him?

Salazar: Godric! I've been looking for you!

Godric: Isn't that nice? Helga here has something to tell you.

Salazar: Can I say something first?

Godric: Nah, best get her over with.

(Rowena doubles over, trying not to laugh.)

Salazar: Rowena? Are you in pain?

Rowena: No, no, carry on!

Helga: Salazar ... I love you!

Salazar: Oh. Dear.

Helga: Salazar?

Salazar (singing to "Without a Smile"):

Hey, Rowena

Hey, dear Helga

You've got something great

But Godric's

The guy who has for me

Got what it takes.

Your smiles are bright

They shine all night

Your figures are trim

But sweethearts

Godric's shining eyes

Make your dim.

I can't explain why

I love him and don't love you.

He makes my heart go boom boom boom

And I know that is true.

(So you see...)

Now, Rowena

Now, dear Helga

You can't have this ring

There's just the little

Fact of which

Way I swing!

(Utter, complete silence)

Salazar: Godric, will you marry me?

(Utter, complete silence continues)

Salazar: Godric?

Godric: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Rowena: I think that's a 'no'.

Salazar: But ... Rowena made me think you'd accept me!

Godric: What? She told me to tell Helga that I loved her!

Helga: But she told me to tell Salazar I loved him!

(Rowena starts to sneak out of the Great Hall)

Salazar, Godric & Helga: Rowena!

Rowena: Now, are you going to deny a girl a little bit of fun?

Salazar, Godric & Helga: Yes!

Rowena: I see.

Salazar: You tricked us!

Godric: You played us for fools!

Helga: You had no right!

Rowena: But it was funny.

Godric (singing to "NYC"):

Rowena

What makes you so cruel?

You're mean

You're bad

You're vile

Rowena

We're naught but your tools

For fun

To make

You smile

You love to see us suffering so

For the dreams we call our own

You can help but knowing it though

That you're truly all alone

Rowena

You're evil and ... witchy!

Get lost

Get out

Don't try

To pout

Just go

Dear Ro-

Wena!

Rowena: Ah. I see how it goes then. Fine. I'll leave. There's a nice man named Aloysius Dumbledore who wants to marry me and have children who have a love of keeping secrets from people, as well as a penchant for musical interludes. Perhaps one of them will return to Hogwarts in a few centuries to create havoc by popping into musical interludes unannounced as well as not telling fifteen year old children things they ought to know to keep their renegade godfathers from getting themselves needlessly killed.

(Rowena leaves)

Salazar: I can't stay here either, not and face Godric every day knowing that we can never be together. I'll go off to some foreign land and never return, and maybe I'll marry some veela in France and we'll have a few very blond children who eventually immigrate back to England and change their name to Malfoy. Someone please remember to feed my pet Basilisk, Horace.

(Salazar leaves)

Godric: Sooo .... Helga ... it appears I'm the last man at Hogwarts ...

Helga: How nice for you.

Godric: Well, if I'm to be spurned, I won't stay here either. I think I'll go off as well. I think I'll start a brood of children who will make their living by pottery, and thus take the last name Potter. Then I'll get disenchanted with that life, and maybe settle in Romania, where I'll hone my bodybuilding skills and have another bunch of children with the less pronounceable name of Schwarzenneggar, who will emigrate to America and run for governor of California.

(Godric leaves)

Helga: I am so not feeding that Basilisk on my own.

(And thankfully ... the curtain falls.)