And Chaos Ensued

They continued their walk, and this time they did not stop until they reached the doors through which they had come into the castle. They crossed the Entrance Hall and pushed through the doors into an enormous room spanned by four long tables. A group of people was already seated at one of the tables, talking comfortably with each other. They all looked up as Dumbledore led the guests into the chamber.

"Hello, everybody!" Dumbledore yelled across the room as he led them towards the occupied table.

"Hello, Professor," a few of the seated wizards said in unison.

"Who're these, then?" shouted a tall, red-haired boy, pointing at the agents.

"Everybody, meet Mr. Fox Mulder, Ms. Dana Scully, and their son William, and Ms. Monica Reyes and Mr. John Doggett. They're here at Hogwarts as our guests today," explained Dumbledore. "Agents, meet Misters Ron, Fred, and George Weasley, Miss Ginny Weasley, their mother Mrs. Molly Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger, Mr. Sirius Black, and Mr. Harry Potter."

"Pleased to meet you," said Reyes, shaking Harry's hand fervently and looking star-struck.

Snape quickly pulled her arm away from Harry. "Don't waste your attention on Potter, for he deserves none of it." Reyes looked unsure as to what to do, so he suavely added, "Can I get you something to drink?"

She hesitated. "Sure," she finally said. "What do you have?"

Snape gazed down into her eyes. "Anything you want," he said in his trademark low whisper.

"Uh, great. I'll have a martini." She turned to her partner. "John, you want any-" But Snape had already disappeared towards his office, and Doggett glared after him.

Dumbledore took advantage of the awkward silence to seize everybody's attention. "Please, sit down, everyone," he said warmly. "So, I assume you already know all about Harry and his most interesting life?" he asked the agents.

Mulder responded, "Actually, I'm not familiar with any of this. It's more Reyes's specialty, not mine."

Harry turned red and looked down at the table as his best friends and godfather took the liberty of recounting every moment of Harry's life, from his infancy to the homework he had done the night before. When they mentioned Voldemort, the most evil, sinister dark wizard to plague the Earth, Mulder finally spoke up.

"Oh yeah, I know that guy. His name's not really Voldemort, though; that's just an alias. His name's C.G.B. Spender. And actually, he's my father."

Harry looked up and said, "Actually, he's my father. Or so fanfiction writers have told me."

"Wow, my dad sure gets around, doesn't he?" Mulder said. "Every few years I pick up a new sibling, or a clone of one. But then they're kidnapped, tortured, and disfigured, and die horrible deaths and get burned alive and decompose into green alien acid..."

Scully hissed at him under her breath and poked him to shut him up. The others around the table were staring at him, appalled; they had suddenly lost their appetites for the lunch that was on its way.

"Um, so..." Mulder broke the silence. "You people are really magical, huh?"

"Yeah, mate, we sure are," said Ron.

"Well, I'd sure love to see some real magic. What can you guys do that's really impressive?"

Mulder's eyes turned first to Harry, who blushed a bit and said, "Erm, I think we'd best leave that to the experts..." Harry turned his head and looked at Professor McGonagall.

"Very well," said the professor. She got up from her seat and walked over to the aisle in front of the table. Nothing happened for a moment-- but in a blink of an eye, Professor McGonagall was gone, and a tabby cat was standing in her place.

Mulder, Scully, and Reyes applauded enthusiastically. But when the cat caught Doggett staring skeptically in its direction, it quickly morphed back into McGonagall's human form. "Not impressed, Agent Doggett?"

"Well, sure, I tend to be impressed when a woman turns herself into a cat. It's not something I see every day."
"But he's more of a dog person," Reyes joked, smiling fondly at her partner.

"A dog person," McGonagall repeated thoughtfully. Doggett decided he didn't like the look on her face one bit. Nor did he like it when she raised her wand and pointed it straight at him. His eyes widened and he started to back away.

McGonagall muttered something inaudible and, with a flick of her wrist, an array of carnation-pink light poured out of the tip of the wand and hit Doggett square in the chest. He lost his balance and fell backwards to the floor, and another flash momentarily blinded everyone watching. When their eyes adjusted again, they found that Doggett's clothes were lying in a heap, in the rough shape of a six-foot-tall FBI agent.

Unfortunately, the FBI agent was not inside them.

"What the bleep-" Scully muttered, staring down at the empty, smoking clothing. She dumped William into Mulder's arms, kneeled to examine the evidence, and then looked incredulously up at McGonagall. "Where'd he go?"

"Right there," said the professor, and she pointed at a small lump within Doggett's suit jacket, suddenly moving towards Scully's hand. Scully jumped up in surprise and they all watched- some in horror, some in amusement- as an immaculately white, curly-haired, five-pound toy poodle nosed its way out of Doggett's sleeve.

"Oh, my God," said Scully, horrified.

"Oh, my God," said Mulder, delighted.

"That was a great martini," said Reyes, chewing on her olive, oblivious.

The poodle looked up at them in bewilderment, its head cocked to one side. It opened its mouth as if to speak, but all that came out was, "Yip?"

Mulder burst out laughing, and pointed a finger at the poor, utterly appalled poodle, showing William. "See, look at Uncle John! What does Uncle John say?"

"Woof!" William cried gleefully.

"Actually, yip!" said Mulder, and backed off, still laughing, as the poodle started to growl at him.

Doggett sat there, his new tail motionless on the floor, oversized ears drooping, glaring up at everyone around him- especially Snape, who now had Monica's undivided attention. Doggett ran over to her and tugged on her pant leg, whimpering. She looked down and gasped with delight.

"It's a doggie!" she exclaimed, and scooped the poodle up, holding him to her cheek. "Awww, he's sooo cute! Wook at the wittle baby doggie-dog-Doggett!" Doggett licked her hand pathetically, apparently begging to be put out of his misery.

"Hey, Professor McGonagall, weren't you going to go check on William's wizard status?" Mulder said, a bit hastily.

"Oh, that's right. I'll be back in a couple hours. Harry, Ron, and Hermione will give you all a grand tour while I'm gone." With that, she turned and walked briskly out of the room.

Doggett let out what could only be described as a wail, and Scully started to call the professor back, but Mulder pressed a hand over her mouth, grinning. She narrowed her eyes at him. "You're evil," she scolded, but smiled.

Scully reached into William's very large diaper bag, pulled out a fabric sling baby carrier, and handed it to Reyes. Monica frowned at it for a moment, but then got the idea and slipped her arms into the straps. Doggett began to struggle wildly as she tried to stuff him into the baby carrier, but eventually he realized that a position next to Reyes' chest was one to envy, and settled into the sling quite comfortably. He stuck out his tongue at Snape as Monica scratched him behind the ears.

"That's a good puppy..." Reyes cooed, and Snape took her arm, raising an eyebrow at Doggett as if to say, 'I'm not the one in the baby carrier, buddy.'

To add insult to injury, Snape leaned sideways and kissed Monica suavely-- but the kiss was cut short when Doggett snarled, barked, and sank his needle-like teeth into Snape's throat. In quick succession Snape cursed, wrenched the poodle out of his neck, drew his wand, and closed his jugular vein by magic before he bled to death. Doggett was still barking ferociously, his immaculately white fur now stained with a bit of blood.

"Ohhhhh, are you okay, Severus?" Monica simpered.

"I'm fine," Snape growled through gritted teeth, fixing the poodle with a death glare. He took Monica's arm once again.

As if to show Snape who was boss, Doggett stuck his tiny black nose deep into Monica's chest, and burrowed there with his paws like he was trying to dig up a bone.

"No! Bad Doggett! Get your paws off me!" shouted Monica. She reached into the baby carrier, lifted Doggett out, and placed him on the floor. "Looks like someone has a little pent-up energy. Why don't you run around and get some exercise, little doggie?"

Doggett growled; he wasn't about to give up that easily. He waited until Monica had turned her attention back to Snape, and then ran up and began to hump her leg. Rather, he began to hump her ankle.

Monica looked down, appalled. "No! Dammit, John, later! Later!" She kicked her leg repeatedly until Doggett flipped over and fell to the floor.

"John? Later?" said Snape, alarmed, but he quickly resumed his smooth demeanour. "Another martini for Miss Reyes, I think," he added, and swept off to his private minibar in his office.

"He is just so sexy when he walks that way," Monica sighed.

Doggett sat there staring at Reyes and looking quite anxious, but he didn't fancy another kick to his curly tail, so he looked around desperately for somewhere to relieve his arousal. He settled on Scully's leg, but before he knew it Mulder had grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and lifted him up to eye level.

"As soon as you're not five pounds of pretty white fluff, I'm kicking your ass," said Mulder. With a flourish he threw Doggett against the wall. Doggett slid to the ground with a depressing 'splat,' then lay down, watching the others miserably.

"Are you okay, Scully?" said Mulder.

"I'm fine, Mulder."

As Snape returned with another drink for Monica, Mulder and Scully turned their attention to Ginny Weasley, who was ogling Harry from her safe seat beside her mother.

"I'm pretty sure she hasn't taken her eyes off him the entire time we've been here," said Scully.

Mulder grinned. "If only I'd caught you gazing at me like that down in the basement every day, maybe we wouldn't have wasted so much time..."

"I did not gaze at you," she insisted. "You know I wouldn't be caught dead doing something so pathetic--"

"PARDON ME?" shrieked Mrs. Weasley, rising from her seat. "Did I just hear the word pathetic used to describe my Ginny? My baby, my only daughter--"

Undaunted, Scully stepped up. "Well, yes, you know, I really think you should talk to her about her social state--"

"I won't have some unmarried American federal whore telling me how to raise my children, thank you very much!"

"Well, it's true!" Scully said defensively. "Your daughter has some serious issues that must be dealt with!"

"Well at least I don't have a little freak for a son!"

"At least my kid hasn't been possessed by an evil dark lord!"

Scully and Mrs. Weasley continued in this manner for quite some time, and their argument flared into a fiery battle between overprotective mothers. The uproar finally ended when Mrs. Weasley stalked away and out of the Great Hall, leaving Scully staring angrily and incredulously after her.

"Molly--" said Dumbledore, and he hurried out after her.

"You wouldn't do that to our children, would you?" Harry asked Hermione anxiously.

"No, of course not," said Hermione. "I think it's just the red hair."

"Hey!" objected Ginny.

"Shut up," said Harry, annoyed. "For the last time, you are not having my children! I do not sleep with fangirls!"

Very audible gasps issued from under the table. Startled, Harry ducked down and lifted up the tablecloth; a herd of fangirls shrieked and scampered out from under the table.

"How did they get in here?" Harry said angrily, standing up on the table to keep the girls from jumping on him.

"Did you hear that?" one fangirl said dejectedly. "He's not going to sleep with us after all!"

"I can't believe it!" said another.

"I'm going to commit suicide!"

"I'm coming with you!"

"Wahhhhhhhh!"

The fangirls moved as one toward the door, presumably heading towards the Hogwarts lake, in which they planned to drown themselves. Poor Doggett found himself in their direct path and he squealed at Reyes for help; she scooped him up just as he was about to be trampled into a Korean delicacy.

But one of the fangirls, having just noticed Mulder present and suddenly looking very good in jeans, a gray T-shirt, and a black leather jacket, shouted, "WAIT!"

The stampede came to a halt and turned around.

"I have a better idea," said the fangirl. "Let's go join the FBI and be assigned to the X-Files division so we can help Mulder forget about Scully after her sudden, nasty, and untimely death!"

"Good idea, Special Agent Mary Sue!"

Mulder looked at his current and still-alive partner uneasily. "Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Run!"

At that moment the horde of fangirls descended on them like a swarm of virus-carrying, corn-crop pollinating bees. Mulder and Scully ran for the doors, swatting behind them at the girls giving chase. With a great effort they managed to shove them out of the Great Hall and lock them in the Entrance Hall. Panting, they leaned against the doors, which could barely contain the fangirls' frantic attempts to get back inside.

"Are you okay, Scully?"

"I'm fine, Mulder."

Ron cocked an eyebrow at Mulder. "Uh... what happened to your suit?"

"What?"

"I mean, why isn't it a suit anymore?"

Mulder looked down at himself and noticed his change of clothes for the first time. "Ohhh," he said, understanding. "This is The Outfit. Makes me irresistible to mindless fangirls, and most other heterosexual females, for that matter. Especially those named Teresa, so I'm told."

"And those named Hermione," said Hermione, looking him over with approval.

"I have a black leather invisibility cloak," Harry offered, feeling a bit unfashionable.

"You do not," scoffed Ron. "You have a homemade knit sweater with a stupid dragon on the front."

"Hey, that's cool too," said Mulder, trying unsuccessfully to encourage Harry, who just grumbled.

"I'm interested," said Scully, deciding to change the subject to something a bit more intelligent than fashion. "Does magic have limitations? Is there anything it can't do?"

"I'm afraid so," said Hermione. "Some things just can't be changed by magic-- weather, for instance. Even You-Know-Who wouldn't be able to stop it from raining if he wanted to take a beach holiday."

"And it's a good thing I never died, because magic can't bring people back from the dead," said Sirius.

"That's right," said Ron. "But other than that, magic can do just about anything!"

"I don't know about that," said Scully. "Can it really fix unconquerable addictions to porn?" she asked, looking pointedly at Mulder.

"You know, my wife asked the very same question," said Sirius matter-of-factly to Scully.

"Sirius, you don't have a wife," Harry pointed out.

At that moment, the doors of the Great Hall opened a crack, and Remus Lupin squeezed his way out of the throng of fangirls and made his way over to the table.

"Hello everyone, sorry I'm late," he said. He embraced Sirius and engaged in a passionate snog.

"Oh... my... God..." said Ron.

"My eyes! My eyes!" said Hermione.

"I... I have a godmother!" said Harry.

"Are you okay, Scully?"

"I'm fine, Mulder."