Swept From the Past

Chapter 25: A Slytherin's heart - part one

The ninth of January came. The fifth year's Defence Against the Dark Arts class was over. The flow of students passed the door. Severus waited for a sign from Burns. She didn't say a word to him, so he decided to leave. He took a few steps, but Dumbledore entered the classroom.

"Severus," the Headmaster said, "I wanted to see you." Dumbledore held out a package for him. "Happy birthday!"

"Thank you, Headmaster," Severus replied. His birthday... he had almost forgotten. Severus opened the package. It contained a pair of black socks.

"I thought you might appreciate this colour," Dumbledore said.

"Indeed," Severus replied politely. The Headmaster liked offering people socks. Not a wonderful present, but at least the colour was fine.

"Professor Burns has no doubt forgotten that today is your birthday," Dumbledore said.

"Oh," Burns replied. "I didn't think that Professor Snape expected a gift from me. Did you, Professor?" she said mockingly.

"What could I expect from you, Professor Burns," Severus hissed, "except a stubborn attitude?"

"Nothing, you're right," Burns replied. She laughed.

Severus frowned.

"It is customary to offer greetings to a colleague when it is his birthday," Dumbledore said.

"Greetings?" Burns replied. "I don't want to 'offer' him anything. I gave him four years of my life. And I don't count the awful fifteen years that followed. I guess that's enough of a birthday present. Keep your morals for yourself, Headmaster," she spat.

Severus was about to reply something, but Dumbledore spoke first.

"I know you suffered a great deal, Professor Burns," the Headmaster replied. "But I can assure you that you are wrong. Why do you think that Severus helped Remus?"

"Probably because Voldie asked him to do it," Burns retorted.

"Voldemort does not trust Severus anymore," Dumbledore replied. "I believe that Voldemort has been suspicious of him for a while. That is why he did not tell Severus that Remus had been kidnapped."

"Or maybe Professor Snape knew Lupin would be kidnapped," she responded, "but didn't want to tell you!"

"Silly woman," Severus hissed.

"Voldemort had summoned Severus a few times," Dumbledore replied quietly. "But Severus stayed here. Because he was watching over you, after you had been wounded by Remus."

"Watching me, you mean," Burns retorted.

"He waited too long before responding to Voldemort's call," Dumbledore continued. "Returning to him then would have been too dangerous. Severus would have been killed. Now he is considered a traitor."

"Maybe he has set a trap for you," Burns replied.

Dumbledore sighed. "Listen to your heart and you will know the truth," he said.

"My heart has stopped speaking," Burns replied disdainfully. "Forever."

Severus projected a calm exterior, but inside he was devastated. Forever... she would never love him again. Never.

"If this is true," Dumbledore said, "why did you save Remus' life? Why did you spare him? You swore to Lily you would always take care of her son, as if you were his godmother. You never promised Remus anything."

Lupin? That was right. Burns had said she didn't want Lupin to grieve when she... Severus couldn't even think of that word. Of course, Burns cared for Lupin!

"My motivations are none of your concern," Burns replied sharply. She turned away.

"Remus wants to see you," Dumbledore continued. "He wants to speak to you."

"And I wanted to have a husband and children," Burns snapped. "No one gets what he wants. It is life." She entered her office and slammed the door behind her.

Severus stared at the closed door of her office. Dumbledore seemed to follow his stare.

"Severus," the Headmaster said, "Do not lose your hope."

***

In the evening, Severus Snape walked in the dark corridors of Hogwarts. He liked to be alone to think in the darkness of the night. He often had the impression that he lived among shadows. For fifteen years...

When he had started to date Katarina, it had been really hard for him to understand what had happened to him. He was a Slytherin and she was a Gryffindor; ancient and eternal enemies. Everything opposed their relationship, yet love proved stronger than all the obstacles. Severus couldn't prevent himself from thinking of Katarina. Each time he decided to end their 'stupid, ridiculous relationship,' he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was too difficult. Each time he saw her, he just wanted to kiss her. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. Although he had always been insensitive to human values, she was able to move him deeply. He felt something he had never experienced before. Something which made him happy.

Severus remembered the first time Katarina had offered him a present. It was not even for his birthday. Not even for a special occasion. Just because she wanted to. Only one month after their first kiss...

***

Hogwarts, beginning of October, Severus' seventh year.

All the students, third year and higher, had gone to Hogsmeade. All, except Severus and Katarina. Severus had said that he wanted to study in peace. And Katarina had pretended that she had a bad migraine.

Severus was waiting for Katarina in the Park, near the lake. He looked at his watch. Ten past two. She was late.

Katarina finally arrived, but Severus was already angry.

"You are late!" he hissed. "I'm leaving!"

"What a shame!" Katarina said with a smile. "I won't be able to give you the present I chose for you! Goodbye!"

She turned on her heels.

"What?" Severus replied, surprised. A present?

He ran after her and seized her arm.

"I left before two o'clock," Katarina said. "But on the way, I realised that I had forgotten to bring something I wanted to give you."

"You... you have a present for me?" Severus asked, puzzled. "But... why?"

"Because the sun is shining, because the sky is blue, and because I want to," Katarina replied kindly. "Is there any problem?"

"N... no, but I didn't expect you to... it's a... I'm just surprised..." Severus replied awkwardly. She had a present for him... How could that be possible?

"Well, that's the aim of a surprise I guess!" she smiled.

She gave him a package. He took it as if he was holding something dangerous. Severus was scared, not only because of the present, but of what it meant. He had never been offered presents by anyone in Hogwarts. Especially not by a girl. He had always been alone, rejected by everyone, and now... He didn't understand how he felt.

"It won't bite!" she said.

"I... I know," Severus replied, awkwardly. He opened the package and discovered a small, old book.

"The Sonnets of Shakespeare?" he said, dumbfounded. "This is my favourite... how did you know?" Shakespeare was a very famous Pureblood wizard. Probably the only poet known both in the Wizarding world and in the Muggle world.

"You told me once," she said with a big smile.

Did she really remember? He had mentioned that at the end of sixth year. He had said that she was so stupid that she probably thought The Sonnets of Shakespeare was a cookbook. She had replied that she was not surprised that book was his favourite, since it was almost as boring as him. Severus had felt very upset. He had retorted that the book was indeed his favourite, and that he was not surprised she found it boring. That only clever people could understand the beauty of Shakespeare's writing.

"It's an original edition," she continued. "I thought you'd be happy to have it."

Happy? She didn't know how much it pleased him.

"Burns...er... Katarina, that's... that's a wonderful present ..." he stuttered.

"Still mad at me?" she replied. She kissed him on the cheek.

"Not really," he retorted. He kissed her lips gently. How could he stay mad at her?

"Fine!" she murmured, prolonging the kiss.

They sat under a tree the whole afternoon in a secluded place, where they wouldn't be bothered by students' stares. Severus and Katarina had to be prudent. If someone saw them together, the whole school would know, including the Slytherins and Katarina's friends. It would become very, very complicated. And for the moment, their lives were complicated enough. Fortunately, a chess tournament had been planned for the first and second years. So seeing students around was highly improbable.

They spent a very good time there, hand in hand. Severus would never have taken the initiative to hold her hand, but she did it for him. The sky was blue, without a cloud. Severus read to her from the Sonnets of Shakespeare, and she listened to him, her head on his shoulder. He knew Katarina wasn't a fervent admirer of his favourite author. But she asked him to continue reading. No one had ever been so interested in him. He felt so strange.

"You have a very agreeable voice," Katarina said. "When you read, the sentences make sense."

"Really?" Severus asked.

"Yes," Katarina replied. "Now, I think I could fall in love with Shakespeare."

"Shakespeare?" he repeated. He raised an eyebrow. What did she mean? Was it double language?

"Shakespeare," she replied, deep in thought. "But thanks to you, I think I'm already in love with him."

No, it wasn't double language. It couldn't be. He was just a fool!

Katarina shivered.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

"Yes," she responded.

Severus gulped. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't know if he could. He was not used to these kinds of situations. Taking her in his arms was highly risky. Maybe she wouldn't be at ease! He felt awkward. Now he had to do something. Of course, she was expecting him to warm her up. Oh God, why had he asked her that?

"Er..." he said finally.

"Yes?" she asked encouragingly.

"I'm not very talented at... human relations," he continued. Maybe she would let him alone with that. That was the best thing to do.

"I think that you are more talented than you think," Katarina responded.

No, he was really bad at those things. Really, really bad. Why did she insist?

"Maybe we should go back to the castle," Severus replied. "If you're cold...?"

What was he doing? What the hell was he doing? He was asking her to return inside! He was asking her to shorten their date! No! He didn't want to! Bloody...

"Severus," Katarina retorted. She smiled. "Do you really want our date to finish, or are you afraid of taking me in your arms?"

Severus frowned. Then he sighed. "The second option," he responded.

Fine, everything was clear now. Severus didn't know if he wanted her to insist or not. Of course, he was ill at ease, but maybe it would be interesting to... try and see.

"All right," Katarina said, before he could try anything.

She moved closer to him, put her arms around him, and leaned her head on his chest. That closeness was very... strange. He swallowed.

"What are you waiting for?" She laughed. "If you don't do the same, it won't work!"

"Are you laughing at me?" Severus asked, a little upset. He didn't want her to make fun of him. Not her!

"No," she replied. "I'm laughing with you." She smiled again. He liked her smile.

Severus embraced her. "Is that all right?" he asked with apprehension.

"That's perfect," Katarina replied. "I'm not cold anymore!"

Severus smiled slightly. After all, that was rather pleasant. They were very close together. That was something he had never felt before. For the moment, that was the happiest day of his entire life.

***

As Severus relived the memory, he felt that lost emotion in his chest: happiness. But as soon as he realised he was daydreaming, that feeling stopped. He was alone. Empty. That light he had seen, coming from the depths of his past, had just been an illusion. And he felt like Ulysses in front of the sirens' songs. He wanted to give in to those enchanted memories, a delight which would bring him great suffering. His will couldn't fight against his desire. No one was there to prevent him from falling.

He felt his arm ache. Voldemort's call. Again. But he didn't care. He just wanted to remember...

***

Hogwarts, Christmas Eve, Severus' seventh year.

Severus was seated at a table, where a few teachers and students were gathered. Among them was Katarina. How frustrating it was to eat at the same table without looking at her! With people around, Severus had to hide their relationship. He hadn't been alone with her for a few days. It was difficult to continue their extra Potions lessons. The other students would find it strange. Damn holidays!

At the end of dinner, Severus was leaving, when...

"Severus," Katarina called. He turned back and replaced his expression of surprise by an expression of indifference. People might be watching.

"What do you want, Burns?" he replied sharply.

"I checked my Potions' book," Katarina replied, "and I realised I took yours by mistake. I'm surprised you didn't notice, since you probably read it at night to fall asleep." She held the book to him.

Severus grasped the book and turned to leave without responding. He smiled inwardly. It was not his book, but hers. When he was away, he opened the book. There was a piece of paper between the cover and the first page. He read the note silently:

"The Owlery, now."

His upper lip curled.

For seven years, Severus always spent Christmas at Hogwarts, because he hated returning to Snape Manor. But Christmas at Hogwarts was not what he would have called 'fantastic.' It was just about eating with people who didn't interest him, before going to sleep. Boring. At least, until now. When he entered the Owlery and was welcomed by a kiss under a branch of mistletoe, he knew it was the best Christmas Eve he had ever had.

"We can't stay long here," Katarina whispered. "But I read somewhere that it would bring bad luck not to respect Christmas traditions."

"Where did you read that?" Severus asked. He raised an eyebrow.

"Hmmm," Katarina replied, "somewhere. In... a book... maybe." She pouted.

"The title of the book?" Severus asked teasingly.

"Who cares?" Katarina replied, catching his lips with hers.

"I... have a present for you," Severus said a few minutes later, "but I left it in the Slytherin--"

"Mine too," Katarina interrupted. "In the Gryffindors' girls dormitory. I couldn't return there to get the present without attracting everyone's attention."

"So we'll exchange them in our next Potions lesson," Severus said, relieved. He was afraid Katarina hadn't bought a present for him. He didn't want to look ridiculous by giving her such an obvious token of affection.

"It's the first time I want the Christmas holidays to end," Katarina said. She looked at her watch and sighed. "We must return to our common rooms or we'll get in trouble."

They kissed a last time.

"Good night Severus," Katarina said.

"Good night Katarina," Severus replied.

"You know," Katarina said, moving closer, "you can call me Kat. My friends always call me that, so I think my boyfriend should do the same." She planted a quick kiss on his lips and ran away. Severus followed her with his eyes, until the moment she disappeared in the darkness of the corridors.

Severus returned to his empty dormitories and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had never felt so happy in his whole life. He always wanted to be with her. 'Boyfriend...' He liked the way that sounded. He liked her... he loved her...

Something hit him. He was in love with her. Since the day she had prevented Potter and Black from ruining his whole life. He had always found ways to deny the truth before. Kat had been in his mind and his heart for so long. He thought of those nights he couldn't sleep because of her. When he imagined all the nasty things he would have told her. Everything to hurt her. So much energy, so much passion to make her react. Those feelings of dissatisfaction that had brought him to kiss her... What he really wanted for so long. He had convinced himself that he hated her, that she disgusted him. But that was not hate or disgust. That was love.

Of course, she shouldn't know he was in love with her. He was not self-confident enough to tell her anything. It was always difficult for him to hold her in his arms, to be tender and leave his usual coldness behind him. Not that it was not agreeable... not at all... But it scared him. He feared that Katarina would be disgusted by him. Their kisses... her present in the Park... Severus didn't know what to think of everything. He didn't want to hope too much... How could she fall in love with him? He was the ugliest boy in the entire world, and Katarina... Kat... she deserved someone better than him. Someone like Black, Severus thought despite himself. Black was a bastard, but he was handsome, popular. And Kat was wonderful. Maybe she and Severus were just together for fun, for many delicious kisses, before she would decide to dump him.

***

The Potions master was brutally taken aback from his memory. His arm burnt like hell. He felt nauseated, and his head ached. He collapsed on the floor, squeezing his arm. He felt it was on fire. No need to see anything to know the Dark Mark was black. But the pain was stronger than usual. As if... Severus was going to be burnt from inside.

Severus was doubled with pain. If it continued, his arm would catch on fire, and he would be consumed by the Dark Mark. This combustion would turn him into ashes. The pain was too intense. Severus yelled.

Soon something lit his face. The light was too bright. Severus couldn't see the figure behind the light, but he recognised the shoes and the bottom of a dark-green coat. Dark green? Burns? Severus raised his eyes with effort and saw her face. There was no expression in her eyes, except coldness. Severus squeezed his arm harder, and howled again.

Burns didn't say anything. She just stared at him. Then she knelt beside him. She abruptly gripped his left arm, forcing him to let go. Her gesture almost brought him tears. The pain increased. She pulled up his sleeve, exposing his wounded flesh to the air.

"The Mark is black," Burns said coldly. "Perfect."

She uttered an incantation, and a few candles lit around them. She laid her wand beside her.

"Don't move," she ordered, releasing his arm.

She removed her gloves. She looked him right in the eye.

"I should let you die like that," she said icily. "Alone in a dark corridor. Consumed by the Dark Mark like I was consumed by my sorrow. But I will pay my debts first. For the day you relieved me from the pain during the Quidditch match, and for the potions you gave Lupin. I don't believe you had good intentions. I don't trust you. But I don't want to owe you anything." She paused and looked back at the Mark.

Severus was hurt by her words and the disdainful way she uttered them. She enjoyed his vulnerability. She had control over him.

"Now," she continued, "let's see how powerful you are, Voldie."

Severus didn't have time to understand what she had said. Burns gripped his arm again. He gasped at the contact. Burns' hands were very cold. On his burning arm, it was soothing. Severus stared at Burns' face. Her eyes were closed and her mouth muttered incantations. Blue energy went out of her hand and seemed to be sucked into the burning Dark Mark.

Then he heard a conversation in his half-conscious mind:

"How dare you provoke the Dark Lord, bitch? I didn't allow you to use that link. I am the only one who can control my servants!"

Burns laughed hard.

"Are you?" she retorted. "Heir of Slytherin. Do you forget where my powers come from?"

The Dark Lord replied with a satanic laugh. "Even with those powers, you are not strong enough to oppose my will."

"Who says I want to oppose your will?" Burns asked. "You want to punish Snivellus. And I want him to suffer. But he is my prey. Two cats can't share a mouse. Dark Lord or not, I will not let you take my vengeance from me."

Severus felt a fight of wills from inside. The Dark Mark was on fire, but Burns' hands were still very cold and soothed Severus' pain. The Potions master was terrified. Not only for himself, but for Burns. Defying the Dark Lord was something extremely dangerous. She was risking her life.

"Courageous and upright," the Dark Lord said. "That is the reason why your ancestors were chosen. To protect innocent children from evil." He laughed. "But Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff didn't know that Salazar Slytherin had changed the rules. A worm in the apple. What your powers are based on turned out to be your weakness."

What did the Dark Lord mean? On what were her powers based?

"My powers are based on vengeance," Burns replied sharply. "Vengeance is my strength, not my weakness."

"Little girl," the Dark Lord hissed, laughing more, "I am glad I didn't take your powers. They disgust me."

"Don't worry, it's reciprocal," Burns replied.

Burns' hands turned progressively warmer, whereas the Dark Mark seemed to burn less. The light of Burns' blue energy intensified, sparkling all over the Mark. Severus had the awful sensation that needles were stuck into his arm. His jaw clenched.

Burns concentrated on the Mark. Her features hardened. She appeared to suffer. Her hands turned colder now, and the Dark Mark was on fire again. Severus' arm ached more. He tried to focus on his reasoning. Were Burns' hands colder because she was losing her energy? Did her power depend on the warmth of the Dark Mark? But then when Burns used her power to take advantage over the Dark Lord, the Dark Mark would become colder and Burns would lose her power. It seemed that the fight would last forever.

The Dark Mark was making Severus suffer. He wanted the pain to end. But at what price? He would not allow Burns to be hurt in his place. He resolved that she would not suffer another crisis because of him. But what would happen if he took his arm away? If he broke the link between Burns and the Dark Lord? It was too dangerous.

"You are not strong enough." The Dark Lord sniggered.

Burns breathed hard. Sweat beaded on her forehead.

"Why do you fight me?" the Dark Lord continued. "Join me and I will spare you. Kill the boy for me and I will pardon your conceit."

"Never," Burns said disdainfully. "The boy is under my protection. And under Dumbledore's. I will never join you. I have my pride." She spat.

"Pride?" The Dark Lord replied. "Do you still have pride? Who do you think you are? You are nothing. You are just a little fly in Lord Voldemort's way. A gnat."

"A gnat?" Burns asked. She scoffed. "Tell me, why do you want me to join you if I am nothing?"

"You are not an obstacle for me," the Dark Lord replied. "You are not powerful enough to recreate the Barrier. You lost that ability when you turned to the Dark Arts. You are too ill to do anything. Salazar Slytherin knew it would happen when he made the pact. He didn't want those filthy Mudbloods to be protected from the Basilisk by a stupid Barrier Keeper."

"Indeed," Burns retorted. "But had he planned that his Basilisk would be killed by a twelve-year-old boy? The same baby boy who would defeat his Mudblood heir?"

Severus gasped. He felt the Dark Lord's rage. Burns hands contracted. Her nails buried in Severus' flesh.

"A... accio talisman," Burns said with effort. A glistening object went out of her pocket. It had a triangular shape. An orange stone adorned its centre. Amber probably. Severus couldn't see more. The stone was too bright.

"Revela," Burns ordered. The edges of the talisman extended. Its whole shape changed, except the stone, which remained intact. The talisman turned into a dagger.

"Now," Burns said, removing her right hand from Severus' arm and gripping the dagger, "The game is over. My own powers may not be powerful enough to stop you. But I know someone who will do this better than I do."

Burns raised the dagger.

"Let's see the power of this little Dark Magic artefact!" she exclaimed.

She violently plunged the dagger into her left hand, still firmly gripping Severus' arm. The blade pierced her hand and entered Severus' arm on the Dark Mark. Burns and Severus screamed. The pain in Severus' arm was awful. He wanted it to stop, but he couldn't remove his arm. He was linked to the dagger by a spell.

Through his own delirium, he managed to have a glimpse of Burns' face. Her jaw clenched. Her eyes were shut. Her body trembled. Her right hand squeezed the handle of the dagger.

The orange stone emitted a great light, brilliant enough to light the whole corridor. Severus stopped hearing the voice of Voldemort in his head. He felt that the burning of the Dark Mark lost its intensity. It became colder. The light of the stone dimmed. Suddenly, Burns pulled the blade out of their bleeding, wounded limbs.

Severus howled. Burns shrieked. But as soon as the dagger was out, their injuries healed. The pain disappeared completely. Severus stared at the Dark Mark, dumbfounded. The Mark was still on his arm, but Severus didn't feel it anymore.

Burns stood up. She was staring at the dagger. The blade was red from the blood. Severus noticed the stone had turned black. Burns threw it on the floor, as if the object was useless now. She turned away from the dagger and didn't look back.

"We're even now," she said, leaving. "Thank your mate Salazar Slytherin for his contribution."

Severus didn't move. He hardly breathed. He was seated on the floor and followed Burns with his eyes until she disappeared from view. He was still shocked. Had Burns just saved his life? Had she just defied the Dark Lord? And that talisman... did it really belong to... Salazar Slytherin?

***

The following day, Hermione was busy working in the library, when she heard Parvati and Padma Patil speak at the next table.

"Do you think Trelawney was right?" Paravati asked.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. Oh no! What had Trelawney invented this time?

"Of course she was right!" Padma exclaimed. "Trelawney's predictions are never wrong! That's what she says!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. If Trelawney said that McGonagall was a rabbit wearing a tutu, would they still believe her?

"So you think Sirius Black was not Professor Burns' great love?" Parvati queried.

Hermione frowned. Was it possible that Trelawney had learnt something about Burns and Snape? Of course, her information couldn't come from her stupid predictions. She had probably heard gossip in the corridors.

"You heard Trelawney," Padma replied. "According to Burns' astral theme, her great love can only be a blond man with blue eyes. I tell you that she had a great love affair with Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Gilderoy Lockhart... again... Hermione sighed. She stopped listening to the conversation. How could anyone be so stupid to believe such rumours? Burns would have never fitted with Lockhart.

Since the whole school had read that edition of the Daily Prophet, everyone was talking about her marriage with Sirius. Burns probably knew about those rumours, but she didn't show it. Hermione thought it was because of Snape. Although his name had been mentioned in the Daily Prophet, no one knew they had been engaged. And Burns had been so awful with him since the beginning of the year, that no one really thought they had dated.

But Hermione had heard a few other noises that didn't please her. Some had said Burns had had an affair with Harry's father when they were young. That she had become pregnant and abandoned Harry, who had been adopted by Lily Evans. Others said that she had dated Lupin and caused him to be bitten by a werewolf. Hermione even heard Draco Malfoy say she was really Dumbledore's daughter. The list of rumours increased from day to day.

Hermione was very irritated. She took those rumours almost personally. She imagined herself, receiving an edition of the Daily Prophet full of lies.

"Hermione Granger, serious girl or girlfriend of the famous Quidditch player, Viktor Krum? [...] Our special correspondent, Lola Portman, claims she surprised Miss Granger and Ronald Weasley kissing in the park this last December twenty-fourth. "Was it better than with Vicky?" Lola Portman heard Ronald Weasley ask the unfaithful girl. No doubt that the girl has great success with boys. On the list of her lovers, the famous Harry Potter, whose heart was broken when he learnt of her affairs with Krum and Weasley; Neville Longbottom, whom everyone says Miss Granger was helping in his Potions class; Hagrid, a half-giant who bought perfume after they had talked together..."

Hermione rolled her eyes. Burns was probably exasperated! The girl wondered how difficult it was for Burns to work with her ex-fiancé. Hermione didn't consider Ron an ex-something, but she was very furious with him. At first, she had felt guilty for having been so cold, but seeing him contributing to those rumours had been too much. What an idiot! She wasn't speaking to him anymore. Hermione imagined what Burns felt. She must have felt all broken up inside.

Harry entered the library and sat beside Hermione. She was glad Ron wasn't with him.

"I thought I'd find you here," Harry said. "Dumbledore wants to see me in the Shrieking Shack in fifteen minutes to speak with Lupin. I'm anxious."

"Oh Harry," Hermione exclaimed. "That's good news!"

"I know," Harry replied, "but my stomach aches. It's been so long since I've seen Lupin as... you know... himself. And..."

A shadow passed over Harry's face. "Remember he attacked me. He could have killed me. I know it wasn't really him, but..."

"Are you afraid of him?" Hermione asked.

"No," Harry replied. "I think he... he could be afraid of me. Afraid of attacking me again in the future. I'm afraid he'll leave. For my... safety."

Hermione stared at Harry with an expression of compassion. Harry feared he would be alone again. Abandoned.

"Harry--" Hermione said tentatively.

"I have to go," Harry replied, a tremor in his voice. He stood up and left.

***

Harry ran to the Shrieking Shack. He had felt tears coming to his eyes when he had talked to Hermione. This was not the right time for crying. He passed the Whomping Willow and tried to calm his breathing. He was not ready to speak to Lupin now. But he didn't have a choice.

Dumbledore was already in the Shrieking Shack. "Ah, Harry," he said, "Remus is upstairs. For his safety and your own, he is still in his cage. The effects of the potions will not last long and we do not want an accident to happen." Dumbledore smiled. "You can go and see him."

Harry didn't return the smile. He was too anxious for that. He moved upstairs. His stomach ached. He opened the door. Lupin was seated on a chair in his cage. He was dressed in old, unfashionable clothes. He looked tired, but he stood up.

"Harry," Lupin said.

"Professor Lupin," Harry replied. He felt very awkward.

There was a heavy silence.

"Er..." Lupin said, looking at his clothes. "They dressed me with these... clothes. But it's no different from what I usually wear. And with my transformations, it is... better..."

"Does it... hurt?" Harry asked. Does it hurt? Of course it hurt. Why had he asked something so stupid?

Lupin smiled softly. "The first days, it hurt more," Lupin responded. "But Severus brewed a new sort of Wolfsbane Potion for me. When I transform, I can control myself. I don't bite myself anymore."

Harry sighed. "I am sorry," he whispered.

"I know you are," Lupin replied. "But it's ok."

"I mean..." Harry retorted, "I... I apologise."

"Apologise?" Lupin repeated. "Why?"

"It's... it's my fault if..." Harry couldn't continue.

"Harry!" Lupin exclaimed. "It is not your fault. It is..." He gripped the bars of the cage. "Harry, I almost k--"

"No," Harry interrupted, alarmed. "It was not you! It was... them! They did that to you! Because of me! It's my fault. Just like it was for Sirius!"

Lupin stared at him, an expression of shock on his face.

"If I wasn't born," Harry shouted, "my parents would still be alive! And Sirius! And you wouldn't have been--"

"A werewolf?" Lupin asked. Harry stopped speaking at the obviousness of Lupin's remark. "The war was there before you were born," Lupin continued. "And it stopped for a few years, thanks to you. How many people would have died if you hadn't been there? You were just a baby and yet, you saved a lot of people. James and Lily would have probably not survived in those times of war. Nor Sirius. Nor myself."

"Sirius could have lived," Harry exclaimed. "He went to the Ministry of Magic, and he..." Harry emitted a strangled sob. "... because of me. He had escaped from Azkaban! He had... found Pettigrew again! You both wanted to kill that traitor! And I stopped you. And now Sirius is dead, and Pettigrew is alive!"

"Pettigrew chose his fate," Lupin replied. "He will live and die without any kind of honour. Sirius... he made a few mistakes in his life. But he never betrayed his friends. He made his own choices. Going to the Ministry of Magic was one of them. His death... is a tragedy." Harry saw sadness in Lupin's eyes. "But Sirius knew it could happen," Lupin continued. "It was his choice. Bellatrix Lestrange..." Harry perceived repressed anger in Lupin's tone, "is the only one responsible."

They didn't speak for a few seconds.

"I miss him..." Harry whispered.

"I know," Lupin replied. "I miss him too."

"I dream about him," Harry confessed.

"You dream ab..." Lupin said. He looked alarmed. "Why didn't you tell me? You know Voldemort can--"

"It's not Voldemort," Harry interrupted. "My scar didn't hurt." He paused. "I relive Sirius' death. I see the expression on his face when the spell hits. I see him disappear through the veil. I try to run to him, but my legs don't move fast enough. I feel as if I am running through water. Sirius calls my name, but I can't help him."

Lupin sighed. "You should have told me," he said.

"I just... couldn't," Harry replied. "It was not easy to..." He stopped.

How could he tell Lupin before? It would only have made him sad. And Lupin was so reserved! Sirius would have known what to say in such circumstances. He would have known how to react. But he was dead. And his absence was really hard to bear. Harry kept his sorrow to himself, as he'd always done. Sharing it with Lupin was too difficult.

"Harry," Lupin replied. He looked embarrassed. "You must not keep that to yourself. I am not the only one you can... talk with. Did you confide in your friends at least?"

"No," Harry responded. "I mean... a little in Hermione, but not much."

"You should talk to them," Lupin replied. He seemed to understand Harry's awkwardness.

"I'll think about it," Harry retorted, "but I'm not... ready yet for that."

Lupin nodded. They both kept silent for a few seconds.

"I'm sorry they did that to you," Harry said.

"I was in a... strange state," Lupin replied awkwardly. "Professor Dumbledore said I didn't hurt you, but..."

Lupin stared at Harry expectantly. He wanted a response.

"You didn't hurt me," Harry replied. "Burns arrived in time."

"Thank God she did," Lupin said. "I only wish I hadn't wounded her."

"She spared your life," Harry said. "Snape wanted to use the Killing Curse on you, but she didn't let him."

Harry studied Lupin's features. He looked thoughtful.

"Well," Lupin replied, "Severus' reaction was probably the wisest. Not that I wanted to get killed. But with a group of students around, I guess I would have reacted the same way in front of an enraged werewolf."

"I don't think he did it for us," Harry retorted sarcastically.

"Harry," Lupin replied. "I don't think he did it for himself. Although Severus doesn't like me, I'm quite certain his motivations were not those you think of."

"But he tried to--" Harry exclaimed.

"Professor Burns was wounded," Lupin interrupted. "Werewolves are attracted by blood. Believe me, in the state I was in, only the Killing Curse would have stopped me if I had jumped on her. And between Professor Burns and me, no doubt Severus would have chosen to save his wounded colleague instead of a dangerous werewolf."

Harry repressed a smirk. His 'wounded colleague?' Such a nice expression to mean 'his ex-fiancée he was still in love with!'

"Believe me," Lupin continued, "I wouldn't have hesitated if I were him. And see... I'm back to my own appearance because of his potions."

Did Lupin really think he would make Harry believe this rubbish? As if Snape had made those potions for Lupin! Harry remembered Burns' reaction after Lupin had been trapped in the cage. No doubt Snape had helped Lupin to make her forgive him.

"It will take time before I turn back into a werewolf only on the full moon," Lupin continued, "but it's already a start."

There was a pause.

"Will you...then...?" Harry whispered.

"What?" Lupin asked.

"You know," Harry murmured, his eyes fixing the floor. "Go away... from me..."

"Do you want me to go away?" Lupin queried. He looked surprised.

"Of course not," Harry replied. "But people around me always go away. My parents... Sirius... Burns... You probably think it's better for me if you are not around. Because you... are a werewolf..."

Lupin sighed. "I thought of it, you know," he responded. "To protect you from me. But... recent events made me understand that I was wrong." He paused. "Sirius is not here anymore. I know I can't replace him, but you can count on me."

Harry felt relieved. "I'm glad you made that decision," Harry replied. "And I'm... happy you turned back to yourself."

"I know," Lupin replied. Harry understood from Lupin's expression. He didn't need to add more. Lupin knew Harry had worried about him. "Harry," Lupin asked suddenly, "why did you mention Professor Burns?" He frowned.

"Because she refused to be my godmother because of Snape," Harry replied.

"You know?" Lupin queried.

"That she was engaged with Snape?" Harry said disdainfully. "Yes, I know."

"She wanted to be your godmother," Lupin said. "She adored you."

"Is it true?" Harry asked. He hardly believed it. Yet, a slight hope invaded his chest.

"Oh yes," Lupin replied. "You must understand that Katarina didn't refuse because she didn't love you. But it was easier that way. For everyone."

"What happened to her?" Harry asked.

Lupin looked ill at ease.

"I don't know the whole story," Lupin replied. "And I don't want to speak about that. It's private."

Harry felt irate. "Everything seems to be private with Burns!" he exclaimed. "No one even told me she had married Sirius!"

Lupin blanched. "She married Sirius?" he gasped. "Does... Severus know about it?"

"Yes, Snape knows," Harry responded coldly. "He didn't appreciate the news. It served him right!"

"Don't say that," Lupin replied. "Severus Snape can be... er... difficult, but you must understand that he was very unhappy. He lost more that you can imagine. I even... envied him when we were younger. I mean... envied... them." Lupin cleared his throat. He appeared to be ill at ease.

"I can't believe it," Harry replied.

"Of course," Lupin continued, "I never saw Katarina that way."

Harry couldn't believe Lupin defended Snape. Snape! And what did Lupin mean when he said he 'envied them.' Didn't he also envy Harry's parents? Harry frowned. Didn't his mum and dad love each other so much that everyone envied them?

Harry didn't have time to ask. Dumbledore entered the room. Damn! What sort of relationship did his parents have? Harry would have wanted to know.

"I'm sorry Harry," Dumbledore said, "but the effects of the potion will end in a few minutes. You have to leave now."

"All right," Harry responded with bitterness. He turned back to Lupin.

"Come back another time," Lupin said.

"I will," Harry replied. "Take care."

***

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