Swept From the Past

Chapter 21: How everything started

Harry was shocked about what he had learnt. He stood in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom in front of Burns and Snape. He couldn't believe Burns had tried to commit suicide because of Snape. Harry would have understood if it had been for Sirius. But for Snape?

"When you left me," Snape said, "I felt as if I had died." Harry couldn't miss the quaver in his voice. It was strange to hear a mark of emotion, even a slight one, from Snape's mouth.

Burns snorted. The expectant stare Snape had thrown to her disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"So?" asked Harry. He stared at Professor Burns. "Were you really engaged?!"

"Yes," Burns responded finally. "We were engaged... We were..." She closed her eyes with a pained expression and gulped. "I was... in love..."

Snape disagreed. It was written all over his face.

"You were...?" he repeated. "It was we! Although you don't believe it, it was we!" he hissed.

"Hmmm," replied Burns, "the official version."

"What?" retorted Snape. "It's not the official version! It's the true version!"

"Yeah, right..." Burns responded.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Harry asked. "Why didn't you tell me anything... that you knew my parents and Sirius... that you married him? And why didn't Sirius tell me?

Burns sighed. "Harry..." she whispered. She put a hand on her forehead as if he had asked too much. "You've known Sirius for a short time... He was a wonderful person, a wonderful godfather. Sirius would have done anything for you. He wanted to take care of you... It wasn't my place... You and Sirius should have had more time together. He deserved to know you and you deserved to know him before he... died. He often asked me to tell you the truth, but I always refused. He asked me to marry him and I accepted, for the reasons I told you."

"But why didn't you tell me after... after his death?" asked Harry.

"You don't need me, Harry," Burns confessed finally. "Protection is all that I can give you. So that's what I did, or tried to do."

"But..." said Harry, "you're my godmother and you were my mother's best friend! Why...?"

"I am not your godmother, Harry," Burns replied. "I'm the widow of your godfather. That's different. I am required to take care of financial matters for you, a trustee of sorts. But I can't take care of you like Sirius did."

"But why?" Harry queried.

"You came to regard Sirius as a surrogate father," Burns responded. "But I can't replace your mother. You're an orphan. You would get attached to me, inevitably. You don't need that. I'm dying."

"Dying?" Harry repeated. He knew Burns was gravely ill, but he hadn't understood it meant she would really die. Suddenly, the words she had uttered made sense.

"I have less than six months to live," Burns said.

Harry cast Snape a quick glance. The Potions master's face paled. He seemed terribly worried.

"Let me help you," Snape whispered. "It is not too late. There is a way for you to be cured!"

"No," Burns snapped. "I want to be freed."

Harry was shocked. "How can you say that?" he exclaimed. "Sirius was imprisoned in Azkaban for twelve years. And yet, he fought to survive!"

"Sirius was Sirius," Burns retorted. "I should have died in his place." She paused. "Your reaction proves I was right not to tell you anything. You don't need to get attached to me. I can't replace Lily. God, I would have made a terrible mother!"

"No, you wouldn't!" Snape exclaimed.

Burns didn't reply. She didn't even look at him. She seemed to be disgusted.

"You could have tried!" Harry said.

"I can't try something like that!" Burns responded. "Not now, not anymore! There's no trace of love in me anymore! I was broken from inside. Don't you understand, Harry? I'm like Lord Voldemort! Now, I'm unable to love! I don't even remember what it is. I just remember the pain caused by this stupid feeling!" She spat.

"But--" Harry said.

"Fifteen years ago," she interrupted, "I understood I was all alone! It was not only a feeling of loneliness, it was something deeper than that. Remember what I said in class? Heart is like crystal. Fifteen years ago, my crystal heart fell onto the floor and broke into a thousand frozen bits. At that time, my fate was sealed."

"Why didn't you give Sirius a chance?" Harry said angrily. Burns had rejected Sirius for Snape? Harry felt upset, as if he was in Sirius' place. "He could have helped you!" he yelled.

"I'm lost to everyone," Burns responded. "I don't want anyone. Once was enough. Love, marriage, motherhood... I had given up on those fifteen years ago."

"Sirius could have--" Harry said stubbornly.

"You haven't dated for fifteen years?" Snape interrupted. He gasped.

"No, I haven't, bastard!" she spat. "Do you really think I would let someone approach me after what you did to me? I don't need anyone in my life. Never again! Now, I'm Captain Burns. I fight against Voldemort; I give orders and I'm obeyed! That's all! I don't need anything else! I'm just a survivor who waits to play her role before the end. Satisfied? Congratulations, Snivellus, you've hit on the point. You've transformed my life into a living hell like you were supposed to do! I hope your boss was proud of you!"

"I didn't want to turn your life into a hell!" Snape exclaimed. "I didn't want you to become what you are now! I just wanted you to be my wife--"

"I don't want to hear those stupidities, Snivellus!" she interrupted. "Keep your wonderful words for silly girls, who believe all that they are told! Now, get out of my office! The both of you!"

"I won't leave before--" Harry said.

"We must talk about--" Snape said at the same time.

"OUT!" Burns yelled. "And you'd better OBEY!"

The room started to shake. Burns took a drink from her bottle. Harry was still very angry, but he didn't want to cause a crisis. Neither did Snape, obviously. He went to the door and opened it.

"Potter," Snape hissed. "Out!"

For once, Harry obeyed. Snape followed him in the corridors and shut the door behind him.

"You'd better not talk about that to anyone, Potter," he breathed. "Always putting your nose in what is none of your concern. Looking into one Pensieve was not enough? If I learn that you mentioned this conversation to anyone, be assured that your Auror career will be over. Now, out of my way!"

Harry was too angry to say anything. His eyes flashed from fury. He turned back, his fists clenched. Without a word, he walked off in the direction of his common room.

***

Severus Snape returned to his quarters in the dungeons. He slammed the door and paced back and forth. He was both furious and despaired. Of course, Katarina didn't want to understand! She didn't believe he had loved her. How could she understand his heart had been broken too? And Black... she had married Black! Fortunately, the bastard hadn't touched her. No one had touched her. Severus sighed. How stupid he had been.

He sat and held his head between his hands. He remembered the first time she had touched his face, after his humiliation in fifth year. The first time he had felt a mark of interest from someone. Her kindness...

***

Hogwarts, June of Severus' fifth year.

Severus Snape sat on a chair in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey told him to wait a few minutes. When she saw his injuries, she stared at him reproachfully. There was a small, deep gash on his right temple, and his lip was bleeding.

Black! Severus' eyes flashed. The arrogant bastard had hit him with his fist. And Severus hadn't been able to react. He had just fallen backwards without a word, hurt. He would have wanted to say something, to reply something nasty, but he couldn't think of a single comeback. From fury, first of all, then from surprise and pain. He should have been prepared for Black's attack! He hadn't been quick enough.

The events of that afternoon moved fast in his mind. He had been disarmed. The famous Potter had disarmed him again, but this time, he had avoided the worst humiliation of his life. And then Black had hit him. The bastard didn't have any honour; he had fought like a Mudblood, without magic! Only a Gryffindor would have fought with so little pride! And all because of Burns!

Severus raised his hand to his right temple. He groaned and grimaced. It was painful.

Burns. Why had the little, idiot girl helped him? Why had she disarmed Potter and Black and freed him from the spell? Especially after what he had said to her Mudblood friend... He had always thought she was strange, but he would have never imagined she was so stupid! And she had called him Severus. She had dared to call him Severus? He had never authorised her to do so! It was her fault that Black had hit him! If she hadn't taken care of his gash, Black wouldn't have...

Severus unconsciously raised an eyebrow. He moaned from pain.

Well... that was not entirely true. Whether she had been there or not, Black would have hit him anyway. Maybe he wouldn't have used his fists, but the humiliation would have been worse.

Severus thought of James Potter. He didn't know which one he hated more, Potter or Black. It often changed from day to day. After all, Potter had wanted to take his pants off! Even if Severus had trouble admitting it, he was grateful to Burns. If Potter had succeeded...

Severus closed his eyes. He didn't want to think of it. He would have never been able to face the other students. Never.

Madam Pomfrey came back. Severus moved and sat on one of the beds.

"Can you tell me what happened?" she said finally.

"Nothing important," Severus replied. He didn't want the nurse to know. That was a private thing. Like every time he fought with Potter and Black. None of her business.

Madam Pomfrey frowned, but she didn't ask anymore. She leant over him and cleaned the wound on his temple.

Severus had just come to the Hospital Wing because Burns had insisted. Forced him to come was the most appropriate expression. She had refused to give him his wand back until he had been to the Hospital Wing. He had told Burns it was all her fault; he had tried to be as mean as possible with her, but it hadn't worked. Stupid girl! She had told him she was sorry, that she hadn't wanted Black to hit him.

"Ouch!" moaned Severus.

"Does it hurt?" the nurse demanded.

Of course it hurt! Severus felt tears coming to his eyes. No! He refused to cry! He clenched his jaw. Unfortunately, his lower lip bled more and it made the pain intensify.

"Yes," Severus replied simply. Why couldn't the nurse be as kind as Burns? Although it was hard to admit, Severus couldn't forget the gentle way she had touched his face. Now he was living in hell. He would have gladly exchanged Madam Pomfrey for Burns. Even if Burns was an insufferable, silly girl.

Severus thought of the way she had spoken to him and looked at him. It was as if she had really cared about him. She had probably felt pity! Suddenly, Severus felt a strong feeling of disdain for the girl. How dare she pity him? Who did she think she was? He hated her, as much as Potter and Black! The only good thing was the fury Severus had seen in Black's eyes. The sweet taste of revenge...

Burns was still the same for Severus. An awful Gryffindor, who had tried to humiliate him by showing him pity! Yes, he hated her!

***

Burns entered her office and closed the door behind her. She sighed deeply, trying to calm the pain in her heart. It hurt like hell.

Burns looked at the three Pensieves, part of her inheritance from her grandfather. The better part of her memories was enclosed in those Pensieves. The ones she didn't need to keep. Those of her former life. Most of them had just given her the illusion of happiness, although they were just lies.

Burns took her wand out and stroked the surface of one Pensieve with the tip of it. What was in this Pensieve? She didn't remember. It had been a long time. She caught a glimpse of herself, younger, running in the corridors, her eyes full of tears. Why had she put this memory in the Pensieve? Was it the day she had learnt that her parents had been killed? When she had been attacked by Malfoy? But she didn't know how it had happened. After all, why couldn't she check? She could take her memory back for several seconds. Then she would put it again in the Pensieve if she didn't want to keep it. After all, she wouldn't remember anything if she put it back. Burns touched the Pensieve with her wand again and raised her wand to her temple.

***

Hogwarts, end of June, Katarina's fifth year.

A few days had passed after the last O.W.L.s exam. The weather was stormy for the end of June. A few menacing clouds gathered in the sky above Hogwarts. Katarina Burns observed them with disinterest through the window. This was her last Transfiguration's class of the year. In ten minutes, she would be able to leave McGonagall's class. And in four days, she would be back home. She missed her parents. In his last letter, her Dad had promised he would give her Quidditch lessons during the summer holidays. And her mother had said they would go and do shopping in Diagon Alley. Katarina was deep in thought.

"Miss Burns," she heard suddenly. She jumped in her seat. Her books fell on the floor. Oh, God, she was so clumsy! She picked up her books quickly and blushed. Then she raised her head.

The Headmaster was staring at her. Katarina felt very awkward. The attention of the whole class was turned to her.

"Miss Burns," Dumbledore repeated gently. "Could you please come with me to my office?"

Katarina turned white. What had she done? She had never been called to the Headmaster's office. She stood up, cast Remus a quick glance, and left.

"What did I do?" she asked shyly, when she walked along the corridors with Dumbledore.

"We will talk in my office," he replied.

Katarina and the Headmaster stopped in front of a gargoyle.

"Chocolate Frogs!" Dumbledore said. The gargoyle moved as if he was alive. If the Headmaster had not been there that would have been scary. Soon the wall behind him opened. Katarina saw a spiral staircase behind. They stepped onto it. It moved upwards.

Then they entered the Headmaster's office. That was a curious room, with strange noisy instruments all around, some of them related to astronomy. Many portraits hung on the walls. Some of them slept; the others observed Katarina with interrogative stares.

Dumbledore went to the other side of his desk and sat on a golden chair. He looked pained. What was going on?

"Katarina," Dumbledore said sadly, "would you please sit down? I have... some bad news to tell you."

Katarina sat anxiously on the chair in front of him.

"This morning, something serious happened," the Headmaster uttered softly. "You have to be strong, Katarina," he continued. "This morning... this morning, the Death Eaters attacked your parents..."

"Are they all right?" Katarina asked, a quiver in her voice. Her heart beat hard.

The Headmaster looked her straight in the eye. "They are dead..." he said slowly. "I am sorry, Katarina..."

The whole world seemed to collapse around her. The truth hit her like a sword in her heart and she felt dizzy.

"NO!!!" she yelled. She didn't think. She just left the Headmaster's office quickly. She descended the stairs and almost fell several times, but she didn't care. At the bottom of the staircase, a wall blocked her way. "Cho... chocolate Frogs!" she stuttered. She wanted to cry, but all her emotions were stuck into her throat.

The wall opened. Katarina ran as fast as she could down the corridors. It was impossible! They weren't dead! They were waiting for her at home, and she was going to spend her summer holidays with them... They weren't dead!!! She crossed the corridors. She jostled several people without even noticing it, her eyes now full of tears. THEY WEREN'T DEAD!!! Then she stopped, breathless and exhausted. She didn't know where she was. It didn't matter. She fell onto the floor, near one of the banisters. She seized the rungs and squeezed them hard, as if it could make the pain disappear. She could no longer hold back her tears.

"So, Burns..." she heard a nasty voice close to her say. "You bump into me and you think that I won't retaliate?" the voice continued. "Tut, tut, I will teach you to show your superiors more respect."

Katarina turned back, her eyes still full of tears. The voice belonged to Lucius Malfoy, a Slytherin who had left Hogwarts a few years ago. Victor Crabbe and Denis Goyle, his two fat and stupid friends, were with him. But Katarina didn't wonder why they were at Hogwarts. She just wanted to be alone.

Malfoy pointed his wand at her. Then he raised another wand in his left hand. Her wand.

"It's a shame you lost this in your flight," he said sadistically. "You won't be able to defend yourself!" he laughed. Crabbe and Goyle joined him.

"L... leave me alone, Malfoy!" Katarina hiccupped. She sobbed again and held her face in her hands. She just wanted to stay there and cry until she would die. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" She pronounced this last sentence like a desperate scream.

***

Severus thought of that terrible day Katarina had lost her parents. Even that day, he hadn't understood. He had been blind, although it should have been obvious. He closed his eyes, trying to remember the scene as it had happened...

***

Hogwarts, end of June, Severus' fifth year.

Severus Snape left his last Transfiguration class. Although it was going to rain, the other Slytherins wanted to go outside and play Quidditch. He didn't follow them. Watching Quidditch always reminded him of how badly he played. He preferred to return to his common room to read quietly. He was about to enter the Slytherin common room, when he heard a scream coming from upstairs.

He raised his head. What was going on? Maybe it would be better to ignore it, but Severus was intrigued. He took the stairs.

"Leave me alone!" Malfoy repeated with a shrill voice in imitation of a girl. He laughed.

Severus went upstairs and saw Burns curled up near the banister, her eyes full of tears. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle stood in front of her. Malfoy menaced her with his wand. Wait a minute... he held two wands. Probably hers.

But... What were Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle doing in Hogwarts? And what on earth was Burns doing so close to the Slytherin common room? Was she mad? Did Miss-Know-It-All want everyone to pay attention to her today? She had already done that in Transfiguration earlier! The stupid girl had even knocked over her books, when the Headmaster had come into the class.

Lucius Malfoy turned back and saw him. He smiled.

"Are you enjoying the spectacle, Severus?" he asked. "We came to visit our old Slytherin friends, and see what we found near our common room! A filthy Gryffindor!" He burst into laughter. He had a strange look in his eyes. "Torturing her would give me great pleasure! My father has just taught me an interesting spell. I've been itching to test it on someone... like on Evan's friend for example! A Pureblood who likes Mudbloods, disgusting!" He snorted. "Tell me Severus, have the fifth years learned how to torture people. Wanna have a try?"

Severus was ill at ease. Malfoy probably meant the Cruciatus Curse. Why had Severus been so curious? He gulped. "No," he replied. "I don't want to be expelled." That was the only response he could think of.

"That's the great advantage of having left this place," Lucius replied. "I can't be expelled! Come on, Severus..." he added in a tone of confidence. "Are you sure you don't want to try the Cruciatus Curse on her? You know that few fifth years would hesitate if they were you!"

"No," Severus responded. "I could be imprisoned for that! And so could you!" He had hoped that the prospect of being sent to Azkaban would change Lucius' plans.

"Hmmm..." Malfoy retorted. "You see, Burns, Severus doesn't want to hex you... That's a shame. I never thought I would see him acting like a Gryffindor!" He burst into laughter.

Severus raised an eyebrow. He didn't like the way this was going. Lucius Malfoy belonged to a prestigious family. Soon he would become influential, like his father. That was not the time for Severus to be against him!

"Severus doesn't want to hex you," Lucius continued, speaking to Burns. "But if he doesn't want to hex you, maybe he'd like to spend more time with you, Burns! What do you think, Severus? She's pretty, isn't she?"

"No!" exclaimed Snape. He panicked. "I won't... touch her!"

Lucius laughed. "I wouldn't touch her either, if I were you," he said. "I will never touch a Gryffindor, even if her parents are both Purebloods... I mean, were Purebloods," Lucius said. He sniggered. "I heard they were killed this morning. My condolences."

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle burst into laughter.

Severus didn't say a word. His face turned white. Now he understood why Burns looked so strange; why she was curled up on herself, her eyes full of tears; why Dumbledore had interrupted class. He had told her that her parents had been killed. Severus felt sorry, terribly sorry for her.

"That's what you get when you go against the Dark Lord," continued Lucius. "He had them murdered!" he sniggered. He paused. "So what about the Cruciatus Curse?"

Severus was horrified. He had to do something! He wouldn't let Lucius Malfoy do anything to her! That was out of the question! He thought quickly. What could he say to dissuade him?

"Dumbledore is probably searching for her," Severus replied. "He can arrive anytime. You should let her alone. If you use the Cruciatus Curse on her, Dumbledore will suspect you. Something awful happens to Burns the same day you come to Hogwarts? What a coincidence! Would you risk being sent to Azkaban for something so stupid?"

Lucius raised an eyebrow. Obviously, he hadn't thought of that. "I must admit you're right, Severus," he said finally.

He stepped forward and leant over Burns to observe her. She hadn't stopped sobbing since he had arrived there, her head bent on her knees.

Severus was really scared. What would Lucius do to her? Severus took hold of his wand, ready to react and hex Malfoy if he tried to hurt her.

"She's insane," Lucius concluded. "I even wonder if she realised we were here."

Insane? Malfoy probably confused insane and shocked. Anyway, Severus felt relieved. However, Lucius put his hand on Burns' throat and forced her to stand up. Then he pushed her backwards down the stairs. She knocked her head hard and rolled down the stairs. She landed twenty steps down in the middle of the staircase. She seemed to be unconscious.

Severus gasped. Fortunately, the sound of her fall covered his gasp.

Lucius turned back to him. "Use the Memory Charm on her. She must not remember she saw us. Then bring her to the Hospital Wing if you want," he said. "After all, she accidentally missed a step too close to the Slytherin common room. I wouldn't like our house to be penalised because of her clumsiness!" He burst into laughter and let go of Burns' wand. Then he left, followed by Crabbe and Goyle.

When Severus was sure they wouldn't come back, he picked up her wand and went downstairs quickly. Burns looked in bad shape, but she was alive. She had a few gashes on her face, covered with tears. She had fainted.

Severus felt bad, terribly bad. A Slytherin would have never helped a Gryffindor, especially if she was about to be killed. He had been stupid. He had risked angering Lucius Malfoy because of this stupid girl! Moreover, his father had counselled him to never annoy a Malfoy. But he also felt bad because he hadn't helped her enough. He could have prevented this. He felt he was a coward. If he'd had more courage, he would have hexed Malfoy, like he wanted to do. But he hadn't done anything.

Severus had never learnt how to make someone levitate. Those spells were taught in seventh year. He tried to raise Burns' chest in his arms as carefully as possible. She moaned. He didn't know exactly how injured she was, but he had to bring her to Madam Pomfrey as quickly as possible. But first, the Memory Charm.

Burns moved her head slowly. She was about to wake up. She opened her eyes, but she didn't seem to realise where she was. She didn't say anything.

Severus pointed his wand at her. "Obliviate," he repeated in his mind. But his lips wouldn't obey. His father had taught him how to erase memories. Severus had to do it, but he simply couldn't. Something prevented him from casting the spell. He lowered his wand. No, he couldn't erase her memories. That was beyond his strength.

"Come on," Severus said to Burns. He more or less put her arms around his neck. "Hang on, or I won't be able to lift you. I'm taking you to the Hospital Wing."

Burns obeyed, even if she seemed to be unconscious.

"God, you're heavy!" Severus exclaimed. That silly girl really did anything to irritate him!

Severus acted as quickly as possible. When he was close to the Hospital Wing, he saw Burns had fainted.

"God!" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed. "What happened?"

"I found her unconscious on the floor," Severus replied. "I think she accidentally missed a step."

Even in clean sheets and a warm bed, she didn't look very well. Severus wondered what Burns would say when she woke up. Lucius could be in trouble because of Severus' mistake. He frowned. Malfoy would consider him a traitor! Severus regretted that he hadn't uttered the Memory Charm. He didn't even know why he hadn't used it. He decided to stay with Burns until she opened her eyes. Perhaps he could persuade her not to speak about it. Madam Pomfrey would think he worried about her. Of course, that was not the truth. After all, she was a Gryffindor and Evan's friend. Just a disgusting, little Gryffindor!

After a few minutes, Burns' face, which had been white, took on more normal colour. That was an encouraging sign. She would wake up soon. Severus observed her more closely. Lucius was right, she was rather pretty... for a Gryffindor and a Mudblood's friend. Maybe he could even have found her gorgeous, if she had stopped being clumsy and talking nonsense all the time...

Burns stirred in her sleep, a pained expression on her face.

"Calm down!" Severus exclaimed in his mind. He straightened her messy hair, accidentally brushing his hand against her cheek. "Soft skin," he thought without wanting it.

Five minutes later, Burns opened her eyes slowly. She looked around, with an expression of pain, and sobbed.

Oh no! She was going to cry again! Severus felt angry. He found her very irritating! But a second voice in his head told him that she had just lost her parents, and that her reaction was perfectly normal.

"Uh..." He cleared his throat, hoping that she would notice his presence.

"What are you doing here?" she said, without any aggressiveness in her voice. She looked tired.

He hadn't thought of the answer yet. "Are... are you all right?" he said at last. He couldn't think of anything else to say. He eventually moved close to her bed.

"I guess so..." she replied finally. "Considering the situation... I guess I am..." she continued. "What did you tell Madam Pomfrey?"

"Well..." Severus replied, awkwardly... "I told her... that I found you unconscious downstairs." He sat on her bed. How could he tell her to keep her tongue?

"So that's why you are here..." she responded slowly. "You don't want me to talk about what happened, right...?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. She was not so stupid, after all. "It's not... well... I guess..." he replied. He fumbled for the words. "Yes," he said finally.

"Don't worry, I promise I won't talk about it to anyone," Burns said simply. "I don't even want to... think of that... I don't want to think of anything..." she added very weakly.

Severus felt relieved. He hoped she would keep her promise. "So..." he replied after a very long and heavy silence. "I think I'll leave now".

"Severus!" she said suddenly. She caught his hand before he could leave.

Severus jumped. He hadn't expected that touch.

Burns took several seconds before going on. Her eyes remained shut. Then, she looked him straight in the eye. "Thank you..." she added.

Then he left, moved by the look she had thrown him.

***

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