Blackadder: The Pure-blood Years

"Blackadder! Get out here!" hissed the cold voice of Lord Voldemort. Edmund stiffened in his place as a member of the circle of Death Eaters surrounding the Dark Lord. He was beginning to regret his choice of employment. Oh, he didn't mind the Muggle torturing or the dark orgies. What was beginning to worry him was the alarming rate at which Voldemort went through his loyal followers. Only last week, Rosier had been disembowelled for making the Dark Lord's tea wrong. In some ways Edmund couldn't blame him. It was so hard to get a decent cup of tea these days.

He walked hesitantly into the centre of the circle, trying not to shudder as the Dark Lord's red-eyes swept over him.

"Blackadder," said Voldemort in a quiet, yet menacing tone. "Is this yours?" Two other Death Eaters threw a brown bundle to the ground in front of Edmund. He stifled a groan. The Fates had just dropped a load of dragon's dung on his plans - in the form of Baldrick to be precise. With Baldrick here, his chances of survival went down from possible to not-bloody-likely. His only choice was to straight out lie.

"No, my Lord. I've never seen him before in my life," he said confidently, glad that he was wearing a mask.

"Mr. B! You saw me at dinner. You said I was a festering pile of armadillo bile!"

"I had dinner at the Ministry, my Lord," said Blackadder hastily. He willed Baldrick to remain silent. The pile of excrement moved, and Baldrick stood up. Edmund stared in a sort of fascinated horror.

There was a mask on Baldrick's face. As masks went, it would have won the World's Worst Mask Award three times running if the judges hadn't already vomited all over their shoes at the sight. Behind him, Edmund could hear a few Death Eaters doing just that. The turnip really had been a bit much.

"Tell him what you told me," commanded Voldemort. Edmund could see Baldrick's eyes inside the mask blinking in puzzlement.

"I don't really think this is necessary, my Lord," said Edmund quickly. "He's obviously insane. One curse and we'll be rid of him. I volunteer, no, I insist on the duty." His voice was very hard.

"Silence, Blackadder," said the Dark Lord.

"You see Mr. B," said Baldrick, finally remembering how to speak. "You told me that anyone could be a Breath Eater. All they needed was a funny mask and a robe." Blackadder exploded.

"It's Death Eater, you mongoose-brained moron! Do I have to inscribe it in your forehead with a dull knife?" He paused, and the words he had just said caught up with his brain.

"So you do know him," said Voldemort mildly. Edmund dared to look at the Dark Lord. He was smiling slightly. "It so happens Blackadder, that I have a mission that needs performing. Young Percy here will be in charge." Blackadder's eyes left the Dark Lord and travelled unwillingly to a tall, ungainly Death Eater standing to Edmund's left. You could see the stupid expression on Percy's face quite clearly because the nitwit still hadn't gotten the hang of putting the mask on the front of his head.

Percy Percy the Fifth was from an old wizarding family. An old wizarding family so full of rampant inbreeding and idiocy that it was a wonder they hadn't breed themselves into extinction. Of course, there was the argument that extinction was better than the current example of the Percy line.

"You and Percy will be infiltrating the Ministry for me. Percy knows the details." Voldemort glanced down at Baldrick. "Take this thing with you," he said in disgust. He gestured and all the Death Eaters apparated away, followed shortly by the Dark Lord.

"Did you hear that Mr. B? He said I was a thing!" said Baldrick happily. Blackadder growled in frustration.

"Take off that moronic mask!" he said, snatching it off of Baldrick's head, then dropped it quickly for fear of contamination.

"Ye gads!" exclaimed Percy, who had unfortunately remembered to stay behind. "Maybe he should put it back on," he said nervously. He was turning a fairly lovely shade of green.

"But then I couldn't do this," said Blackadder before punching Baldrick in the face. It was so much more satisfying than a curse.

"Here now," said Percy. "That was uncalled for!" Edmund turned around and punched the fool.

"So was that," said Blackadder smiling in satisfaction. "Now tell me the details of this mission." They would end up in Azkaban or at the receiving end of a brilliant green light if he left the mission in the hands of this dunderhead.

"We're to go to the Ministry and put this letter on the desk of the Minister of Magic," Percy practically blubbered. He was crumpling the letter he had taken out of his pocket. Edmund snatched it and started to open it, but then he considered what he would do if he ever sent a letter to the Minister and placed it carefully back in Percy's trembling hands.

"All right. Then we'll apparate to the entrance to the Ministry and make our way to his office," said Edmund. At this time of night, Fudge was probably asleep at his desk, drooling over the crossword. The fool had yet to discover the pot of Floo powder that was kept conveniently next to the fireplace in there. It would have been nice if they could floo into there as well, but the fireplace in the office only went one way.

With a wave of his wand, Edmund transfigured his and Percy's Death Eater robes into plain, black robes. There was nothing he could do for Baldrick.

He took Baldrick with him when he apparated, then looked around for Percy. Years of living with Baldrick had inured him against even the most ghastly sights, which was why he was able to calmly say, "Percy, apparate back to the meeting place and this time bring your robes with you."

+++++

Edmund stopped in frustration. He threw out his arm to encompass the area they were in. "What do you see?" he asked his companions. Percy looked excited.

"Is this like one of those games where you make shapes out of things like clouds?" He peered down the corridor. "I can see a rabbit and a white armadillo and their mating-"

"Silencio," said Blackadder and gestured with his wand. Percy seemed to think it was all a misunderstanding and kept gesturing at him. Edmund watched the idiot point carefully at his throat, then mouth a few words at him, then start over again.

"I think Percy wants to be strangled, Baldrick. Shall we oblige him?"

"It looks like a bland white corridor, Sir," said Baldrick. He was staring hard at their surroundings. Blackadder forgot about Percy.

"Very good, Baldrick. It seems that one brain cell in your head finally fired. Now what is so special about this corridor?" Baldrick looked blankly at him.

"It's a turnip?" Edmund shook his head.

"No, you feeble-minded fool! It's exactly the same as every other corridor we've passed through since we've been here! There must be a Maze charm on the Ministry to prevent easy access after a certain time. I should have known," Edmund said to himself. A hand tapped him on the shoulder. He looked over to see Percy. Just what he needed.

"Never touch me again," he warned. "Now what do you want?" Percy held up two fingers. "Two words?" Percy nodded and smiled. He turned around and pointed towards his arse. "Oh gawd...Arse? No. Derriere? No. Behind?" Percy nodded vigorously. "All right. Word two." Percy pointed at him. "Me? Behind me?" There was a sinking sensation in Edmund's chest as he turned around.

A young wizard with blazing red hair and a serious expression was pointing his wand directly at them. There were dark shadows under his eyes, probably from working this late, but his wand hand hardly trembled. He had apparently been waiting politely for them to finish their game before speaking.

"You're intruders aren't you?" asked the young wizard.

"No. We were out for a stroll and got lost," growled Blackadder. The wizard looked uncertain.

"You better come back to my office while I call this in," he said, and gestured for them to precede him down a corridor they hadn't noticed before. Before he moved, Edmund surreptitiously took the silence spell off of Percy who was still standing behind him. The idiot's blithering might come in handy later on.

"I don't suppose you could just forget you saw us and go back to your mountains of paperwork?" asked Blackadder desperately. The red-haired wizard didn't even answer him. They reached his office all too soon, and they all crowded into a room barely the size of a broom cupboard. Blackadder read the name placard on the desk. Percy Weasley.

"Look, Percy," began Edmund.

"Yes?" said Percy Percy.

"Yes?" said Percy Weasley. Edmund glared at Percy Percy. He turned to glare at Baldrick as well, on the general principle that the turnip lover would eventually do something wrong.

"Not you Percy, the other Percy," Edmund ground out. Percy the Death Eater blinked owlishly at him.

"But I'm Percy," he protested in the slow voice of someone who was dealing with the hardest arthimancy problem in their life.

Edmund spoke slowly in the hopes that his dim witted companion would understand. "Percy Percy," he gestured towards the red-haired wizard. "This is Percy Weasley."

"Oh come now, Edmund. You can't fool me. He doesn't look anything like me."

"That's it!" yelled Blackadder. He turned to Percy Weasley. "Kill me now!" he demanded.

"What?" stammered the other wizard. Edmund reached out and took the wizard's wand.

"You point this at my head." He demonstrated by pointing it at Weasley's head. "And then you say avada k-" He stopped. He had the other's wand now didn't he? Weasley was giving him a horrified look. "Stupefy," he said, than used his wand to tie up the unconscious wizard before shoving him under his own desk. With luck, no one would notice Weasley was missing for, oh, a century. Now, to finish their mission.

He pulled up the directory that he knew was in every office and used it to decipher the complex Maze charm on the Ministry's corridors after hours. After only one wrong turn, they were able to enter the Minister's Office. They were lucky that Fudge wasn't there. Edmund quickly looked the Fudge's desk over and snorted when he spotted the Minister's perpetual crossword puzzle. With a malicious grin, he picked it up and unceremoniously threw it in the fire.

"The letter, Percy," he demanded. Percy looked puzzled.

"The letter?" In one move, Blackadder had Percy by the front of his robes and up against one wall.

"If you tell me you've forgotten it, I'll be leaving your desecrated dung-hill of a corpse here as a new letter to Fudge," he hissed. Percy looked desperately at him.

"I haven't forgotten it?" he said brightly. Blackadder snarled wordlessly. He was pulling out his wand to remove the last Percy heir from existence when the door to the Minister's Office burst open.

"Petrificus totalus," shouted the first wizard through the door. This left Edmund stiff as a board on the floor, which is why he wasn't even able to groan when he saw Mr. Percy Weasley walk through the door and identify them as his assailants. The Aurors set about arresting them.

The rarely used optimistic part of Edmund's brain kicked in as they were levitating him out. At least he wouldn't have to face Voldemort for failing the mission...

"Did you hear that Mr. B?" exclaimed Baldrick happily. He was meekly following the Aurors out of the room. Percy was happily chatting with a bewildered Percy Weasley, insisting they must be brothers, even as the Aurors restrained him.

"We're going to Azkaban!" said Baldrick, a big smile on his face.

Oh gawd...