Rating:
PG-13
House:
Schnoogle
Ships:
James Potter/Lily Evans
Characters:
James Potter Lily Evans
Genres:
Drama Romance
Era:
1970-1981 (Including Marauders at Hogwarts)
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 07/21/2004
Updated: 06/15/2005
Words: 192,794
Chapters: 25
Hits: 69,299

Prelude to Destiny

AnotherDreamer

Story Summary:
They lived to defy Voldemort. They lived to enact vengeance. They lived in the shadow of better people. They lived to earn the respect of better people. Their story is more than the tragic beginning of the great victory over the Dark Lord. It weaves its way through heartbreaking love, games of magical tag, hours of learning animagi transformations, dates with the wrong sort of boy, and the bonds that death cannot break. This is the story of the people who will star in the footnotes of the great battles of Harry Potter- they who History deems unworthy of great attention and who worked diligently with Destiny to pave the path of the Boy Who Lived.

Chapter 19

Chapter Summary:
“He's been really distant,” Lily complained.
Posted:
03/26/2005
Hits:
2,553


Chapter 19

Just When Everything Had Been Going So Well

"What did you think of their number chart?" James asked as he and Lily left the Arithmancy classroom.

"I think they messed up the numbers for Thursday the fifth and Tuesday the tenth," Lily said.

"Sad, really, that they were so careless," James said, shaking his head. Lily grinned at him.

"I know. They might as well quit now, before they really mess up," joked Lily.

"Two dates wrong. Shameful, that is," James noted.

"I'd be horrified," Lily agreed.

"I'd consider quitting school."

"Consider? No. I'd just leave," Lily corrected, smirking when James caught her eye.

"You two look awfully chirpy," Sirius began, joining the pair on their trek to the dungeons. Actually, where was Sam? She always walked with Lily between those two classes.

"And you look a little sickly," Lily returned.

"You know," James said, "if someone activated a charm on a Friday the sixteenth at one-eleven in the afternoon--"

"That'd be brilliant," Lily said. She'd never thought about it before, but potion brewing could be seriously affected by the number choice of the ingredients and the dates of the making and the number of stirs. "And if they used a dragon's egg, well, that'd be great."

"What'd happen?" Sirius asked, looking back and forth between the pair of them.

"It could blow up a small country if you picked the right ingredients," Lily said.

"Or a large country if you picked the wrong ones." James shrugged and winked at Lily.

"I don't like being left out," Sirius said. Lily laughed and looped her arm through his.

"You're only left out because we don't like you," Lily teased, smiling when Sirius yanked his arm away from her.

"I liked you embarrassed and irritated when I teased you about Sputnik," Sirius muttered.

"And you love me being sarcastic and snippy in general," Lily replied.

"Only this much," Sirius said, showing his thumb and forefinger very close together.

"But because we're secret best friends, that really means you like me this much," Lily whispered, holding out her arms as wide as they could go. Sirius took advantage of the situation, picked Lily up and twirled her around as she squirmed to get away.

"See? Can't keep your hands off me," Lily said, back on the ground. "Though I desperately wish you would."

"So does his girlfriend," James added.

"You have a girlfriend?" Lily grinned. Teasing him about his girlfriend would be the perfect revenge for the way he hassled her about James. She hadn't known he was dating anyone. "Who's your girlfriend?"

"Never you mind," Sirius said dismissively, patting Lily's shoulder. "Never you mind."

"Do you have an aversion to commitment words?" Lily asked, continuing to walk to Potions.

"He runs from them like the plague," James said.

"The plague was a disease, James. It didn't run," Sirius said condescendingly.

"I meant you ran from commitment words like you would run from the plague," James explained.

"The plague was a disease, James. You can't outrun a disease," Lily said, mimicking Sirius's tone.

"I hate you people," James muttered. "You always take metaphors too literally."

"We're hurt, aren't we, Lily?" Sirius said, resting an arm across Lily's shoulders.

"I'll weep tonight," Lily replied, stepping out of Sirius's reach.

"Honestly, James, I don't know what your problem is," Sirius said, reaching out a hand to the dungeon door.

"Want to talk about your girlfriend, Sirius?" James asked. Lily wasn't fooled by that casual tone for a moment. That was a threat. How fun!

"Want to talk about yours?" Sirius replied in a similarly threatening tone. What?

"Isn't Tracy dating a seventh year on the Quidditch team?" Lily asked, confused. James looked over at her, his expression mirroring hers.

"Yes."

"Then what--"

"James has plans in the work," Sirius whispered in her ear as he pulled on and held the door open for Lily to pass through.

"Thank you," she said, nodding toward the door.

"Hey!" Sirius cried out. Lily turned to find him looking at James. "Did you just smack the back of my head?"

"Be glad I didn't punch it," James answered.

Oh, now Lily felt really badly. Sure, Sirius had mentioned Tracy indirectly, but Lily had been the one to actually mention the name. It was obvious that the broken relationship between the two of them was still a sore spot for James.

Lily saw Sam seated in the middle left of the room and made her way over, setting her bag on the table.

"Hey there, stranger," Lily said, sitting. "Why didn't you come by Arithmancy?"

"Because the last two times I went, you were chatting with a group of people," Sam replied, opening her potions book and riffling through it. "I thought you found a new group to walk with."

"Oh," Lily said, feeling left out. Why hadn't Sam talked to Lily about it? That was their thing, their tradition: walking between classes gossiping. "I'd rather walk with you. You're my best friend. We need bonding time."

"And that time ought to be the two minute walk from your Arithmancy classroom to the dungeons?"

"Well," Lily said, "either then or when we break a lot of school rules."

"I'll come by next Arithmancy class," Sam consented.

"Good."

"Hey, Lily," James whispered, leaning over in his chair across the aisle.

"Yes, James?" Lily replied, leaning toward him and whispering too.

"I bet you a sickle I can answer more questions than you today."

"Answer them correctly?" Lily clarified. He smirked and nodded. She considered him. He probably had some sort of trick up his sleeve to help him, but when had she ever turned down a challenge?

"You're on," Lily said. James nodded and straightened in his seat.

"What was that all about?" Sam asked.

"Just a fun little wager," Lily said. Sam smiled at Lily, smiled at James, and then nodded at Sirius. Why were people always nodding at Sirius? That was irritating.

"Obsessing again?" Sam whispered. Lily looked over at her, smiled, and shook her head.

"No," Lily replied. "I just-- I really like being his friend."

"I'm glad."

"He's so funny, Sam." Lily's smile grew. "Like today in Arithmancy--"

"Yes?" Sam prompted after Lily cut herself off.

"Oh, nothing, he was just funny in general."

"Why'd you cut yourself off?"

"Because I was about to tell a story that was a 'you had to be there' story."

"Thanks for keeping that to yourself," Sam said.

"I'm always looking out for you, Sam."

"Good morning, class. How are all of you?" Professor O'Malley greeted.

"Fine, thank you," Lily chimed in, then glanced at James and surreptitiously held up a single finger to show that she'd already answered one of the questions correctly. James's eyes widened as he grinned and shook his head. Their wager was on.

~*~*~

"So you and James are getting along better?" Sam asked, vanishing the remainder of her potion as Lily packed up their ingredients.

"A little, yeah," Lily said, putting his sickle in her robe pocket. "Sirius kind of forced it on us."

"But aren't you happy being his friend?" And there was the word again: friend. Friend. Ew.

"It's still a little awkward at moments," Lily explained. The two girls were the last ones in the dungeon classroom.

"Why?"

"I don't know," Lily admitted, shrinking her Potions book and shoving it into her bag. "We're fine talking about school and things, but anything more and it's like-- I don't know--it's as if, though neither of us wants to say it, we won't--"

"Won't what?" Sam asked, lifting her bag onto her shoulder and turning to face Lily.

"Won't admit that we're still really uncomfortable around one another," Lily concluded, lifting her own bag and heading out the door with Sam. There was more to it than that, obviously. "I don't want to like him again, Sam."

"What do you mean 'again'?" Sam stopped walking and turned to face Lily, who shifted her weight from foot to foot.

"Didn't I tell you? I decided to stop liking James."

"You decided?" Sam repeated quickly, too quickly really. "When did you decide that? Why?"

"Sometime in March." Lily wondered why Sam's voice, while sounding calm because Sam could always feign calmness when she wanted, had an undertone of confusion and a little panic.

"March? That was over a month ago," Sam said, her eyes were shifting back and forth across Lily's face.

"Yeah, I guess so. It was right around the time when he and Tracy broke up," Lily said. "I didn't want to be his rebound."

"You didn't want to be his rebound? Was that even an option?" Sam repeated. Lily shrugged, turning and continuing up the stairs, only to have Sam's hand sneak out and grab hers.

"Listen, this doesn't matter. Sirius and I talked about it," Lily said.

"Talked about what?"

"James and Tracy," Lily said. "And I just didn't want to keep having James be in the centre of my life."

"Sirius knows?" Sam asked. Her eyes unfocused as if she was no longer seeing Lily. "I have to go, Lily. I need to talk to Tracy."

And Lily's black-haired friend raced up the rest of the stairs two at a time. Lily shook her head at her friend's strange behaviour and followed at a slower pace. Lily didn't think she'd ever seen Sam run except during the Game.

~*~*~

Well, lunch came and went, then classes started and ended, and Sam and Tracy were nowhere to be found. So when, at dinner, Lily found herself sitting alone with Christine at the end of the Gryffindor table, it wasn't exactly a surprise. Actually, it was sort of a relief. It meant she and the blonde girl could talk without fear of others listening.

"Remus has been really distant," Lily told Christine.

"Kiss him," Christine suggested.

"What?" Lily asked, turning to stare incredulously at her friend.

"Kiss him," Christine repeated, munching on her carrots.

"How will that help the situation?"

"Don't worry. It will. Kiss him." Christine ate another carrot and Lily glanced down the table at the four male sixth year Gryffindors. James laughed and playfully shoved Sirius, who was also smiling. Peter threw a pea at the pair of them and Remus smiled his tired smile then glanced worriedly out of one of the windows.

"He hasn't been talking at all during patrols for nearly a month and you want me to counter that by jumping him?" Lily asked, clarifying as she turned back to her friend.

"I said kiss, but jumping him would work too." Christine stood.

"I think you give stupid advice," Lily muttered, pushing the food around her plate as Christine walked over to the Ravenclaw table and sat on Matt's lap.

"Lily?" came a tiny voice beside her. Lily turned to face the petite girl beside her.

"Hello," Lily said to the girl whose name she should have known but didn't.

"I'm trying to pick classes for next year," the girl said, sliding over.

"You want my advice?" Lily asked, positive that the surprise in her voice was apparent. The girl's friends were looking at the pair of them with wide eyes. When Lily smiled at them they went back to looking at their food.

"Yes," the girl said, looking down at her list of classes. Why anyone would ever want her opinion about classes, Lily couldn't even begin to fathom, but she supposed it had something to do with her prefect rank.

"All right. What's your favourite class?" Lily asked, sliding the list over and scanning it. Were there really so few options?

"Charms."

"Nice one," Lily said, smiling. "That's my favourite too."

The girl blushed and looked down at the paper. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw the girl's friends chatting and pointing at the pair occasionally.

"Do your friends need help at all?" Lily asked, catching them glancing over.

"They're scared to ask for it," the girl whispered.

"Why?"

"Because, Lily, you are so fabulous and wonderful and old," Sirius answered as he and his group walked past. Lily rolled her eyes, leaned back in her chair and flicked him before he was too far out of reach. He laughed as Lily quickly returned her attention to the girl beside her.

"Are you a Muggle-born?" Lily asked. The girl shook her head, eyes trailing Sirius.

"Then I'd recommend Muggle Studies, which I hear is both easy and interesting," Lily replied, pointing to the class on the list. "The professor is supposed to be great."

It took all of five minutes to pick out Rebecca Baker's classes. In all of that time, the second year's friends whispered back and forth between each other without ever once actually addressing Lily, though they pointed a lot. Finally, Lily asked about it again.

"Oh," Rebecca whispered. "They don't know if it's all right to talk with you."

"Why?" Lily asked, trying to think back on her first few years at school and determine whether or not she'd felt comfortable chatting with older students. She supposed she didn't feel comfortable with them, but it was weird to think of herself as an 'older student.'

"Well, you're a sixth year." Hadn't those older students always been interesting and cool and smart and self assured? They had a jokingly fun repartee with McGonagall and Flitwick. All Lily had was McGonagall's annoyance.

"And?" Lily pressed.

"And you're a prefect."

"And?" Lily really did not understand this.

"And you're Lily Evans."

"Oh, well then," Lily muttered sarcastically. Shaking her head, she asked Rebecca what she wanted to be when she grew up in order to determine which classes Rebecca had to take and found herself very amused to find the girl's response was 'Head Girl.'

"I meant when you left school," Lily corrected.

"Oh. I don't know. That's really far away."

"Not that far," Lily said, smiling. To her, second year felt like yesterday. "But if you want to be Head Girl, I'd suggest talking to Professor McGonagall about what you could do."

"Oh. I don't think I could actually be Head Girl," Rebecca said.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm nothing like you."

"Me?" Lily repeated. "I'm not Head Girl."

"But you will be," Rebecca said.

Lily smiled and shook her head. "I'm not really cut out for it."

"You started F.A.D., didn't you?" the girl asked.

"All of the prefects did," Lily replied.

"But they say that it was your idea," Rebecca said.

"Who says that?"

"Everyone. They say you'll be the next Head Girl." Lily laughed and Rebecca looked confused, then downcast.

"Oh, Rebecca," Lily said quickly. "I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at the thought that I could be Head Girl."

"But you could."

"Why do you say that?" Lily asked, deciding to humour the girl.

"Because you're nice."

"Oh, well, that's sweet of you to say, but being Head Girl requires a bit more than just being nice," Lily said.

"I want you to be Head Girl," Rebecca said. "Everyone likes you, even the Slytherins. Even Sirius Black. I think you'd be a good Head Girl."

"Well, thank you," Lily said, blushing slightly even as she found herself amused by the fact that she thought Sirius Black and the Slytherins were equally difficult to please.

~*~*~

It took a while for Lily to get back to her dorm. So long, in fact, that she barely had time to drop her bag off before she turned around and raced out of the common room in order to make it to the Great Hall in time for her patrol.

"Lily, we need to talk!" Tracy called across the common room. Lily wondered where she'd been all day. And where was Sam for that matter?

"I have a patrol. We'll talk after that, okay?" Lily called back, watching Sirius Black run up to Tracy and cut her off from Lily's view. Lily would have left right then if it hadn't been for--

"Get the hell away from me, Sirius Black," Tracy screeched. "I can't even believe you!"

Sirius picked the beater up and carried her into the boys' dorm door, where Lily saw a brief flash of Peter Pettigrew speaking rapidly to Sam. Lily was about to head over there and see what the commotion was about when the clock chimed. She had to go to patrol now.

Lily wanted to know what all the hubbub was about - and she was sure she could talk more sense to Sirius than Tracy with her yelling - but she really did need to leave. But, okay, that was fine. She was sure that if Tracy or Sam wanted her to know what they were yelling about, they'd tell her what they were arguing about when she returned.

And with that comforting thought, Lily left the Gryffindor common room.

~*~*~

"Matt?" Lily asked as she began to recognize the person waiting for her in the Main Hall.

"Hello, Lily."

"What are you doing here?"

"Your partner asked me to take over for him," Matt said, smiling. Lily tried not to feel disappointed. First Remus had basically gone silent on patrols for the last month and now he just disappeared? That sucked.

"You don't still think he's a werewolf do you?" Lily asked, trying to joke.

"It would be a little difficult as he did manage to patrol on a couple of full moon nights."

"That is a little difficult to reconcile."

"I feel badly about even thinking it," Matt said, following Lily as she led him down a corridor with his blonde hair shining in the bright moonlight. He really was good looking, like a storybook hero. He didn't even need a white horse to look like a prince.

"Don't feel badly about it," Lily said, twirling her wand in her hand. "Just admit you were wrong and give me a thousand galleons."

"A thousand galleons? Why?"

"You have to have a reason?" Lily asked. He smiled and shook his head.

"I forgot how much I enjoyed patrolling with you," Matt said.

"Well, you have all night to remember. Don't feel too overwhelmed by my general fabulousness."

~*~*~

Matt was a strategic patroller. Lily had forgotten that, but now she recalled that he liked being methodical about his hunt. They would open doors at different times progressing from the top of one tower down to the main floor and then they would move to a difficult tower. It's what made it so easy for adventurous students to avoid him on his patrols.

"So you aren't too disappointed that I'm here tonight?" Matt asked as he returned from checking a door. Lily narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"Christine told you."

"Told me what?"

"Don't play dumb," Lily said, shaking her pointer finger at him. He held up both hands and tried not to smile.

"Well, she did admit that you may have an interest in--"

"Lily?"

Matt and Lily turned to find Remus running toward them. Remus? Wasn't Matt covering for him so that he didn't have to be there?

"I'm having flashbacks here, Remus," Lily said to him. "Did you miss the train again?"

"No," Remus said, reaching them and moving to stand next to Lily and glare at Matt. Geez. Lily knew he was upset about the werewolf comment, but she couldn't believe he was still bitter about it.

"What happened?" Lily asked.

"You can leave now," Remus told Matt. Now that was just uncalled for.

"Remus!" Lily snapped. She looked at Matt and shook her head at him. He, in turn, looked suspiciously at Remus.

"Do you have a problem, Remus?" Matt asked.

"Leave and my problem will go away," Remus answered.

"What the hell?" Lily asked, looking back and forth between the two and feeling helpless to keep them from saying even stupider things.

"I've already had this out with James Potter, do you want to have a go too?" Matt asked. He looked calm, but the way he was clinching his fist didn't bode well for Remus. In a fight, Lily had no doubt that Remus would be destroyed.

"Why didn't you find someone else to take the patrol?" Remus asked. Well, why would he have? Lily wondered.

"You're wrong about this whole situation," Matt said. His nails looked to be digging into his own flesh. That couldn't be good.

"I'm wrong?" Remus repeated, spitting the words and taking a step toward Matt.

"Listen, I don't know what you're fighting about but--" Lily tried to interrupt.

"Lily, have you ever wanted to date me?" Matt asked, turning toward her and as a result being unable to see Remus's fist come flying at the side of his head.

"Stupify!" Lily cried just before the fist connected. Remus fell to the ground with a soft 'thunk.' "What the hell was that?"

"How did you cast that spell so quickly?" Matt obviously was not concerned about the important things here. He'd almost been attacked by one of his prefects and all he could talk about was the speed of the spell?

"Matt, what the hell was that about?" Lily pressed, using her wand to point back and forth between him and Remus.

"You should talk to him about that," Matt said, looking down at Remus. "And when he wakes up, let him know that I understand."

"What do you mean you understand? The idiot tried to punch you!"

"For the right reasons," Matt replied, shifting his gaze from Remus to Lily. "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure."

"Yeah, right, of course," Lily replied, still shaking her head at Remus's strange behaviour. She turned and gave Matt a one-armed hug goodnight then turned back to Remus and seriously considered keeping him under the spell just to punish him for idiotically attacking the Head Boy. The effing Head Boy. No, she needed to take this spell off and start yelling at him immediately.

"Ennervate." He blinked up at her a couple of times. "What were you thinking?"

"Where is he?" Remus asked, sitting up and looking around.

"Matt left," Lily replied.

"Good."

"Good?" Lily repeated, watching him stand up. "You nearly attacked the Head Boy and you think that's good? Who are you kidding? You're insane. You're an idiot."

"I was going to leave, but then I found out who your replacement was and I--I just couldn't let you have to put up with that for four hours," Remus explained.

"Put up with what? Walking with one of my best friends?" Lily didn't understand this at all. But maybe, despite all of their shared patrols, it was just that Lily didn't really understand Remus Lupin. He was acting insane. And bipolar.

"I went through a lot to be here," Remus said, visibly upset. "It took forever just to find the two of you and you still won't admit it."

"Admit what?" Lily asked, reaching out and touching the sleeve of his robe, forcing him to meet her eye.

"Nothing!" Remus snapped, turning down the corridor and walking away. "Let's patrol."

"No," Lily said, running in front of and cutting him off. "Admit what?"

"I came because he was on your patrol. I came--"

"Wait," Lily interrupted, thinking fast. Why would Remus have not wanted her to patrol with Matt? Why would he have cared if she and the Head Boy were together? And why would he seem to think it was in Lily's best interest--

"Oh good grief," Lily sighed, realizing it and letting her eyes focus on Remus, standing in front of her, still angry, still self-righteous, still trying to defend her. Trying to-- it was just so adorably wrong. "You thought I liked Matt."

"Was I wrong?" Remus replied.

"You thought he hurt me by dating Christine."

"Was I wrong?"

"You didn't want me to have to patrol with him because you thought it was too painful for me." Oh Remus. Remus, you silly, conclusions jumping, wonderful, wonderful bloke!

"Listen, we don't have to talk about this. I know--"

But Lily cut him off. She took Christine's advice and cut him off. She walked forward and pecked him lightly on the lips.

He jumped in shock.

With her lips less than an inch from his, her hands at her side, Lily whispered, "I never liked Matt."

"Oh," Remus muttered, staring at her lips and licking his own. "Oh, well then."

"Yes, well then," Lily repeated, smiling and feeling warm inside. Remus had defended her. He'd come to make her feel more comfortable.

"Do you think I could kiss you again?" Remus asked. Lily smiled and closed the distance between them, almost melting with pleasure when his hand wrapped around her and landed on her lower back, pulling her even closer until they were as close as they'd been behind the suit of armour.

And for one perfect, frantic moment, Lily let herself pretend that this was what she wanted. She parted her lips so slightly and nearly forgot how to breathe when he ran his tongue along her lower lip. She sighed and loved this physical moment for three, four, five more perfect seconds. And in that time, Lily was able to forget all of her worries about using Remus to forget James. But as she stood there kissing him, a sudden flashing image of James crossed her mind's eye.

Then her eyes shot open as guilt slapped her across the face and she took a step back, deeply out of breath.

"No," Lily whispered, blinking back the tears of frustration in her eyes. "I can't do this."

"Why not?" He looked desperate and sad and eager all at once, taking a step forward and pulling her to him again. And it was just as wonderful this time to kiss him. Just as fun to massage his lips with her own and hear him groan. To feel him pull her so close to him that she was sure his entire body could feel her heart beat. To feel him run his hands down her sides and land on her hips. But no. No. She pulled away once more, opened her eyes, and addressed him.

"I won't let you be my rebound," Lily whispered, but Remus shook his head and leaned in so closely that she could feel his lips moving over hers as he spoke.

"I don't mind being your rebound," he said, cupping her right cheek in his left hand and leaning in to give her a soft, short kiss. Lily pulled back. But frick it was hard. She so desperately wanted to just--but she wouldn't let herself.

"But I do," Lily said, taking his hand into hers and lowering it to her side. "You don't deserve that."

"I'll do anything," Remus said plaintively, playing with her hand as it held his. "I just want to be with you."

"Not like this," Lily said, struggling to keep her eyes open and not focus on the wonderful tingling sensations that his hand created in hers.

"Not like this?" Remus asked, sounding like he was struggling not to scream.

"No," Lily said. "Maybe later--after--when things aren't as confusing."

"I've done bloody everything to make you want to be with me." He paused. "All right. That sounds a little creepy."

Lily laughed briefly through her tears.

"Why do you hate me?" Remus asked, sighing.

"I don't hate you," Lily breathed. "I don't hate anyone, but especially not you."

"Then why can't you just let us have this?" Remus asked, massaging her hand in his and making her so desperately want to just kiss him again. "You and I could work. Just give it a shot."

"I'm obsessed with your best friend," Lily said, wiping tears from her eyes with her free hand. "And you don't deserve that."

He looked as if she had struck across the face. He dropped her hand.

"Sirius?"

Lily laughed, despite the seriousness of the situation, and shook her head, wishing Remus could have been enough for her, wishing Christian could have been enough, but knowing that they weren't. If that kiss had let her realize anything, it was that she couldn't drag Remus through all of this confusion between her and James and their developing friendship.

"Peter?" Remus choked out. "I didn't even know you two spoke--"

"Not Sirius. Not Peter," Lily said, shaking her head.

"Then--" He looked so confused. "What?"

"James," Lily said softly, looking down at the ground as her silent tear fell. Oh how she hated herself in that moment. Here she was, standing in front of probably the most perfect bloke she had ever met, and she still could not stop thinking about James.

"What?" he whispered the word.

"I know," Lily said quietly, ashamed.

"Since when?"

"Since before he started dating Tracy."

"Dating Tracy?" Remus repeated, staring blankly at her.

"I'm sorry," Lily said. "I don't know why I liked him or why he never told you he was dating Tracy. I thought you'd put it together months ago."

"Put what together?"

"I never liked Matt," Lily said, lowering her gaze to the ground. "It was James. It was always James. Since fifth freaking year it's been James."

"You must to be joking," Remus said. "Are you joking?"

"Remus--"

"Oh no," he muttered, backing quickly away from Lily. "I-- I didn't have to do any of this-- but I thought--oh eff me."

"Get away from her!" Tracy's voice reverberated around the corridor, and Lily distantly wondered whether Filch would be coming soon.

"Tracy?" Lily asked. Remus was looking at Tracy running up and shaking his head, opening and shutting his mouth like a fish without words.

"I'm going to kill you," Tracy said, reaching the pair and shoving Remus backward until he hit the wall. Lily grabbed her female friend by the arm to stop her from hitting Remus and positioned herself between them.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily asked.

"Lily, get away from him." Tracy's dull blue eyes burned but never looked at Lily. Instead they stared behind her, at the boy Lily could not see.

"What's going on?" Lily asked.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" Tracy asked, jumping up and glaring at Remus over Lily's shoulder.

Tracy grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her out of the space between them and advanced on Remus. Lily tried to hold her back, but the beater was stronger than she appeared. She stood toe-to-toe with the six-foot Remus.

"Did you think I was an idiot?" Tracy hissed.

"Wait, please--Tracy--stop." Remus tried to interrupt, but Tracy was having none of it.

"Stop? Don't you dare!"

"Tracy--"

"Matt just came back--"

"Please don't--"

"And told me you showed up!" Tracy screamed. "And just today Sam put it together and Sirius--"

"Tracy--" Remus said, desperation in his face.

"What's going on?" Lily asked, tired and worried and desperately not wanting to be in the middle of this fight that she had nothing to do with, that she did not understand.

"Is that it?" Tracy hissed, yanking his apple juice pouch off his shoulder and waving it around like it was her beater's bat. "What's the matter? Is your hour over?"

"Tracy, she liked me. She thought we were dating," Remus said, giving up trying to get the satchel back and just pleading with Tracy. "She--"

"I know!" Tracy shot back.

"You knew?" He looked a cross between heartbroken and angry, betrayed and irate. He looked like, had he been someone else, he might have thought of cursing Tracy. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Don't you dare!" Tracy yelled, still too angry herself to see that pushing him was a bad idea. "Don't you dare try to turn this against me."

"You knew how I felt!" Remus yelled, gesturing at Tracy. "You knew I was doing everything I could--"

"No!" Tracy threw the satchel against the opposite wall, where it exploded. "No. I didn't know you were doing this. You stole and you lied and you betrayed everyone's trust. You betrayed my trust. I didn't know that."

"But you knew--you knew she--" He pointed at Lily. "--she liked me!" He paused and turned to look at Lily, all anger draining away to leave but a shell of the boy she had known so well. "You liked me?"

"I did. I do. I'm so confused right now," Lily managed to say. What was happening?

"Of course you're confused!" Tracy snapped.

"Two years, Tracy!" Remus screamed. "Two years!"

"Yeah, well, it's been just as long for her and you don't see her being an effing idiot, betraying your trust and lying to you!"

"What the hell is going on?" Lily asked, taking three steps backward.

"Lily--" Remus began.

"No," Lily said, pointing to the spot on the wall where Remus's 'apple juice' was staining and eating away at the stones in the wall. "I want to know what the hell is going on right now."

"It's James!" Tracy screeched, pointing at a thoroughly guilt-ridden, confused, and upset Remus.

"He took a potion - the Polyjuice potion--to make himself look like Remus," Tracy said, taking deep breaths and staring at Lily. "He stole from a seventh year project, pretended to be Remus, and went on patrol with you."

"What?" Lily asked, for lack of anything to actually say. What? What? What was going on? Lily took a few more steps backwards.

"Please, let me explain," Remus said.

"It only lasts an hour so he brought a pouch--"

"Shut it, Tracy!" Remus snapped. Only it wasn't Remus. Remus was melting, changing and fading even as that mark on the wall grew larger.

Lily waited and watched as Remus Lupin's face faded and James Potter's face emerged. It was a disgusting process, one in which his nose grew too big then shrunk into his head, in which his eyes rearranged themselves and in which Lily's heart broke seven different ways.

"Oh frick," Lily muttered, taking a few more steps backward. "Oh frick."

Her mind was too full of horror and shame and embarrassment to process anything. This had to be a joke. A prank. This had to be-- to be-- something that it wasn't. Oh frick.

"Lily," James--Remus?--said as he took one of her hands in his. And that did it. That was enough to pull her out of the overwhelming flood of emotions and kick-start her.

"Are you kidding me?" Lily screamed, yanking her hand away from him.

"Wait--"

"Are you effing kidding me?" Lily repeated. "Was this your idea of a joke--I can't even breathe. I can't even--are you effing kidding me?"

"Are you all right?" He took a step toward her and she took four back.

"Get away from me! Get away!" Lily screeched. Looking at Tracy and James, standing side by side, standing together, Lily couldn't even muster the energy to jump to conclusions. She couldn't do anything. Anything except the one thing she desperately needed to do: scream.

"Lily, I came as soon as--" Tracy began. But Lily didn't care how soon Tracy had come. Didn't care that she'd come at all.

"You," Lily said, pointing at James, "you just stood there pretending! I kissed you! What's Remus going to think?"

"Remus?" James asked.

"No, Lily, you don't understand." Tracy leaned forward, anger keeping her balanced as she glared at James--James in too short robes and James without glasses. "It's been James for months. We never dated. He only stopped last month. Before that--"

"What?" Lily nearly fell to her knees. She needed to reach out a hand and put it against the wall in order to keep her balance.

"He's been taking it for months, pretending to be Remus. It was always--"

"Tracy, shut the hell up!" James yelled.

"Reducto!" Lily hollered, pointing her wand at the suit of armour in the far corner of the hall. The different pieces of it exploded around the corridor, rattling against the walls, and the breastplate that Lily actually hit with the curse unexpectedly melted.

"Effing hell," Tracy muttered from her crouching position, arms covering her head.

"If Filch didn't hear our yelling," Lily said into the steely silence, "I'm sure he'll have noticed that. I suggest you leave if you don't want ten thousand detentions."

"He can't--"

"I would," Lily replied, turning away from the pair of them and walking toward the melted metal.

"Lily--" James tried to say.

"Leave me alone," she said, cold fury hardening her words, pushing the pair of sixth years away.

And luckily, they both left.

~*~*~

Unfortunately, not everyone understood that Lily was in no mood to talk, to think, to walk, to cry or do anything except effing kill someone.

"Lily?" The voice came on the third floor, after Lily had been walking for quite a while. She turned to see Will McGrath stepping out from behind a sliding secret passage entrance.

"Don't you know you're supposed to avoid prefects when you're sneaking out?" Lily asked as she walked past him.

"But it's only you," Will said, shrugging as he raced to keep up with her. 'It's only you.' He just took it for granted that she was the person she looked like she was. He didn't even imagine that someone had taken an effing potion in order to pretend to look like Lily. Idiot.

"If I ask Chad to come out, will you promise to only take points off me?" Will asked. Lily stopped walking and looked at the first year who was smiling so brightly at her.

"How about, for today, I promise not to take points off anyone?" Lily suggested in clipped tones, so angry she didn't really care about her prefect duties anymore.

"Anyone?"

"Anyone under sixth year," Lily hedged, because if she saw James Potter or Sirius Black right now, who Lily had no doubt was involved, she might just take a thousand points off them both and then curse them to within an inch of their lives.

"Promise?"

"Yes," Lily replied.

"Okay," Will said, turning around he called out in a stage whisper, "Chad, you can come out."

And when the boy stepped out of the shadows near Lily, she wondered how she couldn't have noticed him there.

But then again, she was just blind, wasn't she? Remus hadn't talked the same, hadn't walked the same, hadn't even laughed at their common jokes outside of patrol! How had Lily been so stupid? How could she not have effing suspected that something was wrong?

"Reducto!" Lily cursed.

The corner of a wall was blasted apart. Using that curse in front of Tracy and James had been the first time Lily'd cast a curse since getting her new wand - technically the spells during the game were charms - and she had to admit that it felt good. It felt amazing.

"Cool," Will breathed. Turning to stare as Lily passed the mess with the first years in tow. He loved messes.

"Are you just going to leave that?" Chad, apparently, was not such a fan of messes. Actually, Lily knew that about him. She'd known him since he was six and organizing his blocks by colour and size. If, of course, he really was Chad. Bloody Polyjuice Potion. Bloody James Potter. Bloody magic.

Lily looked at the crumbling wall and wondered if she really wanted to clean it up. It felt so good to destroy, destroy a wall the way Lily desperately wanted to destroy James's face with her first.

"Reparo," Lily muttered, turning and continuing to walk before it rebuilt itself completely.

"Are you angry, Lily?" Will asked.

"Yes," she replied, eyes flicking down to these two eleven year olds. Were they lying and tricking her too?

"Are you angry at a professor?"

"No," Lily replied. And hadn't James laughed in class when she mentioned flogging Will? Wasn't that a giveaway?

"Are you angry at me?"

Lily looked at Will and said, "No."

"Are you angry at Chad?"

"No." Lily smiled, then stopped. And hadn't 'Remus' always asked about James and how she felt about him and--frick.

"Are you angry at Tracy?" Will sounded hopeful, but when Lily thought about it she realized that she really was angry at Tracy.

"No," Lily lied. She was mad because Tracy had been the one that showed Lily what a fool she'd been and Lily was irrationally irritated and angry about that.

"Are you mad at Sam?"

"No." How had everything gotten so out of control so quickly?

"Are you mad at Matt?"

"No." An hour ago, she'd been kissing the perfect guy. The perfect guy. Right. Frick! It had been sodding James Potter; she felt ill.

"Are you mad at--" Will faltered. "--I don't know anyone else."

"Are you mad at James?" Chad asked.

"No," Lily spat, but she turned her wand against the wall and said, "Reducto!"

And that curse felt so good. It was like sipping a glass of her grandmother's best wine. It felt like chocolate in the winter and ice cream in the summer. It felt right. And watching it collide with and blow a hole in that wall felt brilliant. The wall exploded in every direction, ricocheting off a couple of different walls and giving a few hollow thuds.

"Are you angry at the wall?" Will asked.

"Yes," Lily said. "I hate this wall." This wall that watched me patrol with James, thinking it was Remus. This wall that watched me kiss him. That watched me laugh and fall for him again. Again! Oh, yes, Will. I hate this wall.

"You should stop cursing it," Chad said, looking up at Lily with that serious expression of his. "What if someone had been next to it and you hadn't seen them?"

And that was a valid point. A very valid freaking point. A valid point that made Lily feel ill. She could have hurt someone with her stupidity. Frick. Frick! Frick! How had everything gone so wrong?

This was all James's fault.

"Reparo," snapped Lily, hating that casting a charm did nothing to appease her anger. Casting a charm just felt normal, like this was all okay. But nothing was okay. Nothing.

She wanted to curse that wall again. Wanted to cruse it so badly that her wand almost itched to curse on its own, without the incantation.

"What'd the wall do to you?" Will asked, grabbing a piece of rubble only to have it yanked out of his hand by magic as it flew to put itself back into the wall as a result of her Repairing Charm.

"Nothing. It just stood there and watched me make an idiot out of myself," Lily said, turning abruptly down a set of stairs. The boys followed.

"Tracy says I always make an idiot out of myself, but I don't blow up walls for watching me," Will countered.

"Yeah, well, I have issues," Lily said. She really didn't want to be talking right now. She wanted to be blowing up walls and leaving them destroyed. She wanted to pretend like no one cared about her and mope in self-pity.

"Issues? What does that mean?" Will asked.

"That means I just want to crawl into a hole and cry for days," Lily said.

"Don't cry," Will said. Lily almost wanted to smile. He was such a boy. Such an eleven year old boy, hating crying and everything.

"Why do you want to cry?" Chad asked.

"I'm just being an idiot," Lily said. She wanted to throw up. How was it so easy to go back and forth between being sick and being angry and being so frustrated that she wanted to cry or blow something up?

"I don't think you're an idiot," Will said.

"Well, thanks," Lily said.

"But you still owe me a F.A.D. note!" Will exclaimed. Chad stopped walking and Will did too. Lily turned to look at them questioningly. Both boys smiled and looked over at a statue. Right, the Ravenclaw entrance. Lily hadn't noticed. Had they even been walking in that direction?

"Night, Lily," Chad said, smiling a small smile and walking up to the statue. Will turned to look at her with his big blue eyes.

"You're really not mad at me?" he asked. She shook her head. "Okay because I didn't want you to be mad at me before and now I don't want you to be mad at me because I don't want to be blown up or exploded. Okay?"

"Okay," Lily said, smiling, fighting back tears, and hating herself for it. In an impulsive move, she pulled Will into a hug. He barely came up to her chest and he was so tiny, like a doll. She held him for a short time, but he quickly stepped away.

"Ew," he said, pretending to wipe his arms. "I don't hug girls."

"Even me?" Lily asked, smiling, loving his reaction, loving Will McGrath for being so perfectly eleven.

"Well, I suppose you're not really a girl," Will said.

"Oh. Thanks."

He wrapped his thin arms around her briefly, turned and then ran into his common room, but before the statue shut, he turned and yelled, "Hey! You owe me two notes!"

She owed him a thousand notes. A thousand and one.

~*~*~

Standing in front of the Slytherin entrance wall, Lily felt like an idiot. What had she expected? That Gertrude would just know she was there? That she would magically appear just because Lily needed her to be there?

Lily slid down the wall opposite the entrance and felt stupid. So stupid. But as long as she was already feeling stupid, Lily figured she might as well try her best to get inside. She started guessing passwords.

"Pureblood," she began. "Slytherin. Nitwit. Oddball. Crustacean. Mudblood. Hate. Voldemort. Death Eater. Oops. That was a little prejudiced. Just open up, you stupid wall. Open! Open sesame."

A few minutes passed, Lily staring at the floor, unwilling to move.

"Abraca-effing-dabra," she muttered.

"I really don't think that's their password," Sirius Black said, walking up.

Lily scrambled to stand up and face Sirius Black and his muttered words, saying, "If you come any closer to me, Sirius Black, I swear--"

"I thought you might come here," Sirius said. "For Gertrude."

"Don't think--Don't presume--You don't know me!" Lily said through clenched teeth.

"Who's being cryptic now?" Sirius asked. Was he joking? Teasing Lily?

"Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?" Lily hissed at him, holding her wand in a duelling position and realizing for probably the first time the damage she could inflict with it. Sirius's eyes locked on hers.

"James came back. He said Tracy found out about the plan--"

"The plan? The effing plan? You knew?" Lily asked. Oh she felt effing betrayed. Betrayed and hurt. Sirius knew? She'd figured he did, but it still hurt to know for sure.

"Lily, James was trying to--" Sirius said.

"To what? Lie and hurt and cheat me?"

"He didn't think you'd fall for Remus," Sirius said. Lily was shaking her head. "He did it to get to know you. When he realized you were liking Remus, he stopped--"

"No. No, he was a selfish bastard," Lily spat. "And that conversation I overheard--you were talking about me--and--oh frick. I--" I hurt so much.

"Lily, he did it for you."

"No!" Lily screamed. Screamed. She just started screaming to let out her frustration. Screaming and screaming without stop until she was so drained that she wanted to fall to the ground again and cry. She was so angry and frustrated. She couldn't even muster the energy to want to blast a hole in the wall. She was just drained. Leaving Will and Chad just made her feel lonely. Just lonely.

And betrayed. So very betrayed.

She saw Sirius standing five feet away and walked toward him with the intention to hit him, yell at him, curse him, and cry. But instead, Lily found herself standing before him, staring, drained and empty. So empty. And she wanted to ask him how could he have done this to her? How could James? How could--

But Sirius's arms were around her suddenly and she was crying, sobbing. Trying to breathe as her tears fell onto his robes. And she was hugging him back, clinging to him. She was sure, had he chosen to let go of her, she would have fallen.

"Why?" she asked, taking a deep breath, still unable to regulate her crying as she turned her head to rest it on his shoulder. "Why did he do this?"

"Lily--" But even Sirius didn't have the words. His arms around her, supporting her, she cried as if Sirius was her best friend. She cried as if he could make this better somehow.

"He didn't mean to hurt you," Sirius whispered.

"And that's supposed to make it better?" Lily asked, backing away from Sirius and wiping her eyes.

"Think of this from his point of view," Sirius said. "He's been after you for two years and you just--you didn't even give him a chance."

"I gave him a chance!"

"You shut him down at every opportunity," Sirius snapped. He waved his arm in the general direction of their dorm. "Even now he's up in our dorm, devastated, hating himself because of you."

"This is not my fault!" Lily countered. "This is not my fault."

"I'm not blaming you."

"It sure as hell sounds like you are," Lily replied. "If anything, this happened because of you."

"Me?" Sirius looked highly offended, but also guilty. Oh yes he looked guilty.

"You knew it all. I told you I liked him. I told you and all you did was tease me. Why didn't you just tell him? Or why didn't you tell me how he felt?"

"And how would you have reacted, Lily?" Sirius asked. "You think you would have given a shout of joy and run to him? Don't play stupid with me."

"How dare you," Lily said, wiping the rest of her drying tears away and giving into anger. "Don't you dare claim that you know me."

"I know you, Lily. I don't understand you, but I know you," said Sirius. "You unnecessarily complicate everything. You didn't say yes to James when he asked you out thirty-seven times last year even though you liked him. You cast a shield against Death Eaters even though you aren't very powerful. You're remarkable, but also kind of crazy . And you think, what? That if I told you James was obsessed with you, you'd have run into his freaking outstretched arms?"

"And how do you know I wouldn't have?" Lily asked.

"Because you'd never let anything be that easy, especially anything that has to do with James," Sirius replied quietly, taking a step forward and grabbing Lily's arm before she could back away. "James has liked you for years and he thought he knew you--"

"He didn't."

"No," Sirius said. "He knew nothing about you. He thought he did. We all did. I thought you were--but you aren't."

"I'm not what? Naïve, gullible, easy to lie to?" Lily snapped. "Oh. Wait. That's right. I am. I am all of those things. Apparently I'm a freaking idiot!"

"He didn't do this to hurt you," Sirius said. "It started because he overheard Matt asking too many questions and we noticed the schedule of patrols. We did this to protect Remus. It had nothing to do with you."

"Then why did he keep it up?" Lily asked, unwillingly feeling both impressed and disappointed: impressed that James would work so hard to protect Remus, who apparently might actually be a werewolf, and disappointed that he hadn't really done this for her. Well, that second thought was stupid.

"He kept it up for you!" Sirius exclaimed, releasing her arm and throwing his hands up in frustration. "You. He's been following you around like a lost puppy for years, and he saw this as his one chance to get to know you and to get over you."

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Because he thought you knew he liked you," Sirius replied. "He came back from those stupid Wednesday night things steamed and upset one night, saying it was over, that you knew and still hated him. He was going to throw in the towel."

"But he knew I liked him--he figured it out--"

"No. No, he didn't."

"He liked me?" Lily repeated, feeling so frustrated she wanted to curse something again.

"Yes," Sirius said.

"I don't believe you," Lily said. "This was just another prank."

"Frick, Lily!" Sirius exclaimed, reaching his hands out as if to strangle her. Lily stood her ground and glared at him. "He was practically in freaking love with you and all you could do was yell at him because you thought he was teasing you! Stop assuming and just listen to someone for a change!"

"If he liked me, why would he ever do this?" Lily asked.

"To be with you," Sirius said. "The stupid bastard was desperate. He thought this was his only chance--"

"And you thought this was all so hilarious!" Lily snapped. "You looked at me and told me what fun this would all be."

"And it was!" Sirius replied. "Watching you two dance around each other was the craziest thing I've ever seen, but now it has to end. You and James--you're-- Just go up there and talk to him."

"No," Lily said, shaking her head.

"No?"

"No." Lily shook her head and met Sirius's stare. "No. He lied to me. He broke my trust and confidence and--"

"Quit looking for excuses, Lily!" Sirius cut her off. "Stop it. You and James make sense. Just date him."

"Date him?" Lily exclaimed. "You must be joking."

"Why? You were falling for Remus and still thinking about James. Well, that's perfect. They're the same person!"

"And that's supposed to make me happy?" Lily asked, shaking her head as shame overwhelmed her. "I've been bloody stalking Remus in classes, forcing him to--oh frick-- forcing him to talk to me. James made a fool out of me."

"He made a fool out of himself." The pair turned sharply to see Gertrude Wrightman standing in the Slytherin doorway, the wall closing behind her. She turned to address Sirius, "I only just finished your owl."

"You owled her?" Lily asked Sirius.

"I figured you'd come down here to talk to her." And Lily didn't even want to think about what it meant that Sirius hadn't imagined that Lily would talk to her own dorm and house mates.

"James made himself look like a fool, Lily, not you," Gertrude proclaimed.

"Then why do I feel like such a--why do I feel like such an idiot?" There were tears in Lily's words that she thought she'd already shed.

"Sirius," Gertrude said. Lily looked over to see him nod at Gertrude, shoot a worried look at Lily and begin to walk away. He stopped short of leaving, turned and faced Lily.

"He's the closest thing I have to family right now, and you two--you'd work," Sirius said in parting. "If you just gave in, I'd hate that, because that's not you, but he--"

"Sirius," Gertrude cut him off. He looked at her.

"He--"

"I know," she said, nodding at him. He nodded back, slow and sad, then turned and really left.

"Gertrude," Lily began, unable to find the words for her shame.

"Yes, Lily?" The blonde, elegant woman of seventeen nodded at Lily as she had nodded at Sirius and Lily felt like the Queen herself was giving Lily permission to speak. But she pushed that absurd thought aside.

"What do you know," Lily began, her voice strengthened with the assurance of Gertrude's care, "about the Polyjuice potion?"

"Enough."

"Tell me everything."

The pair, together in the dungeons of a thousand year old castle, sat in an old classroom and talked of potions and lies, patrols and deceptions. They talked about gullibility and the price of magic. They talked until Lily had blown a few more holes in a few more walls and tears had run out of her eyes. They talked until Lily was too drained to feel anything but a sad sort of longing for something she did not understand. But in the end, what they really talked about was two broken halves of a heart that all the king's horses and all the king's men seemed willing to put together again.

~*~*~

"Gertrude, he understands," Lily said, looking down at her hands that rested on her knees. "Every patrol--every patrol I always just remember looking at him and not knowing how he could understand everything I said, everything about Petunia and the Ball and guilt and heartbreak. But now I wonder if it wasn't all part of an act. I doubt myself too."

"He might have been acting," Gertrude allowed, shifting on the table she was sitting on, "but I doubt it. One of the most remarkable things about James Potter that I've observed is his ability to empathize with situations he is unfamiliar with."

"Can he?" Lily asked, hoping the answer was yes. "Can anyone really understand when they haven't hurt that much?"

"He has already understood, and he's gone a step further," Gertrude said. "He accepted Sirius despite his dark family, and Peter though he wasn't as strong as the others. He looked at you and saw what you went through and knew it wasn't something you wanted to talk about. I'm sure he never brought it up."

"No, no he didn't," Lily agreed.

"So, no, he hasn't been through what you have, Lily. He hasn't faced prejudice or grown up in a hard home like Sirius or been the bottom of the class like Peter, but that makes his acceptance and understanding even more impressive."

"Does it?"

"James has never faced a challenge and yet he empathizes with everyone: took Sirius into his home, took Peter into his circle of friends, and fell in love with you despite the negative attitude toward Muggles right now."

"He didn't fall in love with me. He tricked me. He lied to me," Lily said. "He doesn't respect me."

"I doubt that very much," Gertrude replied, sliding off her desk and into a standing position.

"How could he hurt me this much if he cared about me at all? If he empathized?" Lily asked, playing with and tearing the seams of her robes, only to mend them a moment later.

"He didn't think he was hurting you," Gertrude replied. "Sirius told me James had no idea about your feelings. He was a victim too."

"I didn't lie to him."

"Yes you did, Lily," Gertrude said. "You told him you didn't care. Your actions told him you hated him. You're at fault too."

"He was malicious," protested Lily.

"Not intentionally."

"He was--"

"He was in the wrong. He shouldn't have done what he did. No one doubts that, but it isn't beyond forgiveness, is it?"

And though Lily did not want to and was not exactly ready to admit it, she realized that she did think this was a forgivable action. She hated herself for being so weak.

"Now you know how he feels. You know how you feel," Gertrude said, watching Lily slide off her own desk and take a deep breath. "What are you going to do about it?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, shooting her friend a sharp look.

"Do you plan to continue crying and screaming and cursing things, or do you plan to become angry and productive?" Gertrude clarified, moving toward the door and resting a single hand on the handle.

"I don't--"

"Do you still want to be with him?" Gertrude asked. And Lily was momentarily stunned. Did she? Did she want him? Could she?

"Yes," Lily whispered, "I still want to be with him. That's why this hurt so much."

Oh that was shameful to admit, shameful to say aloud and hear aloud. Her self-hatred doubled. It was even worse to realize that despite everything, James's actions flattered her. How was it possible to like someone so much that she could forgive even something like this, even something this horrible and invasive and blatantly disrespectful?

"Are you sure?" Gertrude asked.

"Yes," Lily replied in a louder voice, "but that doesn't mean I'll let him back into my life."

"Good," Gertrude said, pulling open the door and inclining her head to show that she approved Lily's conclusions. "Make him prove that he deserves to be beside you."

"What?"

"Make him prove it. Challenge him. Show him that you won't be cowed, that you won't cower."

"I kind of want to cower," Lily said, only half joking.

"No you don't," Gertrude said with such confidence that Lily almost believed her before realizing that they were talking about how Lily felt. Surely she knew how she felt more than Gertrude did.

"I do," Lily claimed, momentarily confused.

"Lily, look at me." She did. That was a mistake. "Do not let yourself hide from this."

"I'd be a bit thick if I didn't, wouldn't I?" Lily joked.

"No," Gertrude said. "Make him deserve it. Stop crying and stopping blowing things up and start using that anger. Make him deserve you."

And Lily heard her friend's words, heard the instruction and truth in them, and nodded. Yes. Yes. He didn't deserve her tears. She didn't deserve her tears. Instead, she would take this and use this.

That night Lily returned to her dorm alone, having found and excused three other people who were out of bounds, but she did not answer Sam or Tracy's worried questions. They would be dealt with later. Always later. And in the course of the one-sided conversation, Lily quickly learned that they had known how James felt about her. And they'd known how Lily felt and they hadn't said anything.

They'd known that Lily thought Tracy and James were dating and they had said nothing. They had been planning, with Sirius, for Lily and James to get together. And they were sorry.

Sorry.

Of course.

But she said she understood, that she was hurt, that they would talk about this later, and went to bed. Christine slept through the entire conversation.

~*~*~

The next day found no traces of the crying, devastated, and shocked Lily Evans of the night before. Instead, Lily looked angry and confident. She looked scary, to tell the truth. But neither Remus nor James had made an appearance yet that day, and that just made her more angry.

"Where's James?" Lily asked, walking up to Sirius at lunch, briefly relieved that Remus still hadn't shown up.

"He's still in the dorm," Peter answered.

"Oh, you better tell him that if he doesn't get his arse down here in time for Transfiguration, I'm going to take fifty points from Gryffindor," Lily told Sirius.

"What? Why?" Sirius asked.

"Because he has no right to hide. No right. If anyone should be hiding it's me," Lily answered.

"But you aren't," Sirius observed.

"No," Lily said, steel in her voice, "I'm not hiding anymore."


Author notes: Thank everyone. I'm leaving on a jetplane soon and don't have time to write a thanks to everyone, but I will write some in my livejournal when I have the chance (www.livejournal.com/~AnotherDreamer5). Also, I've been nominated for an award for this story. Yay! So go to my livejournal, check out the link to the award, and read the other nominees. They're all amazing stories (most are ones that I am obsessed with and adore, so you might have guessed that I don't think this story really belongs up there with the greats, but I am super happy that it might be!). Thanks for all reviewers. That's why I'm updating so fast!