A Time Before Tears

CHAPTER 14

One More Time, With Passion

"Harry!" a voice called. Walking beside Harry, Hermione froze. She recognized that voice, even with its subtle changes. She didn't think she'd ever forget it.

Professor Lupin (Hermione couldn't bring herself to think of him as the same man she'd known only weeks before) was speed walking to catch up with Harry and her on their way to Transfiguration. Harry and he had a brief conversation that Hermione didn't bother listening to. She didn't ask why he was there. She didn't ask him anything. She just studied him.

It was the first time she'd seen any of the kids she knew as adults. Excluding, of course, Professor Snape. Professor Lupin looked just as she remembered him from her Third Year- completely different than the man he should have become.

The aging potion he had taken just a short while ago had shown Hermione who Remus Lupin was supposed to become. He was supposed to be handsome. He was supposed to have fewer wrinkles. He was supposed to be surrounded by his fellow Marauders. He wasn't.

The conversation between Harry and he ended shortly and Hermione tried her best to act normal. She didn't want Professor Lupin to know she'd gone back, not yet. She was only just coming to terms with the deaths of people he'd probably forgotten long before. She didn't want to bring him down into her depression.

"Hello Hermione," he smiled and waved at her. He isn't Remus. He isn't Remus. I don't love him. He isn't Remus.

"Hello." She looked down at her hands, nervously picking at her fingernails.

"Well, we don't want to be late for McGonagall now do we?" Harry asked as he began to walk towards the class. "I'll see you later Professor."

"I want to speak with Hermione a moment. You don't mind do you?" Harry shook his head, looked at Hermione who nodded, and ran off to class.

Silence enveloped the pair and Hermione was forced to think back to the many nights she and Remus sat in a comfortable silence next to each other doing homework or thinking or planning or just being together.

It was ironic, really, that while she had been there she'd only thought about now, and now that she was back where she belonged she couldn't help but long for then.

But in the end, hadn't she almost completely gotten over her homesickness back then? Maybe she would this time too.

"When did you get back?" the former professor asked gently. She was shocked and somewhat bothered that he had messed up her plans, but those feelings were quickly covered up by something much stronger, something a lot like relief.

When she looked up, Hermione expected to see hurt on his face. Remus would have looked hurt and so she could only assume an older version of him would look the same way. That was why when she looked up and saw a face lined with tranquility she was so bothered. She was bothered more because he hadn't looked like she thought he was than by the fact that he wasn't bothered. Did that make any sense? She didn't know. She didn't care. Remus wasn't there. The man standing in front of her wasn't Remus. This man was a complete stranger- a familiar looking stranger but definitely not her Remus.

"How did you know?" she asked, her curiosity squashing the other emotions running around inside her. He pointed to her left hand.

"The scar." Another pause fell over them as she silently ran her fingers of the scar on her hand. Finally he spoke. "You came back."

"Yes," she replied, not knowing what else to say.

"I didn't think you would leave." This comment shocked her into the looking straight at him. If she hadn't been so tired and emotionally spent she might have thought to be angry. It wasn't like she had meant to leave behind her friends. She had planned on staying. She was going to stay for Remus and Lily and the lives on the people she could save. She was going to stay because she had loved Remus. She still loved Remus.

If Hermione had been the type of person who blamed people, she might have thought to blame Lily or Valerie or maybe even Dumbledore for what had happened. Lily was the one who magically pushed her back and made her hit her head. And Valerie brought her up to the infirmary. It was Dumbledore who put her in the wrong bed. But Hermione didn't place the blame on anyone's head. She was too tired to do anything like that. She still didn't even understand why or how she happened to have come back.

At that moment all Hermione really wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry because she knew what was coming. He was going to talk about the past and Hermione couldn't handle that yet. No one had yet dared to bring up where she had gone and she was sure she wasn't ready to talk about what had happened. She wanted to yell that she didn't want to talk about Lily. She wanted to shriek that she didn't want to remember anything about that long away time because it still hurt too much. She especially didn't want to talk about leaving it.

"I didn't have a choice."

"Lily and James understood, though they would never tell me why. They said you were forced to leave. Is that true?" He isn't Remus. He is Professor Lupin.

"I wouldn't have left on my own," whispered Hermione. His eyes suddenly hardened and he would have said something then probably. He would have said something that would have hurt if she'd given him the chance. So she cut him off. "I don't know what to call you."

"Why is that?"

"Because I loved Remus and you're not him. I can't pretend you are." He flinched at her words and took a step backward, away from her.

"Call me Moony," he said softly, as if to an old friend.

Hermione understood, perhaps better than anyone, what it meant for him to allow that. It meant he put he in the league with people he trusted completely, in a group with his three best friends that she hadn't saved. She'd left before she adequately taken care of everything. She should have tried harder. She should have listened to McDermott's warning. The Divination professor had asked her if she could live with not doing anything and the answer was quickly changing to 'no'.

"I don't deserve to call you that. I betrayed everyone that was allowed to call you that." He didn't say anything, but his eyes softened a degree and she could tell that he wanted to comfort her, wanted to reach out and hug her, but wasn't sure of their new boundaries. In truth, she wasn't sure of their new boundaries either. They stared at each other for a while before he began again.

"Lily and I talked about a week after Harry was born." Hermione listened even though she thought she already knew what he was going to say. She thought he would say something about Lily being her friend until the last moment or something. She was proved wrong as her lack of familiarity with this man surfaced. "Lily was standing over Harry's crib- guarding you might say. She was crying which was hard for me because I'd never seen her cry. James wasn't there so I couldn't differ the problem to him.

Lily Evans Potter was standing over the crib that was Harry's little bed, completely oblivious to the world around her. All that mattered at that moment was Harry and James. The latter wasn't anywhere near her so she focused everything she had on Harry. She was memorizing his face when she heard footsteps enter the room. She didn't even look up.

She was thinking about the life Harry was going to lead and acknowledging that she wouldn't be a part of it. She realized that this little person, whom she already loved more than herself, was not going to know her face. She wanted to know his.

Even if Harry lived past his second Halloween, what kind of life could Lily offer him? One with Voldemort being unstoppable and fear ruling everyone's lives? She couldn't accept that. She couldn't accept the idea of keeping this little person from the things he wanted. She wouldn't accept that. He would live in a happy world and meet Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger and have a great life.

Tears fell down her cheeks as Lily was confronted with the knowledge that the life Hermione had told her about was the life she would lead. She realized in this moment of perfect tranquility that she wouldn't mind dying for this little person. She wouldn't mind trading her own life for his.

She understood that if she lived her life, the remaining months of it, knowing what was going to happen it would be pointless. She would live in constant fear, knowing what was going to happen. She would hold herself, James, and Harry back in the process. It would ruin her remaining years.

If history ever cared to note it, this was the moment the world was saved from the Dark Arts. This was the moment love conquered fear. It was the moment Lily Evans Potter chose the life of a child over her own future and defeated Voldemort.

When she looked up, it was to find Sirius standing in front of her looking worried. The Marauders were having a dinner at their house. He looked concerned and she felt horrible. He didn't need to worry about anything else. She didn't need to give him more memories to plague him in Azkaban- because, yes, she knew that was where he would be going now. The future Hermione had promise- the future that had no Dark Lord in it- was worth the price of it. It was worth her own life if it meant saving her son, and in the process destroying Voldemort.

"Could you get Remus for me?" she asked. Sirius nodded and headed out the door, only for Remus to reappear almost immediately. He walked tentatively into the room as though unsure how to handle sadness. She motioned him to come closer with a sad smile.

"Hermione loved you up until the very moment she left," she said quietly, still staring at Harry.

"That was years ago." The pain in his voice caused her pause, but Harry shifted in the crib and her resolve strengthened.

"I've decided something," she began slowly. "And I need you to know that I'm sorry for everything that'll happen because of it. You're one of the greatest people that I've ever known- definitely the strongest. You can get through all of this.

"Tell Peter I forgive him, just as you ought to forgive Sirius even though he gets angry sometimes. And, if it's necessary, forgive Noelle as well, even though she gets crazy occasionally. I already have, and please, if you can, find room to forgive me too. I'm about to do something more horrible than they ever will."

Remus looked carefully at Hermione as he began to tell the rest of the story, to gage her reaction.

"Then she took out her wand and erased her memory. I realize now that you must've told her everything that happened. She chose to forget it all. I've no idea why."

"You can't just pick and choose at which memories to erase. Not something that big. Not on yourself," Hermione protested, her mind trying to find a reason to match Lily's thinking and finding none.

"She was an expert at Charms. I never once saw her perform one and make a mistake." Hermione looked defeated. Her face was covered in regret even as he took a step forward and began to speak again.

"I had thought she'd forgiven Peter for saying that she shouldn't be messing with the Malfoys. She was working so hard against them..." he trailed off as though he hadn't thought about it in years and Hermione figured he might not have. When he came back from his daze he looked Hermione straight in the eye and continued. "I don't know what you told her but she began a campaign against the Dark Arts that nearly crippled their networks and they were angry. I think that's why Voldemort came after them himself. She seemed to have known exactly what the Death Eaters were going to do." There was a question in his voice that Hermione decided to answer.

"After hearing about where I came from, she asked me for a list of Death Eaters. I wrote down every name of every person I knew in Azkaban. I wrote about every attack and every casualty."

"You always were a great student. I reckon you knew about almost all the attacks."

"Why wouldn't she-" Hermione could even voice her own sadness. Lily had just thrown it all away. All that knowledge- for nothing! Nothing had changed.

"She had begun distancing herself from us Marauders the moment you left (not that we were that close or anything), but I didn't fight to stay her friend. I was getting over my first love. Plus, we thought it had more to do with Jessica's death than your departure. They were really good friends. It would make sense that she would grieve. But Lily did more than that. She went back to hanging around more with Severus and sometimes Peter and only now do I know why. She was trying to help them."

"I wanted to help them." She had said it more to herself than to him but he reacted just the same. It was as if a steady wall had been breached with those words and suddenly everything came pouring out.

"Then why didn't you?"

"I didn't choose to go. You told me June Eighteenth and I'd decided to stay but then Dumbledore and Valerie put me on the bed and I woke up and I was here!" She yelled. "You told me June 18^th and I left in March! You were wrong and I didn't mean to leave. I didn't want to. I loved Remus! I still love him! I wanted to stay with him forever!"

Professor Lupin's face broke then and Hermione could see his heart shattering. She hadn't meant to do that. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to hurt anyone. Spinning around, Hermione raced back up to the castle. Once there she continued to run and run until finally she collapsed and the memories she'd been running from caught up with her and the tears came once more to her face.

~*~*~

The morning after her conversation with Remus, Hermione sat at breakfast squashed between Harry and Ron. Ron had just made a crack about something or other and when Harry didn't say anything, Hermione turned to look at him. Ron reacted in quite the same way, quieting down and glancing nervously over at his famous friend.

Harry's eyes were focused on an owl that had just landed in front of a Second Year next to him. It had the regal appearance of a Ministry owl and reminded Hermione of the owl Lily had received the day Snape's sister died. This owl didn't leave until after the Second Year opened his letter. Hermione had turned away, knowing what was coming would be tears, and saw that an owl had left a note in front of herself. She pushed away the painful memory of Lily, pulling into herself, avoiding human contact. Lily pushing away her friends, pushing away even James.

Hermione reached down, opened the letter, and read it.

Meet me in the Owlery at one in the morning. We'll talk about the Kissing Game.

That was all the note had said. Ron, still concentrating on Harry, did not bother to notice the note. She quickly slipped it into the inside of her robes because she didn't want to have to explain it to him.

Hermione wouldn't have gone to the Owlery if it hadn't been for the clue at the end and even then that seemed more off putting than inviting. Two of the people who knew about James and Lily's game had become Death Eaters. They could have told anyone about it. If she had taken nothing else out of her time with Lily, Hermione had learned caution. The thing that had really sold her on going had been that the invitation was for inside Hogwarts. Nothing bad ever happened inside the castle. She'd be sure to tell Parvati where she was going just to be safe. She brought with her nothing but her wand.

That night, when she reached the door in front of Owlery, Hermione paused for a moment before throwing the door open and marching in. She quickly scanned the room until her eyes fell upon the vision of a woman kneeling down petting an old barn owl. The woman rose to her full height and Hermione couldn't stop herself. She ran forward and hugged her. The woman returned the hug. When they finally broke apart they turned and stared at each other, taking in the differences.

"You look the same Hermione," she said.

"You look older." Hermione responded, but didn't mention that the change was a good one. Standing in front of her was a woman near thirty and not an inch taller than Hermione remembered. "I never thought I'd see you again Val."

"I've been waiting years to see you again."

"How'd you know I came back? Did Pro- Did Moony owl you about it?"

"Severus actually." A shaft of moonlight fell onto the older woman's face and for a moment Hermione thought she saw something there- jealousy, anger, maybe even fear. Or maybe Hermione just saw a combination of all three; Hermione took a step back and realized she really and truly didn't know the woman in front of her. "There's a lot I have to tell you and not an unlimited time in which to tell you."

"Where were you? What became of you?" Hermione pressed first, taking one more step backwards and wondering why she hadn't planned an escape route. Why hadn't she been careful? Maybe, Hermione thought, it was because she back in her own time and not as cautious. Maybe it was also partially because she did not want to fear the people who had been so good and kind just a few weeks before.

"Hermione. Listen to me. I am not Lily I don't have her patience for questions-"

"But you're Harry's godmother aren't you? And you've never met-"

"Hermione!" Valerie exploded and while Hermione knew she should have been scared of Valerie acting in such a violent manner, instead it made her feel suddenly much more comfortable. It was something Hermione remembered; screaming was something Hermione remembered Valerie doing. "When Professor McGonagall's protection spell and Mackinson Goyle's banishing spell hit you, they combined to push you threw time into a place that was safer than where you were. Remus found you and brought you back to Hogwarts, dressed in tattered robes of Gryffindor. I was there with you through your stay and I was there when McGonagall's protection spell ran out and brought you back here, Goyle's banishing spell causing you to land far away from Hogsmeade."

"How did you-"

"Albus explained it all to me."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"You probably did not ask him."

"Is this why you told me to come here? To tell me how I left?" Hermione asked, suddenly very self-conscious though she could not have explained why.

"No. I came to tell you that I was there the night you told Lily everything about the future. I'd been asleep with my curtains drawn. Then you started talking and I listened to the whole thing." She paused a little while to let this sink in before plowing on, "I heard you talk about the future. I heard you talk about Harry and Sirius and- and Noelle. I never told anyone what I knew but I have been working with Albus ever since."

"What are you talking about?" Hermione asked.

"I heard everything you said." Hermione was shaking her head, wanting to deny it as the possibilities flew across her mind.

"No. No because then," Hermione began getting angry. "Then you would have done something about it! Why didn't you help them?! Why didn't you go to them on the night they died? If you were there why didn't you stop Peter?"

Hermione was angry and yet she found time to register a change in Valerie. Yes she looked much like she had all those years ago, but the sixteen year-old Valerie that Hermione had first met would have been yelled back. This one looked to be ready with an answer, as though she'd thought about it for a long time. Then Hermione realized, maybe she had been.

"I was there the night you talked to Lily about the picture and I was there the night you two were too drunk to walk. You two seemed to forget that I hadn't had anything to drink that night. I walked behind the stands and listened to your conversation."

"I don't- I don't remember," Hermione said, shaking her head. She searched her mind for something, anything, that would remind her of that night. But...

"It was the night she said she made a deal, her friends or Harry." And then it all came rushing back to Hermione. It had been the day she'd almost been killed. Lily and her had been stumbling and... Yes. Lily had said that.

"I was also there the day she chose sides on that bargain. I was there when she chose Harry over us. And I understood that she loved him enough to want him to live, no matter the cost. No matter that it meant she would die. No matter that it meant James would die. I couldn't jeopardize that choice. It wasn't mine to make, just like it isn't yours to judge.

"But I didn't come to just talk about that. I came to give you this." Valerie took an envelope out of her bag and handed it to Hermione. It seemed to be very full. She also took out a worn diary, a pair of mittens, and Hermione's camera. Valerie gave all three to the younger girl. Hermione looked up, shocked, only to meet Valerie's cold eyes. "There is a picture in the envelope that will seem like a muggle photograph- it is a magical movie. Touch it once with your wand and it will start and then reset itself after you are done watching. It is only a few minutes long."

She turned to leave and Hermione could have just let her go. She could have let one of the few remnants of a lost era walk out of her life forever, but her heart wouldn't let her give up that easily.

"Wait!" Hermione ran forward and, with the camera, mittens, diary, and envelope still clutched in her hands, she hugged the woman tightly. "Don't leave."

Valerie didn't move.

"Hermione, it has been two decades. You don't know me."

"But I trust you."

"Then you're foolish as well as stupid. Harry's going to need you badly in the future and if you simply give your trust to all old friends you will be worth nothing to him." Hermione stood back a moment- shock painted all over her face. She didn't know what to do except stare at the woman who had once slept over in a Ravenclaw dorm and come back the next morning in complete disarray. "I'm not the same person as I was in my Sixth Year. Neither is Severus, Remus, or Sirius. Neither is Noelle."

"Noelle?" Hermione asked. Valerie laughed and this time something crossed her eyes that looked very much like pity.

"You have hope in your voice when you say her name. Don't."

"I can learn not to trust her," Hermione said in a confident voice. "I know not to trust Peter."

And this time Hermione definitely saw the kindness in Valerie's eyes, even if it only passed in an instant. She cupped Hermione's face with her hands. She was nearly a ten centimeters shorter than Hermione so she also had to tilt the younger girl's head to look into her eyes.

"You would choose to trust me and not him?" Valerie shook her head sadly.

"Of course I would. He betrayed Lily and James," Hermione said. For what must have been the fifth time in this short conversation she was confused. Without taking her hands off Hermione's face, Valerie spoke slowly and clearly.

"You knew the Marauders. You knew their devotion, strength, and love. Do you really believe one would simply turn to Voldemort?"

"He did," Hermione said, her strong voice echoing throughout the small room, causing a few birds to ruffle their feathers.

"You knew Peter. What was his only weakness? What was the one thing Voldemort could have done to persuade Peter to turn away from the Marauders?"

Hermione didn't know. She tried to break away from the thirty five year old but Valerie had a surprisingly strong grip. So Hermione was forced to think of what would turn Peter towards evil, but instead Hermione found herself reminiscing about the boy she had come to know just a few short weeks before.

She thought about the way he made her laugh with his quick commentary. She thought about the way he worked so perfectly with Remus, Sirius, and James, balancing their physical humor with his own quiet wit and sarcastic remarks. She thought about the first day she'd seen him, picking up the books she'd knocked to the ground. It had been so shocking, seeing the bright-eyed, blond-haired boy who would grow up and betray the trust of those he loved the most. She thought about the day of the aging potion and how he had looked like a hero from the storybooks her mum had read her when she was little. She thought about the way he was so fast to understand things and so slow to grasp the real meaning behind them. She thought about the day of the prank and how he'd lost even more faith in Dumbledore. Then later, when he'd mockingly said that Dumbledore couldn't be there for anyone, not Conrad, not Severus, and not Remus. Hermione thought about the night she'd seen him playing checkers with...

"Noelle," Hermione whispered. Her eyes, which had been out of focus as she was thinking, suddenly met Valerie's.

"Yes. Noelle: Harry's godmother. Peter would have died for her. Instead, she joined the Dark Lord and fell out of contact with the rest of us, marrying Joeseph almost immediately after leaving school. I knew what happened to her but said nothing. Lily knew too and I saw her anger and sadness but could not even move to comfort her lest I break my word to Albus. Then, and I know this only because I became a spy so much earlier than anyone could have guessed, Noelle came to Peter and asked him to help her."

Valerie laughed darkly at this point, but Hermione saw she was only moments away from breaking down. Her hands were shaking and there were splotches of color all over her face that should not have been there.

"Noelle told Peter that Voldemort forced her to his side. She said that Voldemort was going to kill her if Peter wouldn't join him as well. She said that her master would torture her. And Peter... Peter loved her as a brother would. He still felt the guilt of having not been there for Conrad. He would not not be there for her. He suggested going to James for help but then she told him that wasn't an option- it would only mean that Voldemort would kill James as well as both of them. She said the only person they might go to was Albus, knowing full well that Peter had lost his faith in him years before. So when Peter considered his options, choosing between sticking to his principals which was make Voldemort kill Noelle and James, or giving up his pride, honor, and life in the service of the most vile man in history, Peter chose to turn and save everyone but himself." Valerie finished by pushing Hermione's face roughly away.

"I didn't-" stammered Hermione, horrified by the revelations playing out in front of her mind's eye.

"Next time you feel like condemning someone get the facts straight."

Valerie then proceeded to take all of her hair in her left hand and pull it onto her left shoulder. Revealed, on the right side of her neck, was a brutal looking scar that ran from the bottom of her ear to her collarbone.

"Noelle was once my friend but she isn't the same girl that you or I once knew. Never think that she is. She's someone evil and treacherous. She's someone to be feared. Peter is someone to fear now but never think it's of his own volition. He only relies on the Dark Lord now because Noelle taught him to."

Hermione understood, without asking, where the scar had come from. She understood that Valerie wasn't lying or being cruel. She was trying to save Hermione.

"War is coming Hermione- a war that will be ten times worse than the one that I have already lived through and let me tell you, that war was like living in hell. Be ready because people you know and trust will turn on you. People you love will die. And a Potter will save us again but I have no idea if this one will live."

"What, now you can tell the future?" Hermione asked, angry because she couldn't seem to wrap her mind around everything she had been told. She didn't like not understanding things and this seemed more important to get than anything she had learned in school. Peter hadn't been the betrayer. Noelle had been evil. James and Lily were dead. Valerie was almost the same.

Hermione started crying.

"I know you feel like you have just lost a lot of friends but remember, I lost those same friends only I didn't have Ron and Harry to return to. I have had no one for a long time." She once again moved to the door. Hermione looked at the envelope in her right hand and the camera, mittens, and diary in her left. Then, to even her own surprise she asked a question aloud.

"What changed so much after I left?" Hermione slowly looked up and through her tears saw that the other woman had stopped at the doorway, her left hand grasping the frame as though it were all the kept her standing. She did not turn around.

"After you left, the tears began."