A Time Before Tears

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Hermione was not a light sleeper, creaking doors made her open her eyes, and this night a person was whispering very close to her ear so she was immediately awake and alert, though she didn't show it.

"I know what I'm going to do now Hermione," the voice, which Hermione recognized as Lily's, whispered into Hermione's ear. "I'm going to save my friends. I'm going to break up with James in the morning and tell Severus that I love him. Then Voldemort won't go after James, Severus won't become a Death Eater, and I won't die. I'll be able to help Peter and Valerie." Hermione heard herself make an incoherent noise that was something between a gasp and a grunt.

"Hermione?"

"You can't break up with James," she blurted out, opening her eyes but not being able to see anything in the darkness of the room. Propping herself up on her elbows Hermione tried to focus on Lily but still was unable to do so.

"You're awake?" Lily asked.

Hermione's mind was only warming up. It was obviously the middle of the night and she'd only recently been woken up, but she had thought a little bit about this before. Hermione had made a mental list of the things the other girl might do in reaction to the news about the time traveling. Hermione was hoping Lily would help her save the future; she could help save Snape. No she couldn't, Hermione reprimanded herself. Not so long as she's tied to James...But if she broke up with James- If she went out with Snape it might work.

"You can't break up with James."

"It's what's best for everyone," was Lily's soft reply.

"But he made sure your feet were covered," was Hermione's half coherent response. "You need James and he needs you."

"James doesn't need me."

"He does. Snape doesn't."

"James fights things he knows are wrong. Severus doesn't fight unless he has to."

"And if he's with you he'll have to?"

"Yes." Lily's response was strong but Hermione could hear the doubt in her voice.

"What about Harry?"

"I've told you before -"

"I know you say you don't care about him but you still can't do this. It won't save Snape it'll only bring you down with him. You love James. James loves you. Don't give that up. Find another way."

"What if there isn't another way?"

"There has to be."

"Can you think of one?"

"I'm not you," was Hermione hesitant response.

"I can't just do nothing for Severus. He's my best friend." Hermione had fighting off the overpowering fatigue that she was feeling. She was fighting to stay awake, but this conversation was too emotionally draining. Hermione did not believe she could handle it if Lily broke up with James because of something she had told her. That would mean Harry would never be born and the world would die then. Lily couldn't do this! She couldn't give up her own happiness just for everyone else.

But that was part of the problem: Lily would give up her happiness for everyone else. That was the type of person Lily was- the type that would give up her very own life to save her child, and she was no less protective of her friends. Lily would die for any of them; she would give up the love of her life to marry a man she didn't love if it meant her friends would be safe. It made Hermione very very sad.

"James would die anyway. In my history Dumbledore as much as told Harry that You-Know-Who was after the Potters. If you left him it would only mean that he would die alone."

Lily didn't say anything and Hermione didn't really expect her to. Actually she was kind of surprised that the other girl had said as much as she already had. Lily wasn't the type of person who corrected other people if she thought she was right and they were wrong, she let them believe what they would and she kept with her own beliefs. Hermione just hoped, as she heard Lily get back into her own bed, that Lily wouldn't give up on James.

~*~*~

Walking with Remus always calmed Hermione's nerves, and after the late night conversation with Lily three nights before, that was exactly what Hermione needed. Her nerves were shot to hell after three days watching Lily and not knowing what she was planning on doing. She hadn't broken up with James, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to. That didn't mean that James wasn't growing more and more frustrated with Lily pushing herself away from him. That didn't mean the entire group was slowly cracking around the edges. The only person in Hermione's life who seemed to make any sense was Remus.

On these long walks, Remus and Hermione often found themselves talking about schoolwork but at that moment they were talking about the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw.

"I brought along a very good book."

"You didn't watch at all?" Remus was shocked and appalled all at once.

"I watched a little to see how our team plays because I've only seen them once before and we were missing a chaser."

"So what did you think about the team?"

"James looks like he belongs up there," Hermione observed as they turned right after passing a portrait of a deer munching happily on a daisy.

"Well he certainly doesn't look like he belongs on the ground with normal people." Hermione laughed a little but her laughter was interrupted when a voice rang out.

"Rule ten and a half: never insult a fellow Marauder." Hermione and Remus both spun around to try and find the person who spoke, but found no one there.

"Rule one hundred twelve: never interrupt a romantic interlude," Remus replied.

"Yes but have we ever listened to either of those rules," the voice, which Hermione now recognized as Sirius', was behind them. They spun around once more and still found no one there. Hermione suddenly understood.

"The invisibility cloak," she murmured, just loud enough for Remus to hear and be shocked. A hand tapped Hermione on her shoulder and she spun around once more, only to find Sirius and Peter standing behind her. They must have expected her to be shocked (they hadn't heard her murmur) and were a bit disappointed when all she did was look expectantly at them.

"Okay. You're officially no fun," said Peter looking sad. Hermione smiled. "New rule: never bother Remus' girlfriends. They are lame."

"You ought to have been surprised by that," Sirius said, looking shrewdly at Hermione. "James and I were right! You are a rule breaker. Newer rule: always bother Remus' girl. They are secretly very tricky."

Hermione laughed.

"Sirius, don't you remember the last rule we made?" Peter responded. "That you are no longer allowed to make rules without a three-fourths agreement?"

"Well... shit..." was Sirius' response. "Anyway we have to go Remus. Something with a certain M-A-P."

"Did you really just spell out the word map?" Peter looked dismayed and was slowly shaking his head at Sirius.

"Well you just blew the secrecy didn't you?" Sirius replied. "Had to go and say the word did you?"

"Actually Hermione." Remus turned and looked directly at her, facing his back to his friends. "I really do have to go. I'll see you later okay?" Hermione had a hard time listening the words he was saying as Sirius and Peter kept pointing back and forth between Hermione and Remus and making suggestive motions with their hands.

"I'll see you later." Before Remus could even nod his head, Sirius and Peter were dragging him in the opposite direction. Hermione stared after them with an apprehensive look on her face.

"Do you know that they have obtained nearly seven hundred and twelve rules to date?" The voice made Hermione jump. She spun around only to find Dumbledore turning the corner at that exact moment. It made her wonder if maybe he had an invisibility cloak of his own. "I am particularly fond of number two hundred fourteen, which regards my office hours."

"Headmaster. Hello," Hermione managed to squeeze out.

"Miss Evans tells me that you have some things you wish to discuss with me?" He walked right up to Hermione and she soon found herself walking beside him down the same corridor she'd been walking through with Remus, but in the opposite direction.

"When did she say that?"

"Yesterday." Hermione thought for a moment. What could Lily have meant by that? She had no idea.

"I don't think there's anything I really wanted to tell you about."

"She mentioned your old school," he hinted. Hermione thought about this for a little while. Did Lily want Hermione to tell Dumbledore everything? Did she want Dumbledore to be able to help them? Hermione wasn't sure, but she did know what she wanted to tell Dumbledore about.

"I'm going back home soon," she said, sadly thinking back to how comfortable she had been not a minute before, holding Remus' hand.

"Why?"

"Mainly because I don't have a choice."

"Everyone has a choice Miss Granger."

"I don't. Someone told me how and when I'm going home so that means I have to go."

"You're a muggle, correct?" Hermione nodded. "If your parents bought you a ticket to go to France, told you when you were leaving, would that mean you had to go? Might the decision of whether or not you wanted to go be, in and of itself, all that you needed to consider?"

While Hermione was unsure of whether or not she understood the analogy, she did not have time to consider what Dumbledore had meant by it because when she turned to look at him he wasn't there. She wondered, once again, if he had an invisibility cloak of his own.

~*~*~

"Remus," she whispered to him one night at dinner. "No matter what happens, in 1993 you need to tell me that June Eighteenth the second bed in the hospital wing is my ticket home. Okay?" He looked at her, amused beyond a doubt, smiled, nodded, then turned back to his conversation with Sirius. Hermione nodded.

Now she could believe she had a choice.

~*~*~

"The son will be powerful- more powerful than even the one whom all will fear to remember. He will know nothing of his gifts, his destiny, his unfulfilled responsibility. He will not be happy. He will be strong. He will be kind. He will be loved." The voice was strange to Hermione. It was monotone and almost too deep to listen to. It sounded twisted and contorted. It sounded painful. She ran down the hallway and entered the classroom with the door that was slightly ajar.

Lily is sitting, staring at the boy with his back to the door. Hermione walked forward to see what was the matter with the boy who was still sitting so carefully on the desk. Lily held up a single pointer finger and Hermione stopped.

"Powerful and strong and loved..." The voice faded and the boy slumped forward. Lily caught him and Hermione ran forward to help. She grabbed the boy's shoulder and saw that he was young, a first or second year at most. His big brown eyes blinked at Hermione and then focused on Lily.

"Did it work Lily?" he asked in a voice that was barely more than a whisper.

"Yes. You were fabulous."

"What's going on?" Hermione asked, her voice sounding detached from her body as she looked at the youngster. He was shaking slightly and looking up at Lily as if she were his entire world. Lily was looking kindly back at him without acknowledging Hermione's presence.

"Thank you for everything Rupert," Lily responded, still avoiding Hermione.

"Was that a prediction?" Hermione was rapidly trying to calm herself down and assert herself at the same time. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she wasn't sure what the hell was going on and she was really sick and tired of feeling that way.

"Rupert, could you excuse us really quickly?" the little boy nodded and walked out of the room, right passed Hermione, and she didn't even notice his Slytherin scarf. When he was gone Lily turned on Hermione. Magically shutting the door behind her so no one could eavesdrop as Hermione had.

"Hello Hermione."

"What are you doing here Lily?"

"Trying to find another way to help my friends."

"Lily. I heard what he said. He was talking about Harry, wasn't he?" Hermione said, trying to redirect the conversation.

"He spoke of the son of a spirit of laughter and the daughter of... It doesn't matter. I know that he was talking about James and me." Hermione wasn't sure if she was speaking to her anymore. "He said Harry would be powerful."

"That doesn't make sense. How did you just so happen to have a boy predict the future in front of you? How did he say something about you and James specifically?" Lily shook her head and made as if to leave.

"A week ago you told me I couldn't go to Severus, so instead I went to Dumbledore and Rupert and both were very helpful."

"I didn't think you would go off and find a SEER!"

"Can you think of a better plan?" Lily asked sincerely, that left Hermione with nothing to say for a little while. "I did what I had to do. I had to help my friends."

"What are you going to do now then?"

"You shouldn't ask questions that you don't want answered," Lily replied. Hermione grabbed her arm.

"I do want this answered though Lily. I want to know the truth and I want to know it now."

"Really?" Lily asked, and to Hermione it sounded as though she were both angry and seemingly... she didn't know exactly but it sounded like Lily was pleading with Hermione to want to know, to push her into telling. Hermione nodded.

"I want to know everything."

~*~*~

"Come with me." Lily turned and began walking away right then, not seeming to care if Hermione was following or now. For her part, Hermione hardly dared to hope that the redhead might open up a little about her past. Lily was so used to hiding; why would that suddenly change?

Then again, Hermione thought, a lot of things can change in a relatively short period of time. People can go from being alive to dead in an instant. People can go from friend to enemy in a moment. And people in fall in love in less than that.

Lily walked quickly and sure footed, as if she knew exactly where she was going and would stand for no trouble along the way. In the end the two girls stood up in front of a large oak door. It had to be almost as massive as the Entrance Hall doors.

"Are you ready?" Lily's voice echoed.

"For what?"

"Answers," was Lily's reply, before she moved forward. Hermione was shocked to discover the smaller girl was able to push the doors forward without so much as a creaking sound.

The room on the other side was expansive. It was large enough that Hermione thought two Great Halls could fit in it, and it was completely empty. Hermione could hear the echoing of her feet as she began to walk parallel to one of the expansive walls. Nine torches had lit upon their entrance (one in each corner, one on each of the midpoints between the three walls did not have the doors, and two right in the middle of the room). Hermione lit her wand and searched the walls, fascinated that she never knew there was a room like this in the castle. She began to push on the stone, making sure it wasn't all an illusion.

"Do you know what he told me?" Lily's voice shocked Hermione; she was so busy examining the room that she'd almost completely forgotten about the other girl who was now standing quietly near the closed door watching her.

"Who?" Hermione asked, turning but walking no closer to the redhead.

"Dumbledore told me that the other man thought I was a Slytherin to the core. There was a prediction that said there would come a time when I would want nothing, fear nothing, and love nothing. In that moment I was said to turn to the Dark Lord and align myself with him. Rupert's prediction helped assert that if that time is to come, it will be today. Now I am going to test myself."

Lily walked over to the two lit torches floating in the middle of the room. They were barely five feet apart. Hermione followed at a slight distance. Lily pulled out her wand and said an incantation that Hermione had never heard before. Then suddenly there was a mirror under one torch and a closet under the other, with a blank space in between.

"I don't suppose you know anything about the Mirror of Erised, do you?" Lily asked.

"Actually," Hermione replied, her curiosity about the object Harry and Ron told her about driving her to step even closer to the other girl. "I know a lot about it." She looked from an angle and saw that the inscription was right there, lining the top in beautiful script.

"What do you suppose I see when I stand here?" Lily asked, staring curiously at the mirror.

"I wouldn't know," Hermione cautioned. The other girl was acting strangely, very very strangely.

"I see nothing." Lily's right hand reached out and touched the glass. "I see right through it. It should at least show my reflection, right? I should at least desire to be me, shouldn't I? But I don't. I see absolutely nothing when I look into this mirror. It's like a window into an empty room."

"That can't be right," Hermione replied, thinking about what Harry had told her about the mirror. Dumbledore had told him the happiest person in the world would see themselves. What did it mean that Lily saw nothing?

"But it is right," Lily said, turning to look at Hermione. "It's exactly what he thought would happen. I desire nothing." Hermione wanted to say something more but Lily had already moved away from her spot. Now she stood in front of the door and Hermione had a shrewd suspicion she knew what was behind that door. But when Lily opened it, nothing happened. Hermione marched forward then, intending to break Lily out of this mood she was in, but a sudden crack made her stop.

Harry was leaning over a dead Ron, weeping. Ron was so bent out of shape that Hermione didn't know what to say.

Lily ran over and jumped between the scene and Hermione and quite suddenly it was gone, there was nothing again. Then Lily raised her wand and pointed it at the space in front of her and yelled, "RIDICULUS!" There was a bright flash of light followed by the sound of high winds. Then the door slammed and left a flabbergasted Hermione with a powerful looking Lily.

"What just happened?" Hermione asked. Lily turned and looked perfectly unaffected by the going-ons around her.

"I fear nothing."

"That isn't true," Hermione replied curiously very driven to counter the other girl's beliefs. "When you knew that Snape had almost been attacked by a werewolf, you feared for him."

"That was before you told me that you were from the future. Now I know he lives and so I do not fear him."

"What about when you saved me that night in Hogsmeade? You were fearful that I might die." Lily said nothing and Hermione felt a sharp pain in her heart.

"I didn't want you to die but I wasn't scared that it would happen."

While Hermione stood in silence, staring, Lily moved to stand in the space between the mirror and the now closed door. Hermione saw nothing there but Lily crouched down and seemed to be looking at something. With her heart still beating hard after her third encounter with a boggart, Hermione crouched down next to her. "I guess if you know about the mirror and the boggart you must know about the Boxmora."

"No," was all Hermione managed to squeeze out of her constricted throat.

"Do you see that box?" Lily asked, pointing with her left hand. Hermione didn't see anything at first and was about to say so when a glint of light caught something on the ground. It couldn't have been more than five centimeters by five centimeters, and it was pure black. It was so black that it almost looked blue. "It's called the box of love. You hold it in your hand for a moment, covering it with all of your fingers, and when you open your fist it will form itself into the thing you love most in the world."

"Isn't this similar to the mirror?"

"Love is not the same thing as desire. I thought you would know that Hermione. Someone could desire the world and hate it at the same time." Lily shook her head and Hermione only saw it out of her peripheral vision because she couldn't seem to pull her eyes away from the tiny object. Lily leaned forward and took it in her hand.

"Voldemort believes that a moment will come when I want nothing, fear nothing, and love nothing. He thought I would turn to him then." Lily looked down at her hand, fist still clenched tightly around the object. "He wants my power and yet I am a muggle born. It would be laughable if he weren't so evil. He kills laughter as easily as he tortures small children, but it's true that he thinks he needs me alive. Today, Rupert gave me a prophecy. And do you know what he said?"

"No," Hermione muttered and feeling a little light headed. Why was Lily Evans speaking as though she'd had long conversations with Voldemort? Why was she so calm and collected when she knew how terrifying he really was?

"He said the same thing you did, not that long ago. He said that James and I would have a very powerful son. He spoke a lot about a boy that I am guessing is your Harry." Lily laughed a little and it was a happy laugh, though she and Hermione were crouching on the ground (Hermione's legs were starting to really ache) in a huge room with little light. She was laughing even though she was talking about the most powerful dark wizard in an age, and probably longer than that. Hermione almost wanted to laugh with her at the absurdity of it all.

"Why are you laughing?"

"If I open this hand and it's empty, I think I'm bound to Voldemort." Hermione had a sudden, horrible flashback to the day when Severus had told her that Lily didn't really love James, she only thought she needed to be with him.

"I don't think that something to laugh about," Hermione said seriously.

"Then you don't get it. According to the prediction I was supposed to a Slytherin. I was to meet Severus and we were supposed to be a couple because I would never fall in love with him because no one can really love Severus. And after he took away my family I would love no one. That was the prediction."

"After who took away your family?"

"Voldemort."

"Has he?"

"Has he what?"

"Taken away your family?" For a moment Hermione saw great pain flash behind Lily's eyes. It was the pain she saw in Harry's eyes each time he looked at Cho Chang. It was the pain in Sirius' eyes on that night in the Shrieking shack. It was the same constant pain that lurked in Professor Moony.

"Yes," was Lily's quiet response.

"He killed them?" Hermione's shock was overwhelming. Then Petunia was dead!

"No. He merely made them hate me." Tears were threatening to fall from Lily's eyes but she seemed to try to blink them back. "Now they all have different horrible memories of my youth. Petunia thinks our parents ridiculously favored me over her. Dad thinks I got pregnant. Mum thinks I hit Petunia, and none of them talk to each other about any of it."

"Since when?"

"Two days ago," Lily's anguish was quiet apparent now, but Hermione couldn't help but focus on the box in her hand, still tightly clutched.

"Why would he do that?"

"He's evil. He thought it would make me turn to him. But he obviously didn't pay very careful attention to the prediction. It had a very clear set of lines in which I had to live. I didn't have to be a Slytherin, but I was hoped to be one. I didn't have to be friends with Severus I just had to hate Gryffindors. Peter messed up that plan." Now Lily smiled once more. "I met Peter on that first train ride to school, after I met Severus, and he convinced me that Gryffindor was the greatest house. I told the hat to put me there even though it seemed convinced I was supposed to be in Slytherin. It told me Slytherin was my house and then I told it not to say that. I wanted Gryffindor. So he put me in the Gryffindor and I have always felt like an outsider. I thought I was supposed to be a Slytherin and that I was just trying to fool everyone."

"What are you talking about? Have ever met You-Know-Who? Has he told you all of this?

"No." Lily shuddered but still held her fist tightly. "Dumbledore told me some things yesterday and I'm just thinking aloud now."

"Then why aren't you scared?"

"Because Rupert told me James and I would have a powerful son." Lily leaned her head back and laughed again. "Voldemort never considered James Potter would be a part of my life. He and Severus would be enemies and I would be friends with Severus... I would be in the wrong house..."

"What?"

"Voldemort never thought about James." Lily lifted her right hand and turned towards Hermione. Then she extended her arm so that it was right between them, and slowly she undid her fingers. The box was still there, perfectly made and dark as it had been when Lily grabbed it.

Hermione's heart sunk. That meant Lily didn't love James. That meant Hermione had changed the past. Now Lily was bound to Voldemort and James would die and Harry wouldn't be born and Hermione would probably be killed for being born of muggle heritage and...

Sometimes it's more of a hindrance than anything else to have a fast mind. Hermione thought all of those thoughts in less than a moment. Her heart sunk and she felt a sharp pang of guilt and the next moment the box began to change. It stretched and squashed and colored and paled and darkened and, in the end, turned itself into a miniature replica of James.

Not knowing what she was doing until she was actually doing it, Hermione found herself leaping through the air at Lily and enveloping the redhead in a crushing hug. The force of it knocked them both to the ground. The sound echoed around them in the giant room and Hermione couldn't care less. She wasn't exactly sure what of this meant yet but she did know that the suspense was killing her. That couldn't have taken any more time than it did and Hermione still was clueless. All she had managed to discern was that Lily had just fooled Voldemort. You-know-who had some sort of plan and Lily had foiled it.

"Dumbledore said that Voldemort ought to stay out of my life for a long while now," Lily muttered into Hermione shoulder.

"That's great." The two girls stood up and hugged once more, neither knowing exactly what the other was thinking but still grateful that they were there.

"Now that you have helped me. I'll help you." Lily, Hermione saw, looked as happy as she had ever seen her.

"What are you talking about? I didn't help you at all," Hermione replied, stepping out of the hug.

"Who are you kidding? If you hadn't been there on that Halloween night I would have been caught and sent to detention forever. If you hadn't told me about Remus being a werewolf and what everyone went through to hide it before the night James and I had a fight I probably would have hated him for lying to me. I know I would have broken up with him at the very least, and if that had happened maybe that box wouldn't have proven that I love something."

For a long while, Hermione stood staring at Lily, not knowing what to say but feeling (for some reason) inexplicably grateful.

"Come here then." Lily extended a hand to Hermione. "Close your eyes." The other girl complied as Lily seemed to position her.

"What are you doing?"

"I know you've been struggling with something for a while now and I am going to help you figure it out. You can open your eyes now." Hermione did and saw that now she was standing in front of the Mirror of Erised.

"No thank you," said Hermione as she tried to turn away from the mirror. Lily held fast to her shoulders and made her look into the reflection.

"What do you see?" Unwillingly, Hermione turned her eyes to the mirror.

"I see you, James, Remus, Peter, Noelle, Valerie, and Sirius but you aren't you guys. You're older."

"Where are we?"

"In the stands. You're watching a Quidditch match. It's the first Quidditch match of the season here at Hogwarts. You are all cheering, the seeker caught the snitch, he's flying down now and... it's Harry. He's eleven and you're all crowding around him, jumping up and down."

Lily turned Hermione's face so that they were looking at each other. She nodded once and moved Hermione forward to grab the box but now Hermione didn't want to move away from the mirror. She had wanted to do that before but Lily had stopped her and now that she wanted to stay Lily was saying she needed to go. It wasn't fair. She wanted to see them all alive again.

"Hermione don't look at the mirror again. It isn't real. See that box there?" Lily pointed to the boxmora. "I need you to pick it up for me. Alright?" Hermione craned her neck over her shoulder to see the mirror again but saw that it was blank now, as though you could only see the image from the spot directly in front of the mirror. She tried to go back. "Take the box!"

"Okay," Hermione said, stunned by the loudness of Lily's voice. She leaned forward to the ground and took the box in her fist. She was about to open it a moment later when Lily stopped her.

"Wait one second. I want to know who your family is, Familias." Her wand shot bright green sparks into Hermione's hand. "Now open it."

With her hand palm open, the box was left exposed as still a box. But this time Hermione knew that she was supposed to wait. It began with a little molding and spinning and twisting and ended with Harry and Ron standing side by side.

"Ron is the person you most fear losing, Harry is the person you most desire to be happy, and they are your family."

"What about my parents? What about you and Remus?" Hermione asked, choking back tears.

"You lived with Harry and Ron for five years. You have been through hell and back with them and while your parents are always your parents, they are also an obligated love while friends are a voluntary one. Remus and I are not yet your family. Maybe one day we will be, but not now." Lily paused for a moment then took the two figures out of Hermione's hands. The instant the second hand touched them they turned back into the box. "I hope that helps you with whatever you're struggling with."

"I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to go back."

"Just one more thing." Lily reached out and took Hermione's left hand. She put the boxmora in it and closed Hermione's fingers around it. Then Lily turned and left. She left Hermione standing in the middle of a huge dark room with only a mirror and a door visible behind her, clutching her left hand in a fist and unwilling to open her fingers.

At first she stared at the huge entrance doors, hoping they would open again and find Lily standing there, waiting to help her. When they didn't open after a minute Hermione turned her attention to her hand. She had no idea why she was so terrified but chose almost immediately to face her fears. She opened her hand to find the box looked exactly as it had when Lily put it there. She waited. It started to change shapes, morph, and form into the likeness of a boy.

Hermione stood staring at it for a long while.