A Time Before Tears

CHAPTER EIGHT

Winter was passing slowly, very slowly. It was the coldest year that Hermione could remember having at Hogwarts. Every part of her body hurt when she woke up in the morning and tried to move. She constantly wore two pairs of socks, and kept promising herself that she would learn a toe warming charm.

Christmas had brought with it Christmas gifts. The Marauders, apparently, didn't exchange gifts. Remus had written to Hermione about it in his most recent letter: In First Year we made a pact not to buy each other gifts. It was made into an official rule in Third Year and still holds true today. (If you want to know the truth, Sirius said, "I'm not getting you lot anything for Christmas," and the rest of us agreed.) That made Hermione laugh.

The pile at the base of her bed was small, but she still found herself immensely moved by the four small packages. The first was from Lily. It was a diary with a picture of a stack of books on the cover and inscribed: To Hermione (who never stops thinking), From Lily (who never feels honored to know her). Hermione carefully put the gift on her bed stand, folded up the bag it came in and laid that next to it as well.

Noelle gave her a bag of candy that would have crushed a smaller human being. The card said: You need to gain some weight. I thought this would help. - Noelle. PS. save some for me!

Valerie got her a beautifully embroidered white purse. It hung to the middle of Hermione's waist and glittered as it moved. Hermione wasn't sure if it was Muggle or not but thought it was absolutely gorgeous. There was no card.

Remus got her mittens and wrote an awkward card in messy handwriting that seemed to say something about getting cold hands.

Hermione took each of these gifts with equal care and put them on her bed. She stared at each and wanted to cry; her friends had given her Christmas gifts. Her friends. They thought of her while shopping. It truly touched her, and then it made her feel horrible.

She was unable to buy them anything in return. She had no money and was only now trying to think of things she could do to earn money. She added "ask about jobs" to her list of things to talk to Dumbledore about. That list also included asking about lodgings for the summer.

"What did you get?" Lily asked as she came into the room. Hermione hadn't even known she'd been gone. Hermione told her about all the gifts and thanked her for the diary. Lily shrugged and then looked over the gifts.

"Remus got you mittens?" she asked, rolling her eyes and shifting the lollypop in her mouth to the right side. "At least they aren't five sizes too big. James got me a skirt that was huge last year. I had to explain the art of buying for girls to him." That meant James hadn't bought anything for Lily until last year. That meant he hadn't bought a gift for any girl until last year. What had changed?

"Now Peter, he's a great shopper," Lily continued. "You ought to see the things he gets for Noelle every year. Before she left she showed me this whole bag of things he'd got for her over the years, and it was all beautiful." Hermione listened only halfway. Mainly her thoughts were on the gifts before her - that and the fact that Lily had compared herself and James to Hermione and Remus.

~*~*~

Dear Remus,

Thank you so much for the mittens. I'm sorry I didn't get a gift for you but I couldn't seem to find anything appropriate. You're a good friend to me and I'm glad to have met you, but I couldn't find a gift to show that. Instead I chose to write this letter and thank you with words because you make me laugh and smile. I hope this letter does the same for you.

Love from,

Hermione

~*~*~

As the Christmas season came to a close and the New Year came and went, Hermione settled into a routine. She would write in the journal for a while (about Lily, Remus, James, Harry and Ron). She would write about the things she'd seen (the potion, the first encounters, the boggart that no one else saw, the prank, the dancing). Then she would spend a while reading or doing holiday work, usually followed by writing a letter to Remus and then eating with Lily. It worked well for Hermione and the organisation of it all made her feel secure and more at home here.

When the other students came back, Hermione changed her routine only slightly, finding herself eating lunch with Remus, Noelle or Valerie. Occasionally she was pulled out into the fresh air, and she enjoyed it as long as she had done her work. That was how January slipped by, and Hermione landed in February - with friends. She was getting used to her new life, her new role. She was starting to believe she knew everything that was about to happen in her life. She trusted in the certainty of time. However, dangerous and astonishing things can happen when people become too relaxed.

She'd made lists of problems and possible solutions, she'd made charts, she'd begun making pins for S.P.E.W. Hermione Granger was ready to live out the rest of her life with these people who were so quickly becoming her family. Yes, she still missed her parents a great deal. Yes, she still regretted leaving Harry and Ron - especially Ron, for she was sure something must have happened... but now she had Lily, Valerie and Noelle. Now she had Remus. And most importantly, she had the chance to save them all.

She'd resigned herself to this way of thinking, and that was why the second week of February shocked her so much.

As was becoming habit, it seemed, Hermione had stumbled into a conversation that she had no business hearing. She had just finished Care of Magical Creatures and was walking back to the castle with Peter, getting ready for dinner.

"You know, I think Care of Magical Creatures is the only time you act stupidly."

"Hey!" Hermione said, indignant. "That's only because Kettleburn likes only the most untamable creatures in the world." Peter laughed.

"But you survived the obstacle course. I heard you were supposed to have even survived a Boggart," he replied lightly. Hermione's foot caught on the ground as she thought back to the day of the demonstration and the image of Ron and Harry that accompanied that thought, then Lily and James holding baby Harry.

"What do you mean I was supposed to have survived?"

"Well I didn't actually see you, did I?"

"You didn't?"

"No. Kettleburn said a Boggart was next and then the shield started malfunctioning. We couldn't see through it at all. James got really worried and tried to get into it but Dumbledore stopped him. Though Dumbledore did look odd, now that I think about it. He stared at that thing like he could see what none of us could." Peter shrugged a little, but there was something lacing his words that worried Hermione.

"He's very powerful Peter. Maybe he could see through it and he was trying to see if I needed help."

"Why?" Peter laughed. "So he could be there for you?" His harsh words startled Hermione and made her pause.

"Yes," she said simply. Peter then stopped too, almost a metre away from her.

"Like he was for Snape and Remus and Conrad?" Peter said, counting off each name on his fingers. Hermione didn't know how to reply to that. She had known that Peter had gone to Dumbledore on the day of the prank and was hurt that he hadn't helped Snape, but she had never guessed that he had distrusted the Headmaster since well before that; around Second Year, if Hermione remembered Noelle's story correctly. She looked at Peter and was scared to see that his eyes were hollow.

"He couldn't have known about Conner. No one did." Peter's eyes suddenly focused sharply on Hermione. They regarded her for less than a moment before seeming to come to a decision.

"Noelle told you." Hermione nodded and Peter nodded back at her; then he turned and left her standing there. His pace was slow, and Hermione was sure he would have let her rejoin him in walking, but instead she chose to stay in the hallway and wonder about the man that Peter became in her own time.

He was mean, manipulative, and calculating. He was willing to spend twelve years as a rat to save himself from being hurt. Why was he so scared? Why was he distrusting? Why was he so willing to throw away his friends? Hermione searched through the memories of her own time with him and found no reason for the drastic change. He was a good friend to the Marauders and he seemed to respect Lily. At least, he didn't seem willing to hurt her. Hermione leaned against a wall and slowly slid down it, finding herself enveloped in the shadows, and she stayed like that for a long time, thinking.

Minutes passed by - how many Hermione could not later say - but what brought her out of her own thoughts were footsteps coming down the hall, and a heated debate that seemed to be going on between two people. Hermione crouched further into her shadow and tried not to be seen, hoping they would just pass by.

At first the voices were undecipherable. Hermione couldn't make out the actual words, but the tones made it clear both parties were angry. As the two people got closer and closer, Hermione found herself able to hear what they were saying.

"That game was just a show!" It was a young boy that Hermione didn't recognise. Next to him was a girl; both looked no older than thirteen.

"No it wasn't. Potter really is that good. No one could fake that!" They kept up with their Quidditch commentary until they were well away from Hermione. She was glad to see that neither seemed to have noticed her. That might have been embarrassing. She was about to get up when another set of voices stopped her, this time they were coming from the same direction that Hermione had come from.

"She won't get hurt," a male voice said adamantly.

"Can you promise me that?" another male voice replied.

"Yes, you stupid bastard. I would never let anything happen to her."

"You conceited blubbering arsehole, you think you know -"

"Nothing will happen to her. I would die before that. Now get the fuck away from me." Hermione curled up even more as she heard one set of footsteps heading in her direction and then pass her by. She stood up then, sure the coast was clear, only to find Severus Snape standing less than a meter away from her. In the shadows of the corridor he looked very, very menacing, and Hermione jumped, shocked by his close proximity.

"Stupid Mudblood, listening in on conversations she shouldn't." His voice was like a knife cutting into her side, and Hermione started to move away, but he matched every step she took. Then he drew out his wand and Hermione fought the urge to turn and run from him. "Obliviate."

~*~*~

Hermione woke up in the spot where she had stopped during her conversation with Peter. Figuring she must have dozed off during her sit-down, she got up and went quickly back to her room, not having seen the looming figure watching her.

~*~*~

The next day Hermione was eating breakfast with Noelle when the Headmaster came over. The girls had been talking about a History of Magic exam that was coming up, and debating whether Gringott the Rich had lived to two hundred and four or two hundred and six.

"Miss Granger?"

"Yes Professor?" Hermione addressed him, turning to be more polite. She'd become accustomed to this new Headmaster - this man who looked so young and spoke to her as to an equal.

"I would just like to inform you that your things have been put in your dorm." He smiled and was about to leave when Hermione voiced her bewilderment.

"What things, Professor?"

"Madame Pomfrey only recently realised that the set of robes in her office belonged to you. She sent a house-elf with them to your dorm." He waited to see if she had another question, but she didn't. She had only confusion.

"But it's been months," Hermione intoned, and she was sure the Headmaster responded but she couldn't hear him. A feeling washed over her that took away her hearing and her coherent thoughts. It was as though a wave had crashed over her head, and things were happening rapidly in her brain that she couldn't seem to control. She was back in a wind tunnel she'd visited when she first arrived in the 1970s.

Two things were running through her mind: the first was something she did not really understand. It was a memory that was trying to get to the surface. It was like she had walked into a room to find something and forgotten what she was looking for. Her eyes unfocused and she searched her mind for what it was but couldn't find it. It didn't matter anyway, the other thing running through her mind was much more important.

The second thing was a list of things that her robes meant. They had the Hogwarts crest on them. They signified her as a Gryffindor. They told everyone that saw them that she was previously a student here. And the map was in it! The Marauder's Map! If anyone saw it they'd think she'd stolen it! She jumped out of her seat in an instant, knocking into the Headmaster. He looked concerned and curious.

Hermione's eyes focused only briefly as she scanned the table for the other girls that would have access to the dorm, and consequently, her robes. They weren't at the table. They could be in the dorm. They could be there when the house-elf arrived. They could see the Gryffindor robes. They could see the map! No one could find that map. Too many questions... What would they think? What conclusions would they come to?

"Noelle, where are Lily and Valerie?" Hermione cried.

"Still in the dorm, I think. Are you okay?"

Hermione didn't bother answering, and didn't care about appearances as she tore out of the Great Hall. She went through every shortcut she knew and shouted the password from down the hall so that the portrait had swung all the way open by the time she got there. She didn't even remember going up the stairs, but only realized she was in the dorm as she dove through he door and began to search with her eyes for the robes.

"I tried to convince myself that it wasn't true," a shaky voice said. Hermione froze in her search for the robes. "It was the only logical conclusion and still I didn't trust it. I thought maybe..." Hermione turned slowly. The sight that greeted her plagued her for years to come.

Lily was sitting at the foot of her bed, something gripped in her right hand, shaking. Her hair looked unruly and her eyes never met Hermione's; they were locked on the paper she gripped in her hand. Her skin was sallow and unnaturally pale. She looked too weak to do much of anything.

"Lily, I need to explain -"

"No. No, you don't. I understand now." Lily's left hand now moved to cover her own mouth. Hermione didn't dare move. She stood rooted in place as the girl shook violently.

"I didn't steal it," Hermione said, desperately trying to regain the trust that had taken her so long to earn.

"James won't understand. None of them will," Lily said as if Hermione had not spoken.

"They have to understand!"

"You'll have to leave soon," Lily barely whispered, as she continued to take deep erratic breaths. And suddenly, as if those words had been a key to something in Hermione's soul, the memory that had been nipping at her heels since Dumbledore had come up to her hit her with full force. It knocked the wind out of her as she felt like she had been transported into another world, and a memory played around her. She sat down on her bed with a thud as she watched the memory like a moving picture playing in her mind. She was holding a lot of books and trying not to cry. She didn't need friends! Friends were stupid...

Hermione was so caught up in watching and remembering that when Lily got up and walked slowly over to Hermione she didn't notice. Hermione didn't notice anything until Lily actually reached out with her shaking hands and embraced her. It forced Hermione out of her memory and into the present. Hermione put aside the memory, not forgetting it, but knowing that she needed to have all of her wits about her as she tried to talk her way out of the trouble she could see coming.

"Do I die?" Lily inquired in such a quiet voice that Hermione wondered if she'd misunderstood.

"What?" Hermione couldn't understand; she couldn't seem to focus on anything. She was finally remembering when it was that she was supposed to leave. It was soon - too soon - and she had to focus on what was happening now with Lily at the same time as that knowledge jumped up and down inside her head. But what had Lily been talking about : dying? Would James be that angry?

Lily leaned back out of the hug and looked Hermione in the eye. She stared for a long while and her face seemed to gain back a little color, but not very much.

"It's either Fred or George, and you said Fred was the one that flew well. You told me Fred was an orphan. Am I his mother? Do I die?"

"What does that have to do with the map?" Hermione asked stupidly. June 18th in the second bed of the hospital wing. June 18th, second bed. I leave June 18th.

"He's my son, isn't he?" She pulled her left hand away from Hermione's and showed her what she'd been holding. It wasn't the map at all. Suddenly Hermione's memories came rushing back to her. Suddenly she didn't care about leaving. Suddenly she didn't care about anything.

It was Colin Creevey's picture. The one he'd given her on the day she'd left - the one of Ron, Harry, Ginny, Angelina and Hermione - the one Hermione hadn't given a second thought to, but now was the one thing that horrified her more than anything else in the world. Her mind stopped working as her eyes jumped to Lily's face, and she stopped remembering to breathe.

Hermione's entire plan of action depended on the fact that no one knew anything about where she was from. This one picture could destroy any chance Hermione had of controlling the future.

Lily's green eyes looked watery, and yet they still cut through the room and straight into Hermione's soul. They shocked her into breathing and made her heart call out to comfort Lily. Hermione stood up and held the girl in her arms briefly before Lily pushed her away and shoved the picture back into her face.

"This is Fred, your best friend Fred, the one who flies so well, isn't it?" Hermione nodded as her mind searched for excuses, and Lily continued, "And he's my son too, isn't he?"

"No!" Hermione shouted a little too loudly. She needed to think of something quickly. She raked her hands through her hair and said the first thing that came to mind. "Yes, it is Fred but he isn't your son. That wouldn't make any sense. He's just a good friend of mine from -"

"Don't lie to me!" Lily held up the picture again. She once again shoved it into Hermione's view. "It's the only way for any of this to make sense. Look at him. He and James could be twins. They are twins."

"Yes." Hermione grabbed the picture out of Lily's hand. She didn't even look at it. Her eyes flew up to the ceiling as her mind worked to come up with a reason... any reason... "I noticed they looked alike. That doesn't mean anything. Lots of people look alike."

She turned to look away from Lily, not able to lie into those eyes in Lily's face any more than she could lie to those eyes when they belonged to Harry.

"Why were you brought to Hogwarts in Hogwarts robes? Why did you have a Gryffindor scarf? Why was this picture taken on Hogwarts grounds with a boy in Gryffindor Quidditch robes?" Lily paused and rubbed her eyes a little. Her voice became fierce and powerful. "You knew your way around this school before anyone showed it to you. You knew the professors before you should have. You knew Severus before you met him. You saved him from a werewolf. You were scared when you saw the Marauders with the growth serum. Professor McDermott wanted to talk with you in private. You knew the Marauders' names! The only logical answer is that you have been here before, but even that doesn't make any sense because we'd never met you. So, did we meet you in the future?"

Hermione could almost see Lily's mind at work as she listed all of her obvious mistakes - mistakes that she wasn't actually there for. James must have told her... Remus must have told her...

Lily took out her wand and pointed it at the picture Hermione was trying to hide from her. A bright orange light hit it and continued on. Hermione released the picture from her grip but it remained floating in midair, held up by the beam of orange. The picture was projected in the middle of the room, like a movie without a screen. It reminded Hermione of her conversation with Professor McDermott all those months ago, and that scared her.

As Hermione turned and looked at the picture, her homesickness, which hadn't bothered her in a long while, came back with so much force that she began to cry. She saw a life-sized, smiling Harry waving with the snitch in his hand. Ron's smile was so big Hermione thought his face might crack. He truly loved Quidditch.

Ron had one arm slung around Hermione's shoulder and the other one was around Harry's shoulders. Ginny was next to Hermione and laughing at something or other. Angelina grabbed her broom and flew off during all the commotion. In the background was the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch and hundreds of Gryffindors jumping up and down.

Without realising what she was doing, Hermione stepped forward and tried to touch Ron's face. Her hand went straight through, and he continued to smile.

"Hermione," Lily began quietly. "I know there are rules about time travel. Knowing you, you've tried to obey them all, but right now, I need you to tell me what the hell this means." She stepped past Hermione and stood right next to Harry, and although all everyone seemed to talk about was how much he looked like James, the resemblance between Harry and Lily was amazing. It wasn't in the way they looked but rather in the way they were. The aura they gave off. They held themselves the same way. Their power was awe-inspiring. Their eyes were identical.

"Have you ever met anyone with eyes like mine Hermione?" Lily asked. "Besides this boy I mean."

"No."

"You never will." Lily turned her head only just so slightly to look at Harry and then continued speaking. "He is my son isn't he? This Fred?" Hermione gave up. The longing in her chest and the pain in her heart were too much for her to fight. She nodded, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were now falling down her cheeks.

"His name is Harry... Harry James Potter." Lily gasped and turned to Hermione.

"Tell me my story," said Lily as she sat down on Hermione's bed and turned to look at her. Lily's voice didn't leave room for disagreement. So Hermione Granger began to tell what she knew of the story of Lily Evans' life.

Hermione told her about the wedding that she'd seen photos of. She told her about Harry's birthday. She told her about the Fidelius Charm and Sirius' idea. She told her about the betrayal heard round the world. She told her about Sirius' stay in Azkaban. She told her about Peter living for a decade as a rat. She told her about James' death and her own. She told her that Harry lived and brought Voldemort down. She told her about Harry being able to hear those last moments.

Hermione cried a great deal as she told her story. She cried for Harry, who had never had a chance to meet any of these wonderful people who sacrificed so much for him. She cried for the world that would lose those same people. She cried for Peter, Sirius and Remus, whose lives would be destroyed. She cried for Lily and James, who had never had a chance. She cried for Noelle and Valerie, who had been lost in the darkness.

In a moment of perfect clarity, Hermione hated Voldemort.

"It happened on Halloween?" Lily asked. Though her eyes were locked on Hermione's they seemed focused on something else.

"Yes."

"And Remus?" Lily asked once Hermione had finished her tale. Her voice sounded strange. It was lined with power, anger and sadness all in one. It took Hermione's breath away.

"He went to your funeral - the one that was only for friends and family. There were two funerals. One for the people who knew you and one for the people that loved you. Both completely full, and for weeks, you, James and Harry were all that the papers talked about." Hermione almost laughed as she remembered Harry's face when she said things like that, but then caught a glimpse of Lily, and continued with the story of Remus.

"After twelve years, Remus met Harry again. He taught Defense Against the Dark Arts here for a year. Taught Harry how to fight the Dementors, and never once mentioned his ties to you or James. It was the year Sirius came back."

"And Sirius was where? Azkaban?" Lily's words were choked and soft.

"Yes."

"What about Valerie and Noelle?" Lily asked. Hermione looked up for the first time and shook her head.

"I'd never heard of them before coming here. I tried to remember them, but..." Hermione couldn't finish her sentence so she looked down at the ground. She really had been wracking her memory for any hint of who they were. Why had they not come to Harry? Were they dead? She didn't think she could handle it if they were, but Hermione also realized that she would never have known who Sirius, Remus and Peter were except for some extraordinary circumstances. Maybe Noelle and Valerie had -

"Would it help if I told you Noelle has a boyfriend named Joseph Lestrange?" Hermione's head whipped around and her previous line of thought ended.

"If she married him, she'd be in Azkaban."

"For the same reason as Sirius?"

"No," Hermione said softly, remembering a book she'd read about Death Eaters and hesitating before saying anything more. She hadn't meant to say the bit about Azkaban aloud. She didn't want to hurt Lily anymore but the redhead just glared at Hermione until she spoke again. "Both Mr and Mrs Lestrange were Death Eaters." Thirteen cases of murder, forty-seven counts of using Unforgivables, Hermione thought but did not say aloud.

There was a pause, and Hermione saw Lily's breath catch. She could practically see the girl's mind working to grasp the idea that one of her friends might betray her. Hermione didn't even think she'd accepted the possibility of Peter's betrayal yet, and suddenly Lily was faced with the betrayal of someone much closer to herself and her heart.

"Valerie?" Lily choked out, starting to shake again.

"I really don't know anything about her." Lily nodded and looked away, seeming to be trying to make an important decision. It took almost a minute of silence before either girl would speak again. Hermione had decided only to answer questions and not burden the girl with answers she didn't want to know. It would have been so easy to leave. So much easier to not have to answer the next question that came.

"Severus. What do you know about Severus?"

"Lily, I don't know what happened -" Hermione began.

"You're lying." Lily closed her eyes.

"It's not my story to tell." Hermione refused to let this girl know about a third betrayal. Lily hadn't accepted Peter's, she had almost fainted with Noelle's, and Severus was closer to her than either of them. Hermione was relatively sure that people had been telling Lily that Snape would become evil eventually, that he was a Slytherin and that was his job; Lily must have had to defend him a lot. Hermione was not ready to tell Lily that everyone else was right.

"He is my best friend, Hermione." A single tear ran down her cheek.

So Lily heard the story of Severus Snape as well as Hermione knew it. For some reason this story was harder for Hermione to tell than any other story she'd told yet. It was even harder than telling Lily about her and James' deaths. The story of heartbreak and misery tore from her lips with no suggestions for the reasons behind the horrific decisions, because Hermione honestly didn't know why he'd become a Death Eater or why he turned away from them. She didn't know why he'd chosen to work as the Potions Master with students he hated. She didn't know why he hated Harry. Lily seemed to, though; her eyes became more and more focused as the story continued.

After all of the questions were asked and answered, Hermione and Lily sat together on the edges of their beds, facing each other, neither able to escape their own thoughts in order to communicate with the other. Hermione tried to say something, but Lily just waved a hand, dismissing the idea of talking. She shook her head, closed her eyes, and walked out the door.

Hermione followed closely behind as Lily ran down the stairs and threw open the door to the common room. It was still the middle of the day and both Hermione and Lily were supposed to be in class. Everyone in their year was supposed to be in class, but Hermione saw the portrait open just as Lily emerged from the dorm anyway.

It was James, looking very worried. He saw Lily at exactly the same moment she saw him. They ran into each other's arms and stood together for a long time. Hermione didn't know what to do or think; instead, with tears running down her cheeks, she sat down on the stairs behind the door and saw through a small crack the couple still holding each other in a tight embrace.

Hermione didn't know how to handle the fact that Lily now knew everything and controlled everything. She didn't know what to think about the fact that James came into the common room at exactly the right moment and found Lily right away. She didn't know what to think about anything. But that isn't exactly right. She knew one thing at that moment: Lily and James were perfect together.