- Harry Potter/Severus Snape
- Harry Potter Severus Snape
- Slash Angst
- The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 01/12/2005Updated: 02/09/2005Words: 146,361Chapters: 30Hits: 275,831
Green Eyes Sublime
- Story Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his sixth year, only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else, Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived, because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. SS/HP, SLASH and depression related theme.
- Chapter Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his Sixth Year only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. HP/SS SLASH and depressing thoughts.
- Author's Note:
- Thanks: To my wonderful beta readers Amanda_Saitou and Philo whose wonderful help kept me sane.
Window to the Hidden Realm
Harry had hurried to Severus' quarters after dinner to mostly escape the noise in the Gryffindor Common room and to see if he could find a place to do his Charms, Transfiguration and Potions homework that were piling up on him at an alarming rate. Luckily it was now the weekend.
Stepping into the room he had come nearly face to face with Severus and the outstretched wand. Barely buying time to close the door and do an odd bit off scurrying from the spell he knew would follow, Harry just got about two steps in Severus' direction before the spell was hurtling towards him.
"No don't! I'm not -"
All the protesting in the world couldn't save Harry by then, so resigning himself, he fought bravely against Severus' intrusion into his mind.
It didn't take long to realize that he was failing miserably.
'Come on Harry, fight me' Severus commanded silently but Harry's memories and thoughts continued to rush by.
Harry at five, sitting in a tucked up position in the middle of a circle of his cousin's friends, as they tossed food at him and laughed.
Harry at seven, murderously fighting back as his cousin tried to pound him into the ground.
Harry's first Christmas at Hogwarts on the Quidditch pitch trying to out race Hedwig...laughing into the wind.
Harry standing naked...wrapped tightly into Severus' arms...their naked flesh aligned so perfectly they seemed to almost melt together...in darkness and cold...pleading to Severus to not let the black hole swallow him.
Severus felt his grasp on the thought slipping. He was being pushed violently out of the mind he occupied because Harry, it seemed, had suddenly regained the determination to fight back.
He relinquished his hold.
"Damn it Severus! What was that for?" Harry glared in anger as he finally moved away from the door and towards the couch.
"You're mind is weak. Much weaker than I remembered it to be," Severus replied calmly.
Harry threw himself onto the couch and cradled his head within his palm. "Of course it seems weak. You attacked me!"
Ignoring this retort, Severus magically gathered up all Harry's books, scrolls and accessories, which had been abandoned upon the floor in Harry's shock. He stacked them neatly at the base of the couch before glaring at the melodramatic form on the chair.
"Are you alright?"
"No!" Harry immediately protested. "How can I be when you tried to rip my head apart?"
"I did not," Severus said, still calm. "And if that was the effect then your mind is still more fragile than I assumed. No wonder the visions occur so often now. You're mind is very open and they only affect it more."
Harry groaned again before looking up long enough to glare. "What did you want to see anyway? All you would have had to do was ask damn it. I would have told you sooner or later."
Severus' eyebrow raised in silence and Harry blushed.
"Yes, I dream about you and I think about you a lot," he admitted blushing deeper red. "I'm sixteen Severus it's what I do you know. I think about s..sex and...and you...and me...together...all the time."
By the time he had completed the sentence it was reduced to almost a whisper.
Severus' eyes danced in amusement and his lips curled very slightly as he fought the urge to laugh at Harry's obvious embarrassment.
"Well Mr. Potter, my main purpose was to determine whether the dark place was originating in your mind or at least being suggested there by the Dark lord," he said lightly, but his voice gave away the hint of teasing. "However, thank you for admitting to information I had already deduced myself."
"You...you know I think about you...like that?"
"I'm not saying I approve," Severus shrugged then sat down beside Harry. "But yes, I didn't have to be a Mediwizard to realize the obvious."
Harry rolled his eyes, but thought it just the right time to attempt a change of topic. "Well...uh...you said you wanted to know if the darkness is in my mind. Is it?"
Severus allowed for the change, still amused.
"Actually, no it isn't," he said. "You have memories and thoughts of the place but your mind is not where the dark place resides. It is somewhere else...only now I have no idea where."
"Then it could very well be death. I really could be dying inside," he muttered so softly that he was sure that Severus did not hear.
Severus began to frown also, because he had heard. He didn't like the idea of Harry thinking he was carrying death inside or feel as if he may be dying. Sixteen year olds should not have to be thinking on such matters and Severus deeply disliked the notion that Harry had to face such realities or possibilities so much more often than others his age.
Reacting on the purest of instincts Severus reached a hand across the space between them and cupped the side of Harry's face within his palm. His long fingers entangled themselves within the untamed black strands and seemingly of its own accord, his thumb traced small circles on the smooth and soft, warm flesh.
Harry's eyes seemed to glow an emerald flame as he linked his gaze to Severus' own eyes.
"You're not dying inside and it isn't death that this place is," Severus' words seemed to bathe Harry softly. "Whatever this dark world may be, I will find a way to heal you of it. I give you my word that I won't let this black hole swallow you."
Instead of answering, Harry bit his lower lip. His heart had begun to beat so hard within his chest that he wondered if Severus could not feel it pulsing beneath his fingers. He was drowning in onyx eyes and gentle words from a man who others would swear had no heart.
But this was Severus...his Severus, who knew his darkest secret.
Severus' thumb stopped its hypnotizing rhythm to tug Harry's lip gently from sharp teeth. "Don't...it will bruise."
Harry felt his insides melt.
Then suddenly all the blood in his body was pooled between his legs, making him so painfully hard, so fast that he shifted in his seat, breaking the eye contact between Severus and himself.
It was all Severus needed to break the aura he had been so entrapped within. He rose quickly from the couch to sit instead at the safe distance behind his table.
Harry fought the urge to groan or whimper at the loss. Instead, he forced himself to think of less pleasant thoughts like Voldemort and the darkness and soon enough it worked. A few minutes later he could meet Severus' eyes again though he blushed immediately.
"There is something I want you to see," Severus was the epitome of control as if whatever had passed between them had only been on Harry's end. "I should have showed you this before but I needed to wait until the right time."
Severus handed Harry a pensieve. It was Dumbledore's pensieve if Harry wasn't mistaken. He wondered what he would need to see within it.
"I borrowed it again," Severus supplied. "I made a memory journal of myself for you. I realized that this understanding between us is somewhat one-sided. I have been within your mind, heard all your secrets and yet you know nothing of me. This is my way of remedying that."
Harry stared at him in disbelief. Severus was giving him access to parts of himself that he probably never shared with anyone else. That had to be taken from a well of deep trust so Harry felt very humbled.
He could also feel the thread of dark heat unfurling in his stomach once more.
With a sigh of resignation, because he was curious and wanted to get it over with, Harry brought the bowl up to his face and soon he was falling from the sky.
"Mother! Mother where are you?"
"Stop that racket this instance!"
The hand that flew through the air, aimed at Severus, appeared to almost slice the atmosphere as it blurred. It wasn't until it connected with Severus' tear streaked cheek that he stopped shouting for his mother. Only then did the fifteen year old truly allow the tears to fall along his cheeks. He doubled over from pain that had nothing to do with the slap his father had given him.
"What...did you do?" He gasped. "You...bastard! What did you do to her?"
That earned him another slap, but Severus seemed to be beyond any pain that his father could cause him at that point.
"Your mother got seriously ill over the last month. There was nothing any one could do for her. She died...peacefully." The words seemed to barely escape from the older Snape's clenched teeth.
Severus' protest was a howl of anger and tears. "You're lying! Oh...gods...you k..killed her. You killed her."
He dissolved in a heart-wrenching sound of chokes, whimpers and shallow breathing.
His father's finger grasped the long black curtain of hair that framed the weeping face. He pulled violently until Severus' eyes met his and he glared cruelly.
"No," he said softly. "If at all, you killed her my boy. You. She lived daily for you. For the happiness she said you were for her, she loved you so damn much she would have done anything for you. Remember that as you mourn her pitiful, weakness. I won't have a weak family. You remember that also because you are my only heir, but I have no qualms about seeing that you meet the same accidental fate."
"I hate you," Severus whispered.
His father's smile was like liquid evil. "I know."
When the blood began to flow, Severus felt his throat hoarsen from his screams but nothing seemed to help.
His arms were lined with streams of red as they crossed above the plain of his skin. His face was washed by tear. And the only words that left his lips had become his mantra through the days and nights.
"I'm sorry. I did kill you. I did. I never should have left you. I'm so sorry. I never should have left you with him..."
The great hallway of Snape Manor was so huge that it felt suffocating and empty. Standing in the center of the hall at eighteen, Severus felt as small as he always did since the day he had been told of his mother's death.
It was time he left the place behind.
"Where do you think you can go you stupid child? I am your father, I will always find you."
Severus stared at the wizard blocking his path and he laughed. It was a sound void of any light or care. So dark was it that the sound of it made the watching house-elves cringe at the hollow, sharpness of it ripping through the archways.
Without a word, Severus wrapped the black cloak about his slim form and slid the hood over his head.
Then he smirked liquid evil.
"Goodbye Father. Not to worry, I will return to settle the score soon."
Severus dis-apparated within the clearing of a forest bathed in moonlight and shadowed by dark figures in black.
"Severus, I have been waiting a long time for you."
In the center of the circle of figures was one wizard. Even if Severus knew no one else, he knew who this wizard was. For two years he had sworn to never align himself with this epitome of evil, but now he began to wonder why.
Lord Voldemort was powerful. It would be an honor to serve in his gathering.
Severus went and knelt before the welcoming figure. Voldemort tilted Severus's chin so he could see into the clear black orbs and his fingers caressed the pale cheeks.
"I see much sadness within you Severus; such...anger. You have held it beneath the surface and hidden it well. Now is the time to heal. Give in to the truth and allow me the power to guide you. It is time to get the revenge you have sought for so long now."
The words were said only for his ears and they were the ones Severus had needed to hear for so long that suddenly they seem to fill him.
"Will you join me Severus? Will you become one of my Death Eaters?"
"Yes Master." Severus bowed his head in servitude.
Before him, Voldemort smiled.
"What are you doing here? How dare you taint this doorway with your traitorous self?"
"Hello Father." For the first time, Severus' smile sent fear coursing through his father's veins.
"You are not welcome here."
"Father, come now. You know how it is being who we are...what we are. Death Eaters go wherever we desire. We listen to no one but the Dark lord. You are one, Father. You know this. Or is it that because I outrank you now, suddenly your wrath is not as great as mine?"
Severus raised his wand and took a step forward into the hallway. His father took many quick steps backwards as he too raised his wand.
"The Dark lord would not command this."
"You are wrong," Severus smiled dangerously. "It was he who commanded me to show no mercy in this task; just as you showed no mercy to her. Expelliarmus!"
The other wand flew into Severus' grasp before his father could get a proper understanding of the situation.
"No mercy, father."
The color green swam before Severus' eyes. The edge of his vision was already blurring badly and he fought to retain consciousness as he stumbled his way through the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts. He began to count the steps as he urged his legs to move and his body not to fail him.
"Dumbledore," he managed to croak through cracked lips and he was right.
No matter how long he lived or how far away, he would know the approaching form anywhere; even in his sleep. This was the wizard who he needed.
"Help me. Help me...please..."
With hands bathed with blood and fingers already bearing the dry, caked evidence beneath the nails, Severus was on his knees clutching to the hem of the great wizard's cloak. His eyes pleaded for forgiveness in a manner he had not allowed himself for so long in all his twenty-six years.
Dumbledore seemed to stare down at him for the longest time, then with an almost ease he pulled Severus to his feet to stand before him.
"Don't. Ever. Bow to me. I am not him and I will never require you to serve me from your knees." Dumbledore nodded at him. "Yes, I will help you. For as long as you need if you swear your allegiance to me from now on. Betray me and suffer consequences as great as his."
Severus nodded with his eyes glued to the sparkling wizard's before him.
"I swear my allegiance to only you from now on. I swear to never betray you."
The dark purple potion had worked in a way that enhanced what the blue potion had been created for. One was meant to heal and remind. The other was to heal and forgive.
All the scars that Severus had bore on his body from his teenage and recent adult years of self-punishment were now gone forever. His skin was flawless, though his soul may never be. But he was free. As a spy for the Order of the Phoenix he was being given the opportunity to lay to rest the pain of his past.
He stared into the magical mirror for a long time.
Then, with a quick spell he conjured up the sharp, metal blade that had held all his peace in its darkness.
He picked it up and took a deep, calming breath....
Harry pulled himself from the realm of the pensieve and felt overwhelmed.
Whatever he had expected to see was nothing compared to what he had felt as he traveled the journey of Severus' past. The emotions within were so raw that he had felt them as if they were his. Even the evil and the Dark side seemed to have assimilated within his blood stream.
Now, back into the present, those emotions were gone. For some reason, Harry suddenly felt very hollow. Suddenly there was nothing and he could feel nothing inside.
He looked at Severus, who was standing before him, trying to gauge his reaction and for a second he saw the transformation within his mind. Severus at fifteen, then Severus at eighteen, then at twenty and at twenty-six, all merging to form the Severus before him, at thirty-six.
"Well, lets see it then," Harry said softly.
Silently, Severus pulled him from off the couch and led him a few steps behind it. Then just as silently Severus removed his long, black cloak. Beneath it he wore black clothing also, but the sleeveless shirt was soon discarded with the robe and Severus' pale, smooth chest was inches away from Harry's gaze.
And there it was...an X...carved into the left side of Severus' flesh. The center of it laid where Severus' heart beat the loudest.
Harry reached out, focusing his attention entirely on his finger as it made contact with the warm, slightly puckered scar. His finger slid along slowly as he traced it with a small ounce of reverence.
He heard the slight catch of breath and felt the skip of beat under his fingers as he splayed his palm and fingers over the expanse of it.
"Harry...Don't...You shouldn't -" Severus began to protest softly, but was interrupted.
Harry hugged him. Tightly. Severus felt that he had no choice but to hug back and he did. For a few seconds they were so perfectly aligned that their bodies seemed to merge.
Holding his cheek against Severus', Harry finally broke the silence again. "Why?"
"Because I needed to remember," Severus answered immediately. "I owe Dumbledore and the Order a great deal. I don't wish to forget that. I marked my heart to remember that I...have...one and I didn't really die with my mother or my father or from the all the lies and...evil."
"Thank you for telling me," Harry whispered.
"You trusted me first Harry, I am merely returning the favor."
Harry nodded his understanding of the statement, then buried his face against the side of Severus' neck.
He was trembling.
Severus' arm tightened around him. "Harry?"
"It's nothing." Harry violently shook his head. "It's just...I'd given up on the idea that you may have self injured too. Everything inside me said you understood too well. Now that I'm confirmed as being right all along...it's...overwhelming."
"Then perhaps I shouldn't have -"
"No!" Harry protested. "I'm glad that you trust me enough to tell me. I'm glad."
He raised his head and shifted within the embrace so that they were looking at each. Harry's eyes were shimmering with so many emotions that they seemed to swirl in their dazzling green depth.
They were so close that Harry could feel the stream of Severus' warm breath caressing his lips...and suddenly it was too much for him to endure.
He untangled himself from the protective embrace and collected his books from beside the couch. Then just before slipping out the door, he gave Severus one last haunted look of sadness and...so much more. When he was gone Severus covered his face with his palms and groaned in frustration.
He began to wonder what the hell it was that he was allowing to happen between the two of them.