- Harry Potter/Severus Snape
- Harry Potter Severus Snape
- Slash Angst
- The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 01/12/2005Updated: 02/09/2005Words: 146,361Chapters: 30Hits: 275,831
Green Eyes Sublime
- Story Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his sixth year, only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else, Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived, because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. SS/HP, SLASH and depression related theme.
- Chapter Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his Sixth Year only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. HP/SS SLASH and depressing thoughts.
- Author's Note:
- Thanks: To my wonderful beta readers Amanda_Saitou and Philo whose wonderful help kept me sane.
Seeing What Others See
"He is hiding something from us."
"Quite possibly Albus, but why don't you tell me what you think it is."
Severus sat across from the Headmaster with a guarded look in his eyes. He was giving only as much as he got, even if that wasn't a lot to go on. Albus had called him to the office, handed him a cup of tea, and begun the conversation in this cryptic manner. That Severus knew exactly who the 'he' in the conversation was, was indicative only of those few moments when Severus allowed himself to acknowledge the mutual understanding that sometimes still existed between the two men.
"Do you know what he is hiding?" Dumbledore asked a little too seriously even for Severus' standards.
Severus scowled. "I'm still waiting for him to summon the energy to confess to me, but until then, why don't you tell me what you know and satisfy my growing curiosity."
Albus sighed. His sharp, expressive eyes suddenly began to lack their usual brightness as he read Severus' closed expression. Reaching at the foot of his chair he lifted up a pensieve and silently handed it to the Potion's professor.
Severus recognized it as Harry's since he had been the one to pick it out in the first place.
"I've been informed of his latest visions Albus, I don't need to see them for myself," he pointed out, but Albus shook his head slowly.
"No, not his visions really. Note carefully the beginning or endings. Tell me what you think."
Silently, Severus stared at the swirling silvery grey mist inside. There appeared to only be three memories inside. With his own sigh, he brought the basin up to his face and within seconds he felt himself falling in.
Coldness. Darkness. A strong wind was blowing and whatever light there had been was replaced by an intense darkness.
Harry's silhouette was standing, barefoot on the dry, hard ground. His cloak billowed about his body and his arms were wrapped tightly around himself.
He was just standing...as if he was waiting for something to happen.
"Harry!" Severus called out instinctively, although he knew it was only a memory.
Harry didn't move.
Then suddenly it was evening. The sun was setting behind a neat row of houses, all with perfectly manicured lawns. Severus was standing on the corner of a street and Harry was running towards him. On the other side were four Death Eaters and two muggles. Everyone but Harry seemed to be oblivious to the happenings before them.
An Obscurity charm was obviously in place.
Severus violently pulled himself out from that memory. When he was once again in Dumbledore's office he glanced at the older wizard.
Dumbledore nodded and Severus fell into the next memory.
Harry was screaming words that Severus could not make out.
A strong wind was blowing and darkness seemed to be rushing in with the rapidity of a storm, but Harry was still shouting as if there was something in the howling of the wind that would hold an answer for him.
Severus took a step towards Harry and could almost literally feel the course hardness of the ground beneath the sole of his shoes.
Harry was barefoot again.
He was still shouting.
Then, Severus was suddenly snapped out of the pensieve. The vision and memory had ended abruptly.
This time, Severus barely gave Albus a glance before he plunged into the third memory.
Harry was sitting on the ground this time with his knees tucked up to his chest and his black cloak wrapped around his body like a blanket.
Severus could barely see him.
Again the place was a thick blanket of darkness, but there was a fog so dense around them that for seconds at a time Harry's form would be entirely invisible.
Severus walked up to stand beside him but of course Harry did not look up.
"Harry where are we?" Severus asked, more to himself than the figure in the memory.
"There has to be a way out. There has to be. Why can't I find it?" Was all that Harry replied softly.
"Well?" Dumbledore asked when Severus had emerged again.
"Where is it?" Severus asked, scowling in reply. "I don't think I like the feel of the place. It's so empty and dark...almost evil."
Dumbledore nodded. "I felt the same way. Even standing in the memory, the darkness is suffocating, and the emptiness feels endless."
"What place is it? Do you know?" Severus asked again before adding hesitantly. "And why do I feel as if I should know it? It's as if a part of me has always wanted to be there and never quite arrived."
"Yes," Albus said softly. "I thought you would be the person more likely to understand it. In the beginning he was better at clipping the memory almost precisely in time. There was nothing more than the darkness for a second or the cold for a moment. Now he seems to be struggling. I don't know what this place is but I think it may be wearing on him."
Severus nodded with the scowl back in place upon his face. "Well of course it is. Merlin forbids that Harry be given a reprieve. It's a wonder he makes progress at all emotionally."
"My views exactly," Dumbledore said. "Why do you think he didn't tell either of us though? I at least assumed that he would confide in you."
"In his own way he has. But, why else do you think he would he hiding this Albus?" Severus sneered. "He's playing the Gryffindor hero like he has been taught to be."
Albus smiled sadly. "Will you help him?"
"Of course I will," Severus half growled, half grumbled. "I hardly think I have a choice."
"Ah Severus, there always is a choice and you are well aware of that by now," Dumbledore chided. "Which reminds me, have you told him about your own self yet?"
"No. I was waiting for him to get better," Severus answered cautiously. "Now I'm not so sure he is ready afterall."
"Tell him. He would want to know. It would be something else for you to prove that you understand."
"He may get very angry. I've implied quite a few times that I'm to the contrary. He may not take it very well," Severus said quietly.
"Tell him," Albus smiled encouragingly. "Or better yet, show him the memory."
"Hermione can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure Ron. Just let me pack these books away first."
Ten minutes later Ron and Hermione were strolling around Hogwarts' grounds. It was a lovely spring day and the temperature had begun to warm up nicely enough for the two to be comfortably dressed without scarves or gloves anymore. Nice enough even for short sleeved robes and slippers if their uniforms allowed, but since it didn't they had to content with what they were wearing.
Ron took Hermione's hand within his as they made their way towards the lake. Sitting on the bank, overlooking the shimmering water he finally turned to speak to her.
"I think something may be wrong with Harry," he said with a look of such intense seriousness that Hermione had never seen on his face before.
"Why would you say that?" Hermione asked. "I mean, we both know he's not having the most fanciful time with all the visions and Vol...demort, but he doesn't seem all that bad."
"I know, but you've only seen him in the daytime when he puts on a mask of being okay. You don't sleep in the room with him like me and the others do. Neville, Dean and Seamus see it too. At nights he's...well it's bad. With everything, he can't be feeling too lovely you know."
"Well, he's taking the Pepper-up and Calming potions right? They will help him," Hermione interjected but Ron shook his head almost angrily.
"That's the next thing. He lives off those potions now. It's as if they hold his salvation and he can't live without them. It's the same with the Dreamless potion too. Once I even saw him take a sip of all three of them following each other and I know they probably shouldn't be mixed like that."
Hermione considered for a while, then she looked at Ron with concern. "Are you saying he may be addicted to them? See he can't be Ron. They're potions, not muggle medication. They don't have the elements to cause addiction."
"You're wrong Hermione," Ron said softly. "Wizards and muggles too, I'm sure, can get addicted to anything. Do you remember when he showed us his...well you know...his other scars. He said he'd needed to do it sometimes. That has to be an addiction too of some sort. If he can be addicted to that then of course he can think he needs to take the potions to be okay."
Hermione felt almost speechless, as if her head and her heart were in competition for her mind. In a very solid way, what he said made sense and that frightened her more than she cared to admit. Afterall, she had been the one to tell Harry to take the potions.
"What do we do then?" She asked just as softly.
Ron looked stumped for a few seconds and Hermione laughed. This immediately made them both feel a bit better.
"I think we need to tell Dumbledore," Ron finally decided but Hermione shook her head.
"No we shouldn't bother him. He already has a lot to do so we shouldn't be giving him one more thing to concern himself about," She said. "You know how he is about us, Harry especially. Dumbledore will tell Lupin and then he'd just get worried too. I don't think it's serious enough to start such a commotion but maybe if we told a professor here who could help him it would be just as good."
"You mean like Professor McGonagall?" Ron's brow shot up.
Hermione smiled gently. "No. She'd probably be almost as bad as Dumbledore."
Hermione stared across the broad expanse of water near where they sat. Her mind was racing with all the possible teachers they could confide in who would not over react. In the end there was only one person she could decide well enough upon.
"Have you bloody lost it? He'd chuck Harry out long before we could form the words 'potion abuse'!"
Hermione hugged Ron suddenly very tightly and he was more than a little surprised to say the least after his outburst.
"It's okay Ron, I'll tell him after Double Potions if you want. I know you just may end up pushing him to that point. I don't think he'll get Harry expelled. I think he may be the only rational professor to tell actually," she whispered within his ear with a smile.
"Why him? Of all the teachers 'Mione? Why would you even consider him?"
Hermione's smile got a little wider as she rest her head upon her boyfriend's shoulder. "It's because of something I just remembered Ron. Something I hadn't thought of before."
In her mind she saw her best friend standing in a bathroom of broken wood, with blood streaming down his body, a lost look in his tear filled eyes.
And Severus Snape had called him Harry.
"Hullo Ron. You look tired."
"Of course I look tired Dean, I just had Double Potions. If you think first to fifth year Potions was hard, try taking Advanced Potions. I think Snape got even more evil when we weren't looking. The bloody tyrant's probably been sampling his vile potions when he got bored!"
Neville, Dean and Seamus were all sitting around Dean's bed looking through a muggle magazine when Ron had walked in with a sigh so huge they could not have missed it. The three had turned their attention to him immediately expecting him to join them, but instead Ron fell upon his own bed with another dramatic sigh.
"Where's Harry?" Neville asked softly.
Ron shrugged. "Damned if I know. He does tend to disappear at the oddest moments these days doesn't he?"
"Maybe we should keep better tabs on him," Seamus supplied.
"Maybe we shouldn't watch him so much," Neville countered.
Ron groaned in a mixture of irritation and wry amusement. "I'm his best friend and I have no idea which of the two of you are more right. Being Harry Potter's best friend is such a full time job!"
"Oh shut it. The three of you love having each other to turn to," Dean pointed out. "If we all had the loyalty you three have for each other then we'd all be in Hufflepuff wondering where all the bravery went."
Ron groaned again but with a smile this time.
"Seriously Ron, is he okay?" Neville asked in the silence that had fallen. "Sometimes he looks so lost and detached from everything. I think sometimes I'd hate being him. Everyone treats him so highly all the time and they all forget that he's real and there's a reason why he's Harry Potter."
"Yeah, you're right. They all see what they want to see, even I do it sometimes." Ron sighed almost painfully. "He'll be alright though. Doesn't he always make it?"
"Don't mean to pry Ron, but do you know why he's been in such a rut lately?" Seamus asked.
"Just the usual, his scar and You-Know-Who giving him hell. He barely gets any sleep these nights and half the time I wake up in the night it's because he's had a nightmare or disappeared like he does in the day sometimes," Ron answered, running his fingers through his hair tiredly.
"I really hope it gets better for him soon," Dean said, and they all agreed with a nod of their heads. "I hate seeing him so bad at nights."
"His grades are still so bloody good though!" Ron exclaimed. They all laughed. "I wonder how he does it really? I'd be so tired of it all that I'd tell the whole lot of professors to go sod themselves, but somehow Harry manages to have mind numbing nightmares and still concentrate well enough on Double Potions the next day."
"That's Harry. You have to admit he's pretty good to pull things off all the time," Seamus said with a smile.
"Let's hope he pulls through this time as well," Neville said softly.
"Granger you are walking down the entirely wrong corridor. Kindly perform a favor for both of us and turn around while you still have the ability to do so."
"I'm sorry Professor Snape but I am headed exactly where I want. I need to speak to you in private for a few minutes Sir."
Severus thought it seriously unwise to growl in frustration at her polite words. Instead, he stopped mid-stride in the direction he was headed. He wanted to get back to his room because he had no intentions of eating dinner in the Great Hall tonight and was hoping that it would just be either himself or himself and Harry alone.
"What for Granger? What great atrocity did you commit this time?"
Hermione blushed slightly. "None Professor. I did ask that we speak in private though so..."
She left the sentence hanging. Severus had half a mind to resume walking and leave her behind in his wake. Instead he did a one-eighty degree turn with a dark scowl on his face. Without another word he began to walk back into the direction if his office, hoping that what little sense she seemed to have would inform her that she was to follow him.
As soon as they were safe and privately secure within the office, Severus leveled the Gryffindor with his dark scowl.
"Well girl what is it? I haven't got all day to waste so either start explaining your purpose or allow me leave of this room."
Hermione leveled him with the strongest glare she dared. "It's about Harry."
"What about Potter?"
"Well Professor, Ron and I are worried about him."
Immediately Hermione began to blush. Professor Snape was looking at her with the most unimpressed look she had ever witnessed.
"Potter hardly looks in need of your concerns. His grades in Potions have remained constant and if I'm not mistaken, he is still of celebrity status in all his other classes. He is still the insufferable arrogant Gryffindor that is showered with attention in the day and gets away with murder during the night," Severus said with an unreadable expression in his eyes but a sneer of disgust on his face.
"Well that's because he hides it so well!" Hermione protested.
Snape still looked as if he was a far way from being convinced.
"Oh why am I even bothering. I should have known that you would be the last person to notice anything different about him. I just thought you'd be practical and see past all the pretense that he puts up for everyone else."
Exasperated, Hermione stormed to the door and had just reached for the knob when Snape's voice stopped her.
"I would remind you Ms. Granger that I am still your Professor and shouldn't have to tolerate such blatant cheek. I have every right to deduct at least five points from your House."
Hermione blushed deeper but her fingers closed around the metal knob as she prepared to leave anyway.
"Come back her and finish the conversation you started Granger," Severus said as he leaned against his table. "Where did he get the potions I suspect he's using? I'm fairly certain that in all her misgivings, Pomfrey don't just hand students vials of potions no matter how much of a celebrity they may be."
Hermione turned to face him once again, releasing her hold on the knob.
"He's getting them at Hogsmeade. The Pepper up and Calming Potions seem to be in abundance there. They're expensive but Harry wouldn't spare any thought to that. I don't know where he's getting the Dreamless Potion from, but I think it may be delivered from Diagon Alley. At worst, well, Knockturn Alley."
"Why does he think he need them?"
Hermione's gaze fell to the ground. She stood silent for as second before she looked back up at him with defiance.
"I told him he should take them to feel better."
She nodded. "Yes. It's what I was saying. He doesn't feel so well because of all the visions coming so constantly. I think it's affecting him because he forgets things so easily now. He missed a prefect meeting two days ago."
"I hardly think that makes much of an argument. Potter has been a prefect for almost the entire year and I can't recall him being much of a good one anyway. Why the concern now? Slytherins are the only prefects who seem to take their duties seriously."
"That's because you probably threaten them!" Hermione reined her temper in again with a deep breath. Shouting would get her nowhere but detention and a few lost points. "Harry is good at being a prefect. Everyone listens to him and usually he's very fair. He doesn't take out his personal problems against the other students like Malfoy and the other Slytherins do. Now I think he actually forgets that he's a prefect sometimes."
"Is that all your concerns about him Granger or was there more? Because in that case you may as well sit."
He indicated the chair before him and Hermione cautiously sat.
"You won't use what I tell you against him will you?" She asked softly. "Please don't use it to embarrass him, he doesn't know I'm telling you this. He would probably kill me if he knew so please don't tell him."
"I will try to resist the desire," Severus said calmly.
Hermione smiled for the first time since she had entered her professor's office. She knew she had been right about him all along.
"How long have you been standing here?"
"I was sitting, and not too long. I knocked and the door wouldn't budge so I realized you weren't in. I thought I'd just wait."
Severus' fingers barely touched the knob before it shimmered and began to slide. To the invisible form now standing beside him, he gave a small nod.
The door opened and Severus allowed Harry to slip inside first. By the time he entered and had the door locked again, Harry had already removed the invisible cloak and was looking at him inquisitively.
"Short burst of sudden inspiration for once?" Severus asked, indicating the cloak.
"Something of the sort," Harry shrugged. "Where were you?"
"It's nearly eight o' clock in the evening and my life does not revolve around you. Where I was is probably no concern of yours."
"Lovely," Harry smiled. "So where were you?"
"You should be at dinner."
"I should be but I'm here. Answer the question."
Severus gave Harry his best glare but Harry was in no mood to back down. In the end Severus finally gave in.
"Granger sought me out to have a conversation. I could hardly turn her away so I sat in my office and listened while she prattled away."
Harry eyebrow shot up. "Hermione came to speak with you? About what?"
"You," Severus said pointedly.
Harry's expression became even more amazed. "Me? What did she say."
"That is between me and Granger," Severus replied quietly. "Suffice to say, my views about your friends have perhaps been edited a little."
"That they are not as completely stupid as I previously assumed."
"I see," Harry mimicked Severus in his expression. "And that came about from a conversation about me?"
"Any chance of you telling me exactly what was said during the conversation."
"No, there is no chance of me destroying what little faith Granger believes she has in me."
"Then what now?"
Severus sighed and began to glare yet again at Harry across the room. He took a seat behind his desk.
"Now we work on solving the problems they noticed, and it will begin by you telling me everything about your black world."
"My what?" Harry sat down in his couch, looking semi-confused.
"You know exactly where I mean."
Well, since that could only be one place, Harry blushed. "Oh, there. How do you know about it?"
"Your pensieve. What is that place?"
Harry shrugged. "If I only knew then perhaps I could save myself. I think it's death. Sometimes I think it's me...dying inside."
Severus nodded. "Alright. Tell me more. I want to know everything, which means no secrets Harry. If I am to help you then I'll need to have all the information, both good and bad. I didn't like the feel of the place and if it's inside of you then something is very wrong."
"Oh." Harry made himself comfortable on the couch while Severus snapped his fingers for food again. "Where do I start?"
"Start from when you first became aware of the place and work your way through to where you managed acquire vials of potions, that you felt the need to hide the fact that you use, from me."
Harry sighed but started talking while Severus listened, scowling mostly when Harry mentioned Voldemorts ever presence within the place.
Secretly Severus began to worry. It seemed that there was more going on than he had originally imagined.
He wondered if he would be enough to save Harry this time.