My Name is Blonde

My name is Blonde (01)

Prologue

Dedicated to Diricawl, who can single-handedly take all the credit for inspiring this fic.

High heeled lace-up boots. Sharp pointed metal-edge reinforced with maximum flexibility installed. Soft leather laces purely for decorative use, of course.

Top hats necessary for two members of partaking parties, although other members may also facilitate themselves with it should they wish to (as if...). Extra pocket featured in skirt for supplementary wand and Muggle gun. Bright red lipstick a necessary evil.

Of course, at the time I was only aware of the last fact as I watched the two figures dancing on the stage. They didn't weren't quite professional, but their dancing skills were quite good. Certainly the men in the bar thought so. Though whether their enthusiasm was only about their dancing skills was quite questionable...

I'm Edward. Edward Zass, but most of my customers just call me Eddie, for which I'm eternally grateful. I own the popular (albeit sleazy) Dancing Ogre- a bar that attracts all types of witches and wizards who like dance, watching dance, or an excuse to get badly drunk. Don't get me wrong- I'm a decent enough wizard, and certainly wasn't expecting to end up running one of the bigger Death Eater hot spots when I started the bar, but a man's gotta make a living, right? And who would I be to drive out my largest and most faithful group of customers?

Of course, the bar's popularity probably also has something to do with the model dancers in my bar, or the fact that my faithful customers also have a habit of doing a bit of business themselves whilst they're here. But hey- I deny all knowledge of this- and if my other customers have a fetish for Dementor's Kisses or Crucia-pills, well, that's their business right?

Anyhow, so there I was, surveying the crowded bar and yelling at a few of the waitresses, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I spun around (serving tough clients leaves you a bit edgy at times) and came face to face with a stunning blonde.

Well, she wasn't stunning, actually. The stunning types are usually throwing themselves at the hot-shot Death Eaters, or firmly latched onto the arm of the likes of Zabini or Malfoy. But she was cute, was smiling at me, and had a few pretty freckles on her white skin. Not too bad, eh?

I gave her my best smile and tried to make my voice throaty. "Yes?"

She grinned shyly and fingered her long earring. "Hi, er- I was wondering if you could get me a Troll's Delight?"

Dammit. Obviously, she'd recognised me as the infamous bar-owner right away. Still, I wasn't going to let her off that easily. And who could tell if this wasn't a shy girl's way of starting a conversation?

"Are you sure that's all you want? I'd recommend a Heliopath's Breath myself- fiery hot, just like yo-"

"That's quite alright- I mean, sure. Could you just get it for me right now?" she spluttered in a hurry, looking over my shoulder and back at me.

"Now, I'm sure there's no hurry-"

Fine. I sounded like a desperate stalker (which I wasn't), or a wanna-be smooth operator who simply ended up being annoying (which I was). But you have to understand that my male ego was getting pretty bruised at the time. Here was this witch who'd just come up smiling to me, only to start looking over my shoulder, and acting as if she wanted to get rid of me. I looked over my shoulder and saw nothing unusual- just a couple of drunken witches, and a few Death Eaters about to pass a drug deal. What was she playing at?

"Oh, there's some dandruff on your shoulder," she burst out desperately, and proceeded to lean over my shoulder, dusting it with one hand.

My first thought was "now, that's much better", quickly followed by a "what if she's a psycho? Better get away from her", followed by a "do all witches flirt like this these days?".

By this time, however, she'd sprung away from me, and was yelling loudly. "Mil! I've got them!"

Several things happened at once. The two dancers on the stage leapt off, landing beside MacNair and Avery and quickly handcuffing them. Most of their underlings raced for the exit (scratching my newly varnished floor), only to find it blocked by a stocky brunette who held her wand in one hand and a camera in the other, with which she coolly raised and took their photo with. A few of them then attempted to go out of the main door, only to meet the blonde who'd been talking to me earlier, gun in hand and all. (Guns had become quite well-known ever since we heard that Muggles believed that Black owned one).

The blonde grinned. "Party's over."

***

Well, it turns out this was one of those Ministry raids in their new crackdown against drug dealings. Blondie had a video-camera hidden somewhere and had been trying to record solid proof of the drug dealings of three Death Eaters behind me. The dancers apologised for their "intrusion" and explained the basics of their project as the other two ladies apparated the now-magically-handcuffed Death Eaters away.

"As we all know, despite Voldemort's defeat 5 years ago, his Death Eaters have still been active, now working mostly in sub-groups by themselves for their own good. Having closely monitored their activities in this bar for a few days, and with our hypothesis supported by statistical evidence of increases in this area..."

Whatever. All I could think about was my poor floor.

Blondie, finished with her Apparating, walked past me on her way out.

"Sorry for the commotion we caused!" she smiled.

And what was that about me having a dandruff problem? I'd have her know I used CleanSweep's Shampoo for men every day!

***

Chapter 1

I'm Granger. Hermione Granger. And PLEASE don't call me Mione. I guess I'm pretty well-known in the Wizarding community, with being one of Harry Potter's best friends and playing a role in the final battle again Voldemort (with him dead people are finally starting to say his name now- Harry is overjoyed). I've had quite a low-profile since- I was offered work at the ministry, but to avoid a conflict of interests I opted instead to be a part-time journalist, and I co-own a Transfiguration and Arithmancy tutoring centre for graduated witches and wizards who failed their NEWTS, or want skill refinement in general.

I'll admit, the wizarding community was disappointed- maybe they'd expected more from me. A few people even commented that maybe I took "boring" jobs to match my "bookish" personality (Arithmancy is NOT boring! How can they fail to appreciate its artistic side?), but taking jobs as an Auror, or a full time ministry job would have given me too little time to conduct my research at my local Muggle hospital- and I want to contribute to the Muggle world too- it's still a part of my past. And, like I said, a ministry job would be a conflict of interest with my other work.

Other work, you ask? Well, participating in the final battle left me with an interest- well, a need, to keep fighting evil. Or, specifically, Voldemort's cronies who have kept their little groups and now have smaller, private money-making operations. Or, specifically, Malfoy, who, despite his father's fall from grace in the wizarding community, still has a big name for himself, being a notoriously wealthy "bad boy" who owns a chain of shops, two magazines, and is a member of the ministry board. Despite his respected jobs he's known for being a playboy and smooth operator, and I'm pretty sure he has a few shady dealings and illegal operations going on underground. Voldemort died but the habits of his Death Eaters lived on, I guess.

So I became a member of the B.L.O.N.D.E (Britain's Learned Organisation for National Defensive Emergencies) organisation. Specifically, I work for Emmeline Vance and Griselda Marshbanks, doing undercover operations that the ministry can't handle, or want to keep low profile. Of course, most people don't know that Emmeline Vance and Griselda Marshbanks run an undercover agency themselves, and as they have high-profile jobs they tend to keep that fact quiet.

So, basically I'm a part-time journalist, tuition-centre-owner, medical researcher, and do the occasional undercover work (sleep? Who has time for that?). I guess some of the Wizarding public are disappointed, feeling that I'm sticking to petty part-time jobs.

But hey, there's plenty of time to kick butt at night, undercover, right?

So here I am, sitting on the couch at our top-secret headquarters, waiting for the others to come. Last night was dreadful- having to fit into stiff high heeled boots and dancing with a top hat on stage! One of the cons of the job I guess, but depressingly it works, so there you go. I pity Ginny the most- she tells me it took her a good half hour to undo the hair-colour spell Tonks had placed on her. I could also see her having a hard time as she tried to film the evidence with her earring (microscopic video camera installed, naturally) what with the bar-owner blocking her way.

The sound of someone Apparating in makes me look up, and I smile as I see Cho enter. She didn't have it much better since her black hair is pretty distinctive and we couldn't take any risks, with her being a bit of a celebrity in Britain, so she went brunette. Despite her high grades she found she likes flying best, and so she's the seeker of the Tornados, her favourite Quidditch team. She also co-owns the tuition centre with me, and luckily her practises are pretty loose, so they don't interfere with her "other work" as much.

"Hi Hermione, hi Cho," says a familiar voice, and I turn to see Ginny, closely followed by Millicent, Apparate from behind me. Ginny was another "disappointment" to the wizarding public too- especially her brothers. She graduated with decent grades, but, like us, chose to work undercover, and so takes the less demanding job of owning the famous boutique Witchwear. She also writes in a satirical column, WITTY (What I Think TodaY), which is great to read, though I've never been able to write humorous columns myself. Ron and Harry couldn't quite get over this until they learned about her undercover work, since "that Bat Bogey Hex on Malfoy was really something!"

And there's Millicent, who's been alright once we got over the two times she'd head-pinned me. It was a year or so before the final battle when she just walked in on a conversation Harry and I were having with Dumbledore, and coolly offered us some information. She never gave reasons for this change of events, and she's not as open as Cho and Ginny, but I do trust her- as did Dumbledore.

She's the only one amongst us who has a politically important job- she has a high post at the ministry, being one of Fudge's assistants and coordinators, but she doesn't have too high a public profile, partly due to her looks (Fudge was afraid her face would be the butt of public jokes and that that would ruin his image-typical). She uses her looks to her advantage though, and she's a really smart girl.

"So you finally got the blonde out of your hair, Ginny?" Cho asked, grinning slightly.

"Yep. I swear, after four hours with artificial colouring in my hair I'll never complain about being a red head again," Ginny sighed, rolling her eyes. "Herm- what's this I hear about Alan seeing Parvati now?"

I was about to answer her when a popping sound in the fireplace interrupted us.

"Good morning girls."

"Good morning Marchbanks," we said in unison.

Griselda Marchbanks gave us a small smile before continuing.

"I'm needed for a meeting in five minutes so I'll keep this short. There's been an attack on Lucy Marsh, who's meant to be a witness at the ministry on a wizard attack on a group of Muggle-born school children. As you all know, part of the Ministry has been lobbying for greater protection of the rights of Muggle-borns and their related Muggles next week, but without her presence there isn't much hope of their resolution being passed. Now, we're pretty the attack's been coordinated by conservative Wizarding parties, but with no proof our present concern's to secure an anti-dote for her, play down influencing anti-Muggle propaganda, and find proof against the actual attacker.

Also there've been a few attacks on Muggle children who're showing signs of magic and are about to be invited to Hogwarts. Cursed chairs have been popping up in their homes, creating problems in the Ministry, which distracts most members from the Muggle-rights lobby.

B.L.O.N.D.E's been summoned as Ministry intervention will give this case too high a profile. So- Chang and Granger, go undercover into hospital, and smuggle Lucy out from there- since she's prone to even more danger there and there's no way the hospital will be able to revive her in time. Also take a check on The Daily Prophet and see if you can play down any anti-Muggle propaganda, Granger. Weasley and Bulstrode, investigate at the regular Death Eater and conservative Wizarding gathering spots- Hog's Head, The Squeaky Teacup, you know the sort. Bulstrode, find out how much Fudge knows about this, and use your natural connections with both the Ministry and the Death Eaters to try and find out about the poison. Try to pinpoint some suspects for me at least. Weasley, I'll have to put you undercover, so visit Tonks or Parvati before starting to investigate, ok? And try to concentrate on finding out who's responsible for the attack- that should give us some pointers to work on.

Vance will owl you all later if she thinks something needs to be done for the Muggle-children that are in danger of attacks. Hope you can handle this girls- I'd better be off now. Owl me if you need anything."

And with a pop, she was gone again.

"I still don't get how she talks so fast," Millicent commented dryly.

We laughed. We definitely had our work for the next week cut out for us.

"So, Cho, Gin, we'd better visit Tonks and get made up now? We can probably make the 10 o'clock shift at the hospital then," I pointed out, not wanting to waste time.

"Ok Herm, let's go," Ginny said briskly, taking my hand. Cho followed.

"See you later, Mil? And don't let Fudge get you down."

Millicent smiled wryly. "I'd like to see the idiot try."

And with a pop, we apparated to our respective destinations.