Quidditch in Bed

Chapter 3 - Sizing up the opposition.

A lot of pain can be spared by the simple dictum of 'know your opponent'. Firstly - sizing up the whole playing area is a good idea, ensuring that you have a good idea of where those Beater bats are, and where they're likely to be aimed.
Arrive in good time, and take in the lie of the land, noting prices, setting up a bar tab if applicable, and take into account the other players. Do not make the mistake of dividing a room into team-mates and opponents - a Hufflepuff error. Unlikely alliances may be formed, albeit on a temporary basis, which may be used to good effect.

Firstly look for possible distractions - there is nothing worse than someone tossing a coin when you're diving for that snitch. All's fair in love and war they say, and there's no such crime as snitch-knip here.

Women can be grouped into different types, and trying to size up your opposition thusly may help to smooth away pre-match nerves better than the old ogdens, although a dram or two of that wouldn't harm you too much.

In order to help you plan your game strategy, we have outlined for your convenience the typical witch in terms you will understand.

Which Witch?

Arrows
Everything a wasp isn't. Fair, kind, generous, and not prone to throwing hexes. At least, that's what they want to believe.

Bats
She'll be downing them with the lads, as happy as anyone down the Leaky, after a game. Shake your hand 'no hard feelings' and a fully paid up member of the team pub fund. She knows she's as good as you, and she'll commentate on you, when you thought it was you who was the player in this game.
Treat her as your equal in everything, and pull no punches with those beater bats, and you'll be doing the plumpton pass in 3.5 seconds.

Catapults
Maybe trampoline would be a better description for these athletes. Up down, in and out, and you're in the wrong place, on a soft, springy surface, instead of being fully in control of your broom, like you should be. They like to take their risks, so watch out for that Wronski feint. You won't know what's hit you by the time Dangerous Dai-ella's had her way.

Cannons
Eternal romantics, and possibly a born loser. These girls will swoon over the suggestion of flowers, never mind what happens if you buy her any. Try reading 'the smart magician's guide to muggle poetry' if you want something to impress her. The downside is that they don't give up on their team, even if they may downgrade their play.

Falcons
Vicious, silent, subtle: there's a reason these birds should be made to wear bells. Their prey stands little chance against the cruel beak and approaching claws.
Typically their "handlers" will have bats that will destroy any ball that isn't a fully bespelled bludger - if you're facing that, they you can forget catching that snitch!
Handling a 'falcon' your only hope is a quick 'hood' and prayer she becomes docile. Your opening words will determine your fate. Show her your strength and she'll respect you.

Harpies
That much oestrogen on a quidditch team is not healthy. Especially when it means 'handbags at dawn' when it comes to a rival team. Forget beater bats - they have nothing on these girls. All in it together - except when it doesn't suit them - they know how to party, and how to ride their broom.
You won't be in control of any situation with these - they know their ploys, and you'll be taken for a ride.

Kestrels
smaller and gentler than the falcon, these girls hover at the edge of the game, biding their time, waiting for the quaffle to come their way. Underestimate them at your peril - these are resourceful, intelligent and bewitching.

Magpies
Snitches are just another pretty little bauble to add to the trophy cabinet. If it glitters, she wants it, and she'll happily pay the price, just as long as you're paying more.

Prides
She knows who she is, she knows who you're not. If you're reading this book, then you shouldn't even think about it.

United
Your solid, easygoing quidditch witch. Great to talk to, no need to apologise too profusely for wanting to talk about the great games you've played, just as long as you give her stories equal hearing. Happier on a broom than in the stands, she'll be a willing participant in most games.

Wanderer
Daddies girls, through and through - more protected than gringott's. She's used to her own way, and having men wrapped round her little finger. Just make sure her father stays off the pitch during the match and you'll be fine.

Wasps
Watch out for those goblins hanging round the place. These girls know where to place their bets, and how to cut their losses. Their only regret is that they're not meant to use their wands on the opposition.