SHIPs Ahoy!

SHIPs Ahoy!

[Harry, Draco, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are all asleep on the floor in a dark room with no windows or doors. The only furniture in the room is five chairs, and a computer. Draco begins to stir. He wakes up, looks around, and sees the others. Immediately, he decides that this is some evil Gryffindor plan to kidnap and gang rape him. He starts kicking Harry and Ron.]

Draco: Wake up! Wake up, you disgusting perverts! I demand you let me out! I have no wish for any part of your bodies to come into contact with mine!

Harry: *sits up* Ouch! What the hell? *rubs his eyes* What are you doing here, Malfoy? And what are you talking about?

Draco: What am I doing here?!? You're the sick freak who helped kidnap me! I demand to know what you plan to do with me!

Harry: *fully awake, now glares at Draco* You know, Malfoy, we were planning on torturing you with images of baby bunnies and puppies and other cute fluffy things. Then we were going to have a sing-along with all our favorite songs from "Barney." Then, if you weren't dead or clinically insane yet, we were all going to give you a big group hug and kiss.

Draco: *panicking* Who's Barney? What fluffy things could be worse than baby rabbits? *trembles in horror* I changed my mind! I want the gang rape!

Ron: *yawns* As if anyone would want to touch you. * he stands up and stretches* Harry, mate, what's going on?

Harry: *frowns in thought* It's probably some evil plan of Voldemort's

Ron: *squeaks in terror*

Draco: *hides behind Ron*

Harry: *truly irritated now* It's just a bleeding name.

Ron: *still making odd whimpering sounds*

Draco: *collects himself and walks out from behind Ron. He brushes himself off, and mutters under his breath* Weasley dust, who knew they'd be so dirty?

[Just then Hermione and Ginny began to wake up. They both sit up and look around in bewilderment.]

Ginny: Harry? Ron? Malfoy? *she glares at Draco* This must be some evil Slytherin plot to kidnap and gang rape us! Where are the rest of them? *She jumps up and tries to draw her wand, but can't find it. That reminds the rest of them to check for their wands, which are missing of course*

Hermione: What am I supposed to do now? I was supposed to study for Transfiguration. How am I supposed to practice advanced Conjuring Spells without my wand?

Draco: *practically having a panic attack* I'm with a bunch Gryffindors in a room with no escape route without a wand?! I'm not going to live to get the Dark Mark! When my father hears of this-

Ron: *mostly recovered from hearing Voldemort's name* Your father'll have trouble doing anything about it from Azkaban.

Draco *glowers at Ron but doesn't say anything*

Hermione: *matter-of-factly, ignoring Draco and Ron* There has to be some way out of this place. I mean, we got in, we have to get out somehow.

Harry: *walks over to the computer and sits down* Maybe there's some kind of unlocking mechanism in the computer.

Draco, Ron, and Ginny in unison: What's a computer?

Hermione: *walks over to computer and sits next to Harry* Look, it's connected to the Internet.

Draco, Ron, and Ginny in unison: What's an Internet? *all come and sit down.*

Harry: *looks confused* It's at schnoogle.com. Have you ever heard of that website?

Hermione: *shakes her head* Look, Harry! It's your name! And Malfoy's!

Draco: What?!

Harry: *looks more confused* M-my name? *reads* "Harry/Draco SHIP." What's a SHIP?

Draco: *says slowly, as though explaining to a small child* Well, Potter, there's this big thing called the ocean-

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy. *reads* "Angsty Harry and Unwilling Draco are forced to combine forces to defeat Voldemort. But their unconfessed love for each other gets in the way. Will Draco and Harry ever admit their undying affection? Warning! All kinds of slashy shagging." *stops reading, looking sick to his stomach and clamps his lips together to keep from puking*

Ron: *passes out from the use of Voldemort's name and the mental image of Harry and Draco shagging*

Draco: *whoops with laughter* I need to find out who wrote that! The look on your face Potter!

Hermione *giggles softly*

Ginny *chuckles to herself*

Harry: *too busy retching to notice*

Ginny: Here's another one! *reads* "Harry has been abused or mistreated by basically everyone in the entire world and is having a nervous breakdown, and for some reason Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Lupin and everyone else who cares about Harry could care less or don't notice. Along comes Draco, who has been abused or mistreated by basically everyone in the entire world, who wants to come over to the good side for no apparent reason other than the author doesn't want him to be evil. Will Harry and Draco save each other? Warning! Hot raunchy slash."

Draco: *blows Harry a kiss* What about it Potter? Want to do something hot and raunchy?

Ron: *was beginning to wake up, but hears Draco's comment and goes unconscious again.*

Harry: *turns green*

Girls: *giggle and blush*

Draco: *takes over the computer mouse* Potter, listen to this! *reads* "Harry and Draco get detention in Snape's dungeon and things heat up!" *collapses into laughter, can't even summon the energy to finish the summary*

Harry: *doesn't trust himself to open his mouth*

Ginny: *rolls her eyes at Draco's laughter* You know what Malfoy? *scrolls down the page until she finds a story* Listen to this one. *reads* "Narcissa and Draco are alone in the Manor. What will they do to pass the time?"

Draco: *contemplates* Play Monopoly?

Ginny: No, it has a warning for incest.

Draco: *shudders in disgust* My mother is good-looking and all, but I wouldn't go there, that's just not right!

Ginny: How about your father? Is that any better?

Draco: *nearly falls off chair* What?!?!

Ginny: *reads* Draco loves attention from his daddy-"

Draco: *is as green as Harry* Stop, stop, stop, that's just disgusting!

Hermione: I agree. *takes the mouse from Ginny* How about this one? *reads* Ginny is still desperately in love and stalking Harry. They get together all nice and fluffily."

Ron: *becoming conscious* Oh, that's much better.

Ginny: *turns red* No, it isn't. *grabs mouse from Hermione and scrolls* Oh, you'll like this one, Hermione. *reads* "Hermione is totally in love with Harry, but she's afraid he doesn't like her the same way, and what Ron will think? Harry, meanwhile, is secretly in love with Hermione as well, but is afraid she doesn't like him as well, and oh what will Ron think?"

Hermione: Ginny! *grabs the mouse and furiously looks for a story to embarrass Ginny with*

Harry: *chuckles* Why, Hermione, I never knew.

Hermione: *glares at him and mutters* Hot sex with Malfoy...

Harry: *turns a sickly color again*

Ron: *blushing* Why would I care if Harry and Hermione like each other? I mean...it's not like I fancy Hermione or anything...

Draco: *not fully recovered from the thought of he and his father having sex, can only chuckle weakly*

Hermione: Ooh, Ginny, you'll like this one! *reads* "Draco must tutor the suddenly turned temptress Ginny in Potions. Much wild love-making and fights ensue."

Ginny: *blushes a deeper red than Ron* What the hell?! * again takes the mouse* I'll get you for that one.

Draco: *perks up* Now that's more like it! I've always wondered what we'd be like together, Weasely.

Ron: *turns even redder* Lay off my sister, Malfoy!

Draco: *smiles sweetly* Why, I was talking about you, darling.

Ron: *looks on the verge of fainting again*

Ginny: *grins triumphantly* I got it! *reads* "Poor, messed up, suicidal Draco needs selfless, loving, extremely forgiving Hermione to help him. And get him laid."

Draco: *starts laughing semi-hysterically again*

Ron: *begins looking murderous*

Hermione: *throws a disgusted look at both Draco and Ron* Well, how about this one, Ginny dear? *reads* "Ginny and Ron have a very close relationship-"

Ron and Ginny in unison: No!!!

Draco: Yes!!!

Harry: Oh sick...

Hermione: *giggles* Well... *reads* "Fred and George have a very close relationship-"

Ron and Ginny in unison: No!!!

Harry: Sick, sick, sick...

Draco: Okay, that one was over the top even for me. *he grabs the mouse* Why are all the gay ones guy on guy? Where are the girl on girl stories? Ooh, here's a hot one! *reads* "Hermione and Ginny spend a whole lot of time together. Hermione teaches Ginny a whole lot of things, especially when it comes to sex."

Hermione: Malfoy!

Ginny: *kicks Draco and grabs the mouse*

Harry: *considers* Well, that one wasn't so bad...

Hermione and Ginny: *kick Harry*

Ron: Harry, that's my sister you're talking about!

Harry: *lost in thought, staring at Hermione and Ginny* Oh, sorry Ron...

Ginny: This one's funny! *reads* Harry and Ron confess their feeling to each other. Then mad and lecherous slash occurs."

Draco: *roars with laughter again* A weasel getting it on with a potty! *collapses in his chair*

Harry: Perverse... *clutches his stomach*

Ron: *keels over for the third time*

Hermione: That one was actually kind of nice...

Ginny: If it weren't my brother...

Harry: *chokes out while trying not to vomit* You two are sick, revolting... *groans*

Malfoy: *calms down a bit* You two are more fun than I thought you would be. You belong in Slytherin with the other tarts.

Hermione: *glowers at Draco*

Ginny: *quotes* "Draco loves attention from his daddy-"

Draco: No...please...bad thoughts *emits a groan exactly like Harry's*

Hermione: Here, Malfoy, maybe this one will cheer you up, it involves you and your favorite Potions professor...

Draco: *shudders violently* I've never harbored any romantic fantasies involving Snape, thank you very much. He's rather...male. And greasy.

Ginny: How about you and Snape, Harry? Like this story right here? *begins to read, but is cut off by Harry grabbing the mouse*

Harry: *beginning to get angry?* Why am I paired up with my worst enemies? I'm surprised I'm not with Voldemort.

Hermione: *looking at screen* Well, actually...

Harry: Enough! *looks at screen* Here's Malfoy's father and Snape and...ewwww, Malfoy's involved in that one!

Draco: *outraged* My family has better taste than Snape! We would at least deserve a Bill Weasely!

Ron: *disgusted* Like my brother would have the likes of you, Malfoy.

Draco: *ignoring Ron, scrolls down screen* No, apparently my father's taste leans more towards Granger...

Hermione: Give me that! *grabs mouse* This has gone far enough! *she exits Schnoogle, then disconnects from the Internet*

Draco: *groans* Hey, Granger! I was just beginning to enjoy myself!

Ginny: Yeah, come on Hermione! There could be some good ones in there! Like Oliver and Malfoy.

Ron: *looking pained* Ginny...

Harry: I wanted to find some more girl on girl..what was it called? Femmeslash? Preferably Hermione and Ginny together...

[Scene fades out with Draco whining, Ron curled up on the floor on the verge of tears, and Hermione and Ginny beating Harry senseless]

The End!