Lifestyles of the Rich and Wandless

Chapter Four: Malfoy, the Friendly Purple Dinosaur

A while after his second experience as a human pancake (an classy and intimidating Malfoy pancake but a pancake nonetheless), Draco thought it wise to stay within the boundaries of his cousin's house.

He soon realized that he probably would not survive the next year as a Muggle, when he would have to go to school with those disgusting brutes.

So it was there and then that Draco decided that he needed a weapon, a form of self-defence.

That was why he was sitting next to a window, with a pair of Muggle omnioculars pressed firmly to his eyes. His cousin had said that if you focused it, you could see things as if they were much closer. Draco figured if he could see where Big D was skulking about, he could guarantee his safety in other areas - that way he could get out for some exercise.

However, Draco had no such success, as of that moment, all he could see was blackness.

"Hey, Nymphadora! Your stupid Muggle omnioculars don't work!"

"They're called binoculars you idiot, and you probably did something to break it, say, sticking twenty random items in a lens..."

"Hey! Hey! Just twice that happened!"

"Look, can't you just entertain yourself for a single day? My salary as an Auror just isn't worth this! My entire summer, nothing to look forward to but weekly visits from Rem... my friend."

"Just fix this, Nymphadora, and I won't bother you for the rest of the day."

Rolling her eyes, his cousin pushed herself off the sofa and grabbed the Muggle omnioculars from him.

"You forgot to take the lids covering the lens off, you idiot."

"Who's an idiot, the idiot who doesn't know something or the idiot that knows something and..."

"Just because you heard a four-year-old talk like that, it doesn't mean all Muggles do. Now stop acting like a retard and leave me alone."

"Yes, Nymphy," sneered Draco.

"Go away!"

"Suit yourself," said Draco. "By the way, what's the date?"

"Thirteenth of August, now go play with your dolls or something."

"I'll have you know those aren't dolls, but very exquisite fabric figurines," he said, walking away.

"Cross-dresser," he heard his idiot cousin mutter.

"At least I don't have pink hair!"

Okay, Draco. Let's think this through... big lump of fat... no... no... no... no... ah-HA!

He saw the horrible excuse for a humanoid shape standing next to a lamppost, sticking a piece of paper in his mouth, imitating a Brazilian Smoke Whelp, a tiny weeny dragon that breathed out what was nearly steam. It was pretty harmless, and Draco had gotten one for Blaise Zabini for one of her birthdays. Blaise Zabini was pretty hot.

He turned his omnioculars out a different window, so he surveyed what Nymphadora told him was Potter's house. Standing outside on the lawn were the three losers, laughing about something. Potter was carrying a trunk, and Weasley looked like a stuffed turkey. And Granger... well Granger was dancing around like a chicken, flapping her arms and yelling about something.

Draco focused the omnioculars on her.

Some would describe her as attractive, slightly messy curly brown hair, brown eyes which one may describe as 'cinnamon' or 'chocolate' colored... Draco rather thought it was dung colored. Anyway it didn't matter because Granger was a Mudblood...

He watched as the three Gryffindors walked over towards his current position, Potter and Weasley lifting the trunk a few inches off the floor, whereas Granger was laughing heartily about something.

They were getting closer and closer, until all Draco could see was a big blob of pink. It was a few seconds later when he realized that he was staring straight at Granger's far too revealing shirt. Mind you, she didn't look all that bad actually... of course not as good as a Pureblood would but...

"And what are you doing, little peeping Tom?" said Potter.

Draco nearly dropped the omnioculars in shock.

Standing in front of him, were the three freaks themselves!

"Nice look, Malfoy," sneered Weasley. "Steal that from Loserland?"

He looked down at his Muggle attire, and honestly couldn't see what was wrong with it. Nor did he know what Loserland was, just that anything that came out of Weasley's mouth probably included either sick thoughts or material suitable for a five-year old squabble.

"I'll have you know, Weasley, I bought this Muggle suit from the men's section in a very prestigious Muggle store called Toys R Us..."

Potter and Granger fell over laughing, whilst Weasley looked clueless - well... more clueless than he usually did.

"Whatever, Malfoy," sneered Weasley again. "Where's Tonks, she's supposed to take us to... well we're supposed to go somewhere with her."

The losers are going back to Hogwarts! Damn!

"Find her yourself," sneered Draco, turning away.

"Never thought you liked Barney that much, Malfoy!" he heard Potter yell from behind, and he heard Granger shriek with laughter before he walked up the stairs.

***

"What do you mean I have to shop for my uniform?" sneered Draco a few afternoons later.

"You're going to the Muggle school in a week," said his cousin, exasperated. "You have to wear their uniform..."

"Fine!" snapped Draco. "Take me now, then."

"That's what I was going to do..." said his cousin, grabbing keys and pushing the door open violently.

"Ah, a week until I'm free of this little ferret!" exclaimed his cousin joyfully, well aware that he was standing right next to her. And furthermore, how did she know what that idiot Auror did to him back in fourth year...

"I'll have you know that I'm 100% human being, unlike you, you halfblood," sneered Draco.

Tonks slapped him.

"Ah!" he cried. "Hey, I just used that Muggle moisturizing cream!"

Tonks' mouth fell open.

It was not attractive, Draco decided, and opened the Muggle car door and sat down in the Muggle-infested chair.

"I don't even use moisturizing cream," he heard his cousin mutter as she came into the other side of the car and inserted the keys in.

"Ha! I finally beat you in something!" exclaimed Draco proudly. "See, being a Muggle isn't that hard at all. My style is infinitely better than yours..."

Tonks smirked.

"Tell that to the sundress you're wearing."

***

"...oh, and make sure you buy some pumpkin pasties too," said Draco, rattling off a list of much needed wizarding food to his disgruntled cousin. "Oh, and exchange two hundred Galleons into Muggle money for me, I'll need it to survive this year..."

Draco's last week was rather uneventful, besides a brief run-in with Big D and his fellow brainless representatives of the Muggle world, resulting in his purple Muggle suit (with the elegant curve of material that Tonks said looked like a tail) being ripped into a shreds. Strangely, they had sung him a song when they beat him up. It went something like 'I hate you, you hate me, you can drink a stray dog's pee...' It was not at all pleasant, as they made him swallow some decidedly disgusting off-color pumpkin juice afterwards.

Draco strolled outside in his school uniform to look around the Muggle neighborhood one more time, and if he was lucky, find some weapon he could use to smash the Muggle pavement into pieces... although that would probably just make it even more difficult to walk around on.

At least he was leaving tomorrow, he thought. No more meetings with uber-lard and his pimply sidekicks.

"Hey," he heard a lazy girl's voice say. "You're new around here."

He jumped around, prepared to scream and run away in case it was another member of Big D's gang.

Thankfully, it appeared to be just an ordinary, albeit dead gorgeous girl leaning against a post.

Time for the Malfoy charm, he thought to himself.

"Actually," said Draco slowly, leaning on his cousin's car in what he assumed was a cool, nonchalant way. "I've been here all summer. How come I haven't seen such beauty like the likes of you?"

The girl raised her eyebrows and started backing away slowly.

"Er... I've just come home from my holiday in Bulgaria," said the girl, rambling. "Oh what was that? Oh I think I hear my mother calling, bye now!"

"But wait! My name's Draco Malfoy!"

Doh! Name of Malfoy means squat with Muggles!

"Liz Tovey," said the girl, and practically ran away.

Stupid Muggle world! It even ruins the Malfoy charm!

"I'm going to Smeltings' Muggle... er... School!" hollered Draco. "Maybe I'll see you there!"

Rejection was not a good feeling, Draco found out.

And neither was hunger. Nor constipation. Nor being stabbed in the back with a dagger...

But that was beside the point.

"You're going where, blondie?" sneered a voice from behind him.

Big D! And he was carrying several circus tents!

"What?" said Draco blankly.

"What school did you say you were going to?"

"Smeltings, you big lump of crap," sneered Draco.

"Well, what do you know?" said Big D, smirking. "Guess our dorm is going to be a lot more lively this year!"

And much to Draco's horror, he saw Big D whip out a Smeltings cane identical to his own, and as the fat boy unrolled what Draco had thought were circus tents, he saw a shirt and some trousers identical (save a couple of hundred sizes bigger) to the ones he so proudly donned there and then.

"Damn," Draco said softly. "I really should have chosen Azkaban."