The Thirteenth Day of Christmas
- Story Summary:
- Sequel to The Twelve Days of Christmas. Ron faces the consequences of singing his...er... song. Includes the Return of the King, I mean, potted plants, mobs, T.V. characters, oh, and a little part where AmethystPhoenix is punished. Random, insane... what do you think?
- Author's Note:
- I have no idea what came over me as I was writing this. I intended it to be a nice little sequel, a wrap-up, but no, it had to become very insane. Not sure if this is as good as the first... hope it is...
The Thirteenth Day of Christmas
Ron Weasley was in trouble. Big trouble. Hagrid-sized... no, Fridwulfa-sized trouble. You know how when you're little, you think you can stick your finger up your nose all the way to your eyes, and when you try, your finger gets stuck, plus it hurts? Well Ron was in even bigger trouble. More trouble than Harry ever was in during any of the times he faced Voldemort.
Well, er, to be truthful, Voldemort was there. Oh, and I suppose Draco Malfoy, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Snape, Colin, Neville, Fleur (who had somehow appeared in Hogwarts due to a plot hole), Tonks (also there, compliments a la plot hole), and we can't forget Lily Potter, who is suddenly alive because I said so, as well. They were all wearing pink ballet tutus and dancing the Nutcracker. NOT!
No, it was worse than that. [AmethystPhoenix shudders while thinking about her next revelation.] No, much worse. The twelve people in front of Ron were very angry. So angry.
"We no like your songy," Malfoy said in a caveman-like voice. Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he pulled out a script, glaring at AmethystPhoenix while doing so. "Hey! Me no like script! Why my voice like this? Me educated! Me no stupid!"
"Like, obviously, like, duh, like, yeah, like, you are," Harry said, checking over his suddenly perfectly manicured nails. He screamed (girlishly), and pulled out his own copy of the script. "Like, why, like, am I, like, like this?" he said furiously.
"Because AmethystPhoenix wishes you to be hilarious," AmethystPhoenix said. "AmethystPhoenix wants you to start over."
"Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?" Hermione asked.
Malfoy scowled, and said, "We no like your songy. We going to torture you." Everyone laughed the clichéd, evil laugh (you know, MUAHAHAHA), and... did a strip tease. Oh, the horror!
They danced around Ron, chanting, "Kill the beast! Spill its blood! Kill the beast! Spill its blood! Kill the beast! Spill its blood!" A bonfire appeared out of nowhere, and began to conume Ron.
"STOP!" AmethystPhoenix screamed. The bonfire disappeared, and everyone sullenly got back into their clothes. Ron was whimpering in the centre of the circle, covering his eyes and rocking back and forth. Colin was checking Snape out. ("Ewww," said Harry.)
"Wrong chant!" AmethystPhoenix said. "You're supposed to be a mob!"
The twelve looked at each other, shrugged, and began to sing, "Kill the beast, kill the beast, kill the beast!"
"We won't rest 'till he's dead!" Snape called. Ron got up, and started sprinting through the corridors of the school, the mob chasing him, singing, "Kill the beast, kill the beast, kill the beast!" with a long squarish log known as a door ram.
"Wait a second!" Hermione said. "Why are we only singing 'kill the beast'? Where's the rest of the song?"
AmethystPhoenix considered something, and said, "Because AmethystPhoenix forgot the rest of the song. She hasn't watched 'Beauty and the Beast' for six years." Then Hermione was zapped with a lightning bolt for no apparent reason.
Ron stopped abruptly. And screamed. And screamed some more. "Hello, Ronnie," the large purple dinosaur in front of him said.
Ron turned to face AmethystPhoenix. "Uh... Amethyst?" he said. "I was lying when I said my greatest fear was spiders. It's really Barney."
"I know!" AmethystPhoenix said, cackling madly (MUAHAHAHA!).
Barney began to sing.
I love you, you love me,
We're a big happy family,
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you (Ron screamed in terror)
Won't you say you love me too?
Ron screamed for ten minutes straight. AmethystPhoenix stood there with a watch, looking impatient. "Enough already!" she said.
Ron stopped, and scowled. "It says to scream for twenty minutes on the script."
AmethystPhoenix looked at him. "Oh, well, then. Carry on."
Ron screamed for another ten minutes, then stopped.
Just then, there was a disturbance. Malfoy, Harry, Colin, and Neville came down the corridor, shirtless and tan. "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?" they chanted. "Who let the dogs out? Who? Wh-"
"STOP!" AmethystPhoenix said. "First of all, Malfoy, you," she said, pointing at Malfoy, "aren't supposed to be tan. You're supposed to be elegantly pale. And you," she said, pointing at Harry, "are also supposed to be pale. And you," she added, pointing at Colin, "are supposed to be mousy. And you," she said, pointing at Neville, "are supposed to be chubby." The four boys scowled as their Caribbean tans left them. Colin was glancing at Malfoy and Harry with interest.
"Now, then," AmethystPhoenix said. "You're not supposed to do that. Get back to your make-up rooms! No trying to imitate the Baja Men ever again!"
Someone swung into the castle on a rope, going through an open window opened by a nice little plot hole. "Barbossa, I am the ghost of Christmas past!" he exclaimed. "Savvy?"
"Wrong place, Jack," AmethystPhoenix snarled. "Go away!"
Jack Sparrow shrugged. "I heard you say something about the Caribbean," he said. He sighed, and went back to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' fan fiction realm, where he starred in a parody on the Christmas Carol.
"Now, then," AmethystPhoenix said.
"Hold on!" Harry said, pulling out a card. "I am a member of O.W.L. C.R.A.P., or OOC Writers Legion Called to Ruin Awesome People (in canon)! That means I can act OOC at any time, and that means I can act like one of the Baja Men if I wanted to!"
"That's not real!" AmethystPhoenix said.
Harry scowled, and put his card away. "But MoNkEyBeAtEr, a.k.a. L.S. Song, said it was a good idea!" he whined.
"Stop interrupting the story!" AmethystPhoenix said.
Harry and the others stormed away, muttering about how L.S. Song's 'Twilight' and AgiVega's 'If the Fates Allow' actually had plots.
"Back to the plot," AmethystPhoenix said, emphasising 'plot' so the four could hear.
There was a bright light above, and a cardboard puppet among paper clouds appeared. The cardboard puppet was dressed in all black, with chains and sunglasses. He had a 'bling-bling' and had a bandana tied around his head. "Yo, name's God," he said. "Wassup, Homie-R?"
Ron looked at him. "You're not God!" he exclaimed. "God's not made out of cardboard, and he wears brown monk's robes! And he's got a white beard!"
"Wha' you talkin' about, man?" God said. "Yo, man, dis is blazin', being God. Who says I'm not made of cardboard, yo?"
"Uh... all right," Ron said.
God pointed his 'bling-bling' at a bush that randomly found itself in the castle. It burst into blue flames. "What was that for?" Ron said.
"Hell of it," God said, shrugging. "Yo, man, you got some problems, yo!"
"So what do I do to get rid of them?" Ron said.
"Yo, how should I know? I just came here, 'cuz the sun's blazin' here! Never thought E-land would have sun, but hey!" God said, disappearing.
"You know, AmethystPhoenix, you need a beta. You spelled lots of words wrong in that last part. Look at all those red lines!" Ron exclaimed.
"That's because God talks like that," AmethystPhoenix said, swinging God's 'bling-bling' around. She had filched it from him.
"Eh? Who said my name?" Filch said.
"No one, Filch!" everyone present said.
"Besides," AmethystPhoenix said. "Favrielle and ephemera are busy already with my other fic. And this is only a one-shot!"
Finally, the mob reached Ron. (Remember the mob?) They had somehow switched to singing the 'Circle of Life'.
"The Circle of Life..." Lily warbled. She glanced at her script. "No fair! That's my only solo line!"
"The Circle of Life..." Tonks sang. She glanced at her script. "Hey! That's my only line too!"
"Ze Circle of Life..." Fleur screeched. Everyone covered their ears. Fleur haughtily looked at her script, and screamed. "Zat's my only line!"
Ginny smirked, then looked at her script. Her eyes widened. "I don't have any lines!" she said.
Voldemort looked at his script. "Hmm. Not bad. Got twenty 'MUAHAHAHA's in scene twenty."
"Ah, but we cut that scene," AmethystPhoenix said apologetically.
Voldemort began to weep. "O.W.L. C.R.A.P.!" Harry said, holding his card out.
"Owl crap?" Ron said. "That's worse than spew!"
"It's S.P.W.E.!" Hermione said.
Everyone's jaw dropped. "Did Hermione just spell something wrong?" Ron said disbelievingly.
"Actually, Hermione is truly stupid, and reads off her script in the books," AmethystPhoenix said.
"No wonder we always get Ds on our assignments!" Harry said, pulling out one of Hermione's assignments, and her Revealer. He rubbed the Revealer on the assignment, and the O changed to a T. "A T?"
Ron looked at the sentence above this one. "At? Harry, why'd you say 'at'?"
"I said A 'T'!" Harry argued.
"But you're missing the little marks around the 'T'," Ron said.
"That's all the author's fault!" Malfoy said.
"We quit!" Voldemort sobbed. The thirteen characters ran off into the sunset, singing.
On the first day of Christmas,
I gave to me,
A Firebolt in a pear tree!
Their voices faded as they ran farther. AmethystPhoenix sighed, and sat dejectedly on a tree stump that had appeared from a plot hole. "So much for the 'Thirteenth Day of Christmas," she said. "AmethystPhoenix should stop talking about herself in the third person," she... I mean, I said. I sighed, and looked down at the ground.
"Kill AmethystPhoenix!" MoNkEyBeAtEr yelled, waving a torch.
"She's put us in her insane story!" Favrielle agreed, taking out a rope noose.
"Burn her!" ephemera cried, pulling out one of those large metal barrels of gasoline, and a pack of matches.
AgiVega looked confused. "Er... ephemera? How exactly did you fit something that big in your pocket?"
"I dunno. Plot hole?" ephemera said, shrugging.
AgiVega nodded in agreement, and pulled out one of those swords from 'Pirates of the Carribean'.
"AgiVega, I must ask you to put that weapon away," McGonagall said sternly, appearing out of nowhere. "No knives are permitted in the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." AgiVega raised an eyebrow.
"Here," MoNkEyBeAtEr said, handing AgiVega a vial of acid. "I got this from Snape's 'Lethal and Dangerous' cabinet."
"Snape marks his cabinets?" Favrielle asked. "Oh, well. Who cares?" She grinned evilly.
"Let us join you in killing AmethystPhoenix! She has made many characters sick in our pots!" the potted plants of the Great Hall said, holding slings and stones.
With a scream, AmethystPhoenix sprinted off, MoNkEyBeAtEr, AgiVega, Favrielle, ephemera, and the potted plants chasing after her. Oops... I mean, I ran off, with them chasing me.
AmethystPhoenix... I mean, I, knew how to stop this madness. "Ron!" the poor author known as AmethystPhoenix called. (Aw, forget it, AmethystPhoenix will never talk in the first person!)
"What?" Ron said, appearing out of nowhere and looking miffed.
"Help me! Get me out of this mad place!" AmethystPhoenix said.
Ron sighed. "What do I do?" he said.
"Sing the last verse! The Thirteenth Day of Christmas! Even though it doesn't exist!"
AmethystPhoenix's betas and MoNkEyBeAtEr and AgiVega and the potted plants were gaining on AmethystPhoenix.
Ron opened his mouth.
On the Thirteenth Day of Christmas,
AmethystPhoenix gave to me,
Thirteen messed up fanfics,
Twelve different curses,
Eleven wet handkerchiefs,
Ten Auror pamphlets,
Nine heavenly songfests (AmethystPhoenix sighs. "I'd rather it was with Malfoy," she said. Ron glared at her, then continued.)
Eight squirting plants,
Seven blackmail pictures,
Six carts of hair gel,
Five Quidditch tickets,
Four Dreadful O.W.L.s,
Three Chocolate Frogs,
Two large kisses,
And a Firebolt in a pear tree!
AmethystPhoenix landed in her chair, in front of her computer once more. "Phew! That was close!" she said.
"Not so fast," said the potted plant in the corner. It pulled out AgiVega's discarded sword. "You hurt my brothers and sisters! My parents, my poor elderly grandparents!"
"Plants have grandparents?" Malfoy said, popping in. The plant glared at him. Malfoy looked confused. "Wait a minute, how did you just glare at me? You don't have eyes!" The plant glared at him again. Malfoy sighed, and left.
"I'll kill you!" howled the potted plant.
"Not so fast!" Ron said, flinging the plant out the window.
"Thanks," AmethystPhoenix said. "Hey, Ron, are you willing to sing another song?"
"No," Ron said. AmethystPhoenix shrugged.
He left her alone, and she began to type the next insane fic of hers, humming Ron's Twelve Days of Christmas... with an added day.
Thousands of miles away, in Scotland, J.K. Rowling decided to go onto a fan fiction site, despite the fact that she would probably go mad because of it. She clicked on Amethyst Phoenix's 'The Thirteenth Day of Christmas', and promptly got out a battle-axe to murder this AmethystPhoenix who dared to destroy her characters.
And up in heaven, God went onto the mortals' internet, and looked into a site called Fiction Alley. He clicked on a story called 'The Thirteenth Day of Christmas'. And promptly condemned this AmethystPhoenix to H-E double hockey sticks for his portrayal in the fic.
And in the canon books, just as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were about to leave Order of the Phoenix and enter the sixth book, they were suddenly transported to 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', where they promptly screamed in horror at the nightmare world that had been created.
Author notes: Thank you to my reviewers! Especially all of you who requested the sequel. Guess what? I'm happy!!! Whee!!!
Also, thank you to Favrielle, ephemera, MoNkEyBeAteR, and AgiVega for letting me use their names in this fic. You can all come after me in a mob now. ::cowers::