Rating:
PG-13
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Ron Weasley
Genres:
Humor Parody
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 12/27/2003
Updated: 12/27/2003
Words: 1,068
Chapters: 1
Hits: 1,457

The Twelve Days of Christmas

AmethystPhoenix

Story Summary:
Ron sings 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'... his own way! Plus: interjections from Hermione, Harry, and you can't forget Malfoy. Absolutely no plot, and very random, but who cares? Small reference to R/Hr.

Chapter Summary:
Ron sings 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'... his own way! Plus: Interjections from Hermione, Harry, and you can't forget Malfoy. Absolutely no plot, and very random, but who cares? Small reference to R/Hr.
Posted:
12/27/2003
Hits:
1,457
Author's Note:
Uh, the summary explains it all. No plot, but who cares? And yes, I know I'm a bit late, but this just uses Christmas as an excuse. And by the way, R/Hr is the only ship in here.


The Twelve Days of Christmas (performed by Ronald Weasley)

Ron stood up on top of the Gryffindor table, triumphantly holding a magic megaphone. "Ron!" Hermione hissed. "Sit down!"

Ron ignored her, and began to sing:

On the first day of Christmas,

I gave to myself,

A Firebolt in a pear tree!

Malfoy: No bloody way, Weasley! You're too poor!

Ron: (ignores Malfoy)

On the second day of Christmas,

Hermione gave to me,

Two large kisses, (blushes)

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

Harry: (snickers)

Hermione: (appalled) Ron!

McGonagall: That's hardly appropriate, Mr. Weasley!

Ron: Sorry, Professor.

On the third day of Christmas,

Harry gave to me...

Harry: (turns nasty shade of green to match his eyes)

Ron: Er...

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two... large... kisses... (sounds constipated)

Harry: (Is sick in one of the potted plants conveniently placed throughout the Great Hall)

Ron: Uh...

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas,

Snape gave to me,

Snape: (narrows eyes) Weasley...

Ron: (is nervous)

Four dreadful O.W.L.s...

Snape: (mutters) Too true.

Ron: Here goes nothing.

Threechoclatefrostwolarkissandfirebolinpeartree! (rushes words and then takes large breath)

Dumbledore: (looks amused) What was that, Mr. Weasley?

McGonagall: (glares at him)

Ron: Right, then.

On the fifth day of Christmas,

Ginny gave to me,

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Ginny: How?

Ron: (continues)

Three Chocolate Frogs...

Two large kisses, (looks nauseous)

And a Firebolt in a pear tree! (winces as he hits a sour note)

Ginny: You're disgusting, Ron! That's incest!

Ron: (looks embarrassed)

On the sixth day of Christmas,

Malfoy gave to me,

Malfoy: (interrupts) Nothing.

Ron: (glares at him)

Six carts of hair gel,

Malfoy: (scowls) That's my entire stock of hair gel, Weasley!

Ron: (rolls eyes)

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Malfoy: Poisoned.

Ron: (glares, then pauses as he thinks)

Malfoy: Get on with it!

Ron: (grins evilly)

Two large kisses to Harry...

Harry: Ron! You bloody sod!

Malfoy: You wish, Wea- wait a second... POTTER? Weasley, you bastard!

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy! Five points from Slytherin!

Ron: (looks happy)

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

Malfoy: Jinxed. Or cursed.

Ron: (takes a breath)

On the seventh day of Christmas,

Colin gave to me,

Seven blackmail pictures,

Harry: (wheels to face Colin) Of who?

Colin: (shakes in fear) Mimble wimble meep eep.

Ron: (doesn't notice)

Six carts of hair gel,

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two...er...

Malfoy: (smirks) Large kisses! Oh, Creevey! You're so bloody sexy! Oh Creevey! I find mousy boys so attractive! (starts hugging himself)

Slytherins: (edge away from Malfoy)

Harry: Okay, Ron, continue.

Ron: All right.

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

On the eighth day of Christmas,

Neville gave to me,

Eight squirting plants,

Seven blackmail pictures,

Harry: (wheels on Neville) Of who?

Neville: (shakes in fright) N-no one, Harry. R-ron's just m-making it u-u-up.

Ron: Yeah!

Six carts of hair gel,

Malfoy: Better not tell me you filched it from me, Longbottom!

Filch: Eh? Who said my name?

Dumbledore: (looks more amused) Nothing, Argus. Young Mr. Malfoy was talking about stolen items...

Filch: What?

McGonagall: Nothing.

Ron: Er...

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two... oh, never mind,

Harry: Cheater!

Ron: (looks smug)

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

On the ninth day of Christmas,

Fleur gave to me,

Hermione: (scowls)

Parvati: Ooooh!

Ron: (blushes)

Nine heavenly snogfests,

Half the boys present: (swoon)

McGonagall: Five points from Gryffindor!

Ron: (looks miffed)

Eight squirting plants (blushes)

Harry: Ugh!

Hermione: You two have such dirty minds...

Ron: No!

Seven blackmail pictures,

Six carts of hair gel,

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two large kisses (daydreams)

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

Hermione: (sighs) Honestly...

Ron: (rolls eyes)

On the tenth day of Christmas,

Tonks gave to me...

Malfoy: My Mudblood cousin gave you Mudblood germs. Just like Granger has.

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy! Detention!

Ron: Ha!

Ten Auror pamphlets,

Nine heavenly snogsfests (pauses, and considers it)

Eight squirting plants (blushes)

Harry: Bloody hell, Ron...

Hermione: Honestly!

Ron: (rolls eyes again)

Seven blackmail pictures,

Seamus: Of what?

Dean: (sniggers)

Ron: (blushes)

Six carts of hair gel,

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two large kisses (looks like a tomato by now)

Hermione: Honestly, Ron...

Ron: Uh...

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

On the eleventh day of Christmas,

My... (thinks) I mean, Harry's mum gave to me,

Harry: (groans)

Ron: Better yours than mine!

Eleven wet handkerchiefs,

Ten Auror pamphlets,

Nine...heavenly... snogfests... (turns more red with every word)

Harry: (faints from the mental picture)

Snape: (looks ill)

Ron: Right...

Eight squirting plants-

Malfoy: Potter's dad's plants!

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy! Another detention!

Harry: (groggily) What about plants?

Snape: (is sick in another conveniently placed potted plant)

Hermione: Dirty... boys...

Ron: Ahem,

Seven blackmail pictures,

Malfoy: Potter in a pink bikini- (realises what he just said, and turns green from mental image)

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy!

Snape: (is sick again)

Half the girls present: (swoon)

Harry: (is sick in potted plant next to him)

Ron: Er... yeah.

Six carts of hair gel...

Malfoy: That she didn't give to Potter!

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy, if you don't stop...

Ron: Yeah, shut up, Malfoy!

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Two large kisses,

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

Harry: Never sing about my mother again. (is green)

Ron: Er...

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

You-Know-Who gave to me,

Harry: What? (looks alarmed)

Ron: Uh...

Twelve different curses,

Malfoy: (looks excited) What curses, Weasley?

Ron: (glares)

Eleven wet handkerchiefs, (looks confused)

Ten Auror pamphlets,

Hermione: Ron, be realistic. Where would he get-

Ron: (interrupts)

Nine... heavenly...(throws up in another potted plant)

Malfoy: (derisively) As if he'd even consider it.

Ron: (gets up)

Eight squirting plants,

Harry: No comments!

Ron: (looks gratefully at Harry)

Seven blackmail pictures,

Six carts of hair gel,

Five Quidditch tickets,

Four dreadful O.W.L.s,

Three Chocolate Frogs,

Neville: Don't eat them, Ron! They're probably poisoned!

Ron: (shrugs)

Two... nothing.

Dudley: Cheater!

Hermione: How did you get here? Hogwarts, A History clearly states that no Muggles can see-

Dudley: (interrupts) Plot hole.

Hermione: Ah.

Ron: Er...

And a Firebolt in a pear tree!

Ron got off the table. "You know, Ron, that was just totally OOC and random," Harry said.

"I know," Ron said. "But this is a Riddikulus fic, after all."


Author notes: No, Ron was not implying H/D in here. I don't write slash. (Nothing against it, but I don't feel comfortable writing it.)

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