Dude, Where's My Halloween Rubber Stamp?

Dude, Where's My Halloween Rubber Stamp?

A Death Eater Tale... I think

"Oops, I did it again..."

Lucius Malfoy rolled his eyes. Was he the only one in this god-forsaken place who took his job seriously? This was Death Eater HQ, not Open Mic Night. Yet here Nott was, crooning... Lucius didn't even want to think about it. If he did, he would have picked up his wand, and (after making sure it was not a rubber trout in disguise) gone off to kill whoever had created that... cacophony. Snorting, he turned away and sipped at his Mai Tai, blessing whoever created the drink. Almost. He actually only promised not to use the Cruciatus Curse on them before he killed them. Oh, well. Such was the personality of Mr. Malfoy.

The creator of Mai Tais was actually lucky. Lucius was in a good mood that day. He had not had to go on one of his Master's errands at all yet, and Draco was still under the illusion that Death Eaters were really as evil as the wizarding world thought. Lucius shuddered to think what would happen if anyone found out what really went on at Death Eater HQ.

The music stopped. Lucius sighed in relief as Nott got off the stage. He turned back around and faced the wall again, not wanting to talk with any of his colleagues. At least... he thought they were colleagues. They were all rather insane. Maybe he was just as insane as all of them. Oh, no, what if he really was insane? No! HE COULD NOT BE INSANE! Music started playing in his mind. NO! He was going insane! No one else could hear the music... Lucius whimpered.

There was a tap on his shoulder. Lucius shrieked. No! Now he was seeing people who no one else could see! No, he was becoming more like the Muggle king, George III. No! "Calm down, Lucy," said Bella. She frowned at him. Lucius looked at her outfit. It was rather... pink. She was wearing a ballet tutu, complete with the shoes and tights. She even had a little fairy wand. Her outfit at HQ. What Muggles and non-Death Eaters didn't know was that Bella's day job was Substitute Tooth Fairy. And Roldophus was the Easter Bunny. One year, they had forced Lucius into becoming Santa Claus. Now, that was a nightmare. Lucius' greatest fear was children. And biscuits. And... the horror... he was almost ashamed to admit it... ribbons and bows.

"You... you can hear the music too?" whispered Lucius fearfully, cringing in fright.

Bellatrix's face lit up in an almost cartoon-character smile. "'Course I can, silly-Lucy. Care to dance, my teddy bear?"

Lucius counted to ten. Then he imagined Bella in her knickers. Bad idea. He went catatonic for a second, then nodded stupidly. Bella dragged him onto the dance floor, where many others were already dancing to the beat. Lucius nearly vomited when he saw Crabbe Sr. and Goyle Sr. (he had no idea what their first names were) rubbing their behinds together in a caveman-ish dance.

Someone started to sing. "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world... it's fantastic, I'm made of plastic! You can brush my hair..." The voice was obviously a falsetto, and Lucius glimpsed a figure in modest black robes on the stage. That is, until the figure reached the line, "Undress me everywhere..." He pulled a Britney Spears and ripped the robes off, revealing a tight-tight shirt and of course, leather trousers.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah," the person sang. "Oohoohooh, oohoohooh..." Lucius stopped for a moment. Where had he heard that voice before? No... it wasn't Potter... It wasn't until Lucius saw the very familiar blond hair when he realised who it was...

"DRACO! GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Lucius roared. His seventeen year old son was...

The music stopped abruptly. Draco blinked owlishly down at his father, who was quickly turning the colour of a tomato, even though that was physically impossible for a Malfoy. "What. Are. You. Doing. Here?" Lucius ground out from between clenched teeth.

"The Dark Lord invited me," Draco said coolly. "Hey, Father, did you know he actually gave me these leather trousers? And the shirt? He's cool."

Cool? Lucius wondered what that word meant. All he could think of was... he didn't want to think about it. And he wondered why Draco was talking about hay. "Draco, get down here!" he hissed.

"No!"

"No?" Lucius said in shock.

"Nope." Draco blew a raspberry at Lucius. Then he said in a sing-song voice, "You can't make me, you can't make me..." He turned around, and wagged his behind at Lucius, chanting, "You can't make me, so kiss my arse..."

"Okay!" squeaked Horny, a.k.a. Wormtail. He ran up the stage, lips puckered. Draco squealed, then covered his bottom with his hands, backing up against the wall. Horny looked disgruntled and disappointed. "Sirius let me kiss his arse..." he whined.

Bella snorted. "And then he screamed and jumped up fifty feet into the air," she muttered. "And he never talked to you again." She looked pensive. "Come to think of it, he wasn't talking to you; he was talking to Potter, who was standing right next to you."

Horny's jaw dropped. "He and James were gay?"

Lucius nearly choked on the irony. Bella rolled her eyes. "No, Pettigrew, he was joking. But you took it seriously."

"Oh," Horny said, looking downcast. "Because Harry's arse is just wonderful."

Lucius gagged. He ran out of the room as quickly as he could, and was tempted to owl Harry Potter and tell him to run for his life. But that would be helping the enemy, and that wouldn't work out. Instead, he made his way to the Torture Room. There was nothing better than watching torture, except for drinking coffee and watching torture.

Avada Kedavra was not a killing curse. Lucius was ashamed to admit it. No, it actually only transported its victim's souls into the Torture Room for all eternity. So, no, technically, they weren't dead.

The Torture Room resembled a Muggle Living Room, complete with a wide-screen television. Lucius stayed behind the safety of the glass window, watching gleefully as the victims shrank against the wall, screaming in terror.

The Diggory boy was weeping in fear. James Potter looked ashen. Lily Potter looked like she was on the brink of insanity. Frank Bryce's face looked like he had just seen a vampire. The Prewetts and the Bones were screaming in agony as their eyes burned from what was on the television screen in front of them.

"Hello, kids!" the giant purple dinosaur in the screen said cheerfully. "Remember, always share!" He linked arms with a group of children (Lucius absolutely knew they had to be under the Imperius Curse) and began to sing. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?" A green dinosaur blew a kiss at the victims, and they screamed loudly.

"Ahhh! NOT THE TELETUBBIES!" screeched Marlene McKinnon. It was too late. The Teletubbies began to giggle and run about, wagging their backsides against the screen. The victims screamed in terror.

Lucius began to scream as well, from prolonged exposure. The door to the Viewing Chamber opened, and Voldemort strode in, picking at his large afro with a pocket comb. Lucius just stared at him. So that was what Voldemort was doing all of last year. Lucius had merely thought he was depressed that he had not gotten the prophecy the year before last year. But he had been growing an afro.

"Yo, dude, did you see Episode 45 of the Teletubbies anywhere around here?" Voldemort asked. He sounded like a one of those beach boys.

"What is it for, my lord?" Lucius asked politely.

Voldemort looked at him. Lucius gulped. Finally, he said, "Dude, it's Darth Voldemort! Yo, I did not escape Yobledore and Harry Skywalker just so I could be called 'my lord' over and over again!"

"Yes, Darth Voldemort," Lucius said. The Dark Lord was a great fan of Star Wars. He even wrote fan fiction, which was posted on fanfiction.net, under the pen name 'IH8HairyPothead'. Lucius had read one of Voldemort's fics, titled Passions of the Dark Side. It wasn't too bad, actually. Even though it was rated G when it was really NC-17, and was a romance/angst slash fic with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. And yes, the grammar and spelling was horrible, but who on fanfiction.net did not write with horrible grammar and spelling? Besides, the Dark Lord wrote with many eloquent words, such as... such as... eleckibokia. Lucius had no idea what that meant, but he knew it had to be a real word, or the Dark Lord would not have used it.

"Yeah, yeah, dude, whatever," Darth Voldemort said. "Where's Episode 45?"

"Er..."

"Never mind," Darth Voldemort said, sweeping into the Torture Room. "OI! YOU LOT! WHERE'S MY EPISODE 45 OF THE TELETUBBIES?"

With a shaking hand, Gideon Prewett handed Voldemort a video tape.

Voldemort yanked the tape out of his hand, and swept off, raking the comb through his afro. "My l- Darth Voldemort, what is the tape for?" Lucius asked, trailing after his Master.

"This?" Darth Voldemort turned and held the tape in front of Lucius, breathing heavily, like Darth Vader. He let out a clichéd, evil villain laugh. "MUAHAHAHA!" He stopped abruptly and looked back at Lucius. "This? I'm sick of sending Potter images of me torturing you lot. It's not fun anymore. So I'm sending this ver our link instead." He seemed to have stopped saying 'dude'.

Lucius almost felt sorry for Potter. Episode 45 was the one where the Teletubbies strip-tease, oh, excuse me, teach children how to remove and put on their clothes properly. Potter was going to have a scarred mind in addition to his scarred forehead.

He followed his Master to the Ickle Potty Room (dubbed by Bella, who seemed to have an obsession with Harry's baby teeth, as well as an infant Harry). Voldemort strapped what looked like a bicycle helmet to his head ("It helps me get into his mind," he had explained) and popped the tape into an opening in the helmet. Lucius glared at the tape. Death Eater torture tapes were fun to make. He and Bella loved being the main characters of a movie, even though only Potter would see it. Besides, wriggling on the ground in pretend pain was rather entertaining (though Lucius would never admit it out loud).

Voldemort giggled as who-knows-what floated through his head. Lucius resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Finally, the Dark Lord removed the device and began to mould his afro back into a perfect shape. "I've spread the episode through Potter, and even got it into Weasley's mind!" he said in glee. "Oh, this is going to be perfect! Lucius, has our camera been installed into the dormitory?"

"Yes, Darth Voldemort," Lucius said.

"Brilliant," Voldemort said as he dashed off to his next destination. Lucius was horrified to see that they were going back to the Throne Room (Voldemort had named it after the Throne Room in Star Wars: Episode I) where most of the Death Eaters were having their Open Mic Night. No, it wasn't supposed to be an Open Mic Night. But it had become one.

Lucius, if possible, grew even more horrified as he saw that Draco was now wearing Bella's pink ballet tutu, and singing 'I'm Not a Boy, Not Yet a Transvestite'. Horny was snogging Regulusa Black, who wasn't really dead. Regulus Black had actually become a transvestite, and had renamed himself Regulusa Black. Sirius Black had just been too ashamed to admit it, so he had pretended his brother was dead.

With a howl, Draco launched himself off the stage, and into the mess that was Horny and Regulusa. He obviously had not been aiming for them, since he shrieked and jumped into Bella's arms, screaming, "Aunty Bella!"

Lucius fainted.

***

When Lucius came to, everyone was dressed in pajamas and pink bunny rabbit slippers. A new Death Eater was about to be initiated, therefore, all of them needed to be in Initiation Uniform. Lucius quickly put his Initiation Uniform on, and stood next to Voldemort. Bella, who was exempt from the rule and wearing her tutu, waved at him from Voldemort's other side.

The doors to the Throne Room opened, and Mr./Mrs. Zabini walked in. No one knew Zabini's gender, and he/she had done the anatomically impossible and had a child with himself/herself. He/she had no spouse, and Blaise Zabini, his/her offspring, was also genderless.

Blaise had also brought in his/her girlfriend and boyfriend. Since even he/she didn't know his/her own gender, he/she had both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. On one arm was Pansy Parkinson (Draco gasped and fainted when he saw her on Blaise's arm) and on the other was Theodore Nott.

"Dude! Welcome!" Lucius rolled his eyes. Voldemort had started the 'dude' thing again. The Dark Lord raked a spidery hand through his afro, and said, "So, Zabini, is it your son/daughter I am initiating tonight?"

"Yep," Zabini said.

"What's your son/daughter's name?" Voldemort asked.

"Yep," Zabini said again. Darth Voldemort just stared at him.

"Right, dude," he said slowly. "All right, Blaise," he said, turning to a shaking, obviously nervous Blaise. "Just a few questions, dude/dudette, and then you get initiated. You dig, dude?"

"Uh..." Blaise said.

"First, what is your full name, dude?"

"Blaise Daniel(a) Zabini," Blaise answered proudly. His/her voice was neither deep nor high, but rather in between. "The 'a' in parentheses is for if I'm girl."

"Okay, dude, we get the point," Voldemort said. "Age?"

"Seventeen."

Voldemort looked at his parchment. "Er... gender," he said reluctantly.

Blaise's jaw dropped. "I don't know!" he/she said furiously. "You know that!"

"Gender?"

"I don't know!"

"Gender?"

"I don't know!"

"Then you can't be a Death Eater," Voldemort said. "Sorry, dude, but I have to know your gender. Do you have any... assets?"

"But I've got all of them!" Blaise wailed.

Voldemort grinned. "Knew we'd get there, dude," he said lightly. "He-She. That's what you are, Zabini, a he-she! The mystery is solved."

"Is not," Blaise argued. "How can anyone be a he-she? You either need to be a boy or a girl!"

"Do you want to be a Death Eater or not, dude?" Voldemort said.

"Er... yeah," it said sheepishly.

"Good," Voldemort said, reaching into his pocket. His face grew worried as he didn't find what he was looking for. "DUDE! WHERE'S MY HALLOWEEN RUBBER STAMP?"

Lucius gasped, and reached within his own pockets, pulling out two rubber stamps and an ink pad. "Which one, Darth Voldemort? The grinning skull or the jack-o-lantern?"

Voldemort glared at Lucius. "The skull one, duh. How dumb can you get, dude?"

Lucius quickly handed the skull stamp to Voldemort, who inked it and stamped a black ink skull onto Blaise's arm. "There, dude, you're a Death Eater now," he said, sitting back in his throne.

"But isn't it supposed to burn when you summon us?" Blaise said.

Bella snorted. "What do you mean, summon? He owls us invitations to Open Mic Nights every night, but that's it!"

"Then who does the Muggle torturing?" Blaise said, looking panicked.

"Oh, that. No, dude, that was back when I was making a movie to rival Titanic. It was an action movie, with some romance on the side," Voldemort said breezily. "All those Muggles and Muggle-lovers were just disposable extras. Lucius and Bella played the main characters, you know. 'Course, no one seemed to like the movie too much. They all said it was too realistic." He sniffed. "How can anything be too realistic?"

Blaise's jaw dropped. Horny grinned. "Welcome to the Death Eaters, Blaise." His expression caused every male in the room, including Lucius, to shudder in horror.

-fin-