The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter 8: 14^th February - 28^th February.

Sunday 14^th February.

Dear Diary,

Omigod, it's Valentine's Day! See, usually this wouldn't be a problem. Usually, Pansy and I would boycott the entire thing and spend our evening making ritual funeral pyres for all the cutesy teddy bears and love-hearts we could get our hands on, and bitching about how pathetic all the romantic couples are. This year, however, I have an actual boyfriend. Who wants to take me on an actual date. And naturally, this changes everything. Pansy is in a grump because she says I've betrayed her and violated the rules set down in our 'Anti-Valentines Pact.' She's just bitter because she hasn't got anyone to take her out. I told her that she should have waited until after today to dump Theo, then at least she would have got some chocolates out of it. She seems to think that there is something morally wrong with this idea. I don't know; it's what I would have done.

Anyway, Harry and I are going for a romantic dinner in Hogsmeade later tonight. To say that I'm a tad nervous would be an understatement. I think I might pass out with terror. I mean, something's bound to happen tonight, isn't it? All this romance is nothing more than a pretext for some hot boy sex, isn't it? And I still haven't found a way to tell Harry about my little problem with his more dominant side. What if he jumps me again?

Oh, this is stupid. I mean, I've wanted to have sex with Harry for well over a year now. I can't believe that now it's almost certainly going to happen, I'm backing off. Well, I'm just going to have to get over it. I'm leaving for our date in exactly one hour, and I still haven't decided for definite what I'm going to wear.

It's so involved being me!

Later.

Wow. Just wow. It's about three in the morning and I just got back, but I can't go to bed without writing about everything that happened tonight. Oh, wow.

Harry had booked dinner for two in the Three Broomsticks. I have to say, the evening didn't get off to the most promising start. We decided to walk to Hogsmeade because we thought it would be romantic, but sadly it started to pour with rain when we were half-way there. I chivalrously conjured up an umbrella which saved the situation until we actually got to the Three Broomsticks. Sadly, my conjuring skills leave much to be desired (knew I should have taken Charms), and my umbrella was far bigger than I had intended it to be. Harry went inside, and I attempted to close the gargantuan umbrella and follow him. Unfortunately, I ended up closing my own head inside the umbrella, then hitting the top of it on the top of the door frame. This caused me to fall backwards into the street, my head still stuck inside the treacherous pseudo-parasol. Luckily, Harry had already gone inside. The only witnesses to my humiliation were some hoi-polloi who were loitering outside the pub, and a quick Memory Charm sorted them out. By the time I caught up with Harry, I was all sweetness and smiles. It's amazing, actually, the extent to which the Malfoys' reputation for grace and propriety is the result of our talent for erasing people's memories of our all-too-frequent disgraces. Cunning folk indeed.

Harry had booked us a private table, which was very sweet. Somehow, he managed to consume an entire steak with chips, followed by a chocolate soufflé. How does he manage to stay in such good shape? I was so nervous about what might happen later in the evening that I could hardly eat any of my chicken salad. Unfortunately, this prompted him to query whether I had an eating disorder.

I sighed. "You've been talking to Crabbe and Goyle, haven't you?"

"They might have mentioned something, yes. They were concerned about you. Draco, I never realised how much you obsessed about food before. They told me about your weird diets and your crazy obsessions with your weight. You do realise you're gorgeous, right? You don't have anything to worry about."

After making a mental note to somehow murder Vince and Greg through the medium of baked goods at the first possible opportunity, I smiled charmingly. "Oh, Harry, you shouldn't believe everything they tell you. They are prone to dramatize. I'm really not as bad as they make out. Yes, I watch what I eat, but we can't all have metabolisms like yours, can we?"

Harry was about to protest, but I started running my foot up his leg under the table and he suddenly forgot what he was about to say. Ha! Works every time.

It had stopped raining after we'd finished eating, so we decided to walk back to the castle. It was a nice walk and we held hands, but I can't really remember what we talked about. I was too nervous about the potential sex.

As I'd expected, Harry smiled shyly at me as soon as we were inside and asked if I'd like to come up to his room for a bit. I couldn't see any way out of it without losing face, so I agreed. Fortunately, Harry had his Invisibility Cloak on him, so we managed to get through the Gryffindor common room without being detected. God, just wait until I tell my mother about how hideous the décor is!

Anyhoo, it was still fairly early, so we had Harry's dorm to ourselves. As soon as we got through the door I immediately scanned the room for whips and chains, or any other evidence of Harry's secret dom side. I had no idea what he might have had in mind for me, poor, defenceless Slytherin that I was.

However, I had no opportunity to conduct a proper search, as Harry promptly grabbed hold of me and started kissing me. Now, I've always seen myself as a fairly pragmatic kind of fellow, but for some reason I just completely lose my mind when Harry kisses me. It sounds silly, but it felt so right that I forgot to worry about what might happen next.

The next moment, however, Harry pulled back. "God, Draco, I'm really sorry. I'm being such an idiot. I... I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this yet."

Well, this was an unexpected turn of events. I went up to Harry and touched him softly on the arm. "What's wrong, love?" I said, trying to sound as comforting as possible.

He looked at me, biting his lip, which made him look adorably confused. "Draco, you're going to think I'm an idiot. It's just... I kind of rushed into things with Blaise, and that was such a disaster. And... and with you, it's different. I mean, I've wanted to be with you for so long, and I really care about you. I... I just feel like we should take things slowly. I know how pathetic it is. I mean, it's Valentine's Day, for Merlin's sake! We've had a lovely evening, and I guess the natural thing would be to sleep together, but I just don't know if I'm ready yet. Are you mad?"

He looked so sweet and nervous, it made me go all mushy inside. I hate when that happens. Except I don't really. Don't tell anyone. "Of course I'm not mad, Harry. I think we should wait until you're ready. I don't want to rush things either." I decided against telling Harry about my own apprehensions. After all, I don't want him thinking any less of me, do I?

Harry broke into a grin and threw his arms around me. "God, Draco, you're amazing. I'm so lucky to have you."

Well, I wasn't about to contradict that, was I? "You're pretty amazing yourself, Harry," I replied, pulling him into a kiss.

I'm not entirely sure how we ended up on Harry's bed with the curtains drawn. Must have been the mesmerising powers of Harry's lips again. Nor am I entirely sure what happened to our tops. Or our trousers, for that matter.

As it turned out, while Harry wasn't ready to go all the way, he wasn't exactly adverse to the idea of some pretty full-on groping. And if our hands found their way into each other's underwear... well, it's only natural, isn't it? Safe to say that when I left Gryffindor Tower an hour or so later, I had no doubts in my mind that Harry Potter is a fantastic lover. God, is he fantastic. I was a bit worried about what he'd think afterwards, because Blaise once told me that my orgasm face is the same one I pull when I'm playing Quidditch. However, I don't think Harry noticed. Or if he did, he was too much of a gentleman to say anything.

He walked me back to the dungeons and kissed me goodnight, promising that we'd have lunch together tomorrow. Sigh...

Harry is so perfect. In every way. Oh, and I'm happy and relieved to report that we're both more-or-less the same size down there. It was a worry. I mean, it's not like I've ever been disappointed with my size, but... what do you do if there's a really dramatic difference? One of you is bound to feel inadequate, right? And the more favourably-endowed guy is always going to feel the need to over-compensate with the compliments, and that'd just be obvious. My life is full of these dilemmas. But like I said, no cause for concern as far as Harry goes. Not that we measured them or anything. That would've just been weird.

Wednesday 17^th February.

Dear Diary,

Still feeling very smug about my perfect new boyfriend. In spite of the amount of schoolwork we have at the moment, Harry and I have managed to find ample time to sneak off and fool around. Fooling around with Harry is so great. He's even given me the password to get into Gryffindor Tower. Apparently, the other Gryffindors aren't too happy about it. Ooh, that'll keep me awake at night. Harry and I haven't discussed the prospect of actual sex again, which is fine by me. I'm quite happy to have Harry not be ready to go that extra step just yet.

We did have a minor dramatic episode yesterday. Harry was a couple of minutes late meeting me in the evening, and when I asked him why, he told me that he had to help Ginny with a Defence Against the Dark Arts homework problem and couldn't get away.

As you can imagine, this made me more than a little huffy. "I bet you couldn't get away. How could you let yourself be reeled in by that little mantrap? It wouldn't kill you to remember that you have a boyfriend!"

"Draco, I was helping her with her homework! And I'm only one minute late!"

"You used to be early," I sniffed. "I can't believe you're bored of me already. I knew I shouldn't leave you alone with that little tramp!"

"Draco!" Harry replied angrily. "Ginny is my friend! Also, I'm not entirely sure how this could have escaped your notice, but I'm gay. Ginny is a girl. The chances are that I don't fancy her. Besides, she's with Luna."

Well, this was something of a surprise. "But... she was with Dean Thomas! Ginny isn't gay! How can she be with Luna Lovegood?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Technically, she's bisexual. But she and Luna have been together for a while, so it's highly unlikely that she's trying to entrap me, even if she did think she stood a chance. Now, why are you getting so jealous?" He came over and put his arms around me.

"Why do you think? You're gorgeous and everybody loves you. I've seen the way everyone throws themselves at you. How could I not be jealous? I mean, don't you get jealous when people look at me?"

"No, it makes me feel rather smug, actually," he said with a grin. "Because I trust you. Draco, I'm with you. If I wanted to be with anybody else, I wouldn't have made that commitment. Besides, how could I look at anyone else when my boyfriend is so gorgeous?"

I forgave him. He always knows the right thing to say.

Thursday 18^th February.

Dear Diary,

I've just got back from the library with Pansy. McGonagall set us a horrible essay earlier, and we thought it would be best if we started it straight away. Pansy's feeling a bit put out because I tend to do all my studying with Harry these days. I told her that she's perfectly free to join us, but she said that it's rather distracting to have me sitting in my boyfriend's lap with my tongue down his throat when she's trying to work. We don't do that all the time. Anyway, I realised that all my excitement over my boyfriend has made me slightly neglectful of my dear wife. I owled Harry, saying that I wouldn't be able to meet up with him till later, and Pansy and I sat in a secluded corner of the library and gossiped. The essay didn't get much of a look-in.

She thinks that she needs to move on from Theo. She said that she's spent her entire life not getting any attention from men, and now she wants to make up for lost time. We've been going through a list of possible candidates. I suggested that she went for a younger man, because then he'd be in awe of her and feel compelled to do her every bidding, but she said she wanted a boyfriend not a slave. Funny girl. She's made up a list of all the boys she thinks are good looking, and I was horrified to discover that she thinks Anthony Goldstein is sexy. You know, the chubby, pompous one from Ravenclaw. She says that he has an air of sophistication. I pointed out that Goldstein was most certainly not sexy and that, in all probability, he had taken sexy out behind the broom-shed and shot it, but she was adamant.

I worry about her sometimes.

Friday 19^th February.

Dear Diary,

I've just got back from Harry's. I'm not entirely sure how much longer I can avoid having sex with him - he's clearly getting readier by the day. We were fooling around on his bed earlier, and things were getting very heated. Somehow, I ended up underneath Harry with my legs wrapped round his waist. We were making out pretty fiercely and Harry's hands were... everywhere. He pulled back, and he had this really lustful look on his face. "Draco..."

Now, it would be wrong to say that I hadn't been enjoying what we were doing. In fact, before Harry stopped, I'd been enjoying it very much and really wanted to continue. However, as soon as we paused, I had time to actually think about what we were doing and what might happen next, and I panicked. "Oh my God, is that the time?" I gasped. "Sorry, Harry, but I have to go." I wriggled out from under him and pulled my clothes back on.

"Draco, what's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing! What could possibly be wrong? I have to go now!"

"Draco, wait! We were... I mean... did I do something wrong?"

"Of course not!" I said brightly. "See you tomorrow, Harry." I gave him a quick kiss and practically ran from the room.

What the hell is wrong with me? I've got a gorgeous boyfriend who really wants to have sex with me, and I'm backing off. This is so stupid. I mean, Harry really is an amazing lover and I know he wouldn't think of doing something I wouldn't enjoy. What am I so afraid of?

I think it's just the prospect of giving up control like that. I mean, I can't deny that the thought of bottoming for Harry has a certain appeal to it, but at the same time it fills me with panic. It's not that I don't trust Harry, it's just that I'm a bit of a control freak. Alright, a lot of a control freak. Oh, what am I going to do?

Sunday 21^st February.

Dear Diary,

I'm ashamed to say that I spent all of yesterday hiding out in the common room. I still hadn't figured out how I was going to explain my weird behaviour to Harry. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea to deal with that by completely avoiding him, but I was under a lot of pressure.

I decided to go looking for Harry after breakfast today. It was about time I acted like a man and faced up to my problems. Also, I really missed him. I found him at the Quidditch pitch, sitting moodily on one of the benches. He didn't say anything when he saw me, just frowned and looked away. I was in trouble.

I went to sit down next to him. "Hi, Harry," I said softly.

"Oh, you're talking to me now, are you?" he replied sullenly.

"I'm sorry I didn't come and see you yesterday."

Silence.

"Harry, please talk to me. I'm trying to--"

"Draco, will you just let me know where I stand?" he interrupted. "Do... do you not want to be with me any more?"

"What? Of course I want to be with you!"

"Then what the hell is your problem? You just ran out on me the other night, clearly horrified at the idea of having sex with me. It really hurt my feelings, Draco! And yesterday you were nowhere to be found. It's more than a little confusing."

Well, that made me feel really bad. It hadn't occurred to me how Harry must have seen my behaviour. There he was, finally ready to sleep with me, and I turned him down with no explanation. Clearly I suck at life.

"Harry, I'm so sorry. It really wasn't your fault. I do want to sleep with you, it's just... this is a little embarrassing."

He sighed. "Draco, all I'm asking is that you're honest with me."

"All right! Enough with the puppy-dog eyes! Look, it's just that I... I'm a bit nervous about it. Sex, that is."

"But... you've done it before, right?"

"Of course! It's just that... you can be very, um... dominant. And Blaise said you were a fantastic top, and it's not that I don't enjoy it when you take charge, its just... I have a thing about losing control. This thing wherein it really freaks me out. I've... I've never been submissive before, and the idea of it is pretty scary to me."

Harry snorted. "Sorry, it's just the idea of you being submissive. Aside from Hermione, you are the bossiest person I know!"

"Fine," I said sulkily. "Laugh in the face of my insecurities."

"Oh, come on," he said, putting an arm around me. "Is that really all that was wrong? Draco, why didn't you just talk to me about it? I was worried that there was something really the matter or that you didn't want me any more."

"I'm sorry," I said in a small voice.

"That's okay. Here, come and sit on my lap."

I obliged, and we cuddled for a bit. Eventually, Harry broke the silence. "You know, if all that's stopping us from sleeping together is your nerves about bottoming, then it's really not a problem. I mean, I don't mind doing it until you're ready. To be honest, if it involves you, me and an orgasm, I'm not bothered about who sticks what where."

It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. Sadly, we couldn't go straight back to the castle and shag, because I had Quidditch practice, and Harry had promised to do something with his friends. Stupid Harry's friends.

But at least we've sorted things out now, and we are definitely going to shag. Very, very soon.

Wednesday 24^th February.

Dear Diary,

We still haven't shagged! Clearly the universe is conspiring against us. No sooner had Harry and I sorted our problems than all our professors decided to give us even more homework, meaning that we hardly have time to see each other at all, let alone get naked. You see, this is what you get for trying to improve inter-house relations - opposition at every turn. I am so frustrated! I haven't had sex in ages, and that was with that moron Blaise. Can't they see that I need a decent roll in the sack, and lay off the work for a bit?

Harry is being very sweet, though. He keeps sending me notes saying how much he misses me. The last one read:

Draco,

Just looking at you is driving me crazy. I can't wait till we can have some time alone together. If it were up to me, I'd skip out on doing my homework tonight and risk Snape's anger when I don't hand my essay in, but Hermione won't let me. She's just bitter because she's not getting any, and she doesn't want anyone else to get any either. Whoops, I think she saw me write that. Now she's glaring at me.

Miss you!

Harry xx

He's so sweet.

I'm hanging out with Pansy right now. We've had quite a fun evening, all things considered. I did suffer a minor humiliation earlier, but I think I managed to salvage the situation. See, I almost always use the girls' bathroom here, because it's just so much more sanitary and nobody complains when I leave all my products scattered everywhere. Anyway, I'd just had a shower earlier and I was feeling in a particularly cheerful mood because I'd received another note from Harry telling me how gorgeous I am.

I'd just got out of the shower, and I was wearing Pansy's fluffy pink bathrobe with her towel wrapped around my head. Being in a fairly chipper mood, I was performing a dazzling rendition of the Divinyl's song 'I Touch Myself', using my hair brush as a microphone. See, sometimes when I'm alone, I loose all sense of shame. Also, I tend to forget that while I may be technically alone, I am also in a public place and thus liable to be interrupted. Pansy and Josephine walked in on me during the chorus, right when I was in the middle of a particularly enthusiastic dance move. The three of us stared at each other in horror for a couple of seconds, then the two girls burst out laughing. Hmph. But, like I said, I was able to recover from my shame. I persuaded the two of them to be my backing dancers. I believe we put on quite a show. The bathroom mirrors said they'd never seen anything like it.

Thursday 25^th February.

Dear Diary,

We still haven't had sex. WE STILL HAVEN'T HAD SEX!!!

I'm climbing the walls. I can't stand it any more. I'm going crazy.

I have never been this frustrated about anything in my life. Pansy thinks that this is karma because I was an idiot and didn't tell Harry what was bothering me last week. I hit her with a Tongue-Tying Curse. She managed to get Millicent to take it off her after an hour or so, and now she's in a grump with me. I tried to explain that I'm sexually frustrated and thus cannot be held liable for my actions, but she's still all sulky.

Whatever. I'm pissed off and horny. And that can only result in one thing.

Chocolate-chip cookies.

Sunday 28^th February.

Dear Diary,

So... Harry and I totally did it last night! Twice! And once again this morning!

I got an urgent owl from him at around half-eight, saying that he'd finished his homework and Hermione was finally allowing him to stop working. I would have run off to Gryffindor Tower straight away, but fortunately, Pansy reminded me that I hadn't taken my face mask off yet. Somehow, I don't think Harry would have been particularly keen on having sex with someone who had green slime all over his face. Even so, I think it only took me just over ten minutes to get there. I found Harry pacing his dorm room impatiently.

I don't think we actually said anything when I came in. We just sort of pounced on each other, desperately trying to rid ourselves of our clothes. Harry was amazing. He's been so patient and generous with me, I really don't know what I've done to deserve him.

Anyway, we spent an amazing night together and have confirmed that we are both much better in bed than Blaise. See, now I know what everyone meant when they go on about how amazing sex is. Ha! Now I can be all smug and make the excuse of sex-related fatigue every time I'm late for something.

Seriously though, last night was amazing. It was spoiled slightly by Weasley interrupting us this morning just as we were about to embark on shag number three. He threw the curtains open on us, blathering on about wanting to borrow Harry's ink for something. He froze in horror as soon as he saw us.

Harry looked up, very coolly, and told Ron that he was a bit busy right now and that he would appreciate it if Ron waited until he knew for certain Harry was alone before he burst through the bed curtains in future. It was sort of worth it for the sight of Weasley running from the room, screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!"

Harry pulled the curtains shut again and turned back to me. "Now, where were we?"

Harry is so wonderful. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and... I think I might be in love with him.