The Terry Boot Show!

The Terry Boot Show

"Hello and welcome to The Terry Boot Show, I'm your host, Terry Boot, and today we have an extremely saucy show coming up for you." The smarmy host smiled his smarmy smile to the audience in the way that made lonely and desperate middle-aged women swoon. "Today's topic is 'Threesomes, Foursomes and Moresomes!' And we have some intriguing guests here to share their stories." At this point, Terry tossed his luscious hair, making a slightly over-weight woman in the third row squeal with delight before promptly fainting, and sliding off her chair. Like a true professional, Terry took no notice and carried on in his deep, rumbling voice.

"First let us welcome a man, a very special man. We all know his story; his parents were tragically murdered when he was a baby by an evil dark lord and he was raised, as an orphan, by a family of vicious Muggles. He attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he became their most popular student, apart from yours truly, of course," he said with a quick wink. "He was the star of the school Quidditch team, admired by all the boys, desired by all the girls. He was and still is the most wanted Wizard on the planet, and he saved the world a couple of times as well," Terry added quickly. "Would you please welcome, for the first time, to The Terry Boot Show, Harry James Potter!" The lights came up on the brightly coloured stage and, from one of the two side doors, a tall man, with messy black hair and bright green eyes entered apprehensively.

The enigmatic host walked to the stage and shook his hand warmly. "Harry, Harry, good to see you again," he said flashing his trademark smile.

Harry, looking rather flustered, sat down in one of the many chairs laid out on the stage. "Uh, yeah, its good to see you too, Terry."

Terry walked back to his position amongst the audience. "Many people don't know this, but Harry and I actually used to go to school together, isn't that right, Harry? We were quite good friends."

Harry nodded weakly.

"Oh who is he trying to kid?" a red-headed man in the audience angrily whispered to his brother, his identical twin brother in fact, "Harry barely knew this twerp. He'd never be associated with such a pompous git."

His brother nodded in agreement, his eyes fixed on the stage.

"Actually Terry," Harry said, speaking up for the first time, "I think you got some of your facts wrong in your introduction, I wasn't at all popular, I-"

"So, Harry," he said, loudly speaking over the top of him " The reason we have you here is to, of course, discuss your relationship with Miss Hermione Granger."

"What?" Harry interrupted. "I thought this was about the promotion of Wizard and Giant interaction."

Terry let out a short laugh. "Of course you did Harry. Now, how long was it before you realized you were in love with Hermione Granger?"

Harry spluttered, lost for words.

"Come on now Harry, you don't want to disappoint the legions of fans that came to today's show, not to mention the thousands watching this as an apparition, being beamed live and direct to their homes." Terry beamed at one of the apparition portals, before turning back to Harry. "So was it love at first sight, or did your love blossom, like a flower greeting the morning sun?"

There was a quiet thud, as the lady in the third row, who had just been revived by one of her friends, fainted once more.

Harry's cheeks were burning a bright red. "I. Am. Not. In. Love. With. Hermione," he said firmly.

"You're not?" he said, a small grin appearing on his face. "Well, I think our next guest will be very disappointed to hear that, ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the lady in question, Hermione Granger."

There was a smattering of applause as one of the side doors opened once more. Sounds of a struggle seemed to be coming from behind them before Hermione was suddenly forcibly pushed through the open door.

"Oh honestly," she said, pursing her lips, before storming over to the chair next to Harry's.

"So tell me Hermione, how do you feel about Harry's recent revelation?"

Hermione fixed him with a deathly stare. "I haven't even thought about it. I've been to busy marveling at the stupidity of this show. You forbid me to wear high-heels, in fear I might stab someone with them, yet you don't bother to confiscate my wand!" Hermione cried.

Terry turned to the audience and gave them an exaggerated wink. "Hell hath no fury like a woman rejected."

The crowd chuckled appreciatively.

"Oh for Christ's sake," Hermione said turning to Harry, "Harry, you know this is rubbish. I knew nothing about it; I've been deceived, just as you have. Of course I'm not in love with you-"

"Aren't you Hermione?" a new voice asked from behind one of the side doors.

"Ron?" Hermione exclaimed in disbelief.

Ron Weasley stepped out from behind the door, a troubled look on his face.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked his best friend.

Ron stalked over and slumped in the chair next to Hermione. "Oh you think you're the only one who would ever get asked to go on a talk show? Believe it or not, there are some people out there that actually care about what I have to say."

The crowd let out an excited "ooh"; they smelt blood.

"Ron, don't be a prat. You know that's not true. You're our best friend, of course we care what you think," Hermione said irritably.

"Hermione," Terry interrupted. "Ron has come here today to tell you something, go on Ron."

Ron took a deep breath and looked at Hermione. "Hermione," he said, his voice slightly shaky. "I'm-I'm in love with you," he blurted out.

There was a stunned silence, the audience sat with bated breath.

Hermione starred at him. "Oh honestly," she sighed. "Ron, don't be daft, you don't love me."

"Yeah, I do," he said, looking at the ground. "But I know you'll never be able to love me back."

"What are you talking about? And why on Earth did you wait to tell me all this on a trashy talk show?" Hermione cried.

"Because it's the only way I could make you listen, you're so wrapped up in him all the time," he yelled, gesturing angrily at Harry.

"What...you....that's ridiculous," Hermione stammered.

"It isn't, you're in love with him," Ron said, wringing his hands together.

"Ron! Listen to yourself," Harry said, "You're talking rubbish. Isn't he, Hermione?" Hermione looked away. "Isn't he Hermione," he repeated. "Hermione?"

"I uh, um, well, not entirely," she said softly.

"Not entirely, what do you mean, not entirely?" Harry said, his voice going up an octave.

"Well, it's true that, that, I'm in love with you." The crowd gasped as Hermione bit her lip and looked away.

"You BITCH!" yelled a high-pitched voice.

"Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Ginny Weasley," Terry announced, clearly loving every minute of this.

Ginny, dressed in tight-fitting robes and heavy boots, stomped up to the other three. "You complete bitch!" she cried once more. "You knew I fancied Harry, have done forever. How could you do this, try and steal him away from me, before I'd even had the chance to say how I felt?"

"Ginny I didn't mean-" Hermione started.

"You mean to tell me," Ron cried angrily, "That Hermione and Ginny are both in love with Harry? How is that fair? How does Harry get both of the main female characters?"

The other three starred at him. "I meant....ah forget it," Ron said and slumped down in his chair for a good sulk.

"So Harry," Terry said with a toothy smile, "Who's it going to be? The beautiful brunette? Or the ravishing red-head?"

"Neither," the voice of Draco Malfoy said, as he suddenly appeared on stage in all his slender, blond glory.

"Malfoy?" Hermione and Ron cried.

"Draco!" Ginny and Harry exclaimed.

"Yes, it is I. Draco Malfoy, here to extract my revenge on little Harry Potter who has humiliated me, tormented me, cursed me, fought me and beaten me for the last ten years. I am mean, twisted and very, very bitter," Draco said with a sardonic smirk.

Terry could hardly contain his excitement; he was practically shaking in anticipation. "So tell us Mister Malfoy, how do you plan on doing that?"

"By airing Potter's dirtiest laundry," he said with a sneer. "Potter won't chose either of those girls, or any girl in fact, because dear Harry Potter doesn't like girls. The Boy Who Lived is a flaming queen!" Draco shouted dramatically, flicking his hair and smiling charmingly into one of the apparition portals.

There was a gasp around the studio, except for a small clunk as the woman in the third row fainted for the third time that day.

Harry stood up, hands balled into fists at his side. "It's true. I'm gay. But I'm not the only one, Draco Malfoy is also gay," Harry announced.

Again there was silence.

"But Harry," Hermione said gently, "Everyone already knew that."

"What?" cried Ginny. "I didn't! Draco, what about our time together? You told me you loved me and I believed you, yet the whole time, you were gay!"

"You were having it off with Malfoy?" Ron screeched.

"Draco!" Harry cried, stamping his foot, "How could you? You told me you loved me and only me!"

"You were having it off with Malfoy?" Ron cried again.

"Ginny, how can you say you love Harry, if you were doing Malfoy the whole time?" Hermione cried. "And Harry, you were gay yet you never said anything? And you," she yelled, rounding on Draco, "You cheated on Harry with Ginny! What is wrong with you?"

"You were having it off with Malfoy?" Ron screamed.

"Shut up, Ron!" the group cried.

"Well well, the plot has thickened." Terry said, interjecting himself into the messy scene once more. "As it stands, Ron loves Hermione, Hermione loves Harry, Ginny loves Harry, but has been having it off with Harry's gay lover on the side. Harry's in love with Malfoy, who has said to both Harry and Ginny that he loves them; when will it ever end?"

"But who loves me?" Ron asked pathetically. "Everyone else has someone...."

Terry smiled. "Ah yes, well this story isn't over just yet, we have a one more guest who is about to arrive."

"Please don't be Snape, please don't be Snape," Ron muttered.

"Introducing, Severus Snape!"

Ron sank even lower into his chair.

"Ron," Snape said in a toneless voice. "I have something to say to you Ron."

"No don't, I'll be sick, don't say it Snape, don't-"

"I love you Ron."

Ron got up out of his chair, walked silently over to the studio wall and started methodically whacking his head against it.

There was a stunned silence, until Ginny let out a small giggle, which seemed to set everything off again.

"You cheated on me, you bastard! With a girl!" Harry cried at Draco.

"I'm not a one-man man Potter, you knew that from the beginning,"

"I didn't! I didn't even know you were an any-number-of-men man."

"How naïve can you get Ginny? Everyone knew."

"Shut your dirty Mudblood mouth, Granger."

"Ron, Ron, say something. Don't hurt yourself because of me. I love you, I don't want to see you get hurt..."

Whack whack

"Malfoy you insufferable git, you stole the love of my life, and you don't even love him."

"I never said that."

"Does that mean..."

"But Draco..."

Whack whack

"This is fantastic!" Terry yelled over the racket. He turned to the apparition portal closet to him. "Ladies and gentleman at home, I do hope you appreciate what you are witnessing here. A mixture of unbridled passion and rage-"

Suddenly everyone on stage stopped and an eerie silence filled the studio. Terry did a small double take, before recovering with a small laugh. "Er, well, it looks like some sort of calm has been restored," he said, slightly put off.

Harry stepped forward with a manic grin on his face. "Oh yes Terry, quite a deal of calm, the eye of the storm, as Muggles call it."

Terry smiled nervously, seemingly unnerved at the rapid change of mood. "Er, would they...can't say I've ever heard that expression."

"No, you wouldn't have," Harry said, as all the cast stepped forward menacingly. " And that's because you don't like Muggles very much, isn't it Terry?"

A look of panic passed across Terry's face, only to be hastily replaced by that oh-so-cheesy grin. "Haha, oh Harry, I'm not sure what you're talking about..."

"We're talking about you being a member of the illegally formed Protection of Purebloods League," Hermione spat venomously.

"What? Don't be silly that doesn't...doesn't exist," Terry stammered, his eyes darting left and right, probably looking for the nearest exit.

"Oh but it does, Terry, and you know that because you're one of the head honchos aren't you?" said Ginny with a bitter edge to her voice. "You use this show to gain members, spread the word and corrupt your audience."

Draco tossed his head. "It would explain why you're such a media tart, I suppose."

"I...but...you...This is outrageous. We're nothing but a simple talk show."

"Well now you'll be running this 'simple talk show' live from Azkaban. Stun him!" cried Harry and Terry was hit with several stunning spells at once and fell to the ground in a heap.

Chaos erupted. Women were screaming and running in all directions. Other members of the Order of the Phoenix had materialized from the audience and were dueling with various members of the show's entourage. Draco somehow found himself in an intense battle with the make-up artist, who in-between firing cosmetic spells at him, was complimenting him on his hairstyle.

One by one the entourage was taken down, stunned or arrested. Aurors were attempting to calm the audience, particularly the hysterical woman in the third row, who, after fainting three times already, had began to cry in great heaving sobs. Harry, Hermione, Ron and the rest of the crew gathered in a corner of the stage to survey the mayhem.

"Well, good work team," Harry said with a slight nod of his head, "All seemed to go as planned."

Ron, who had his arms folded across his chest and a foul look on his face, made an indignant noise. "I still don't see why I had to be the one Snape fancied," he muttered bitterly.

Snape shot him an icy glare. "It wasn't a Mai Tai by the beach for me either, Weasley."

Hermione laughed. "Oh, both of you grow up, we had to come up with a story ridiculous enough for that horrid Boot to want us on his horrid show, so we did, that's all there is to it."

Malfoy grinned and slung an arm over Ginny's shoulder. "I wouldn't be so sure about that one, Granger," he said before whispering something in Ginny's ear. She giggled, and they both walked off stage.

Ron watched them go, mouth hanging open. "What the hell?" he screeched, running after them.

Harry shook his head and turned to see a groggy Terry Boot being escorted away in handcuffs by two Aurors

"Let me go," he was yelling. "Let me go! Do you know who I am? I run the highest rating apparition show ever...Get your hands off me!"

He was dragged out of the studio doors and Harry gave a satisfied smile. He turned to one of the apparition portals, which was still broadcasting the scene to hundreds of fireplaces around Britain, and looked directly at it. "Now that's what I call entertainment."