The Adventures of Lord Voldemort Part Deux: European Vacation

The Adventures of Lord Voldemort

Part Deux

France

France

Hotel de Crillon

Almost on the Champs-Elysee

Monday

Dear Diary,

All I wanted in life was a nice, comfortable hotel. Sure Best Westerns are okay. Motel 6's suck to be honest. And then a shining beacon of hope. The Ritz. Just its name suggests beauty. Elegance. Poise. And then that freakball Goyle had to screw it all up and throw up during tea. A note of thanks must also go to Crabbe, he was the one who gave him the grasshopper. So by now you have guessed we are in France. For a few moments I thought that we would have to sleep in the RV. Thankfully, no. Lucius suggested we go to Hotel de Crillon. That’s been his best idea in well...forever. I think it’s an attempt to get back into my inner ring of Deatheaters. To be truthful no one will touch him since the Amsterdam incident.

Love,

Tommikins

France

Hotel de Crillon

Wednesday

Dear Diary,

I must say this is a well-deserved break from the prisons in Amsterdam. It’s really lovely here. Luckily Hotel de Crillon gets satellite t.v. so Rabastan can watch The Wild Thornberrys. I know I shouldn’t indulge him, but really, what am I to do? Once again Lucius went somewhere. I checked to see if he took my...er...his Dragon hide ass-less chaps. He did. He also stole my Boy George CD. That’s why I want an Ipod for Christmas. Don’t know how it would help the theft problem though.

Love,

Tommikins

France

Hotel de Crillon

Sunday

Dear Diary,

I have lost Crabbe and Goyle. I don’t know how. Bella decided to do something useful for once, so she organized a little sightseeing trip. We went to the Louvre and saw that Mona Lisa painting. Honestly, why is that Mona Lisa lady called beautiful? Muggle-born Granger is prettier than her. And that’s saying something. Well, after that, we had a lovely little picnic. Narcissa told us we had to see Notre Dame Cathedral. So, naturally, Crabbe and Goyle wanted to. That’s where everything went awry. This little french girl started screaming. I honestly had no idea what she was saying. However, I think it was something like,”Gardes ! Gardes ! M'aider ! Quasimodo est ici ! Oh Dieu ! M'aider ! Il y a deux !” Well, whatever she said, Crabbe and Goyle understood and they took off running. Maybe they’ll come back for dinner?

Love,

Tommikins

France

Seventh Ring of Hell

The RV

Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Oh dear sweet Jesus. Hell has broken loose. DAMN YOU ELECTRICITY! As you have guessed by now, I am speaking of the French riots. And I am in the effing RV. No, I am on the roof of it! Damn these rioters! Damn these fires! That damn fancy hotel kicked us out! Why? It was because of Rabastan and his love of Nigel Thornberry. He humped an fucking Maitre-d. To tell you the truth I have no idea as to how I got on the roof of the RV. I do know that these weirdos are torching their damn city! This would have never happened at Hogwarts. I’ll write more later after the fires subside. Maybe I’ll ink a book deal.

I wonder where Lucius is? I think Crabbe an Goyle are still lost.

Love,

Tommikins

Later

Thank the Lord! Crabbe and Goyle are back! Oh god! One of them just farted. Honestly! If you toot then you need to poop!

Love,

Tommikins

France

Paris

Extremely Charred RV                                

Friday

Dear Diary,

The fires have finally stopped. Those bitches at the hotel won’t let us have your deposit back. Honestly! On the bright side Lucius is back. This time he came in wearing a Cinderella costume and stripper shoes. I think he borrowed them from Snape. Any who, we are now leaving France. However, we are leaving France in an extremely charred RV. But to be positive, Bella didn’t contract any new STD’s.

Love,                                    

Tommikins