The Adventures of Lord Voldemort Part Deux: European Vacation

The Adventures of Lord Voldemort: Part Deux

European Vacation

Switzerland

Switzerland

St. Moritz

Kempinkski Grand Hotel Das Bains

Wednesday

12:47

Dear Diary,

Honestly, how did I end up back in St. Moritz? I have truly returned to the scene of the horrendous crime against wizard-kind. And by wizard-kind I mean me and by horrendous crime I mean that time I fell down the craggy unmarked trail of certain death on my white-snake ass. So I have volunteered to babysit Crabbe, Goyle, and Rabastan. We haven’t been able to leave Crabbe and Goyle alone since the Paris incident. And Rabastan refuses to leave the hotel because the Wild Thornberries are on.    

Love,

Tommikins

Switzerland

St. Moritz

Kempinkski Grand Hotel Das Bains

Still Wednesday

3:56        

Dear Diary,

Some people ask me what Crabbe and Goyle are good for. Well I’ll tell you, handicrafts. Yes, I did say handicrafts. They are extremely proficient at making acorn tea cozies. Much better than that American lady Lartha Stewart, or whatever her name is. Right now, they are making raffia angels. I put them on a schedule for when to take their Beano, so I think that I’ve curbed their farting problem. Now I’ll I smell is clean Switzish air. Oh, isn’t that adorable? They just got their safety scissors out. Wish this damn hotel had normal scissors. I’m letting Rabastan watch the Wild Thornberries, even though his therapist says that he shouldn’t. I’ve always thought that you should bite the beast that bit you. That’s why once a month I eat carbohydrates. Honestly it is very hard to follow the Atkins diet and an evil mastermind must maintain his figure.

Love,

Tommikins

Switzerland

St. Moritz

Kempinkski Grand Hotel Das Bains

Honestly, how long is Wednesday?

5:32

Dear diary,

I really wish I could get out of this damn hotel. The damn handicrafts twins are driving me crazy. I think that they are basting a turkey right now. Jeez! Where are those damn Deatheaters? That motley crew is probably having and orgy with midgets from Middle Earth. Where the hell is Rabastan? I need a damn leash for him.

Love,                

Tommikins

Switzerland

St. Moritz

Kempinkski Grand Hotel Das Bains

Will Wednesday Ever End?

6:41

Dear Diary,

Praise to the Lord! The Deatheaters are back! Apparently their Gondola got stuck in a vat of Jell-O. I didn’t know they had vats of Jell-O in Switzerland. I thought was just an American thing. O-well I’m making Bella watch the handicraft twins. I think that I need some alone time. Maybe I’ll go to a museum. Or maybe I’ll go to a chocolate factory. I bet I could get free samples.

Love,

Tommikins

Switzerland

St. Moritz

Kempinkski Grand Hotel Das Bains

Finally Thursday,

Dear Diary,

I think that our time in Switzerland is coming to end. Maybe even our time in Europe. It’s just not the same. Rabastan has stopped sexually assaulting people, Bella hasn’t contracted an STD in a while. I even think that Lucius has stopped frequenting the gay clubs. Maybe Narcissa forgave him for the whole Amsterdam incident? I hope they’re not having make-up sex. They grunt like gorillas during make-up sex. Oh, the RV is still charred. Damn insurance policy doesn’t cover burning by french riots. Dammit! I forgot to give Goyle his Beano. Oh sweet Jesus! He let a wet one rip.

Love,

Tommikins