For the Love of Lockhart!

Gilderoy Lockhart always knew he was different than other people.

It wasn't the fact that his parents, Sir Alphonse and Lady Eloise Lockhart, were multi-millionaires, or that when he was six you couldn't see the floor in his bedroom because it was covered in hair care products, or even that by age eight he had already launched his own brand of toothpaste (Gilderoy's All-Shine).

The real reason Gilderoy was different was because he could hear The Voices.

The first time he ever heard Them was when he was four. He was in the midst of throwing a temper tantrum and was crying and pounding his fists on the plush velvet hall carpet when They spoke.

Look at you, They whispered. A worthless object with no point in life.

That's not fair, Gilderoy argued back, I'm only four.

Four, ten, thirty-two, eighty-six, who cares, They said. You could become great. Every woman in England, in Europe, in the entire world could be kneeling at your feet. You have the potential.

But I'm not some kind of god, Gilderoy protested.

But you could be, The Voices insisted. You could be the greatest thing since chopped dragon liver.

What? thought Gilderoy, whose parents were Muggles.

Erm, never mind, The Voices thought hastily. It's supposed to be delicious, though. The one drawback of being Voices is that you can't taste or touch things. But that's not the point. The point is you becoming great.

How? Gilderoy was starting to become lost.

HOW?! The Voices exclaimed. Oh, a touch of hairspray, some makeup, a bit of glamour. You know, all the usual.

But Daddy doesn't wear all that stuff, thought Gilderoy. He says that a real man would never wear all that junk.

It's not junk! said The Voices. And besides, you're not supposed to be a man.

Am I supposed to be a woman, then? Now Gilderoy was really lost.

No, you're supposed to be a god, an idol, a supermodel, whatever you call it! The Voices said huffily. If you don't want our help you don't have to accept it.

Well, thought Gilderoy, what have I got to lose?

And from that moment Gilderoy Lockhart was transformed.

His parents were a little bit leery of their new son at first, but they eventually became supportive of him and became his publicity managers. By the time Gilderoy got the letter from Hogwarts every girl under the age of twelve was madly in love with him. Up to date he had already received fifty-one marriage proposals.

Gilderoy soon discovered that the wizarding world was no different from the Muggle one when it came to him. So what if he was a poor student? He was good-looking enough to charm the teachers into giving him a pass every year.

By the age of 17, every woman in England knew his name. And every man detested him wholeheartedly.

But as Gilderoy grew older and sought to expand his fan base, he found he needed more than good looks. Just as he was starting to get desperate, The Voices visited him once again.

Gilderoy Lockhart is not a failure, They said. You have to get back on your feet, show the world who you are.

And thus The Plan was born. To be more specific, the Find-Famous-Wizard-Get-Story-Obliviate-Wizard-Steal-Story-As-Own-Become-Famous Plan.

The Plan worked fine until those meddling kids came along and messed everything up.

A blinding flash of light. A crash. Darkness.

The next thing Gilderoy knew...He didn't know. Everything was new to him since the memory charm had wiped his brain clean. The doctors and nurses at St. Mungo's were all convinced his was a hopeless case...until a year ago.

Yes, thought Gilderoy, the marvels of modern medicine.

Over a series of long and painstaking treatments, the healers had managed to cast a reversal charm on the afflicted areas of Gilderoy's brain. Although it required several operations, within a year Gilderoy's memory was completely restored.

But now he had different problems. Maybe not as difficult, but still problems.

The world seemed to have forgotten him.

Thank God for the voices, though. Once again they had visited Gilderoy in the dead of night.

Why not apply for a position at Hogwarts? They suggested. If you're headmaster, no one will ever forget you again. Your name will go down in history. Besides, I hear the Board is having real trouble trying to find someone to do the job. They're talking about closing the school.

But, thought Gilderoy, I don't know anything about running a school.

Oh, that's trivial, assured The Voices. And They outlined The New Plan to Gilderoy.

So, you want me to use my power to spread the Power of the Voices to the wizarding world? What the hell is the Power of the Voices? Gilderoy wondered.

It's really quite simple, They explained. You must spread love and happiness to everyone.

What is this? thought Gilderoy. I mean, I know people think I'm corny, but this is going too far.

You have spurned us before, said the Voices, beginning to get angry. Don't do it again. And besides, what with modern technology, it'll be easy. Just slip them a love potion, shoot a magic Cupid arrow through them, do whatever.

But why? Gilderoy was perplexed.

DO YOU DARE QUESTION THE POWER OF THE VOICES? The Voices thundered. Their tone softened a bit. All will be made known to you soon, young Gilderoy.

And They disappeared, leaving Gilderoy Lockhart lying in his bed more confused than he had ever been in his life.