For the Love of Lockhart!

"Please Hermione?"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Pretty please with a cherry and whipped cream on top?"

"Oh come off it, it's due tomorrow and you know if I turn in one more late assignment I'll flunk!"

Hermione ignored the ruckus and buried her head deeper into her copy of the Daily Prophet. It was the second week of their seventh year at Hogwarts and Harry and Ron had already managed to land themselves in detention three times for failing to turn in their homework on time. And once again they had resorted to the same old routine - trying to get Hermione to do their work for them before classes officially began. You'd think, she mused, that after seven years they'd know better. But apparently Harry and Ron were either suffering from short - term memory loss or were just plain stupid (Hermione was inclined to think it was the latter), because they kept on whining.

Ron was still trying to pilfer Hermione's Potions essay from her bag when Professor McGonagall stood up and cleared her throat.

"Ahem!" she said, glancing around the Great Hall to ensure everyone was paying attention. "I am pleased to make the announcement that Hogwarts has found a new headmaster!"

Whispering filled the Hall. At the Gryffindor table Harry, Ron, and Hermione rolled their eyes. Pleased my eye, thought Hermione, we've all known for years that McGonagall has been jealous of Dumbledore's position for years. You could practically see it in her smug little power - hungry hawk's eyes the night Dumbledore was murdered.

Indeed, McGonagall seemed to be trying to control the urge to kick something as her face grew redder and redder with exertion. It was only bad luck that Mrs. Norris chose to walk in front of the teachers' table just as she made her speech. Seconds later everyone was sniggering as Argus Filch rushed down the length of the Hall as quickly as his arthritic legs could carry him with his beloved cat safely in his arms, all the while muttering something about "poor kitty" and "outrage" and "damn wizards."

"Erm, anyway..." said McGonagall, looking rather embarrassed. "Uh, about the headmaster...Yes, I am happy to tell you that your new headmaster is..."

But Harry, Ron, and Hermione didn't catch the name. It was drowned out by an overwhelming chorus of hysterical screaming from what seemed like every girl in the Hall. Over at the Slytherin table Pansy Parkinson actually fainted.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" demanded Ron, shaking Ginny by the shoulders. She shrugged and continued applauding.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" McGonagall shouted above the din. "I give you...Gilderoy Lockhart!"

A stunningly handsome wizard in lilac robes appeared in the doorway of Hogwarts to ear - shattering screams. Acknowledging his extremely vocal fan base with a lofty wave of his perfectly manicured hand, Lockhart ascended the steps to the staff table and addressed his adoring listeners

"My dear students," he began, flashing his thoroughly peroxidized teeth at the crowd, "I am overjoyed to be your new headmaster. But let me properly introduce myself." He smoothed his gorgeous curled golden hair. "I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, and, of course, five - time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award..."

After citing his list of accomplishments, Lockhart thoroughly denied that he was in anyway desirous of fame. Nonetheless, he certainly didn't protest when Colin Creevey tried to snap several pictures of him (to sell on the black market, no doubt, Harry and Ron surmised darkly). In fact he insisted on touching up his perfectly botoxed eyebrows before the pictures were taken.

Ron started muttering "Oh God, why have you forsaken me?" repeatedly with a crazed look on his face around the time Harry started banging his head against the virtually indestructible gold Hogwarts platter. Which was around the time Parvati Patil stabbed her boyfriend Dean Thomas with a fork as she attempted to grab the tube of toothpaste Lockhart had thrown into the audience. Dean had to go to the hospital wing. Upon his release days later he claimed that he was severely mentally damaged. A week later he left, never to be heard of again.

As Harry and Ron engaged in their head - splitting (literally, in Harry's case), Hermione thought that things could only go downhill from here. Well, she thought, trying to comfort herself, at least things can't get much worse than they already are.

She didn't know then just how wrong she was.