Flour Babies

A/N: I apologize in advance for any and all "?!" throughout this fic. Sometimes, I just need to use them. ;P I hope you all enjoy the names as much as I do. (Hehe) And yes, I know Harry and Ron aren't in Divination sixth year, but it's the best class I can come up with that Hermione wouldn't have with him. So... just pretend. Enjoy, then review! (please?)

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Chapter Two: Project Infant

Seamus and Lavender were already in Gryffindor Tower, Seamus flipping through his pamphlet and Lavender playing with the enchanted baby. Both looked up briefly when Ron and Hermione climbed through the portrait hole.

Hermione led Ron to a table across the common room, where she carefully settled her pink bundle and pulled out the information McGonagall had given them.

"What does it say?" Ron asked, trying to peer over her shoulder while setting his twin beside the first.

"Ron, watch what you're doing!" Hermione exclaimed when Ron, not watching where he was putting the baby, almost missed the table by three inches.

"Sorry." He moved the bundle over the tabletop and set it there.

"You've got to be more careful," she scolded, returning to her pamphlet.

"Here, what does it say--"

She shoved the second brochure under his nose. "You can read."

"Fine, fine, fine," he grumbled, opening to the first page. " 'Welcome to the Baby Project! This Muggle Studies curriculum is designed to...' What is this?!"

Hermione glared at him. "Shhh!"

"Oh, sure, whatever," he grumbled, and returned to the pamphlet.

Muggle Studies: Project Infant

Welcome to the Baby Project! This Muggle Studies Currirulum is designed to foster better communication skills and ideals of teamwork between students. You and your partner are embarking on an exciting weeklong course to learn the basics of childcare and the importance of cooperation in the family dynamic.

You have by now received your enchanted "flour baby". The first step in this familial simulation is to give your new child a name. In order for a successful and enjoyable experience, it is highly recommended that you treat your flour baby as you would any human child; a realistic name will help you develop that special bond with your hypothetical offspring. Babies wrapped in blue blankets should be considered boys; those in pink should be referred to as girls.

("I could have figured that out," Ron muttered.)

Your baby has been enchanted to act and respond as a normal human infant. It will, however, remain silent during class periods, in order for the rest of your academic curriculum to continue as usual. You are still required to carry it with you at all times; you may find that some type of carrier will benefit your new parental status.

The pamplet went on to describe various carriers that could be used for the flour babies. None of them looked appealing to Ron.

"Look, Hermione," he said, drawing her attention to one paragraph. "We could have a pram and push them around in the hallways." He snorted. "Wouldn't Malfoy love that?"

Hermione glared and shushed him. "Keep reading!"

He stuck his tongue out when he was sure she wasn't looking, and returned to the information in front of him, skipping ahead to the section entitled "Lullabies or Lollipops?: Do's and Don't's When Your Baby Raises a Fuss."

Screaming babies are needy babies! Your flour baby will cry for a variety of reasons: it may be tired, hungry, need changed, or just want held. 'Do's' for a tired tot include rocking or singing to the exhausted infant. Do not make loud noises or turn on bright lights.

Ron skimmed through the rest of the chapter. It was pretty straightforward, he decided: put tired babies to sleep, feed the hungry ones, change the messy ones, hold the lonely ones. He didn't have a problem with the feeding: each baby came with a magical bottle full of what looked like powdered milk. It was probably flour, Ron thought. All you had to do was shove the bottle in the thing's mouth, and voila! No, no trouble there; it was the changing that made Ron leery. Apparently, if left unattended, they could overflow their nappies with an explosion of (you guessed it) flour. He would let Hermione take care of that.

He glanced at Hermione. She was still reading the pamphlet, her brow furrowed in concentration.

"Oh, come one, Hermione," he said, making her look up. "It's just common sense!"

"Well, I've never had a baby before, have I?" she asked irritably. "It can't hurt to read, anyway--"

The blue bundle began to whimper. Ron and Hermione of them paused to stare at it nervously.

"Er--" Ron began. "You can--"

Hermione shook her head. "You're the one who says it's easy," she said. "Um... you try."

Ron picked up the baby. "There..." He patted it awkwardly and jiggled it up and down a little. Thankfully, it closed its eyes again and seemed to settle back into sleep. Ron and Hermione looked at each other in relief.

"See? I told you so."

Hermione rolled her eyes, but she did put away the pamphlet. "Let's name them before class. We have time now."

"How long can it take?" Ron asked. "Here, he can be Ron, Jr.; and she can be Hermione, Jr. See? All done."

"We are not naming that thing Hermione, Jr.," Hermione said.

"Why not?"

"Because you don't name girls after their mothers!" Both of them fell silent, surprised at her outburst. "I mean--"

"Fine, fine," Ron shook his head. "You name her, then."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Me? I don't know..."

"How about Pinky?"

"Ron..."

"Minerva?" They both shuddered.

"Here," Ron said, as Seamus passed. "Let's see what Seamus named his--oy, Seamus!"

Seamus paused at their table. "Huh?"

"What'd you name your kid, then?"

Seamus looked mournful. "Mimsy."

Ron looked at Hermione. "Well? That's not so bad." Hermione made a face back at him.

"Yes, 'tis," Seamus said quietly. "She's callin' it Mimsy, and it's s'posed to be a boy."

All three of them looked across the room to where Lavender cuddled the blue-swaddled bundle and winced.

"Right, then," Ron said, once Seamus had left. "See? Pinky would fit right in."

"We are not naming it Pinky."

"All right, all right. I've got one: Mehitabel."

"What!?"

"Mehitabel. We can call her Hitty." He grinned. "You can't argue with that."

"Ron, we are not naming our child Hitty," said Hermione. "That would just give people ideas..."

"Aw, come on, Hermione. Ron, Jr. and Mehitabel--those are good names."

"Ugh! Ron--"

Just then, the bell rang. Hermione looked at him, panicked. "What are we going to do with these-- wait. You have free period now, right?"

Ron nodded, confused.

"Good. You keep them for now. I have free period next, then there's lunch--we'll figure something out there."

She scooted the pink-bundled baby toward him and jumped from her chair. "And we'll talk about this naming business later."

Ron watched as she hurried from the room, then turned back to the twin bundles on the table.

"Well, mates," he said. "Guess you can call me Daddy."

*

Ron and Hermione had little chance to confer the rest of the day. As soon as Hermione returned from Arithmancy, Ron had to hurry to catch Divination, and at lunch they were too busy figuring out how to carry their babies that they almost didn't have time to eat. Harry seemed to have worked his situation out; Parvati seemed perfectly happy to carry their baby in a sling across her front for the day.

Desperate, Hermione finally decided on using a pram, and a flustered Ron agreed.

"We can find something better tomorrow," Hermione said as they loaded the twins in the buggy and set off for the greenhouse. "This will have to work for now."

Herbology was an uneventful class spent with the Hufflepuffs, who were also involved in "Project Infant".

"Ravenclaws and Slytherins have it when we're done," Hannah Abbott told Hermione, gesturing toward her and Ernie MacMillen's pink-wrapped bundle. Hannah, Ernie, Hermione, Ron, and Harry were taking turns trying to convince one of Professor Sprout's Wary Wrackblossoms to open its blooms.

"What'd you name yours, then?" Ernie asked Ron enthusiastically a Harry took a turn wheedling the Wrackblossom.

"Erm--we haven't really decided yet..."

"Well, Hannah and I named ours Evangeline Matilda," he interrupted. "Named her after my Grandmother MacMillen and Hannah's great-aunt. Fine name, Evangeline..."

He continued to burble happily about the merits of a name like Evangeline Matilda while Ron tried to worm his way out of the conversation by catching Hermione's eye, but she was busy talking to Hannah.

"Yes, but be careful how much you let it eat," Hannah was saying. Hannah had a baby sister and several nieces and nephews; for Hermione, who had never actually been around babies since she herself was one, Hannah was a treasure trove of advice.

"Got it!" Harry shouted joyfully as one of the Wrackblossom's buds began to open. The other conversations stopped as Ron, Hermione, Hannah, and Ernie paused to admire the iridescent blooms. "See? I did it!" Harry shouted again, waving at Professor Sprout. Startled by the noise, the Wrackblossom sucked the flower back in. The five people clustered around it groaned.

"Try again, Potter," Professor Sprout sighed when she made it over to them. "It needs to stay open long enough to put the pollen in..." She wandered away to Neville's plant, which had five blooms open already.

Ron, Hermione, Hannah, Ernie, and Harry looked at each other mournfully.

"Next time, let's get Neville in our group," Harry finally muttered before turning back to the plant.

*

Nobody slept well that night, kept awake by squalling flour babies. Breakfast was a hurried affair, interrupted periodically by screeching flour sacks at the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables. Only Luna seemed to have gotten any sleep when they reported for class, a situation that was quickly explained by the fact that Neville had taken their baby for the evening.

McGonagall handed each pair a piece of parchment. "Fill out these forms with names, weights, and sizes," she instructed, and gestured toward the silver scales and the measuring tapes spread along the front table. "If you finish before class is over, turn in the forms to me and you are free to go."

Hermione took a shuddering yawn and reached for the first paper. "I'll--m-measure them," she said, blinking rapidly to focus on the parchment. "Oh, Ron! The names..." She sighed. "Oh, well." Her quill moved across the parchment rapidly, and she finished the name with a flourish before standing with the female half of the twins. "You measure him," she said, gesturing to the blue bundle napping in the pram. Ron picked up the baby, holding it at arm's length, and followed his partner to the front table.

Hermione quickly jotted the measurements that Ron called to her, and when they returned to their seats and handed him the forms. "Turn those in," she said, turning to tuck the babies back in the pram.

Ron glanced at the parchment, grinning in spite of himself at the names Hermione had scribbled across the first line: Ronald Weasley, Jr. and Mehitabel Weasley. He turned the forms in to the professor with a yawn and followed Hermione out of the classroom in hopes of catching a nap before his next class.