Flour Babies

A/N: How much more predictable can I get? When one wants fluff, one does a story on the baby project. I've read a couple of other fics along these lines, and think they're hilarious. So I'm trying one. Completely fluffy, pretty much AU, set during sixth year (ish) and throwing HBP and everything angsty out the window. In fact, I can't really think of anything serious being discussed in this entire fic. Enjoy!

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Chapter One: Muggle Studies

"...Potter? Thomas? Weasley?" Professor McGonagall finished counting heads before straightening to address the sixth-year Gryffindors standing before her.

"What's up with her?" Ron whispered to Harry. Upon arriving at Hogwarts the day before, the eight sixth-year Gryffindors, to their general bafflement and chagrin, had discovered "Muggle Studies" on their respective schedules, despite the fact that only Hermione had signed up to take the course. Lavender and Parvati had immediately taken their concerns to their Head of House, but McGonagall told them not to bother her and that everything would be explained during the first lesson.

They had been more baffled when Professor McGonagall proceeded stall the start of their session by taking roll call and fussing over seating arrangements when they reported for class in the morning. Stranger yet, there were no students outside of Gryffindor with whom to share the lesson; as the professor called each name, students began to whisper amongst themselves.

"Class!" Professor McGongall rapped her desk with her wand. "We as a staff at Hogwarts have decided to implement a new Muggle Studies curriculum designed for sixth-year students. Sixth-years in each house will work in pairs for a weeklong project designed to teach cooperation, communication, and responsibility. Instead of assigning pairs, we will use a lottery system." She conjured a pewter chalice in her hand and tilted it toward the class, revealing a number of folded pieces of parchment. "I will call you up one at a time to draw your partner. Longbottom!"

"I wish she'd just tell us what this thing is all about," muttered Ron as Neville drew a name from the cup. " 'Cooperation, communication, and responsibility' my hat." Hermione threw him a dirty look.

"Miss Brown," McGonagall nodded. "Very well, Longbottom. You and Miss Brown may be seated over here. Potter!"

Harry reached into the vessel and grasped a slip of parchment. He unfolded it eagerly; the spindly script read "Parvati Patil".

"Parvati," he said aloud, trying hard to conceal his disappointment. He'd been hoping to get Ron or Hermione.

"Patil, Potter--beside Longbottom and Brown, please. Weasley!"

Ron closed his eyes as he reached in the cup, and visibly relaxed when he read the name. "Whew--Hermione." Hermione followed him to their new seats.

"Guess that means I'm with Dean," Seamus said.

"Heavens no!" McGonagall exclaimed, making everyone jump. "I mean--just a moment--Finnegan, Thomas." She hurried out of the classroom.

"What's up with her?" Ron asked again, eyeing the door through which the professor had so hastily exited.

"I'm not sure," said Hermione. "What do you think this project will be? A report?"

"Probably," shrugged Ron, losing interest and slouching. "Come on, Hermione, don't worry about it."

Hermione glared at him. "For your information, I'm not worrying; I'm planning. There's a difference."

"Sure, sure," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Ron!" she hissed. "Don't think that just because we're partners you won't have to do any work. I'm going to have too much other homework without a report by myself on top of all that--"

"Hermione," said Ron, in what he hoped was a soothing voice, "listen to yourself. It's Muggle studies, not advanced Runes. You grew up with Muggles. It's not like this is going to be a challenge for you! You know it already!"

Hermione did not look convinced, but her retort was interrupted by McGongall sweeping back into the room, Luna Lovegood and Padma Patil in tow.

"Wait, professor--" said Seamus. "I thought you said this was just for Gryffindors--"

McGongall cut him off impatiently. "That was the plan, Finnegan, but since you haven't got enough to make even pairs, we've had to borrow Miss Patil and Miss Lovegood."

"But we already have even numbers, she's not even a sixth year--"

"I'm the only fifth-year signed up for Muggle Studies," Luna said airily.

"Yes, yes, Miss Lovegood is the only one in it this year, and for the sake of even numbers, she will simply fulfill the requirement a year early."

"Why not another sixth-year, professor?" Hermione asked quizzically, her hand in the air.

"Because there must be even pairs!" McGonagall seemed highly uncomfortable. Harry and Ron found it somewhat amusing. "Ravenclaw has uneven numbers, so Miss Patil will balance it all--"

Hermione raised her hand again.

"Not now, Granger!" McGonagall said sharply. "Now--" her forehead glistened slightly with nervous sweat. Hermione watched, intrigued, as McGonagall paired Dean with Padma and Seamus with Luna.

"The project begins with--"

Luna raised her hand. "Yes, Luna?"

"Professor, if we are supposed to work on this together, should I have a partner who is in more of my classes?"

McGonagall looked confused. "Yes, I suppose, but--"

"I don't have any classes with him."

"Well-- oh, Miss Lovegood--fine." She turned to the class. "Who has classes with Miss Lovegood and would be willing to switch partners?"

Neville hesitantly raised his hand. "Umm... I'll be her partner."

"Very well, Longbottom!" McGonagall barked, sounding relieved. "Mr. Finnegan, your new partner is Miss Brown. Longbottom, Lovegood. Go on, move!"

Lavender hurried to sit beside Seamus, and Luna floated over to Lavender's vacant seat.

"Now," McGonagall began again, once again uncomfortable. "Over the next week, each of pair will be assigned one of these," she held up a sack of what appeared to be flour, "and will be required to look after it."

"I've heard of this," Hermione said in a low voice to Ron. "They do it in Muggle schools--my cousin had one last year. You're supposed to pretend it's a baby--"

Ron snorted. "Well that's alright, then. We can just chuck it in a corner and then make stuff up for the report--it's like Divination all over again."

"Ron--"

McGonagall was still speaking. "--enchanted," she said, finishing a sentence both Ron and Hermione had missed, "so I will be able to tell exactly what you have been doing with your... er... item. They are bewitched so that their actions mirror those of the average infant, so you will be required to perform all the necessary... maintenance... that you would for a human child."

Ron looked across Hermione to meet Harry's eyes and made a face. Hermione slapped his hand, and he glared at her. Her eyes were trained on the professor, but her cheeks were uncharacteristically pink and her mouth was pressed into a thin line.

McGonagall had begun handing out the enchanted sacks, each wrapped in a pink or blue knitted blanket. The sacks had rearranged themselves to resemble infants, and were currently dozing serenely in their swaddling. McGonagall passed blue bundles to Seamus and Lavender and Neville and Luna, and pink ones to Harry and Parvati and Dean and Padma. And she set a blue bundle and a pink bundle in front of Ron and Hermione.

"What?" exclaimed Ron, looking nervously at the other pairs. "But professor, why are we the only ones with two--"

McGonagall ignored him. "Miss Granger, this will serve as the extra credit you signed up for," she said before moving on.

Ron gaped in horror from the twin bundles to Hermione and back again. "You WHAT?"

"Well, you never know when you may need extra credit, it never really hurts to have extra points in case you need them--" she floundered.

"HERMIONE. You live with bleeding MUGGLES."

"Ron, don't swear--"

"Why would you need extra credit for MUGGLE STUDIES?" He looked forlornly at the twin flour sacks in front of Hermione.

"Well, there's lots of stuff I don't know about Muggles, I mean, it's not really possible to know everything about them, and like I said, it's always good to play safe..." she trailed off as Ron began to pound his head on the table. "Will you stop that?" she asked sharply.

"Two--bloody--babies..." he moaned between thumps. "Aargh..." He rubbed his forehead after a particularly nasty bounce. "And I thought Fred and George were bad. At least they can feed themselves!"

McGonagall had returned to the front of the room. "Your assignment for tomorrow," she informed the class, "is to name your... well, baby." She said the word as if it burned her mouth, shook her head, and continued. "This pamphlet," five pairs of identical brochures zoomed from a pile on her desk to the students before her, "will explain to you the rules of this project and what is expected of you all. They have been enchanted so as not to raise disturbances during class, but any free periods, time between classes, mealtimes, and other times not in a classroom setting are fair game." Hermione seemed relieved. "You are dismissed," McGonagall said, and the students began to gather up their things. "With the remaining time left in the period, I advise you to return to your common room and sort things out with your partner," she advised, and swept from the room.

It was silent for several moments before Dean coughed nervously. "Well..."

Lavender began chattering in bright undertones to Seamus, who awkwardly scooped up their flour baby and pamphlets. "Meet you all in the common room, then," he said gruffly, leading his beaming partner out of the classroom. The others began to shift around for their belongings, preparing to leave.

"Erm.... I'll just let you have it, then," Ron overheard Harry say to Parvati.

"Well, I can take it this morning, but I think you should have it in the afternoon--oh, don't you think this is just exciting?--"

From the look on Harry's face, no, he didn't find this exciting. He looked as if he'd rather face the Cruciatus than an enchanted flour sack and Parvati Patil.

Ron looked over at Hermione, but before either could open their mouth, a sort of mewling shriek rose from Neville and Luna's direction.

"What is that!" exclaimed Dean, jumping up from his chair.

Neville looked up at them. "It's crying," he said, panicked, and tried jabbing it with his wand to make it stop. "Luna, do something!" he begged, when his pokes only succeeded in making it squall louder.

Luna made an odd crooning sound in her throat, and picked up the flour sack as one would a naughty kitten, holding it several inches from her face and squinting.

"Yes," she nodded, and tucked the baby into the crook of her elbow.

"Yes what?" Neville sounded panicked. "We didn't get a defective one, did we?"

The rest of the class looked on in interest.

"Oh, no," said Luna, giving her humming a break. "I meant 'yes' as in 'yes, I think he does look like a Reginald.'"

"Reginald!?"

The other three pairs left Neville and Luna to their child.

"Come on, Ron," said Hermione worriedly, tucking the pamphlets in her bag. "Let's take these on up to the common room, we can figure out what to do up there--"

Ron shook his head. "Hermione, we are taking these things back right now. Tell McGonagall you don't want extra credit after all..."

"Ron, we can't!" Hermione scolded. "We can handle it--I mean, after all, twins run in your family. You know how to deal with them. We'll be fine--"

"Hermione, Fred and George were already toilet-trained by the time I was born," Ron said in disgust. "I've never had twin babies before--"

"Ron, you've never even had one baby before," Hermione snapped. His face reddened.

"That's not what I meant--"

"Come on, Ron. Give me a hand." She pushed the blue-swathed bundle into his arms and scooped the pink one onto her shoulder. "Let's go, before these start bawling, too."

Ron grumbled, but followed her as she speedily set off for the common room of Gryffindor Tower.