Remedial History

Chapter Fourteen: Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide to Extreme House Cleaning

Theo and Mrs. Gudgeon followed her to the café and sat down at a table in the back. Miss Tonks took a small, spiral-bound notebook out of her purse and scribbled something in it. A waitress approached their table. “Tea and some hot soup for everyone, I think. There should be a few more people joining us.”

“I haven’t got any Muggle money,” Theo whispered after the waitress had gone.

“Don’t worry about it. My treat.”

Almost as soon as the waitress brought the tea, Professor Lupin sat down at their table. His Muggle jeans and overcoat were sodden, and he was shivering violently. Miss Tonks handed him her own untouched cup of tea and he twined his fingers around it, trying to warm them.

He turned to Theo. “You’ve been leading us quite a chase,” he said. “We went up to Hogwarts yesterday to tell you something, and found that you had run away. We’ve been looking for you around the clock ever since. How did you end up here, of all places?”

“I took the Knight Bus,” Theo explained. “I was going to hitchhike, but as soon as I stuck my thumb out this bus appeared out of nowhere, and then I met up with Mrs. Gudgeon and she invited me to go to London with her ... Did you really jump Stan Shunpike, Miss Tonks? He says you did.”

“Who?” asked Miss Tonks.

“The conductor of the Knight Bus.”

“I may have slapped him once, but I didn’t jump him. I fell down the stairs on top of him, but that was strictly an accident.”

“Back up a bit,” said Professor Lupin. “This sounds interesting. Why on earth did you slap him?”

“If you must know, he made a very lewd suggestion.”

“Really? I had no idea making lewd suggestions to you was so dangerous. I shall have to take care that I never do.” He spoke mildly, but Theo caught a decidedly wicked spark in his eye.

Just then Stubby Boardman walked in. “How’s it going, kid? Had enough of running away yet? Used to do it all the time when I was a kid, and from what I remember, it got old pretty quickly.”

"I don't know," said Theo honestly. "It kind of depends. I'm looking for a safe place to stay."

"We'll find you one," Miss Tonks promised. “By the way, you never did say where you were headed when I met you.”

“Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place,” said Mrs. Gudgeon. “Only we couldn’t find it.”

Professor Lupin and Miss Tonks stared at each other in shock.

Stubby Boardman, on the other hand, seemed entirely unperturbed. “You were on your way to visit me? Great, I love company.” Lupin gave him a stern look, and he added quickly, “But unfortunately this isn’t the best time for me to entertain visitors. Sorry.”

“I’d imagine not, if you’re in a convalescent home,” said Mrs. Gudgeon sympathetically. “I’m terrible sorry to hear you’re not well.”

“Convalescent home?” Mr. Boardman looked blank.

“Oh aye, that’s what it is, isn’t it? He said it was where they took him after he left St. Mungo’s.”

“After who left St. Mungo’s?” Miss Tonks demanded.

“Why, Gilderoy Lockhart, of course. Me friend who I’m on me way to visit.”

The other three adults looked at each other and burst into slightly hysterical laughter.

A plump, fair-haired young man sat down at their table. Theo remembered seeing him at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. “I came as fast as I could after you hung up on me,” he said to Miss Tonks. “Pity the Apparating thing doesn’t work for me. I imagine it must be very convenient.”

“This is Jack Evans,” said Professor Lupin. “Jack, you’ve met Theo Nott, of course, and this is Gladys Gudgeon. Gladys is, er, a friend of Gilderoy Lockhart’s. She’s come to visit him at ... his current address.”

Mr. Evans did a double take and then said, “Oh dear.” He, too, started to laugh. Theo wondered what the joke was. Turning serious, Evans said, “Has anyone heard from Moody or Snape?”

Miss Tonks flipped through the book she’d been writing in earlier. “Nothing. They’re not as used to the Instant Message Books as we are. I just hope they’re checking them every now and then – I’d hate for them to spend another night searching for him.”

“Professor Snape’s looking for me?” Theo asked. He realized, with a sudden rush of panic, that the adults probably would insist on returning him to school eventually, and that he would be in very big trouble with his Head of House when it happened. He almost thought he’d rather face a murderous Draco Malfoy.

“Yes – very hard,” said Lupin. “I will say this much for him, he hasn’t spared himself.”

“You’re being far too generous, Moony. He detests the kid,” said Stubby Boardman.

“Which is precisely why this says a lot about him,” Lupin insisted.

Theo remembered that Draco had told him Snape was a closet supporter of the P.Y.L. “I’m not sure you should trust Professor Snape,” he said. “Did you get my owl, Professor?”

“What owl?”

Just then, the waitress placed a steaming bowl of soup and some bread in front of Theo. A fresh wave of hunger and exhaustion swept over him, and he realized how much he did not feel like telling the whole story all over again.

“Never mind,” said Lupin. “Eat first, explain later.”

Theo was only too glad to obey, and the adults seemed almost as hungry as he was. Nobody spoke for several minutes.

“A safe place for Theo," Miss Tonks said meditatively. "My flat’s much too small to put both of them up, and yours isn't much better, Remus. There's my parents' place, of course, but I don't know how well they'd take a couple of uninvited houseguests…"

"What about my place?" offered Stubby Boardman. "Loads of spare bedrooms there, and if you're right about the kid being in danger –”

"You know that's impossible. Security."

"I'd be happy to take them in for a night or two," said Mr. Evans, "but it's a long way to Surrey, and we'll have to work out some sort of arrangement for guarding Theo…"

While the adults were still looking thoughtful, a short, skinny man with a smashed-in face and a nose that skewed to one side entered the café and stomped up to their table.

"Hello, Davey," said Lupin, shifting around in his chair as if the sight of the man made him slightly uncomfortable.

"'Lo, Remus," muttered Davey, before turning his attention to his wife. "What do you mean by taking off like this, Gladdy? Gadding all over the country, chasing around some -- some bounder of a celebrity author who probably has the morals of a tomcat, without so much as a goodbye or a by-your-leave. Besides -- you know it's Grandma Nimmy and Uncle Draggleforth's night to come to dinner and I can't cook, so what do you expect me to do about that?"

Gladys Gudgeon, who had been sitting there with the expression of a child caught stealing sweets, brightened a little at this last question. "Fish and chips," she replied, with the air of someone who was positive this suggestion would make everything that was wrong with the universe right.

“Sod the fish and chips, this isn't about dinner, it's about -- about Respect for Your Marriage Vows. Such as how you haven't got any.”

Husband and wife glared at each other. “Davey, I haven't done what you're thinking, I swear I've not even met the man yet –”

“And you're not going to meet him if I have anything to do with it,” declared Davey, standing on his toes in a desperate attempt to look taller. “Not unless I meet Mr. I'm-So-Famous Pretty-Boy Vampire-Slayer at the same time and get a few good hexes in.”

“DON'T – HURT – GILDEROY!” shrieked Gladys, causing most of the other patrons in the café to turn around and stare.

“Oh, so it's Gilderoy now, is it, not Mr. Lockhart like you called him in your note –”

“Excuse me," Professor Lupin interrupted in a voice that caused both of the Gudgeons to fall silent, although it was pitched much lower than their own argument. "This sounds like the sort of discussion that the two of you need to continue in private.”

“We really should take them to my place,” said Stubby Boardman in an undertone. “You know perfectly well they won't be having this argument after she actually meets Gilderoy.”

“Well,” said Lupin, looking as if he were choking back laughter, “I have to admit it does look like the best way to restore domestic tranquility -- but even if it were safe to tell them about the house, we can't actually do anything about the Fidelius Charm. There's no way they'd be able to see the place, let alone get inside it.”

“Couldn't we just blindfold them and not tell them where they're going?” suggested Mr. Boardman.

“You can't get around a Fidelius Charm with blindfolds,” said Lupin positively.

“Why not?”

“Because -- Because it's completely silly, that's why.”

Mr. Evans, however, looked up from his soup with interest. “True, but Reg's completely silly ideas have a way of actually working. You never know until you try. May as well have a go, unless anybody’s got a better idea.”

No one did, so Mr. Evans took off his tie and wound it around Gladys Gudgeon's eyes, and Miss Tonks tied her scarf around Theo's. She took him by the hand and led him along several streets, up a flight of steps, and over a threshold.

When she untied the blindfold, Theo found himself in a dark, high-ceilinged entryway with peeling wallpaper and faded carpets. A troll’s-leg umbrella stand stood in one corner, and the silver Runespoor heads on the hat rack seemed about to come alive at any moment. It reminded him uncomfortably of his own family home, and he wondered yet again what sort of people he had fallen in with.

His eyes were still adjusting to the dim light when Professor Moody, who was by far the scariest of his former Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers, Apparated directly in front of him. "WHO are these people," he roared, "and WHAT do you mean by bringing them here? Am I the only person in this madhouse who understands the importance of CONSTANT VIGILANCE?"

"It's all right, Mad-Eye," said Miss Tonks. "This is Theo Nott, you know, the kid you've been looking for since yesterday afternoon, and these people are -- Well, it's a bit hard to explain who they are, but trust me, they're harmless."

"I am not harmless!" shouted Davey Gudgeon. "If I ever get my hands on that Lockhart cad who’s trying to steal my wife, I swear I'll make him eat all his books! Without ketchup!"

"Wait. These people are here because of Gilderoy Lockhart?" asked Professor Moody incredulously.

"Yes, they are," said Mr. Boardman, grinning. "If you'll just help me catch him, I'd say they'll both be out of the way within half an hour."

He and Professor Moody disappeared into a cupboard for several minutes, while the others stood around in the hall listening to a great deal of swearing and some strange squeaking noises.

Just then Professor Lupin sneezed violently and said he’d really better get some dry robes on, and disappeared upstairs just before Professor Moody and Stubby Boardman returned with the oddest-looking house-elf Theo had ever seen. He was grinning insanely and the tufts of white hair that grew out of his ears had been slicked and sculpted with some sort of hair mousse. He smelled strongly of cologne.

“Meet Gilderoy,” announced Stubby Boardman. “He's a bit shorter than most famous authors, but he makes good toast and he can do joined-up writing with the best of them.”

“I’ve fallen in love with a house elf?!?” shrieked Mrs. Gudgeon.

“Love?!?” shouted her husband.

“Gilderoy is not an ordinary house-elf!” exclaimed the house-elf indignantly. “Gilderoy is the author of more than twelve books, including Gilderoy Lockhart is Writing a Guide to Extreme House Cleaning!”

He launched into a demonstration of Extreme House Cleaning, seizing a mop and stabbing at cobwebs with the handle. “Acromantula webs!” he squealed enthusiastically. “Extremely dangerous, but never fear, master, Gilderoy has years of experience dealing with the tricky little beasties! Also, he is the five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award, but he is not talking about that, oh no! He is not ridding master's house of acromantulas by smiling at them!”

He flailed the mop around the room wildly, smashing a vase and scattering chrysanthemums in all directions. Theo and Professor Moody both ducked out of the way while Stubby Boardman grabbed the end of the mop and attempted to wrest it away from Gilderoy.

Mr. Gudgeon, meanwhile, had pulled his wife out into the parlor. It sounded as if they were still arguing, but the noise of Gilderoy crashing around the room drowned out their voices most of the time.

Boardman finally got away with the mop, but the house-elf seemed only slightly bothered by the loss. “And then,” he squeaked, “Gilderoy will be banishing the banshee that is crawling up master’s table!” He grabbed hold of one end of the tablecloth and pulled it onto the floor, sending dishes rolling in all directions. Then he wrapped himself up in it and rolled all over the room, knocking over an end table and several potted plants. At last his head emerged from the tablecloth, wearing a triumphant grin. “She was nearly eating Gilderoy, but Gilderoy is an expert, and he was moving too quickly for her!”

The house-elf bowed. Mr. Boardman applauded politely and presented him with a chrysanthemum. “Thank you, Kreacher. That will be sufficient for today.”

Suddenly the house-elf spotted Theo, who had been doing his best to blend in with the walls like a chameleon. “Oh no, Master Regulus, you must not be bringing that boy here! He is associating with a bad, Dark wizard who is persecuting Gilderoy!” Kreacher hid under the sofa and resisted Stubby Boardman’s attempts to dislodge him with the mop.

“Do you understand what he means?” asked Mr. Boardman. “Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever met your father, as far as you know?”

Theo shook his head, feeling bewildered.

“It’s more likely that Kreacher met Jephthah Nott, sometime before the elder Blacks died,” said Professor Moody darkly. “That could mean his own memories are coming back – which is bad news for all of us.”

“But Kreacher liked Dark wizards,” Mr. Boardman objected. “Positively worshipped them. Unless he’s changed a lot since I was a teenager.”

“He hasn’t,” Moody admitted. A new suspicion clouded his face. “The Nott boy’s been spending a lot of time with Harry, hasn’t he? If Kreacher’s got it into his head that Harry is his enemy, he’s too much of a liability to ...” His voice trailed off as he glanced at Theo, who was sure Moody was thinking of killing the house-elf. He shivered.

“Nonsense, how would he know Theo and Harry are friends when he hasn’t been anywhere near Hogwarts?” asked Mr. Evans. “And I’m sure Harry hasn’t done anything that could be described as persecuting Kreacher. I’m sure he can’t have been persecuting Gilderoy Lockhart either, for that matter.”

Professor Moody looked unconvinced, but said nothing.

The Gudgeons emerged from the parlor with their arms around each other. “Gladdy and I are going home,” Mr. Gudgeon announced. “It was just a little domestic spat, but it’s all over now. Come along, little Puffskein, and I'm sorry I was so hard on you.”

“That's all right, my dear Romanian Longhorn. I know you didn't mean it, and I promise I’ll never let fame and fortune lure me away from our happy home again.”