An Interesting Little Legal Problem

Chapter Ten: In Which Reg Meets the Order, and Kreacher Resurfaces

"I believe his story because it's preposterous," Jack Evans said promptly. "I've been around plenty of liars. They don't make up stuff like this."

"Hermione," said Lupin, "you're absolutely right that his story is improbable in the extreme. But there are some people who have a positive genius for getting themselves into improbable situations, and having known Reg since he was eleven, I can say without a doubt that he has always been one of those people. Logic and reason tend not to work very well where he is concerned."

Hermione still looked dubious, but she admitted, "Well, if you used Legilimency on him I suppose it must be all right..."

"I believe him." Ron spoke quietly, looking up at last. "Only I don't really like to say why, in front of - " He nodded at the Evanses.

"I think Jack and Harriet can take it," said Lupin with a slightly amused note in his voice. He appeared to recognize the book Ron had been examining.

Ron placed the copy of Decorating with Human Transfiguration on the table, spine down. It fell open, in the manner of a book that had frequently been left open at a particular page, to the beginning of Chapter 13: "How to Disguise Your Favourite Muggle-Hunting Trophy as Another Species of Animal."

He turned back to the flyleaf, which bore a name written in spidery handwriting: Bellatrix Black. "I reckon Fred and George aren't going to be able to do those Quidditch hats after all," he said.

Lupin appeared to have reached a decision. "Reg ... there's something you need to know about your family's house. It's being used as the headquarters of - a secret society of sorts."

"Well, I'll put a stop to that," said Reg. "I've had more than enough of secret societies for one lifetime. Why didn't Sirius do anything about it?"

"Sirius was in the society." Lupin hesitated a moment and added, "So am I. You might want to give us a chance - we're not anything like the Death Eaters. In fact, the whole purpose of this society is to fight against the Death Eaters."

"You don't say!" Reg looked mightily impressed. "My brother was a secret agent? And you, Moony? Well, I always said it was the quiet ones you had to look out for. Could I join, too?"

"Naturally. It's your house, after all." Harry saw a slight furrow appear on his guardian's forehead, and suspected that he was wondering how on earth he would explain this latest development to the rest of the Order.

"Let's go claim the house right now," said Reg. "Has anybody got any Floo Powder? Oh - " he looked around the flat - "you don't have a fireplace?"

"We could take Arjeplog," Luna offered. "He seats loads of people, and if we all get under the Transparency Blanket, we can go straight through London and nobody will see us."

Mark and Reg seemed particularly keen on this idea, Lupin less so. He drew Harry aside. "What's riding on Arjeplog like?"

"Bone-shattering," Harry answered truthfully.

"It looked that way. You know, I expect Jack and Harriet will be more comfortable taking the Underground, and I think I'll go with them - it will give us a chance to figure out how we're going to brief the Order. Here's Dumbledore's piece of parchment; don't forget that Reg and Luna will have to read it to get past the Fidelius charm. Oh ... and before I forget - Reg!"

"What's up, Moony?"

Lupin pointed his wand at his unexpected guest. "Libereloqueris!"

"Thanks!" said Reg admiringly. "You do think of everything, don't you?"

"That's how you lift the Soloresponsus curse," Lupin explained to Harry. "I'd better warn you that from now on, he will probably never shut up. Keep a close eye on Reg on the way to Grimmauld Place, won't you? Don't let him run away or anything."

"I thought you trusted him. You do, don't you?"

"I trust him not to be a Death Eater. I wouldn't trust him for a minute not to be Regulus Black."

* * *

By the time they galumphed up to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place an hour later, Harry understood what his guardian had meant. Negotiating the city traffic on an invisible Crumple-Horned Snorkack was a challenge in itself - Luna had to swerve several times to keep Arjeplog from stomping on a car or smashing someone with his tail - but looking after Reg made everything much harder. It was not that he seemed to have the slightest touch of malice about him, it was that everything in Muggle London interested him, he became distracted easily, and he seemed to have an extremely relaxed attitude toward the rules of secrecy that had been drilled into Harry ever since he entered the wizard world. Ron was still absorbed in Decorating with Human Transfiguration and Luna was busy steering Arjeplog, so the difficult task of controlling Regulus fell to Harry and Hermione.

"Is that the Tower?" Reg asked. "Nearly Headless Nick used to tell stories about that place that would make your hair stand on end, but I've never been there myself. Let's go in and have a look! We could get past the guards easily under this thing."

"Ooh, can't we, Harry?" pleaded Mark.

"Maybe some other time," said Harry. "There are hordes of tourists there, Arjeplog's bound to trample on somebody." In fact, there were hordes of tourists everywhere; Harry thought it would be a miracle if they got through the journey without killing anyone.

"Do Snorkacks swim, Luna?" he asked as they galumphed along the banks of the Thames, dodging vendors and street artists. "Wouldn't it be quicker if we went by river?"

"No, Reg, he'd be splashing all over the place, and I don't know if he'd be able to get out of the river," said Hermione through gritted teeth.

"Isn't she a cutie!" Reg indicated a passing policewoman. "Do you think she'd like a ride?"

"No. She's a police officer, they're sort of like Aurors, and she's on duty. Offering her a ride would be a very bad idea, especially on something invisible."

"Listen to this, Mark," came Ron's voice from the rear end of the Snorkack. "'When hosting an official dinner party, nothing says you mean business like a centerpiece made from the head of the last person who displeased you. Unfortunately, many gentle readers of the last edition of Decorating with Human Transfiguration have reported that after trying this trick several times, they encountered an inexplicable shortage of people willing to displease them. If this happens to you, we can only suggest that you sacrifice the milkman.'"

"That isn't funny, Ron!" snapped Hermione. "Colin's father is a milkman!"

"I'm not going to try any of this stuff," Ron protested, "it's just interesting to read about. Besides, you're the one who's always complaining that I don't read enough."

"That big dome up there is St. Paul's, isn't it?" said Reg cheerfully. "I always wanted to see St. Paul's. Mum and Dad would never let me visit any of the Muggle landmarks..."

Harry fielded this one. "Well, you can go any time you like - after you claim your inheritance!" Actually, he wasn't sure about this; as an ex-Death Eater who had been reported dead, Reg would probably be in even more danger than Sirius if he left the house. But, he decided, there would be time to think about that later.

Reg rode along in silence until they found themselves stuck in traffic outside a Muggle pub. "Just a minute - going to pop in for a spot of fortification," he muttered, and almost before Harry could take in what was happening, he had slid off the Snorkack's back, ducked out from under the Transparency Blanket, and slipped inside.

Hermione took charge. "Ron, Luna, hold Arjeplog still and make sure Mark doesn't go anywhere. Harry, come with me - just wait until nobody's looking and take cover between those two parked cars so we aren't spotted." Inside the pub, they discovered Reg downing another Scotch and offering to bet a ginger-haired man ten pounds that he could make himself invisible.

"You win." Hermione took a crumpled ten-pound note out of her pocket and handed it to the ginger-haired man. "Don't mind anything my father says, sometimes he gets drunk and gets the idea he can do magic. Come on, Dad, it's time to go home."

"He hasn't paid for his drink yet," said the barman.

"I haven't got any money," said Reg testily. "Why d'you think I was making bets in the first place? How am I supposed to pay for anything if you won't let me collect?"

"Fine, I'll buy your drink," said Hermione, giving another ten-pound note to the barman and not waiting for change. "But you Must. Leave. Now."

"I think your daughter's right, mate. Sounds like you've had a few already."

"Daughter?" said Reg as they left the pub and crept back under the cloak. "I didn't know you were my daughter! But I thought you were Muggle-born."

"I am," said Hermione.

"Ohh!" Reg slapped his forehead as if a sudden thought had struck him. "Your mother is Elsie, that cute little waitress in Edinburgh, right? I wonder why she didn't tell me she was expecting?"

"I think you've misunder-"

"Say no more, I'm proud to be the father of such a fine-looking, smart young lady. Just comes as a bit of a shock, is all. Does Moony know? Why didn't he mention it?"

"Excuse me," said Luna. "Why do you keep calling Professor Lupin Moony if his first name is Remus?"

"I think you'd better ask Professor Lupin that," said Harry quickly. "It's sort of personal."

"Oh. Does it have anything to do with him being a werewolf?"

"You know about that?" Harry asked. Since Luna had asked when Lupin would be returning to Hogwarts, he had assumed she did not.

"I've known for ages," said Luna. "Since the first time I saw him, really. They all sort of have the same look to them, kind of pale and everything. Daddy's interviewed loads of them for The Quibbler. He's very interested in werewolf rights."

Hermione gave Luna a sharp look. Harry suspected she was not pleased that Luna had picked up immediately on something it had taken her months to work out. He tried simultaneously to defuse the tension between the two girls and distract Reg. "So, Reg, do you have any good stories about, uh, Moony when you were both at school?"

"Sure! Loads! Like I said, it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for. Did he ever tell you about the time he decided to see if Aragog liked ice cream...?"

* * *

The Order had clearly been having a long and earnest discussion when they arrived: there were several empty wine bottles scattered about the front hall, and Mundungus Fletcher had passed out at the foot of the stairs. Reg strode up to him, removed a nearly full bottle from his hand, and took a long drink. Mundungus stirred and made a feeble attempt at protest. "Sorry mate," said Reg, "but I needed that more than you did. I haven't had a drink in six- "

" - ty minutes, more or less," said Lupin.

"Less," said Harry meaningfully.

"Well, all right, but it was sixteen years before that. It takes time to recover from these things." Reg looked around the hall at the other members of the Order: Snape, who was regarding him with distinct loathing; Mad-Eye Moody; Dedalus Diggle; Kingsley Shacklebolt; Arthur, Molly, and Bill Weasley; and finally Tonks, who seemed delighted to see him. "Who's she? She's quite a looker."

"Your cousin," Lupin informed him. If it had not seemed so unlike him, Harry would have sworn he sounded a little smug.

"That's how you tell the purebloods, Moony - we don't consider that an impediment. As far as the Black family traditions go, incest is one of the nicer ones." Reg crossed the room to where Tonks was standing. "Are you really little Nymphadora? Last time I saw you, you were still dragging that old stuffed niffler around. Aren't you going to give your long-lost cousin a kiss?" Without waiting for a reply, he gave her a loud smack on the lips. She looked startled.

"Excuse me," said Lupin, stepping forward and blushing slightly. "Tonks only gets kissed if she wants to be kissed."

"It's all right, Remus, I can take care of myself," said Tonks, smiling. Harry remembered what Ginny had said at the ice cream parlor and suspected she might not be entirely displeased by his guardian's reaction. And when Reg stepped back with a knowing smirk on his face, Harry also began to wonder if this had been precisely the reaction he had been hoping to provoke.

The arresting spectacle of the family portraits caught Reg's attention next. "What's happened to dear old Mum?" he asked.

Ron explained. "Do you remember my brothers, Fred and George, from when you were at Hogwarts? They had ... sort of an accident with some Face-Freezing Spray."

"Oh, was it one of those on-purpose accidents?" asked Reg. "I know all about those. Used to have them all the time when I was a boy. Your brothers are fine young men, from what I saw of them. They'll go far. That reminds me, Moony, I've been admiring this beautiful, intelligent young lady all year, and now she tells me she's my daughter! You sly dog, why didn't you say anything?"

"Daughter?" said Lupin. He was looking at Luna, rather than Hermione.

"We'll explain later," mumbled Harry.

Reg had spotted another old acquaintance from Hogwarts. He slapped Snape on the back. "Hello, Sev! You probably didn't recognize me, but I've sat in on loads of your classes! You're very funny when you're giving people detention." He gave Harry a small wink.

Snape fixed Reg with a frozen stare. "You're. Supposed. To. Be. Dead," he informed the new arrival.

"I have been," said Reg cheerfully, "but it was only temporary. I got better."

Snape turned away. "Another Black," he muttered. "I think I liked his brother better. At least he occasionally showed a glimmer of intelligence."

Everybody was waiting to see what Reg would come up with next, but it was Mad-Eye Moody who broke the silence. "THERE IT IS!" he shouted, pointing to a spot halfway up the stairs. "THAT LAMPSHADE I TOLD YOU ABOUT! AFTER IT!"

They all stared. "There's nothing there," said Ron.

"Oh yes, master, Kreacher is there!" said a voice from the place Moody had indicated. "Kreacher has been waiting anxiously for master's return." A hand emerged from the spot, and then a head, and then the entire body of the demented house-elf. "Kreacher is knowing that the new master is a true son of the House of Black, not like the other one who is dead, and that Master Regulus will kick this nasty mess of blood traitors, mudbloods, and thieves out of the house. Kreacher has been doing his best to assist in his small way, by pushing a gargoyle onto the head of the blood traitor Snape and pulling a ladder out from under the other one with the ridiculous earring, and Kreacher is hoping for a reward from the new master."

"Kreacher has been sadly misinformed about the new master's intentions!" snapped Reg. "I'm not seventeen anymore, and I can think for myself. These people are guests in my house, and I order you not to cause harm to them in any way, and you are not under any circumstances to repeat their conversations to anybody! Is that absolutely crystal clear, Kreacher?"

"Oh yes, new master, Kreacher begs pardon," said Kreacher, adding in an audible undertone, "Master has changed for the worse ... brainwashed by this den of blood traitors ..."

"And NO MUTTERING!" shouted Reg.

Tonks stumbled over something nobody could see and groped around until she had removed Fred and George's missing Transparency Blanket from a large, dingy lampshade. "Of course," she said. "Why didn't we see it before? He must have stolen this after the twins donated it earlier this summer. He couldn't put on the Transparency Blanket, because it probably counts as clothes, but he could throw it over something else and then skulk around underneath it."

"We still can't trust him," said Moody. "He's too far gone to know he's muttering, half the time, and he's never going to give his new master more than a grudging measure of loyalty. At the very least, he'll have to have his memory modified."

"No worries," said Reg. "He's my house-elf. I'll take care of it."

"You don't have a wand," Lupin pointed out.

"No, but I know where Uncle Alphie kept his." Reg removed a cane from the troll's-leg umbrella stand, unscrewed the handle, and extracted a wand from its hollow interior. "Obliviate!"

There was a loud bang and a sudden puff of smoke. Moody jumped about ten feet in the air, and the house-elf lay unconscious on the floor.

"Uh-oh," said Reg. "I guess I'm not used to this wand yet. Maybe I should have practiced on something that wasn't alive first."

Kreacher began to stir. "Where is Gilderoy?" he murmured. "The last thing Gilderoy remembers, he is entering the Chamber of Secrets." He looked around at the members of the Order, who were all staring at him, and grinned broadly. "Gilderoy is pleased to be surrounded by so many eager admirers! If anybody is wanting a signed photo, the queue is beginning off to the left."

"How interesting," remarked Arthur Weasley. "He seems to have got somebody else's stray memories by accident."

"That's not possible," said Moody flatly.

"But it has to be possible, or it couldn't have happened," insisted Arthur.

"I tell you, laddie, it isn't!"

"In my experience, Reg has never confined his adventures to the realm of the possible," Lupin interrupted after they had been arguing for several minutes, "and I'm certainly not expecting him to start now."

"I don't like this at all," muttered Moody darkly. "This Gilderoy person hasn't got any authority to be here."

"Oh, stop being so paranoid, Mad-Eye," said Tonks. "The Death Eaters aren't going to get anything out of him now - except maybe an autograph!"

"Think this is funny, do you?" said Snape. "It was bad enough that I had to put up with that incompetent charlatan for an entire year while he was pretending to be a professor. Now we're never going to be rid of him."

"Gilderoy is not an incompetent charlatan, sir! Gilderoy is an Order of Merlin, Third Class AND the most frequent winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award!" Kreacher's wizened face wrinkled with a toothless smile.

Carefully stepping over Mundungus, Lupin sat down on the stairs to watch the scene unfold and motioned to Harry to join him.

"You know," he said with an almost boyish sparkle in his eyes, "I think Reg's going to blend right in with the rest of us."