Moonlight

Chapter Eleven

John and Joanne

"Remus?"

Remus was sitting on the edge of his bed on the night of his return home from Hogwarts for the summer holidays. The voice that called him from the doorway was that of his mother, Joanne.

"Mum?"

She came over and sat down beside him. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. It always made Remus feel a little better when she did that. "Something's bothering you." It wasn't a question.

Remus nodded.

Joanne froze in mid-caress. And then she peered more closely at his hair. "Remus, would you hand me the torch in your bedside table, please?"

Remus opened the drawer to his bedside table and took out the Muggle flashlight he used to use when he was little to read up past his bedtime. Because his mother was a Muggle, there was a half-and-half atmosphere to the Lupin household. Some things in it were magic, and some were Muggle. He often wondered how his father had come to love his mother, even though she couldn't do magic, as he could. And he wondered how his mother felt when his father could wave a wand and cook something, while she had to do it on the Muggle stove.

Joanne clicked on the flashlight and used it to examine her son's hair. After a minute the heat from the light became intense on his scalp.

"Mum--"

"I don't believe it!" Joanne gasped. "John!"

Remus' father jogged up the stairs, his brow faintly furrowed. "What is it, Jo?" he asked, poking his head in the doorway to Remus' bedroom.

"Mum, please turn the torch off," Remus said. "It's burning me."

"Oh! Sorry, Remus." Joanne turned off the flashlight and took her hands away from his head. "John," she said, turning to her husband, "would you take a look at this?"

John took out his wand and muttered, "Lumos."

Remus rubbed the spot on his scalp where the light of the flashlight had been heating it intensely.

John held his lit wand over him and looked at his son's hair. "His hair," he said woodenly.

"Don't make such a fuss," Remus entreated them both. "Mum, it's not a big deal--"

"Not a big deal? Remus! You're only sixteen and you're already getting gray hair!"

"It's only one gray hair, Mum!"

"It's a side-effect of lycanthropy, Jo," John said quietly. "Signs of aging appear earlier than in--than in other people."

"You mean normal people," Remus muttered bitterly.

John sighed. "Nox," he muttered, and the light on his wand tip went out.

Remus rose from his bed and pushed his way past his parents.

"Remus, where are you going?" his mother asked when he reached the door.

"Outside," said Remus. "I--I need some air. That's all." Without a backward glance he went down the stairs, out the front door, and stood on the front lawn of the Lupins' cottage, which stood in the serene, deciduous countryside, surrounded by tall trees bordering the small forest clearing in which they lived. Remus folded his arms and swayed slightly on the spot, staring blankly at the patch of grass in front of him that had to be the exact spot where he'd been attacked by that werewolf all those years ago. He couldn't help but feel sorry for that wolf, knowing that it couldn't control its actions when it was like that. He now knew the same horrors that whatever person was inside that monster had to face every full moon, and empathizing with it was inevitable for Remus.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply the scent of the trees as the wind blew through them. He loved the scent so much. He was also coming to love the scent of lilac combined with vanilla, which seemed to hang in his nose from the mere memory of it....

"Remus?"

Remus looked over his shoulder and saw his father step out the front door.

"Could we chat a moment?" he asked. He folded his arms and came to stand beside his son on the lawn near Remus' mother's little garden of filled with gladioli, snowdrops, daisies, daffodils, tulips, and buttercups, and even a rosebush on a wire frame.

Remus nodded.

The wind picked up again, the trees rustling with their calming resonances, and then died down.

"Son," said John, "I know you find your mother a bit unbearable at times, but...you must understand why she worries the way she does."

"Yeah, I understand. I've understood that for a while."

His father said nothing. It seemed he knew that Remus had more on his mind than just his mother's alarm at his hair and the possibility that his lycanthropy might have shortened his life expectancy. However, he was not going to prompt Remus to continue. He was simply waiting for Remus to continue on his own.

Remus sighed. "Dad?"

"Hm?"

"When did...? How did you--How did you meet Mum?"

His father chuckled, and Remus quickly glanced at him before gazing back out at the front lawn again to see a reminiscent smile on John's face.

"Oh Remus," he said, the laughter lingering in his voice, "I wondered when the day would come when you would ask me that question. Well...uh-ha...it all started, actually, with this inexplicable desire to get into the business of making wizards' watches. I always had a fascination with timepieces. They're mechanisms with a synchronized system of gears and cogs, but their only purpose is to measure the passing of time. I was also very interested in Muggle watches. When I got out of Hogwarts, I started work at Keys and Quartz in Diagon Alley. That was another watch shop, but it's long since gone out of business. Anyway, in my spare time, I'd sneak into London and visit various Muggle clock, watch, and jewelry shops. And one day, it was pouring rain, and the next shop I went into--" Here the traces of laughter rose in his voice "--I went in soaking wet! I mean I felt like I'd just jumped into a lake! I don't even remember the name of the shop, but the first thing I saw...was your mother."

Here the laughter faded away, and immediately grew mild with fond recollection. Remus could see his father's eyes transform into the way they always looked whenever John gazed at Joanne.

"I swept the wet hair out of my eyes...and there she was...standing behind the counter...leafing through a Muggle magazine. She looked up from it, and when she saw me...uh-ha...I could tell she was trying so hard not to laugh. I was blushing horribly, of course--I felt so stupid, standing there. I hadn't said a word. I was just standing there, staring, while she went to the back of the shop, still trying not to laugh as she got me a towel to dry my hair. When she handed me the towel...our hands brushed against each other...and there was this jolt...and I looked up...and she was looking at me...and our eyes met...and...er, well, immediately we both looked away, but...from that moment on I was in love with her.

"We talked while I dried off, and at once...I think we both felt this...mutual desire to keep seeing each other--which of course we did--and then after about a couple of months...I told her what I was."

Remus glanced over at his father, and saw his eyes had changed again to something unreadable and faraway. For a moment, Remus imagined a world where Lily did not already know he was a werewolf, and then on some date with her in the vague future, where she was dressed in exotically sensual togs, he revealed to her what he was.... Quickly he pulled himself back to reality. "Er, you told Mum you were a wizard?" he asked John.

His father nodded.

Remus inquired of her reaction.

"She thought I was playing a cruel trick on her--cruel because I kept insisting that it was true," John replied.

Remus returned transitorily to his vision of his date with Lily, and saw her reaction to him as he told her that he was a werewolf. To his horror, it was one of outrage and disgust.... His mind came back to the front lawn and small garden of the Lupins' at the sound of his father's voice.

"I of course wouldn't let up, because I was telling the truth. She got frustrated with me and stormed out of the café--that's where we'd been having our date, at the time. I sent her a letter the next day by owl post. It contained things that I tried to point out to her, like the fact that I hadn't the faintest idea how to use a telephone. Even the owl itself was supposed to be physical evidence that I came from a different world hidden from hers. To my surprise, she sent me a reply using the owl. She still wanted to see me. She wanted to meet with me, and have me prove to her that I was a wizard. I sent her another letter saying that I couldn't, because it was against wizarding law to do magic in plain sight of a Muggle. I knew she wouldn't like reading that at all. But she replied--again. She was still in love with me, but in her reply she asked me how she was supposed to trust me then. I wrote back, saying that I had no answer to that. After that I received no reply. We didn't speak for a fortnight.

"That time...was awful for me.... I missed her so much...yet I was beginning to believe that it was over between us. I didn't want it to be...the mere idea of it was killing me...." John sighed.

Remus couldn't be sure in the early summer evening light, but he thought he saw his father's eyes grow misty. He was even more certain of it when his father looked over at him to meet his gaze.

"The Daily Prophet was starting to show signs of being taken over by You-Know-Who's Death Eaters. I began to worry. By then I was in between my job at Keys and Quartz, and opening up my own shop, so I was spending a lot more time in Diagon Alley. And I was hearing the rumors--the things the Daily Prophet wasn'tprinting. As I heard more and more about attacks on Muggles, I began to worry incessantly about your mother. From what I'd heard, I was sure that she was alright, but I couldn't ignore this gnawing need to make sure for myself. To this day I shudder to think what might have happened if I hadn't done so." And then John did as he claimed, closing his eyes and shuddering with the memory he was about to divulge next to his son.

"What happened?" Remus breathed.

John opened his eyes, and took a deep breath. "I went to her flat in London where we had enjoyed a few evenings alone together--" An ephemeral flicker of pleasure flitted across his face "--and, er, she was there. We were both rather stiff with each other. She invited me in for a cuppa, and we sat in her sitting room as though we were meeting for the only the first or second time, as though we had never been intimate with each other before. Regardless, I shook off my awkwardness and warned her that she was in danger, and that I had come to make sure she was alright. Naturally she was taking it as an extension of my, 'I'm a wizard' ploy, but she didn't openly let on. She was subtle. I could tell she was hurt, however, and that she was finding it very hard to be subtle, when all she really wanted to do was...yell at me, I suppose. In any case, I wish she had, because the quiet tension was just too much. I took the hint and left. But...I continued to keep an eye on her.

"I, er, stalked her, essentially. However, I was only doing it for her protection. Never mind that at least it gave me a chance to keep seeing her." John became slightly flustered.

"It's alright, Dad," said Remus, who had to admit to himself that he had secretly followed Lily once or twice before without her knowing it. "Go on. It obviously turned out alright in the end."

John laughed, seeming to relax again. "Yes! Yes, it did. Well...erm...it was a bit tricky, balancing keeping tabs on her while at the same time transitioning from Keys and Quartz to my own private business in Diagon Alley, but I managed it. And one night, after about a week of this, I followed her to this Muggle place they called a dance hall, and it was very hard to keep an eye on her there, let me tell you. All of these Muggles were dancing around--a dance they called 'swing'. It was easy to keep a low profile however, because of all the people. I watched her from a corner of the room, and it was all I could do not to do anything when she started getting cozy with this other young man who started to dance with her. I was quite relieved she did not go home with him, of course. On her way home, however, she turned into this alley, and then turned around and told me to come out of wherever I was hiding. And at the moment I was behind a dustbin, and I had gone to remove the Disillusionment charm I'd placed on myself, only to realize that that night, I'd forgotten. And that was how she'd managed to see me. I stepped out from behind the dustbins, and er...uh ha...was a little intimidated by the fury on her face.

"I took a deep breath and started to explain the situation with You-Know-Who, and how he and his Death Eaters murder Muggles for fun, and she got angry with me, and we were arguing, and then the man with whom she'd been dancing so cozily at the night club appeared...out of nowhere. Joanne didn't realize what that meant, but I on the other hand, had an inkling, because I, being a wizard, knew how Apparition worked--how when one Apparates, they can seem to appear out of nowhere. And then I realized that I recognized the man, and knew he was no Muggle, but was, in fact, a wizard, by the name of Michel Dolohov.

"He was already pinned as one of You-Know-Who's earliest Death Eaters. You may have heard of his son, Antonin?"

Remus blinked. "I--I have heard of him, actually." As a matter of fact, he had not only heard of Antonin Dolohov: he had met him once.

John nodded. "Well, pardon the cliché, but Michel Dolohov had a murderous gleam in his eye that night. I was staring at him fearfully, but your mother's face was amused. She asked him what he was doing here. She wasn't afraid at all. She was laughing blithely, completely unaware how dangerous this man was. She didn't even seem to notice the ominous way he was smiling at her as he drew out his wand. I drew out mine too the moment I saw him go for his. But I wished at once I had somehow managed to get mine out beforehim, inconspicuously, because before I could utter an incantation, he--he put her under the Cruciatus Curse.... I don't know if you know this as well, but his son is believed to be behind the mounting cases of Muggle torture in recent months."

"Like father, like son, then," said Remus quietly. He spoke rather tentatively. His father had run a hand through his brown hair, and was now rubbing the back of his neck with it. His face had drained of color while recounting these events, and Remus had never in his life seen his father look so shaken--except of course when Remus awoke after the night he'd been attacked by the werewolf that had branded him for life with a single nip on the shoulder.

John glanced at him. "Yes," he said softly. "Like father, like son. Anyway...." He took a deep breath and let his hand drop to his side. "I heard her screams...saw her topple and fall to her hands and knees...through her pain she demanded to know what the hell was going on...looked up at him, and at last saw the twisted smile on his twisted, evil face and the wand in his hand pointing at her--she didn't know it was a wand, exactly, I suppose, but she knew it was what was at that moment causing her such agony. Or she guessed, at any rate. I had never felt such a rush of--of emotions come over me: fear, anguish, rage...with my love for her acting as a momentum, lifting them to the extreme, so that I not only felt fear, but my mouth dried up with it, and I not only felt anguish, but my heart cried out with it, and I not only felt rage, but...my veins crackledwith it--and the next thing I knew I was roaring an Impediment Jinx at him, and I sent him smacking into the alley wall with a crack that even now disturbs me."

"Why does it disturb you?"

"I had broken his spine. In fact, my Jinx had been so powerful that it had all but shattered it. And from what I understood from Ministry authorities later on, when they'd mended it at St. Mungo's, they were unable to do so without leaving it deformed. And thus it was my doing that Michel Dolohov spent the rest of his life as a hunchback."

This last sentence sent a chill up Remus' own spine. Clearing his throat, he asked, "But was the curse off Mum then?"

John's lips parted into a smile that was slight and tender in a way that made it appear wistful. "Yes, it was.... I...I helped her up and took her in my arms--God I couldn't remember ever shaking so badly--and then,"--He chuckled, his features brightening immensely--"I asked her, 'Do you believe me now?' And of course, she did, and well...you basically know the rest of the story." He looked over at Remus, his eyes bright with paternal adoration.

Remus turned to gaze out at the lawn, at the sunset--the trees of the forest all around them silhouetting black against the blood-red sky. He heaved a sigh and said, "Dad...I think I'm in love."

~

Later that evening, Remus lay out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his hands folded beneath his head. The advice his father had given him a few minutes ago on the porch churned in his mind.

"If you love her--truly love her--don't let anything stand in your way, son...."

Remus had only decided to let James have her because he'd never dreamed in a million years that any female of any species would ever return his love. Or even love him, regardless of whether or not he lovedthem. But the fact that Lily had kissed him...willingly kissed him....

She can't want me: she won't want me once...my lycanthropy will just ruin it in the end. Right now she may not care, but she'll care if we ever get...intimate...she'll see what I'm like when I'm like that...and it'll repulse her, he thought. Besides, she and I are too much alike: she and James are a far better fit. They balance each other out. And...her kiss may not have even meant anything.... He found this idea hurt a little, so he closed his eyes and turned his ruminations to something else on his mind: Antonin Dolohov.

In Remus' first year, Michel Dolohov's only son had been a Slytherin seventh-year. One January afternoon, shortly after the Christmas holidays, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter had been enjoying a good snowball fight, and Remus had had the misfortune at one point to miss his target--Sirius--and instead his icy, spherical missile had collided with the side of Antonin's head while he and his two best mates--Evan Rosier and Rudolphus Lestrange--were heading up to the castle.

Antonin yelled and whirled around. His gaze fell immediately on Remus. Without hesitation he advanced, before James or Sirius had a chance to come to his aid. Yet he did not advance like a brutish gorilla. He swaggered, and there was a wicked grin on his pale and twisted face.

"All right there, squirt?" he taunted. "You'd be that Lupin kid, wouldn't you?" Evan and Rudolphus were sniggering on either side of him. Remus vaguely recalled that Rudolphus had once mentioned in a casual, yet smug way that his paternal uncle had been one of Voldemort's schoolmates while they'd been at Hogwarts together.

Remus said nothing. He stared up at these seventeen-year old wizards towering over him as he shivered in his eleven-year old skin.

"You're a quiet erk, aren't you?" he teased, his cold blue eyes boring into the mild brown umber of Remus'.

Remus struggled to remain resolute and maintain eye contact.

"He looks just like a thing like him would, of course," Antonin added softly, his smile twisting his already twisted visage even more horribly. "Daddy Lupin's watch shop made him a skint little cub."

Remus gulped, fearing the worst, and all he could think was: How does he know? How did he know what I am? Then, to his intense relief, he felt James and Sirius on either side of him, with Peter hovering somewhere behind, and he felt his whole being flood not only with strength, but also with fraternal gratitude and affection.

At their appearance, Antonin said, "Ooh, lookee here, boys: I think Loopy's chums here want to have a go at us."

Rudolphus had raised his eyebrows, and his cruel smile had widened. His gaze was fixed on Sirius. "Hey! It's him! That's the nasty blighter right there!" The lazy gesture he made with his hand to Sirius contrasted with the excitement in his voice.

"Who?" asked Evan, as he and Antonin turned their attention to Sirius as well.

"Bella's squicky brat cousin," Rudolphus replied with pleasurable contempt. "Oh," he added, laughing mockingly at Sirius' perplexed expression. "You don't know about me and Bella, do you? She tells me all the time how she'd like to play a game with you and the Cruciatus Curse."

"That Bella's a feisty one, mate," said Antonin in a congratulatory sort of tone, clapping Rudolphus on the shoulder. "Choicest selection of the Black sisters, if you ask me."

"Well, the middle one, Narcissa--" Evan began.

"The white-haired bird?" Antonin interrupted.

"Yeah, her. She's not so bad. Bit of an ice queen though."

"Not to young Lucius, I hear...."

"Oh really...?

"Well, she's a far sight better than the baby," Rudolphus commented scornfully. The next word out of his mouth, which he pronounced as if it were acid on his tongue, was: "Andromeda."

Remus felt Sirius grow taught beside him, and knew his friend had just tightly clenched his fists.

"You mean that Ravenclaw fourth-year bird that looks like Bella?" asked Evan.

"Never guess she was a Black, would you?" Rudolphus said, grinning maniacally. "Bella tells me the manky blood-traitor's got a wee crush on the Hufflepuff prefect--you know, the Mudblood, Ted Tonks." Under his breath he added, "Cacky tart."

Sirius leapt at him in a flash of his black winter cloak like a dog going for the throat of its victim. Although considering Sirius' height compared to Rudolphus', Sirius couldn't quite reach Rudolphus' throat. Instead he managed to ram himself into Rudolphus' stomach, knocking the wind out of him. "You take that back you bleeding wanker!" he roared, clawing madly with his hands, even as Antonin grabbed him by the neck of his cloak and pulled him off of Rudolphus as if he were doing nothing more than plucking a puppy up by the scruff of the neck.

He then tossed Sirius aside unceremoniously into the snow.

Peter squealed, while Remus and James each took an arm and helped Sirius back onto his feet.

"You see how jumped up those blood-traitors get?" said Rudolphus savagely. "They're all mental, the lot of them!"

"All the more reason to weed out the little buggers," growled Evan.

"But not before we deal with the Mudbloods and filth," said Antonin contemptuously. He rounded on Remus, his fists clenched. "Don't think I don't know, Loopy. Don't think I don't know about your father. Don't think I don't know that your father, the great-great-grandson of a squicky Mudblood, was the dirty bastard who crippled my father, forcing him to live in misery until the day he died!" He was roaring now, and as he did he drew out his wand from within the folds of his cloak and pointed it at Remus.

Before Remus, James, Sirius, or Peter could react, a jet of red light burst forth from the end of Antonin's wand and hit Remus squarely on the nose. There was a sickening CRACK, and pain erupted where the spell had struck: an intense, throbbing pain, that made Remus' eyes water as he cried out, fell to his knees, and clutched his nose, which he now realized with horror was not only bleeding freely, but also now protruding from his face at an odd angle. His eyes watering, he blinked up at Antonin, who still bristled with fury.

As a manic gleam showed in his eye, he growled, "And don't think I don't know what you are either! I cansense it!" He raised his wand. "Avada--rrggghhh!"

The rest of the spell was lost as Antonin's mouth rapidly filled with bubbles and soap. James and Sirius had both attempted spells on Antonin, only to be stopped by Evan and Rudolphus with a Stunning Spell each. And so Peter--of all people--had managed to step in right in the nick of time and hurl a Cleaning Spell at Antonin.

Antonin fell to his knees as he violently coughed and choked on the soapy suds.

"What's going on here?" a brusque voice demanded behind the three seventh-year Slytherins.

Everyone except Antonin whirled around to see Professor McGonagall approaching them. And at her heels was a small girl by the name of Alice Cadell. Remus had often seen her and Lily talking together over meals in the Great Hall and homework in the Gryffindor common room or in the library.

The sixteen-year old Remus shivered on his bed. It chilled him to realize that Antonin had tried to kill him that day. At first he couldn't believe that a seventeen-year old could be capable of such things, but then again, Antonin was now a suspected Death Eater, and the more Remus thought about it, the more he believed it would make perfect sense that all of Voldemort's Death Eaters had probably gained the confidence to murder without thought at the age of seventeen. Voldemort himself had no doubt already murdered before he'd even left school.

Remus turned over and closed his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep entirely, but he did. Voices from the past arose from his subconscious mind to his consciousness...and he heard himself laughing as a seven-year old as his father hung him upside down by his ankles....

"Daddy...! Daddy, stop! Quick!"

"Oh, of course!" his father laughed as he put Remus right side up again and set him back down onto his feet. "Off to stargaze, then?"

"Yep!" Remus went into his father's arms and gave him a squeeze before he dashed from the sitting room and out into the front hall.

"Remus! Remus, love, where are you going?" he heard his mother demand from the kitchen as he grasped the handle of the front door of their house.

"I'm going outside!" he called back over his shoulder.

His mother came out of the kitchen and into the front hall, her hands on her hips. "Remus John Lupin, are you out of your mind? It's dark out! And it's past your bedtime to boot!"

"It's not that dark out, Mum! The stars and the moon are out and they're all so bright! Please, Mummy, I want to go look at them! Please, please, please!" He begged with his hands folded together in supplication, and he was bouncing earnestly on the balls of his feet.

They heard his father laugh again from where Remus had left him in the sitting room. "Come on now, Jo! Let him have a little fun! You know how crazy he is about the night sky!"

"Thanks, Daddy!" said Remus. He gave his slightly-taken-aback mother a hug too. Then he spun around and wrenched the door open. As he ran outside onto the front porch it seemed his mother had regained the power of speech, because next he heard her exclaim from inside the house, "Remus!--John! Don't you know tonight's a full...?!" But her words were lost as he continued to race down the front porch steps and out onto the front lawn.

He spread his arms wide open and drank in the sight of the gleaming white full moon and the bright stars that illuminated the tops of the trees and everything in the clearing in which the Lupins' house resided with silver light. The spectacle took his breath away. As of now, Remus dreamed of a future in the subject of astronomy. Maybe he could even discover a new planet--or even a new galaxy--and then they'd name it after him....

He heard a rustling in the trees behind him, and low growling. He whipped around and at the edge of the clearing, from out of the darkness of the trees, he saw a dark, furry shape emerge. The shape looked like a huge, black dog with a grey streak running along its hunched back. It bore its sharp, pearly white teeth that sparkled with saliva in the moonlight, and growled even louder.

Remus was so terrified he couldn't move. In fact, the only movement that continued anywhere in his body was that of his fiercely pounding heart. Even his lungs were still, for his fear was so great that he could not breathe.

The feral creature reared back its head and howled hauntingly--it was a sound that for a moment, took Remus' fear away and replaced it with wonder, yet the fear returned as the beast charged. The most Remus could manage in an attempt at flight from it was a single staggering backwards step.

The bounding monster stopped short of him and then leapt, its enormous, clawed front paws outstretched.

Remus screamed.

The paws hit Remus square in the chest, knocking the breath of out of his tiny body as he was pinned flat to the ground, strangling the sound of his cry. He whimpered with wide eyes, and gasped as the weight of the brute slowly crushed painfully down on his lungs. It raised one paw and slashed at his right shoulder. He yelled with a sharp intake of breath as fresh pain seared where the claws had torn at his flesh. The rip of cloth told him that his now bleeding shoulder was vulnerably exposed.

He heard a woman scream, "REMUS!" somewhere to his left: his mother. Wildly he looked over to see her and his father burst from the house. His father was a few steps ahead of his mother, already running down the steps, his wand raised as he shot spell after spell at the monster. "GET AWAY FROM MY SON!" he was roaring at it. Over his shoulder he added, "JOANNE, STAY BACK!"

But it seemed the hexes weren't powerful enough, and only worked to irk the beast. Snarling, it flung out the paw it had used to tear at Remus and shoved John away, knocking him to the ground.

"JOHN!" his mother shrieked.

"DADDY!" wailed Remus. And then he felt more pain in his already burning, bleeding shoulder, as rows of the beast's pointed teeth rent more flesh in a single, fleeting nip that lasted less than a second--yet the agony was so exquisite that the monster could have been sinking its teeth fully into his shoulder and biting down for over a minute. Even long after the thing had pounded away, retreating into the darkness, it felt like it was still there, gnawing on him. "Mummy...Daddy..." he panted, his breathing labored as darkness enclosed him.

But the voices of his parents followed him long after he'd gone under.

"Remus! John! Oh God! Oh God, he's dead! John, he's dead! He's dead!"

"Joanne, he's not, he's not! See, he's breathing. He's breathing, Joanne, he's breathing."

"Barely! Oh God he's dying! John, do something, he's dying! Oh my baby! My baby!"

"Let's get him into the house, quick...I know a healer we can summon...he's the best there is...he's an old friend of mine...."

His mother continued to sob....

Even as he opened his eyes to the morning sunshine streaming through his bedroom window, he could still hear her sobbing...it was coming from down the hall....

Wait...she was sobbing for real!

He sat bolt upright, and right at that moment he heard a knock on his door. As his mother was down the hall, sobbing, it had to be his father. "Dad?"

The door opened and his father entered the room, his features looking careworn. "'Morning, Remus." He managed a slight smile despite his grim visage. "Did you sleep in your clothes?"

"Yeah," said Remus. "What's the matter with Mum? What's happened?"

The amusement died completely from John Lupin's face. "A lot," he sighed. "Early this morning your mother had an appointment with her Muggle doctor, and when she got home, there was a letter waiting for her." He came over and sat down on the edge of the bed beside Remus. "The letter said that her entire family--herMuggle family that was so embarrassed to have a wizard--me--for a son-in-law that they refused to ever even meet you--was tortured and murdered by several bands of You-Know-Who's Death Eaters."

Remus stared devastated at his father. The loss of life always seemed to affect Remus in some way, even if he'd never met the person or people who had died.

"Now, according to the Order--"

"Order? What order?" Remus interrupted without thinking.

"Oh, ah, the Order of the Phoenix: they're a secret society fighting against You-Know-Who's forces right now. Very few people know about them, except people they're hoping to recruit as members. I think the Death Eater's know about a resistance, but hopefully they don't know about the Order itself. I've only learned about them because...they've been asking me to join."

Remus' heart leapt into his throat. "Are you going to?" he asked.

John heaved another sigh. "I am not sure, Remus.... I want to--I'm willing to risk my life if it means possibly getting rid of You-Know-Who and his evil that threatens the lives of you and your mother. I'd--I'd give--I'd--I'd do anything to keep you both safe...." His voice grew tight and thick. He swallowed and went on. "But, I do not know if I can leave your mother to go off and fight dark wizards and evil forces...not in the state she's in right now...what with losing her whole childhood family and--and--something else...."

Remus furrowed his brow. "What else?"

John hesitated. "I told you that she went to her Muggle doctor early this morning, correct?"

Remus nodded.

"Well...she found out...." He sighed and started over. "Remus, your mother is going to have another baby."

Remus moaned, bent over and cradled his forehead in his hands. In his life, his mother had gotten pregnant three times, since giving birth to him. And all three of those pregnancies had ended in tragic miscarriages, each of which was followed by a dismal spell of depression. Yet for some reason, after her third miscarriage, she had refused to go on birth control, or, if she got pregnant again, to even consider getting an abortion. This had led Remus to believe that his mother had badly wanted another baby--and one that was her own--because she wanted to be able to have a "normal" child, one that she would make sure--come hell or high water--would never become a hideous, monstrous werewolf. This caused Remus' heart to sting.

This was back when he was fourteen.

He could still remember confronting his mother about it....

"Remus, your mother is resting right now...."

"Dad, I need to talk to her," Remus told his father urgently. "It's important."

"Alright," said John. He knocked on his and Joanne's bedroom door softly. "Jo?"

"John?" Remus' mother's voice replied sleepily from within.

"Remus would like to have a word with you. Is that okay?"

"Oh, yes! Remus, love, come in."

Remus moved past his father and entered the bedroom. He saw his mother sitting up in bed, her long blonde hair teased and disheveled, dark circles around her eyes. She blinked up at him and smiled fragilely.

Remus sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. He looked up at her and saw her gazing at him with bright eyes. "Mum, I have something to ask you about...about...." He sighed and looked away. He couldn't bear to meet her eyes. "You're not...trying to have another baby to replace me, are you?"

"Oh Remus," Joanne moaned, and the next thing he knew, his mother had enfolded him in her arms and was squeezing him tight, crying softly into his hair. "No, of course not, baby. I love you so much...it's just...I don't want to keep myself from having another one.... Although at this rate, your father and I may never have another baby, but never think that he and I don't love you...."

Remus wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry I said anything, Mum.... I just thought maybe you wanted a fresh start, you know? A kid who wasn't a...a monster."

"Remus John Lupin," Joanne said firmly, pulling back to look into his eyes as she cupped his face in her hands. "You are not a monster. The monster inside you is a monster, but you are not a monster." She kissed him hard on his forehead, sniffed and brushed a few bangs out of his eyes.

Remus didn't realize it until just then, but he too had tears in his eyes. It was all so much...his mother didn't want to replace him...she loved him...had always loved him, despite his affliction.... A loving mother through and through...and the moment reminded him of times he'd skinned his knee, or of when some neighbor kid had made fun of him, and he'd always gone running to her, letting her pick him up and hold him in her arms while he cried into her shoulder.