Out With the Old Professors, In With the New

Ch. 12: Well HELO, Harry

Madam Pomfrey was right. Harry had a rough night waiting for his Quidditch injury to resolve itself. Some time after midnight, the potion he had been given began to do its job, and Harry was awakened by a most uncomfortable sensation. Soon though, he was relieved to feel the offending object escape from its confinement and fly free about the hospital wing. For once, this was one Snitch that Harry felt no desire to catch.

When he awoke the next morning, Harry felt much better. He had a ravenous appetite, having not eaten since lunch the previous day, and was anxious to be released from the hospital so that he could get to the Great Hall before breakfast was over.

Madam Pomfrey insisted on giving him a once-over before she would discharge him. After a thorough and embarrassing checkup, Harry was given a clean bill of health, although he was warned not to sit on a broom for a couple of days. He thanked the nurse for her expert treatment, and raced from the hospital down to the Great Hall. It was just after 8 o'clock, Harry noted, meaning he'd have a solid hour to gorge himself before breakfast was over.

As Harry neared the banquet hall, he noticed two small figures flanking the doorway. They were House Elves, and they each stood silently bearing crudely lettered signs. One said, "Hogwarts Too Fair To House Elves," and the other said, "Treat Us With The Contempt We Deserve." As Harry got closer, he saw that the elves were wearing badges similar to the ones that Hermione had designed for 'SPEW', but these were labeled 'HELO'.

Harry addressed the elf on his right, a barrel shaped, husky fellow with a nose shaped like a rutabaga. "Hello there, I, uh, like your signs. Excuse me, but what does 'HELO' stand for?" he asked.

"Chunky wishes you a good morning Harry Potter, I is glad you is better," the elf replied in a surprisingly deep voice, while bowing so low that his nose almost touched the floor. "We has heard that you had an accident playing Quidditch, and all the elves are glad to hear that you no longer has a Snitch stuck in your..."

"Shh!" interrupted Harry urgently. "I'd rather that not be broadcast all over the Great Hall, if you don't mind. But thanks, I am feeling better now. Anyway, back to my question, what's that on your badges again?"

"Oh, right," continued the elf. "HELO stands for the 'House Elf Labor Organization'. We has decided to form a union to represent our interests here. Professor Hermione actually gave us the idea, sir." He paused for a moment, and then continued. "Is you going in to have breakfast, Harry Potter?"

"Oh yes, I'm starving!" replied Harry enthusiastically, his mouth watering. He could smell eggs, bacon, kippers, and all manner of good things, which was bringing his hunger to a peak. He smiled, thinking he might even be able to give Crabbe and Goyle some competition this morning.

Both elves suddenly looked very alarmed. "No, no, Harry Potter!" exclaimed Chunky. "Harry Potter must not go in to the Great Hall this morning! Terrible deeds are planned here, and Harry Potter must be kept safe!"

"Terrible deeds! What sorts of terrible deeds are being planned?" Harry asked quickly.

"Argh, urgh, mustn't say, mustn't tell!" said Chunky, poking himself in the eye.

"Well, who's planning these terrible deeds? You House Elves?" Harry asked the other elf, who was taller and rather slender.

"Aaah! Skippy can't say, can't say!" he answered, kicking his own shins.

"Are you going to go after anybody in the Great Hall? One of the teachers, perhaps?"

"No! No! Not allowed to tell, oh no!" replied Chunky, pimp-slapping himself.

Harry's mind raced. "Did you do something to the food? Is it poisoned?"

"Ack! Eek! Skippy is not at liberty to divulge that information!" said Skippy, giving himself a wedgie.

"OK, but when will the..."

Chunky cut him off. "Harry Potter, not to be rude or anything, but maybe you could stop asking us questions for a while, OK?"

"Oh, sure, sorry guys," said Harry. "Look, thanks for the vague and unspecified warnings and everything, but I think I better go in there and make sure my friends are alright. Besides, that Danish smells delicious."

"Harry Potter thinks of his friends' safety before his own!" said Chunky enthusiastically. "He is brave and heroic! Courageous, valiant, bold, daring, fearless, and plucky!"

"And he has a cute butt!" added Skippy.

Harry and Chunky both looked at Skippy for a second, and then Chunky said, "Yes, well, anyway, Harry Potter is too brave and noble for us to let him come to harm. We must try to keep him from the Great Hall this morning! We must save him!" Without any further warning, he immediately head-butted Harry as hard as he could in the crotch.

As Harry moaned and doubled over, Skippy said, "Yes, Chunky, we must save Harry Potter!" and elbowed him in the eye.

Harry toppled over, and the little elves began to beat him with their signs, yelling over and over, "We'll save you Harry Potter! We'll save you!"

At last, bruised and bleeding, Harry managed to struggle to his feet, and shouted, "Cut it out, you bloody little buggers! I don't need you to save me!"

The elves ceased their assault, and Skippy asked, "Maybe now Harry Potter wants to go to the hospital wing?"

"No, I'm going in there to eat and to help my friends, and you can't stop me!" Harry exclaimed angrily, pinching his nose to stop the flow of blood.

Chunky sighed in admiration. "Harry Potter, you is so brave! Chunky sees now why Dobby speaks so highly of you. Well, sir must do what sir thinks is right. Good luck, Harry Potter!"

The elves stood aside to let Harry by, and he entered the hall. As he limped toward Ron and his other friends at the Gryffindor table, he looked around. Everything seemed to be normal, he thought. The students were eating and talking, and no one was showing any ill effects from their breakfasts. Dumbledore, McGonagall and Lupin sat up at the staff table conversing over tea and toast. Hagrid sat a little apart from them, muttering incoherently to himself and enjoying his 4th mug of mulled mead. Snape was alone at the far end of the table, eating what appeared to be roasted kittens.

Harry's friends noticed him approaching, and several turned to greet him. Neville was the first of them to get a good look at him. "Gosh Harry, you're a mess!" he said with concern. "Your face is all bloody and you've got two black eyes. No wonder Madam Pomfrey kept you in hospital last night. I'd hate to have seen what you looked like before she patched you up!"

"My goodness, you do look like you've been through the ringer!" said Ginny with concern. "Here," she said, handing him a napkin, "press this over that gaping head wound you've got there."

"Thanks Ginny," replied Harry, taking the proffered napkin and stanching the streaming flow of blood that had been pouring down his forehead.

As he sat down next to Ron, Ron whispered, "Gee Harry, you didn't have to do that to yourself. We told you we'd cover for you, and we did. We told everyone that you had strained your back stretching to get the Snitch. What'd you do, throw yourself down the stairs?"

"No Ron, this wasn't my idea," he replied, as he piled ham and eggs onto a plate. "House Elves did this to me."

"What! I told Dumbledore those elves are dangerous! What if they are hurting Hermione, too!" he asked apprehensively.

"Don't worry about her, Ron," Harry reassured him. "The elves that did this to me were trying to help me. They wanted to save me from coming in here, something is supposed to happen during breakfast, but they wouldn't tell me what it was."

"Maybe we should just hurry up and eat, and get out of here!" said Ron earnestly, looking warily about the hall. He still remembered how the House Elves had paralyzed him while they were abducting Hermione.

"Uh, I think it might be too late for that, Ron," replied Harry, as House Elves appeared all over the Great Hall. As they had when they were kidnapping Hermione, they were wearing tea cozies over their faces, but this time they all had on HELO badges, too. An elf, who Harry guessed was Perky, appeared before the staff table right in front of Dumbledore, and he addressed the gathered students and teachers.

"Listen to me, staff and students of Hogwarts! We is the House Elf Labor Organization. We has taken Professor Granger prisoner, and we will not release her unless our demands is met. Now, you will see our first labor action to convince you to hear our demands. We is going to keep bringing breakfast food in until you can't eat any more!"

"That's it?" asked Harry incredulously, and Ron shrugged in reply. The elves began to stack tray after tray of bacon, eggs, and pastry on the house tables. Soon, most every student and teacher had eaten their fill, but the elves and trays kept coming.

Suddenly, the assembled students and teachers heard two cries of challenge from one end of the hall. Crabbe and Goyle had leapt up onto the Slytherin table, and each brandished forks in both hands.

"Bring it on, you inhuman beasts!" shouted Crabbe, as he threw himself on a heaped platter of bacon on the Slytherin table and began to stuff his mouth.

"Yeah, and keep it coming!" agreed Goyle. He leapt gracefully from the Slytherin table, did a midair somersault, and landed on the Hufflepuff table, where he quickly exhausted their remaining stock of scones.

The elves took up the challenge, restocking the tables as quickly as they could, but they were barely keeping pace with the dynamic duo. Utensils flailing, the pair flew about the room, and all traces of edible substance were obliterated in their wake. The students began to clap and cheer to encourage their efforts, and the boys responded.

Racing across the Great Hall, Crabbe flung himself at the Gryffindor table and slid along half its length, upending cups, platters and elves. When he reached the center of the table, he grabbed a laden salver, and started popping boiled eggs into his mouth one after another. Even Harry and the other Gryffindors cheered on his efforts.

Meanwhile, Goyle had moved on to the Ravenclaw table, stuffing food into his mouth as he cartwheeled from one end of the table to the other. The elves were beginning to suffer from the strain; many of them had dropped to the floor exhausted.

Crabbe had finished everything he could find on the Gryffindor table, including several napkins, and began to make his way back to the restocked Slytherin table. Suddenly, he paused, clutched his stomach, and sagged to the ground. "Go on without me, my valiant friend!" he gasped to Goyle, as his eyes closed.

Goyle vaulted back to the Slytherin table and attacked the heaped plates, his utensils a blur. Eggs Benedict, bangers, porridge, tarts, they all were consumed in his gluttonous assault. The last of the House Elves fell prostrate at his feet, unable to rise.

Finally, he stood alone, his house table empty of any edible items. His face was smeared with grease, and his clothes were covered with the detritus of his gastronomic exploits. The tines of Goyle's smoking forks were mere nubs, almost completely worn away. All around him about the Great Hall, fallen House Elves lay scattered, slumped beneath empty trays that they had finally been unable to refill.

It seemed that the House Elves had been bested. But then, all turned to the front of the hall, where Perky stood chuckling grimly. He leapt up on to the Head Table, and turned to face his foe. "You have done well, Slytherin, and bested our finest servers," he said slowly. "However, breakfast is not over just yet!"

Perky gestured, and a heaped platter of Belgian Waffles appeared on the table in front of Goyle; it was nearly three feet tall and just as wide. A slight frown creased Goyle's face, but he responded with a sardonic laugh. "What, no syrup?" he said sarcastically, as he wielded his utensils and started on the massed confections.

He had gotten through nearly half the pile, but all in the hall could tell he was near his limit. As he tremblingly raised his fork, beads of sweat stood out on his forehead. He took one last bite, chewed slowly, and swallowed. Then, as he poised his fork over the pile of waffles again, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he toppled from the table.

There was silence for a brief moment. Then, a strangled cry rent the air: "NOOOOOO!" Crabbe struggled to his feet and staggered over toward the Slytherin table. He paused, and looked down with grief at the body of his fallen comrade. He took a moment to carefully compose Goyle's still form, gently folding his friend's arms across his swollen stomach. He carefully pried the forks from Goyle's clutching grasp, and regarded the utensils solemnly for a moment.

Then, as he stood there, Crabbe seemed suddenly to draw new strength from his exhausted compatriot's cutlery. He stood proudly, and raised one of the utensils over Goyle's spent form in salute. He then stalked over to the remaining heap of waffles and turned to look straight at Perky. Without breaking eye contact, one by one, Crabbe consumed each remaining waffle.

Finished with his repast, he turned and solemnly replaced Goyle's forks in his motionless friend's hands. He then struggled slowly up to the staff table, and stood before the leader of the House Elves. He swayed as he stood there, then loudly asked, "Anything else to eat around here?"

Perky hung his head, and the crowd erupted in cheers. Malfoy and five of his Slytherin friends ran up to Crabbe and hoisted him up on their shoulders in triumph. For a moment; soon, they were overcome by his massive bulk and crushed to the floor beneath him.

Several Hufflepuffs rushed over and helped the overburdened Slytherins hoist their colossal comrade back into the air. Ernie MacMillan, who did not know Crabbe very well, led the hall in a cheer, shouting, "Three cheers for, um, this fat guy!"

As the students whistled, clapped, and otherwise praised the mighty deeds of Crabbe and Goyle, Dumbledore stood and raised his hands. The hall became silent, as all looked toward the Headmaster.

"Now, Perky," said Dumbledore, addressing the elf on the table before him. "That was, I think we all agree, a most impressive demonstration of your resolve. I salute you!" Dumbledore inclined his head, and Perky bowed. "Perhaps now would be the time for us to sit down and talk together. My door is, as always, open to you. If you please, meet me in my office in 15 minutes, and we will discuss your concerns."

Perky bowed again, and said, "Yes, thank you, Headmaster. You are wise and kind." Then, he and the other House Elves disappeared, leaving behind wisps of smoke. The students began chattering among themselves immediately. Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini revived Goyle by dousing him with cold water, and helped him struggle to the Slytherin table.

"Please, please, there will be time to relive this evening's engrossing entertainment in a few moments," said Dumbledore. "But first, kudos for a job well done!" he said, clapping politely. "This calls for some House Points, I daresay." The Slytherins looked excited, and Crabbe smiled, his chest swelling with pride. Dumbledore continued. "Where to begin, where to begin? For exceptional bravery, calm under fire, and overall heroic qualities of that nature, I award 10 points to Harry Potter."

The assembled students and teachers looked on in stunned silence for a moment. Then Snape stood, and said, "As you wish, Headmaster, but I feel that Crabbe and Goyle should be recognized for their efforts. I award 50 points to you for your unparalleled display of Epicurean excess."

Hagrid rose unsteadily to his feet, and responded, "Ar, is that right, Perfesser Snape, ya greasy git? Well, I be awardin' 50 more points' ta Harry, since he be lookin' like somebuddy jus' kicked tha' snot out'n 'im, and ya don' hear 'im squakin' about it, nor lookin' fer any sympathy, now do ya?"

Snape looked at Hagrid in anger and disgust. "Is that right, you misbegotten, besotted behemoth? Well then, I award Draco Malfoy and each of his friends from Slytherin 100 points for sitting there and letting someone else do all the work, thereby exhibiting the finest qualities of our house. Well done, all."

As Snape, Hagrid, and McGonagall fell to arguing, Lupin raised his hand, and said, "I, for one, think the Hufflepuffs deserve some credit in this affair, too. Ten points to you for being such good sports!"

The Hufflepuffs were beside themselves with glee. The clapped and jumped up and down, and several excited comments raced around their table. "Oh boy, we got some points!" "Ten points! Wow!" "We're still in fourth place, but now we have ten more points than we did before!"

Lupin smiled, pleased that he had been able to bring such joy to the kindhearted, simpleminded Hufflepuffs. They always finished fourth in House Points. In fact, most of their total was frankly made up of what the teachers called, amongst themselves, "mercy points". Five points for getting to class on time, 10 for "being nice", things of that sort. The professors made it a point to see that Hufflepuff finished only a few tens of points below whichever of the other houses happened to finish in third. One of the dirty secrets of Hogwarts was that Hufflepuff was, indeed, the "default house", where students with no outstanding qualities of any sort were placed.

The childlike joy of the Hufflepuffs reminded Lupin of the Sorting Hat's song from his 4^th year, which laid bare the enchanted cap's nastier opinions in explicit detail. For some reason, the hat was feeling very ornery that year, and resented having to sort the new pupils. The song caused such an uproar among the students that the Headmaster decided that it would not be entered into the permanent school records. The professors even sorted the incoming class themselves that year, giving the Sorting Hat the year off to rest and recuperate. This was the Sorting Hat's song as Lupin remembered it (and his memory was quite good):

Hi, I'm the Hogwart's Sorting Hat, and every single year,

I have to come and sort you lot, a task I've come to fear,

For most of you are whiny brats, unworthy and unwanted,

Just shut your mouths and listen up, get ready to get taunted.

The Founders Four put brains in me to sort you all, that's true,

But only so they wouldn't have to spend much time with you,

Those four were great and admirable, beyond you adolescents,

Their genius stands out even more compared to your putrescence.

So where to put you urchins? That's the task I'm tasked to do,

I only wish they'd let me put you creatures in a zoo,

If I had one, I'd hold my nose, 'cause most of you kids smell,

But that's the cross I've got to bear, my yearly sorting hell.

Now I'll describe the houses where you'll spend your next few seasons,

You'll get put in the one that fits you best, for several reasons,

Brave lion, eager badger; wise eagle, clever snake,

You wish! Here's how I really make the choices that I make.

A noble house is Ravenclaw, which welcomes geeks and nerds,

You'll find them in the library in geeky, nerdy herds,

They're goofy, weak, and bad at sports, and pimply in the faces,

In fact, you'll find most in this house lack any social graces.

Slytherin's the happy home of sociopaths and liars,

Whose final destination features pitchforks, smoke and fires,

Slytherin attracts more freaks and jerks than all the others,

The members of this house aren't even loved by their own mothers.

If you're foolhardy and reckless, then Gryffindor's for you,

There's hardly any crazy thing these careless dolts won't do,

They'll put themselves in danger, and risk their lives for fame,

They think that they're immortal and that everything's a game.

Last and least, is Hufflepuff, the home of plain and meek,

They lack nerve and ambition, and their brains are kind of weak,

But just give one some work to do, they always get right in it,

One thing about a Hufflepuff, there's one born every minute.

Now step right up, you little gits, try on this magic bonnet,

That is, if you weren't bothered by my blunt and candid sonnet,

If you think my song was nasty, and just a careless whim,

Why, since I haven't got an ass, you all can kiss my brim.

Lupin laughed to himself as he remembered the shock and indignation caused by the Sorting Hat's song that year. It took nearly half an hour for the professors to reestablish calm and begin that year's sorting. Dumbledore had had to remove the hat from the Great Hall immediately to prevent it from being torn apart by enraged students. Lupin, and very few others from among the various houses, had found the hat's song most amusing, certainly the most entertaining Sorting Song they had heard in their tenure at Hogwarts.

Lupin's train of thought was broken by the Headmaster, as Dumbledore again addressed the celebrating students and bickering professors.

"Calm down, please, everyone, calm down!" he began, glancing significantly at Hagrid, Snape and McGonagall, who stopped arguing and sat down stone-faced in their places. "Crabbe and Goyle, you have done your house and your school proud, we are all in debt to you for standing up for the honor of Hogwarts this morning. In tribute to your heroism, I think we shall have a feast this evening, and I only hope that you are both sufficiently recovered to partake with the rest of us. Now, you are all dismissed, and may go hence to discuss this excitement amongst yourselves. I trust that, at this evening's feast, I will have more happy news to share with you all. I bid you good morning, but I would like Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley to please meet me in my office in fifteen minutes."

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