Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
Please tell Sirius that he can have his muggle radio back, but he can't have his shiny stuff! MWAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Anyways...Why do my dorm mates and I do this to Sirius? Do we like torturing him, or do we acutally LIKE him?! I don't know!! You do because you're Moony, and you know everything! Thats why you're a Prefect!
-Overreacted
(from Mr. Padfoot)

Dear Overreacted,
No, I am taking my column back forever! I think you find him annoying and are venting your frustrations. Of course I know everything.
Moony

Dear Moony,
YAY! Thank god you're back! Sirius was scaring me. Anyway, my question is why is Snape wandering the halls way past curfew? I always go out for my midnight snack and I always see Snape. I'm sure he doesn't have permission to be out late, and it'd be nice to se Slytherin lose points...Should I confront him? I mean, if it was anyone else I would, but his hair is so greasy I'm afraid it will hurt me if I get to close. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
~Midnight Wanderer afraid of Snape's hair~
(from Wiccan Princess)

Dear Midnight Wanderer afraid of Snape's hair,
Sirius scares all of us. He does it because he's a slimy git and he likes to sneak around being a slimy git! You can't take away points unless you're Head Boy or Girl...are you? Snape's hair will hurt you and possibly kill you. Confront him from a distance.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Help! Someone is pelting me with really sharp Quills! It hurts!
-KilledByQuills
(from Opaque [who we can not see through])

Dear Killed by Quills,
Sorry. Maybe you should always wear pillows!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I DO wear green on ST. Patricks day! People still pinch! THEY PINCH! THEY PINCH! How do I make they stop?
-People Still Pinch
(I lost who it was from! I'm so sorry!)

Dear People Still Pinch,
Start wearing styrofoam pads everywhere you go.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Yes, I do know Ron, and Harry Potter - James and Lily's son. How on earth did he go back in time? Please, kill Wormtail. Please. You'll regret it. When you become a teacher, I will have to say "I told you so." So I'm asking you, will you kill Wormtail. Oh, Ron says kill Snape too, as he's a dreadful teacher. Honestly Ron.
- Hermione Granger
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Hermione Granger,
No clue. No....sorry. We would kill Snape if we could get away with it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Oh god! I was right? Sirius said you were ill and couldn't do the column! Oh goodness! It was real! What should I do? I keep on having prophecies! I had one that Snape would become a teacher! Oh goodness! A teacher! Could you imagine that? *him* as a teacher!
-Elizabeth
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Elizabeth,
No, I can't. We really should kill him now. Are you in Divination?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Don't you think it's odd that everyone in Gryffindor, uses American words rather then British ones. Like Jell-O. Don't we say jelly over here? Last time I checked we did. Can you tell them to stop?
-Lily
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Lily,
A strange purple voice is telling me that....lots of reveiwers are American??? I have no clue.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius ate my green socks! He ATE them! What is he on? And why out of all people did you let HIM take over your column last week, yes I know he's handsome, but he ate my green socks! And I don't think the Styrofoam is working. This charm he now uses is ruining our lives! I mean! I liked my green socks! One of them even had sparkly Snitches on them! The cheek! Can you tell him to take the charm off, and tell him to be nice the house elves?
-Green sock less
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Green Sock Less,
Um, are you surprised? I didn't let him take over my column. I told James to take over my column. I can tell him, but he doesn't listen to me.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was quite disturbed to see a rat, a dog and a stag in the prefect's bathroom yesterday.. Am I hallucinating, or were there really animals watching me bathe?
-Aladdin
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Aladdin,
I'll....talk to my dorm mates about their pets.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I've asked Dumbledore to let me sing Bohemian Rhapsody at breakfast, but he won't let me. Any suggestions as to what I do?
-Not a Clue (Padfoot)
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Padfoot,
You'll stand up on the table and sing it anyway--you always do.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you ask Sirius to kindly give back the Muggle Radio I lent him. And he's enchanted it so it only gets Muggle London radio stations from his home! and when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on I can hear some eegit singing at the top of their voice! It's dreadfully annoying, it's really high-pitched, so It can't be Sirius, can it? I never thought him as the high-pitched singing type. Can you tell him to give it back then?
-Earplugged
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Earflooded,
MWHAHAHAHA!! I STOLE the paper from Moony! Yes! The BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY! IS THIS THE REAL LIFE, IS THIS JUST FANTASY, CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOOK UP TO THE SKIES AND S-EEEE! I'M JUST A POOR BOY I NEED NO SYMPATHY! Hey, the next question is from me....
Sirius

Dear Moony,
OH MY GOD! THERE IS A HUGE STYROFOAM MONSTER THING IN MY BED! SOMEONE HAS CHARMED IT TO MOVE AND SQUEAK! MOONY! HELP! WHAT DO I DOO?? SOMEONE TOOK MY CHARM OFF AND I WONT GO BACK ON!
-Padfoot
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Padfoot,
DON'T STEAL MY PAPER! You deserve it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you please tell Lily's friend to stop telling me I'm going to die! She just keeps on passing me notes in Charms saying "You're gonna die Potter. So is Lily, so is Sirius. Remus will be a teacher. Peter will be the downfall of all of you - Elizabeth" Sure, she's saying nice things about Lily and I getting together! But the whole death thing is really freaking me out! Can you, do something about it?
-Prongs
(from Golden*Faerey in Sirius Denial)

Dear Prongs,
I've tried. Lily's tried. She keeps saying I'm a teacher.
Moony

Dear Moony,
HELP! STAR TROOPERS ARE CHASING ME!
-in need of help
(from little-lost-one)

Dear in Need of Help,
Go eat ice cream and get counseling.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm dead. What should I do?
-dead
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Dead,
I think you should go around writing books on the afterlife and making lots of money and haunting lots of people.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm being stalked by beetles (not the band or car, the insect) now instead of dead people. What should I do?
-stalked again
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Stalked again,
Carry a can of bug spray(always!)

Dear Moony, My best friend broke my wrist and I have to wear a cast because Madame Pomfrey is out of the potion that fixes bones. Now I can't play Quidditch! Should I stop being friends with her, ignore her, then prank her or make her be my slave?
-broken wrist
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Broken Wrist,
Prank her and make her be your slave!
Moony

Dear Moony,
A few weeks ago, I saw Sirius walking out of Hog's Head in women's clothing. Then, yesterday I saw him walking around the boys dorm in high heels, suspenders, and a bra singing the lumberjack song when he thought everyone was at classes. Is he okay?
-Wormtail
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Wormtail,
No, Sirius is never okay. I think he's been watching too much Monty Python, or else talking to that one addicted girl....
Moony

Dere Mueney,
i'm rELIy bad at spelinj helpe me1
-selonj problums
(from Jim Thomee)

Dear Spelling Problems,
Get a dictionary...or a charm for that kind of thing, ask Lily, she's always inventing new charms.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Here's some cream soda! What does bork bork bork mean? And Peeves stole James's Snitch before he caught it and did something to it...now it keep trying to bite me...what should I do?
~Confoozled
(from Fireblade)

Dear Confoozled,
Yay! Now...this Abigail person says she WANTS SOME! And I have no clue. Maybe you should smash it with a hammer?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I know that you haven't heard from me in a while. That is because I have been plotting my revenge on Sirius for STEALING my chocolate! VENGENCE SHALL BE MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA I was just wondering when the best time to pull this off would be, you know, when it would hurt him the most. I'm asking you because the Marauders are the bestest pranksters and you all the bestest of them all! ^__^
-THE Chocoholic
(from Erenriel the Elven Canuck)

Dear Chocoholic,
This Saturday, threeish. Sirius will be at Hogsmeade.
Moony

---

Moony looked up from his letters, staring around the common room for Sirius. "SIRIUS!"

Sirius grinned and ran over from where he was terrorizing the fifth year girl's dorm. "What, Moony? Why'd you scream?"

"I got a letter from...Cestari," Moony said, checking the envelope. He held out the enevelope in disgust. "She sent you underwear and socks...it's the day to day underwear and green socks."
Sirius's eyes lit up and he hugged the underwear and socks, running around the common room. "I HAVE UNDERWEAR!" he shouted randomly. Moony shook his head and went back to answering his letters.

---

Dear Sirius,
I understand about the styrofoam. I have the same problem with chicken nuggets. I swear, the house-elves serve them just to spite me! What should I do?
-Nugget-No-No
(from silver-sparklze)

Dear Nogin Noodle Know-How,
I think you should take ALL of the STYROFOAM (shudder) out of the common room! I HATE IT!! AAAAHHHHH!
Sirius

Dear Moony,
I hope you're feeling better. Should I send you some chocolate frogs? They're nice to eat when you're sick, especially the special edition no-nausuea ones. They're my favourite. Or Some chicken soup? As long as you don't ask for chicken nuggets...
-Chocat!
P.S; What should I do about Snape? He keeps on calling me a mudblood, and just because there are no webbed toes in my family, that doesn't mean my blood is dirty! In fact, last time I checked, it was the same colour as everyone elses. Should I check again? I'm about to have a bath, and I have a cut throat razor...
(from silver-sparklze)

Dear Chocat!
I am. Thank you, and I always take chocolate frogs. No, ignore Snape. He's not worth it.
Moony

Dear Sirius/Moony,
Sirius: Give Moony back his advice column, he really helped me. Also, tell him I'm sorry about stealing his shirt. I'll send it back, washed of course.
Moony: Also, (FOR MOONY!) how do I get rid of the full moon? I think it's out to get me, it shines really bright, and I can't sleep...
-Sleepless Shirt-filcher no-more
(from silver-sparklez)

Dear Silky Shirt-Flunker Anymore,
I did! He got all mad at me! argh....
(Moony:) Maybe you should get one of those sleep-mask thingies. I hear they're really good!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I've told you once, I'll tell you again... I NEED SOME BLOODY UNDERWEAR
-You Know Who
(from Lemon)

Dear You Know Who,
Voldemort needs underwear?
Moony

Dear Moony,
*looks under bed* THERE'S MY NEW STASH OFF UNDERWEAR! Excellent! *ripes package open and starts smelling his new underwear*
Padfoot
(from Lemon)

Dear Padfoot,
.....no comment.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Is there a potion that can dissolve kryptonite instantly? If so, could you please send me some?
~Clark Kent
(from Blarg)

Dear Clark Kent,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Are you partial to Quarter Veelas?
~Fleur Delacour
(from Blarg)

Dear Fleur,
No. I like my girlfriend now *smile*

Dear Moony,
~The Girl That Likes the First Guy
(from Blarg)

Dear G.TL.T.F.G.,
Go star in a soap opera.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Is it true?
~Wanting the Truth
(from Blarg)

Dear Wanting the truth,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Does this pointy bra make me look fat?
~Madonna(from Blarg)

Dear Madonna,
It doesn't matter, because you're a pop star with millions and billions of dollars.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
~Ice Cream Vendor
(from Blarg)

Dear Ice Cream Vendor,
Pay you six Sickles.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I know that you know that I know that you know! HA!
~Serverus Snape
(from Blarg)

Dear Snivellus,
Whatever.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My dog died a while ago, and I want a new dog. I found a large black one that I really really like, but when I tried to take him with me, he ran away. The second time I saw him, I tried dragging him with me by his fur, but then this huge demonic deer charged me down and nearly snapped my spine in two. How can I get the doggie?
~Dog-less
(from Blarg)

Dear Dog-less,
That's Sirius's dog, Snuffles. He won't give it up....he really loves that dog.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What is the square root of 12345654321?
~Your Former Math Teacher
(from Blarg)

Dear Former Math Teacher,
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have an obsession with dark things especially magic.I have tried eating ice cream counseling even taking advice from sirius black...I am desprate. Must dash, got to set a couple of unforgiveables up for the slytherins....
-Can't Stop Doing Dark Things
(from kiwi)

Dear Can't Stop,
You should..um...become a death eater? Do I look like a psychiatriast? Maybe you should do something else? I have no clue! What do you think I am, an advice columnist?!
Moony

Dear Sirius,
Would oyu say your name is pronounced 'Cyrus', 'serious', or 'sir-e-us'?
-ConfusedAboutNames
(from Opaque who we can't see through)

Dear Confazed about Nargs,
Serious. I'm a very serious, solemn person, dontchaknow?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
There's this shadowy corner in the common room and whenever I glance over to it, a pair of cat-like red eyes giv me a death glare. What's going on?
-Afraid Of Crimson
(from Opaque)

Dear Asterik in Crime,
It's the House-Elves....they're out to get you...they're always FOLLOWING YOU!
Sirius

Dear Moony,
Who am I? Where am I? Who are you?
-SufferingFromAmnesia
(from Opaque)

Dear Amnesic,
You are insane, you're at Hogwarts, and I'm Moony.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Some odd black dog keeps trying to kill my Kneazle. It also seems intersted in my socks.How can I get rid of it?
-WaryCatLover
(from Opaque)

Dear WaryCatLover,
Ask Sirius. Snuffles is his pet.

Dear Moony,
Just so you know, I stole a newspaper with your advice column in it from Sirius. I know he steals my socks because I've seen black dog hairs on the floor. Tell me how he got into the Slytherin common room to get my socks, and can you kill him for me...that or hold him still so I can kill him myself?
Bellaangered
(from Opaque)

Dear Bellaangered,
You shouldn't do that to your cousin! Sirius sends his dog, Snuffles, to steal socks, yes.
Moony

Dear Moony,
That weird Slytherin girl keeps trying to kill me. HELP!
-WaryCatLover
(from Opaque)

Dear WaryCatLover,
I'm sorry. Slytherins are always trying to kill me.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Ever sine I insisted that Tom Riddle is Gothic, he's been stalking me an I swear I saw his eye glow red once. Can you help me?
-WaryCatLover (from Opaque)

Dear WaryCateLover,
I think he'll turn out to be evil. Just a hunch, you know.
Moony

Dear Sirius, What is your obsession with green jell-o? And I also wanted to say that I had nothing to do with the chocolate pudding that was in your socks or the peanut butter that was in Peters boxers.
-person who is COMPLETELY innocent
(from Chibi)

Dear Person with Country Incense,
I like green Jello. It's nice. Of course you didn't. I did. I always have chocolate pudding in my socks.
Moony

Dear Sirius,
If I've told you once I've told you a billion times! DON'T YOU EVER TRY HEXING ME AGAIN! that is if you don't want that little prat peter to have a little, shall we call it accident.
- NOT snivellus
(from Slytherin Sorceress)

Dear Snivellus,
In your dreams.

Dear Moony,
I took over my friend's advice column the other day, and now I have problems. I may have accidently insulted a few of them by getting their names wrong, and giving some not so good advice. So now everyone who wrote me is giving me evil glares, sqeaking styrofoam, and someone even threatend to neuter my pet "Snuffles". What should I do?
-In sirius trouble!
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Sirius,
Don't you EVER take over my column again! You've taken over it already this week! Arg! Snuffles is going to get some serious damage...you're way too obsessed with that dog.
Moony

Dear Sirius,
What shampoo did you use to wash Snape's hair? It gave him incredible volume and shine! Where can I get some?
-Shallow Hally
(from Ecllip0099)

Dear Shallow Hally,
Wal-Mart. You get everything at Wal-Mart.
Moony

Dear Sirius,
I like green jell-o!! And I also had NOTHING to do with the chocolate pudding that I..I mean..someone put into your socks. By the way, you will never see your shiny stuff again!! And if you try to get it back, I'll dye your hair green. MWAHAHAHA!
-I am still NOT a KLEPTOMANIAC
~p.s. Get your dog out of our dorm or we might be forced to hurt it.
(from Chibi)

Dear I am sticky non-apathetic killer,
MY green Jello! I put it in there. NOOO!!! NOT MY SHINY STUFF! YOU WILL GIVE IT BACK OR DIE! I like green hair. You leave Snuffles alone!
Sirius

Dear Moony,
What if I told you I knew the question to the anwser of 42...would you like to know what it is? Hmm...well to bad...I don't think I'm going to tell you...SO HA! By the way...it's 42.3 the author made a slight miscalculation...but other than that...it's correct.
-I KNOW ALL
(from SiriusAboutMarauder)

Dear I Know All,
I know it too. And it's not 42.3. It's just 42. Deep Thought was better than you!
Moony

Dear Sirius,
Were you the one who stole my urple owl plushie. If so I would like it back before sun down or your sparkly stuff goes down the toilet...and your muggle radio will find itself in the Slytherin common room...where I doubt it will be appreaciated. Please return my urple owl plushie immediatly or face the consiquences!!
-Plushieless and Pissed
P.S. Put the urple owl plushie at the base of the stairs leading to the girls dormintories...thank you.
(from SiriusAboutMarauders)

Dear Pushy with Kissed,
No. You will NEVER get my sparkly stuff! And you leave my RADIO ALONE!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Wow, you have changed my life. *wink* I think that I am alergic to the carpets, it all makes sense now, or else they're out to get me. The cannon is over in the girls dormitory and I know the secret to getting up there, you just have to dress drag and climb the steps, they won't be able to tell if you really are interested in climbing the steps. And thank you for telling everyone that it was ME who cleaned snapes hair, it has really helped. And I can truthfully say that he is thuroughly mad at me... bliss.
Lu AKA, the strangled american
(from Lilolu)

Dear Lu ARK the estranged bacon,
I change everyone's life. I'm just that good! Hmmm....yay! Snape is always thoroughly mad at us. Just ignore him, slimy haired git.
Sirius

Dear Moony,
If Sirius Black is alone in the middle of the forest, and something comes out of his mouth, with no one around to hear it... is he still wrong? Or does the tree just fall and hit him on the head?
- Random Submitter
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear Random Submitter,
He's still wrong. The tree falls and misses him by half an inch.
Moony

---

Notebook: Lots of people pointed out I forgot to answer questions in chapter 9...I'm so embarrased! I re-uploaded it and it should be fixed now. Thanks for pointing that out! And Fireblade, I'm actually drinking IBC cream soda as I drink this! You rock! I need cream soda to live! Just like Vanilla coke.... and Eclip0099, Sirius does steal Moony's column , as evidenced above. I hope Lilolu will start an 'Ask Sirius' column...

Yep, I woke up this morning and had 49 emails and got seven more (all reviews). But sad to say....Ask Moony will be going down on Thursday, at least temporarily, because SCHOOL starts Thursday. School is an evil thing that cuts into my internet time. So you can review, but no more than 5 questions per person please. I'm just way too busy and now I don't have the time I did all summer. Ask Moony will continue (in one form or another) but I can't spend the three or four hours I can now once school starts.