Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a crush on a really popular guy, but he doesn't even seem to notice me. Can you help me?
-Gryffindor Lovesick

Dear Gryffindor Lovesick,
It wouldn't happen to be...a Marauder, would it?
Erm...you should...um...maybe...er...seek professional help or something. Ask your girl friends. Do I look like a woman here?
Moony

Dear Moony,
What's the answer to number ten on that potions homework?
-Puzzled in Potions

Dear Puzzled in Potions ,
Do I look like a textbook? The answers are in the back of the book, hello!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm a first year and Professor Grimay, Head of Slytherin, seems to hate me for no good reason--he's always taking House points away from me. Why?
-Confused First Year

Dear Confused First Year,
Don't ask me to fathom the way that slimeball's mind works. He's a SLYTHERIN. Do I look like Professor Grimay?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Somebody sneaked an illegal bottle of Firewhiskey into my dorm, and I want to tell the professor, but I don't want to betray my friends. What should I do?
-Stuck between Friends

Dear Stuck between Friends,
Who? What dorm room? I'll be there tonight! Duh, you idiot! You don't tell on your friends...if they really are your friends. You need to learn something about friendship.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this problem with pickles. See, I only like pickles with jam and ketchup, but everybody else eats them with marmalade. And nobody agrees with me that I should walpaper our dorm room in pink and purple bunnies! What should I do?
-Padfoot

Dear Padfoot,
I already told you, we are NOT walpapering the dorm room. You are gross and disgusting but you can eat your pickles however you like. Go back to sleep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
See, I have this crush on you, but you keep ignoring my letters. What should I do?
-Lovesick Third Year

Dear Lovesick Third Year,
Get over it. Have you not been reading Lion's Roar? I'm attached. Go ask Sirius.
Moony

Dear Moony,
See, I like this one guy, but I'm going out with this other guy, but now the guy that I like is trying to ask me out, but I'm going out with this other guy and he's really sweet and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I really want to go out with the one guy. What should I do?
-Confused in Love

Dear Confused in Love,
Go star in a soap opera.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Professor Trelwany is really freaking me out. She keeps predicting my death in class and won't leave me alone, and now people are starting to avoid me. I'm getting worried. What if I do die? What should I do?
-Scared of Divination

Dear Scared of Divination,
I don't know, I'm not in Divination. If you die, I'll put flowers on your grave. Sorry.
Moony

Dear Moony,
The Yule Ball is coming up, and I can't get a date. What should I do?
-Dateless

Dear Dateless,
Do I look like a dating service? I don't know, go ask your friends or something!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you ever get tired of people asking you stupid questions?
-Padfoot

Dear Padfoot,
Yes. Go back to sleep. Stop intruding on my column. You have your own.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My parents wouldn't let me go into Hogsmeade. Can I sneak in?
-Stranded at Hogwarts

Dear Stranded at Hogwarts,
Third statue on the left in the seventh wing, tap it and say: "Kamira." Of course, this doesn't lead to Hogsmeade, you understand. If any teacher asks you, you didn't hear it from me.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I dumped my boyfriend last week and he won't leave me alone! What can I do to make him quit?
-Stalked and Hating It

Dear Stalked and Hating It,
Isn't there something like a witness protection program you can go into?
Moony

Dear Moony,
How come you weren't at the Yule Ball?
-A loyal fan

Dear Loyal Fan,
Did you have nothing better to do at the ball than wander around looking for me? Get a life. I was sick.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I keep hearing these sounds at night that nobody else hears and it really scares me. People tell me to get counseling, but I don't want to. Can you give me some advice?
-Hearing Things

Dear Hearing Things,
Get some counseling.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I hate my sister, she's always stealing my socks. My best friend suggested I put a lock on my trunk, but I don't want to make her feel unloved, what should I do?
-Sockless

Dear Sockless,
Mistmach your socks so they don't match. It's more interesting and nobody will steal socks that don't match.
Moony

Dear Moony,
No matter how hard I try, I can't get rid if the Doxies in my closet. I've tried everything I can think of and a proffesional costs too much. What should I do?
Trouble with Doxies
(from Liam "Earthwind" Dakred)

Dear Trouble with Doxies,
What year are you? Can't you go take Care of Magical Creatures class? Borrow money off your friends? What do I look like, an exterminator?
Moony

Dear Moony,
My Potions essay is due tomorrow and I have absolutely no idea what powdered moonstone does in potions! Can you help me?
-Suck in Moonstone

Dear Stuck in Moonstone,
Am I some universal essay-writing machine? Powdered moonstone is sparkly, and Sirius knows about sparkly things, so just ask him.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Fanfic authors keep abducting me and my friends to do...MSTs. I'm beginning to get traumitized, I'm hearing disembodied voices everywhere, always making sarcastic comments to what people say, and I know the future! It's driving me insane!
-Sick of MSTs

Dear Sick of MSTs,
What's an MST? I suggest you get counseling...or get a good Memory Charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Padfoot thinks I'm a girl. What should I do?
-Wormtail
(from Lemon)

Dear Wormtail,
If Padfoot thought you were a girl, he would have hit on you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I know what you are. I'm one too. Can we meet up sometime?
-Gryffindor In Love
(from Lemon)

Dear Gryffindor In Love,
Yes, we're both students. No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a strange obsession with silver bullets. I can't remember the spell to change ordinaryones into silver though. Do you know?
-Bullet Freak
(from Demonic Saiyajin)

Dear Bullet Freak,
You have a problem. Go get counseling. You don't need silver bullets.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm a necrophiliac. Can you play like you're dead?
-Obsessive Dead Lover
(from ChickoftheDarkMoon)

Dear Obsessive Dead Lover,
You are sick and have serious problems. Go to Sirius for counseling.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am allergic to feathers. My teachers are always giving me detentions because I can't use quills, do my homework, take notes, etc. What should I do?
-Fear of Feathers
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Fear of Feathers,
Use a ballpoint pen. It's a very useful muggle invention. Lily has some.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am secretly in love with a Slytherin, but he completly ignores me, doesn't wash his hair, and loves the Dark Arts too much to pay attention to me! What should I do?
Hopeless Snake Lover
(from NyQueenie)

Dear Hopeless Snake Lover,
You're obsessed with SNAPE?? You have problems. Get counseling.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I knwo you keep stealing my chocolate. The Hershey goods are mine! What I want to know is how you found my stash!
- Enraged Chocoholic
(from Erenriel the Elven Canuc)

Dear Enraged Chocoholic,
Sirius keeps stealing your chocolate.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a BIG problem with your friend Sirius. He's always trying to ask me out! I don't think that James had that conversation with him about me as I suggested. He's still trying! I mean, there's no wrong with him, I like him VERY much, but I don't think he likes me and only tries to ask me out because he want to tease me.
-In love
(from Katie Black)

Dear In Love,
If you like him and he's asking you out, go out with him. What's the big deal? Why are you girls always making things so complicated?
Moony

Dear Moony,
What's the best way to convice your sworn enemy that you did NOT put an itching charm on all of their underwear, write ''LILY (heart) JAMES 4EVER" all over the girl's bathroom stalls and still have a foundation of trust in your friendship?
-NOT Guilty
(from Erenriel the Elven Canuc)

Dear NOT Guilty,
A good memory charm.
Moony

Do you want Moony to answer your questions? Send them to room ten, boys dorms, third door on the left, and YOU might appear in the Gryffindor Oracle!

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Note: Reviewers can ask Moony questions, as proved above, but if I get some really good questions I might post them in the Gryffindor Oracle because it was my first piece. Ask away!